Juice with Junior

Alright everyone, the Vancouver Olympics is officially over today.

It was a good 18 weeks of competition. Now we all get to go back to never caring about curling for the next four years. However, before we close the book on the proceedings, we have to choose the winner of the most important Olympic competition of all: The Hottest of the Games! It's better than a gold, silver, or bronze medal... It's actually not even a medal at all. It's a travel-sized can of Designer Impostors Body Spray, the Sensuale scent (If you liked Glow by J.Lo...) and I covered it in fuchsia glitter.

Anyway, the coveted Body Spray goes to Canada's own ice dancing queen Tessa Virtue (above), the 20 year old from London in Cananananada (mispelling intentional) who along with simmering hottie Scott Moir won the gold medal for, um, ice dancing, which I just said. If you didn't see Virtue and Moir's winning dance, WATCH IT NOW. It's that good.

Heterosexual romance has always been a little boring to me but their dance brought it back! So freakin' beautiful. I chose Virtue because aside from having a face like a Disney princess, she's got a body like a whippet and a saucy personality. Otherwise known as The Total Package. (p.s. the U.S. four-man bobsled team almost took this title, but they are more like a Sunday Fiver in My Apartment). Who was your Olympic fave?

I found a place near my house that sells individually-packaged, large-sized Zebra Cakes. Someone, save me from myself...

(p.s. this week hit me upside the head with more busy than I expected. I do apologize. Next week, I'll be back with more "Drag Race" and posts galore!)

Megan Mullally: Not Sad
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter: Not Sad
Repurposed "Turn the Beat Around": Not Sad (ehh...)
Overly Enthusiastic Dancers: Not Sad
Weak, But Strangely Transfixing Choreography: Not Sad (um...)

Putting it all together:

Sadness

Just me? Or you too?

Everyone! Kittens, I'm so sorry for not being able to immediately share with you my thoughts on the brand new season of "RuPaul's Drag Race"! I have been something of a hot mess recently. Basically, my days have looked like this, while my nights have looked like this. But orange we all glad that the "Drag Race" is back for Season 2 and we have it to distract us from our miserable lives! Sorry, I'm projecting...

Let's start talking about the show...

Okay, I must admit something. You all know that I love the show and I love RuPaul (left), but the reason it took me a minute to finish this recap is because, well, girlfriend, I was some serious writer's block. And it stemmed from the fact that while the first two episodes (which you can watch in full at the bottom of this post) were enjoyable, I found myself missing some of the camaraderie of the first season's girls. I know this season's girls are still getting to know one another and that Ru had to amp up the drama for Season 2, but I kinda wish Ru included a few more warm and sweet girls in the mix. Seriously, this season's contestants are tougher cookies than the Hookers at the Point (below) and those girls are tough! Ooh, and before we go on to talk about the episodes, we have to discuss some insider blog scoop...


Alright, before this season started, I was contacted by the very special people at Logo because I was, and I quote, "one of their favorite bloggers"! Now, I know they prolly sent this same message to 2,347,569 other bloggers that even mentioned the show, but I choose to believe that A) I was the only one which makes me eminently important and special and B) everything I now type will be read directly by RuPaul herself.

So be sure to leave comments guys, RuPaul is reading!

Okay, let's talk about the first episode, which aired last week. The episode started with the girl's introductions, so how about we get to that. But before we do, can I just ask, how much are we loving the improved production values. The lens is like clear and you can see things. It's like the show had Lasik or something. Okay, without further ado, here are the 12 ladies in the running to becoming America's Next Top Tucker!


Nicole Paige Brooks (above).

Nicole is from AT-LANTA-GEO-GIA! And she basically looks like every girl who has ever cut hair at every strip mall salon in every strip mall all over the world. This is the reason why I love her. Also, Boy Nicole looks like a young Trevor Goodchild (below).


And that gives her an A+ in my book. Although, I may have to deduct points for that laugh. It's a little (by that I mean a lot) annoying...


Shangela Laquifa Wadley (above).

Is as cute as she wants to be.


Raven (above).

Is what Angelina Jolie would have become if she never adopted any babies. She's kinda always reminds me of a boy even when she's in drag, so she's the least transformative for me. Also, those studs under her lip make me want to plug her head into a battery charger. Where is that AC adapter?


Jujubee (above).

Juju is already my new best friend. Like, in my head, we have hung out for three weekends straight and she is calling me later tonight to dish about her date. Luf ha! Also, Boy Juju (below) is similarly fierce!


Exactly. Who's next to the loft, which looks just like the set of mid-90s Saturday morning show "City Guys." Anyone? Anyone?

Next up is...


Sahara Davenport (above).

I refuse to call her by this name as we all know her real name is Sheree from Bravo's "Real Housewives of Atlanta" (below).


Anyway, this dish is that Sheree and Shangela know each other from college (Fierceness Polytechnic Institute) and were mildly happy about seeing each other (if you saw the episode, you will get the joke), which left the girls with a bitter taste in their mouths.

I mean another bitter taste in their mouths, until...


Morgan McMichaels (above).

...Morgan shows up! Raven knows Morgan and running into the two of them in a dark alley is something I wouldn't want to do. Also, Morgan introduces herself as "people think that because I'm pretty and I'm sexy, I should just do slutty." Morgan, dear, honey doll, I hate to break this to you...


...But you look like an extra from "The Andy Griffith Show" outta drag. Opie ain't got nothing on you, b!tch! Okay, we have to ramp this up because we have only gone through half the girls and we still have two episodes to recap! Alright, lightning round!


Mystique Summers Madison (above).

For someone with such a pretty name, why the funky mood girl. Someone needs a new attitude! Alright, I just wanted to link to that video... Next!


Jessica Wild (above).

Will prolly win the whole competition.


Sonique (above).

First of all, there already is a Sonique. Secondly, as a girl, she is so beautiful.


Lastly, as a boy... She looks like 1973. Also, she knows Nicole Paige Brooks. These relationships are getting more complicated than The Babysitter's Club. Is anyone's mom married to anyone's dad? Next...


Tatianna (above).

Stunning.


Pandora Boxx (above).

Is what Lisa Lampanelli wishes she looked like. Also, how much do we love Shangela asking her if she can sew and basically deciding to use her as her white slave in front of her face. Shangela, keep your diabolical plans to yourself gurrrl.


Tyra Sanchez (above).

Last but not least is Tyra Sanchez who I would like more if she were a likable person. That's it! Those are ALL the girls. I know.

Okay, because that literally took like 3 days to go over we have like no time, so let's just hit the high points of two good, but not yet amazing, episodes. The first episode featured hunkadunk Mike Ruiz (left) shooting the ladies for a "Gone with the Wind" themed photo shoot. People, when I tell you these ideas are literally chosen at random from pieces of scrap paper shaken around in one of Ru's wigs, I'm not playing.

Anyway, so the first photo challenge involved a lot of wind and cannon straddling and black men dressed as Civil War era soliders and false eyelashes flapping and RuPaul screaming things like "She's gotta a lot of firepower between her legs" and "She's serving Suzanne Sugabaker!" Tatianna also saying "When I saw the fan, I was excited because fans make everything prettier" was a highlight. However, I also agree with Tatianna, "Really?" Seriously, a fan to blow them until they look ridiculous on the first challenge. Let them get acclimated until we humiliate them!

In the end, Ru and Mike chose Raven's photo (below)...


Although, I thought Pandora Boxx's photo (below) was more expressive...


But I won't start any judging controversies. Not yet anyway. So the first challenge was for the ladies to create outfits with curtains like Scarlett... Okay, this kinda gets on my nerves. Scarlett O'Hara didn't make anything out of curtains. She tore the curtains down and Mammy is the one who actually made the dress. Get it right.

Anyway, this part of the show we've seen it all before. Actually, I'll let Shangela describe the scene: "There were no ladies on that set today. There were men running for curtains." From here, Mystique complained about not having "plus-sized friendly" curtains, which I didn't know curtains came in regular and plus-sizes, and everyone else talked about their garments and their lives. We learned Tyra has a child (!) and that Tyra is in the bible. Alright, how much in love with Ru was Santino?


Just enough. Ooh, and guess who else was there!





I loved Juju and Jessica Wild but the judges went with Morgan McMichaels. As for the bottom two, the judges went with Shangela and Sheree whose outfits were unmemorable except for being particularly ill-fitting.

Thus, the friends had to Lip-Synch for Their Lives to "Cover Girl" by RuPaul, and poor little Shangela just didn't have the moxie and dance moves as Sheree so Shangela was sent home. It was sad because she was really nice to everyone.

Bye Shandy, you and your adorbs face!


I know, it's shocking how much I'm leaving out, but kids, time is up and we have a whole 'nother episode to recap, so let's get to it! So in this week's episode, the girls were all tasked with being ladies of the night in various forms throughout the episode. I have to breeze through this so just bear with. First, the girls had to style a RuPaul doll and Sheree and Pandora Boxx did the best with their hooker doll "Shafreeforal" (right).

...Which, I just have to add, is hilarious. So Sheree and Pandora Boxx became captains of two teams that would perform a burlesque show for the second challenge. And when Sheree and Pandora Boxx decided to split up the groups, they clearly used one feature of the contestants to help them decide who to pick...


By height (above)! What did you think I meant?

Okay, so the girls had to train to be pole dancers by two of the most fabulous actual women ever to exist on the earth. LAAADIES!


So the ladies taught our ladies some spins and flips and tricks, including the Drop it Like It's Hot, which, I'm sorry, every gay man knows how to do. The information is buried deep in the back of our brains since birth, like a sorority girl's ability to make the sound "WHOOOOOOOO!" And Morgan decided to demonstrate another stripper move...


...which should never be attempted if you are not a professional! Too many a woman has found herself in the emergency room from slamming her head on the ground trying to attempt this move. How many more people need to be felled by this maneuver before we put a stop to it?! *Panting* Moving on.

So the rest of this episode was Tyra complaining about EVERYTHING, Morgan choreographing, Tatianna stealing fabric, Tyra taking a Muthaf#cking Nap! But none of this really matters because all this episode was important for was the arrival of...


Dita Von Teese (above)! Sorry, I just had a retro glam explosion!

Oh, Kim Coles was there too, and I do love her except "Living Single" doesn't really trump the Von Teese. Btw, click the "Living Single" link and watch Coles' dancing 6 seconds in. Hilar. Okay, so the point of the challenge was that when one group of girls was on the stage, the other group would be out on Hollywood Boulevard slinging apple pies. No actual apple pies, not the euphemism for apple pies. Okay, I have to go warp speed again because this post is like 18 days long. So the girls performed...

Pandora Boxx's team looked like, well, looked like every strip show everywhere: lots of fake hair and fake enthusiasm.

Sheree's team was a bit more polished but even they looked like the hot messes you're supposed to look like when you do a strip show. There's no way to elevate it. Even Von Teese would tell you that. Oh, and was it just me or were some of the men in that audience, um, reeeeally into it? Yeah, I don't know how I feel about that. Anyway, the real fun came when the girls went outside and accosted passersby to buy apple pies. I have never seen more frightened people in my life. You know what? I don't blame them. In person, drag queens scare me a little. They're like clowns.

You never know what they're gonna do. Moving on.

So Nicole Paige Brooks revealed that she has a son too, which means that she has had to deal with so... Forget it! Here's Santino!


Giving it his best "The French Lieutenant's Woman" (above).

Now let's talk JUDGING!

I love love LOVED Sonique, and I loved Raven and Morgan (below)!


"Get me Morgan McMichaels from the secretarial pool..."

I thought everyone actually looked pretty good, but I agree that Nicole Paige Brooks' dress and performance overall was a little weak and as Raven didn't make any money for her team, I was OK with them being in the bottom two. In the end, Nicole couldn't out lip-synch Raven (to the sounds of En Vogue no less... 'cause when you lock it, you lose it, and I gotta go!) and she was voted off the island...


Okay, I know I glossed over a lot in these episodes, but if you want to catch up on anything, you can watch both episodes embedded after the jump. Remember, I'll be back with a shorter and hopefully better recap in TWO WEEKS! See you then!


Now what did you think about the first two episodes and of Season 2 in general? Are you liking the girls? Have you been watching the half-hour "Untucked!" episodes? Who do you think is gonna win!? When will I stop asking questions!?

You have to forgive me for being a little late with this one. International celebrity recording artist Heidi Montag released an album last month called "Superficial" (cover above). I meant to write about it as soon as it came out natch, but we'll just say that I was so enraptured by what I heard that it took me a month to really sort out my feelings, to overcome it all. Now if you don't know who Heidi Montag is A) have you not been reading my blog for like ever and B) I'll tell you.

First of all, she's an international celebrity recording artist as I said, and she also was on a show called something like "The Hills," but she only did that because her managers (Spencer Pratt and the stray cat that follows her car around) convinced her to do it.

It wasn't even her idea. You may also know her because she's been in the news lately for getting so much plastic surgery that she's on the road to being the new millennium version of Jocelyn Wildenstein (click if you dare). It's why I've given Heidi the name "Baby Joss," affectionately of course. But this is all secondary...

To the music.

Thankfully, longtime reader Ermine (thanks Ermine!) sent me the link to a place where I could listen to the album in its entirety.

Seriously, beyond glad I did. I also love how there's a few of you out there who aren't quite sure if I'm being serious. Well, I'll just leave that Oscar nommed George Clooney movie and start talking about the music... Ready? A song by song breakdown is below:

(p.s. a note on the grades... A Grade "A" song is like a song that isn't the worst thing you've ever heard while a grade "F" song... you get the idea. Click the titles to hear for yourself...)

"Look How I'm Doing": The beginning sounds like what I imagine the music that plays during a sex show in Bangkok sounds like, except skankier. Heidi is barely audible throughout the whole track, which is prolly a good thing. Also, the chorus features Baby Joss saying "ha ha ha ha," which I interpret to be her imitating the laughter of people who listen to the album. In other words, I love this song. Grade: B+

"Turn Ya Head": Any song with video game sounds in the background wins points with me. Did she just say "b!tch"? I have no idea what she is saying. This is a good thing. Okay, seriously, at about 2 minutes in, I have no idea what is happening. All I hear is whispering and Baby Joss talking. It's making me unconfortable. Grade: B-

"Fanatic": This song sounds like a 7 year old produced it on a Casio. A good Casio, but a Casio nonetheless. Grade: C

"Superficial": She sing/talks "They say that I'm conceited because they really want to be me." This song has literally been every 14 year old gay boys' anthem for the past 2 weeks. This beat is slowly growing on me. Damn it, this song will be my anthem for the next 2 weeks. Grade: B

"More Is More": It starts off like an exploded blood clot of Heidi all over your ears. She also sing/talks "It's f#cking chaos in here!" which I take to mean she's referring to the recording session. Grade: D

"One More Drink": Why did she choose this song and not "Overdosin'", which is infinitely better? Did I just compare/contrast Heidi Montag songs? Grade: F

"Twisted": Do not listen if you have an aversion to hearing Heidi screech for three minutes. Fave lyric so far: "What you've been doin'/Who you been screwin'?" Automatic line grade: A. Song... Grade: C

"Hey Boy": She just sang/talked "Don't act like you're paying my bills when you know your broke a$$ can't even pay attention."

Automatic lyric grade: A++. Someone please tell me that Baby Joss had even a little something to do with these lyrics. I just want to believe so much that she has some kind of sass within that Botoxed, bleached blond skull of hers. Also, strangely, this may be the best song on the album. Grade: A-

"My Parade": Starts off with an actual marching band (or you know, the Marching Band feature in Pro Tools), which is actually slightly creative with the lyric "rain on my parade." Hmm, Baby Joss, there may be quality in you yet. After listening a little longer, I'm gonna say it: This is a good song. I have no shame. Grade: A-

"Blackout": Okay, this has got to stop. I actually like this song a little too. It's got a cool easy-going vibe. This is when you know you have listened to too much Baby Joss; it gets into your system. Actually, this song would be great for someone like Katy Perry. Trust me, she's already hard at work on taking it. Grade: B+

"I'll Do It": I don't want to hear about Baby Joss having sex. Grade: F

"Love It or Leave It": Seriously, how long is this album? I feel like I've been listening to an animatronic sex robot coo preprogramed phrases for her owner for an hour, which is technically what I've been doing. Oh, this is the last song. Thank God, let's listen to "My Parade" again. Grade: F

So what did you think? Are you gonna rush out and get a second copy of "Superficial" because I know you already have the first copy you bought? What's your favorite song? Sorry, song was supposed to be in quotes.

I'm gonna go listen to "Overdosin'" for the 357th time! Bye!