Normally, I would rank them and be all "this one is good for x,y,z reason and this one is bad for x,y,z reason" but really, the winner is so obvious that I'm gonna stop talking and let her tell you herself:
Congrats, Adepero Oduye (above), star of "Pariah," for being the only one in the photo who looks like an actual human being (with Jessica Chastain being a close second except not really because even she looks a little plastic and poseable). Now what did you think of the...
Okay, wait, I just wanted to add that Rooney Mara is THE WORST, Mia Wasikowska is completely unrecognizable, Shailene Woodley looks like she needs to see a chiropractor, Paula Patton (whom I adore) looks bored as all hell, Jennifer Lawrence's hair looks Aqua Netted beyond repair, and the last three actresses on the inside flap are probably the same person just duplicated in Photoshop.
Never again, Mario Testino, never again.
Okay, now what did you think of the 2012 Vanity Fair Hollywood cover?
First, it's a ginger Junior. Wait. Let me say that again because I didn't feel the sonic boom coming from your side of the computer, so I must have said something wrong. Pause. Okay.
Exactly. And his name is Junior like how my name is... oh, that was the other thing I wanted to say:
YOU, OTHER JUNIOR, WILL NOT STOP ME FROM USING THE "JUNIOR" NAME FOR WHEN I BECOME AN INTERNATIONAL CELEBRITY DOING SOMETHING INVOLVING A TALENT I HAVE NOT AS YET DECIDED UPON, OKAAAAAY? SO NO HITTING ME UP WITH LAWSUITS BECAUSE YOU CLAIM THAT I "STOLE" THE NAME WHICH WE BOTH KNOW IS MINE FOR WHEN I BECOME IMMENSELY POPULAR BECAUSE OF THE THING THE WORLD WILL LOVE ME FOR THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS YET!
I have no clue why I'm being so aggressive. I need a Zebra Cake.
I haven't really been keeping up with all the Oscar bait movies this year. I saw "The Help," I still have to see "Midnight in Paris" and "The Descendants," but other than that, I'm good. Despite my ambivalence toward the films, I can still indulge in the Oscar derby.
Why should the football fans be the only ones to have something to debate over and discuss this time of year? Exactly. So although we will not be making any official predictions this year, nor will we be live-blogging anything, let's take this time to rattle off some cogent thoughts about this year's group of nominees. Lastly, please don't let it just be me! I want to -- AM DESPERATE TO -- hear your thoughts on the noms too so drop me a line and let me know what you like and don't like.
Okay, you can access the full list of nominees here. Let's begin.
- Rooney over Tilda! ROONEY over TILDA! I can't breathe, I'm can't... I'm DYING! Oh dear Lord in heaven, my friend's friend went to high school with the sisters Mara (Rooney and Kate) and said that Rooney was a total B. I can't!
Over... Wait, what?
Goddess Tilda, says it's gonna be alright. Okay, only if you say so.
p.s. we all have another black dress to look forward to from Ms. Mara. Goodness. A part of me hopes they jettison GWDT parts 2 and 3.
- Can I say I'm happy Michael Fassbender didn't make it in Best Actor for "Shame"? As much as I'd like them to, the Academy cannot start nominating penises for awards, and Fassbender's would not be the first on the list. Plus, reports say the movie was blah and he has some personal issues I'd like him to be a bit more forthcoming about so I'm OK with this omission.
- I'm THRILLED Leo DiCap wasn't nommed for that awful appearing "J. Edgar."
Actually, I'm kind of glad that movie crashed and burned. Glad Clint Westwood wasn't nommed or Dustin Lance Black because the Academy is also not in the business of nominating scripts culled from Wikipedia biographies (I also didn't think his script for "Milk" was that good either -- I went there!)
- Viola yeah!
She is only the second black woman ever to be nominated for an Academy Award twice, after Whoopi Goldberg. If she can win the SAG, she still has a chance over Meryl, whom I believe people are a little tired of espesh after her warbling Golden Globes speech. She called Tilda "Gilda". Nuff said.
- Glad Steven Spielberg was not nominated for directing "War Horse," which A) looks like it was made in 1991 and B) looks like it was terrible in 1991.
- Max von Sydow and Christopher Plummer do look very much alike.
- "Academy Award nominee Jonah Hill" IT'S REAL.
But this does give me an excuse to post the real thing I think Hill should have been nommed for. Video NSFW because you'll figure it out.
- I'm surprised they even still have the Best Song category.
They clearly want to phase it out. Phase it out. Do it.
- Super-thrilled that Kristen Wiig & Annie Mumolo received a Best Original Screenplay nod for "Bridesmaids." Even if you didn't think the movie was that funny (I thought it was hilarious and still quote several parts to this day -- basically anything Rose Byrne said), you have to admit it was the oddest, most inventive American comedy released in a very long time.
- "Academy Award nominee Bret McKenzie" IT'S REAL.
If you don't understand this one, watch below:
- "W.E." was nominated for something, y'all. Costume design. This means 4 more weeks of Madonna acting completely insufferable and dragging poor Andrea Riseborough by the hair everywhere she goes.
- So glad "Cars 2" wasn't nommed in Animated Feature. There was literally no reason that movie needed to be made. No one wanted "Cars" Original Flavor when it came out. They was a Saturday AM cartoon. No mas.
- "Margin Call" got an Original Screenplay nod. I heard it was very good despite the presence of La Spacey. Happy for Zach Quint, despite his having nothing to do with the screenplay. Eyebrows.
- 4 of the 5 Supporting Actress nominees have never been nominated before. That's always fun, especially because it's an early award which means you can see the person (prolly Octavia Spencer let's be real) win and then go make some food and feel like you're not gonna miss anything.
- Speaking of Supporting Actress: As much as I loved Jessica Chastain in "The Help," we all know she was nominated for her career-spanning body of work... in the 30 movies she was in in 2011.
- Speaking of Supporting Actress 2: Melissa McCarthy
Now all we have to do is get her contract with "Mike & Molly" dissolved and she can become the superstar she actually is (p.s. sorry Shailene Woodley from "The Descendants" but "Mike & Molly" >>> "The Secret Life of the American Teenager", it's Hollywood math).
- Who's hosting this thing again? Billy Crystal. Good grief. Maybe Spielberg was right. Maybe it is 1991. Signing off.
Again, I want to know what are your thoughts on the nominees!
I am happy to report that my friend Todd has a girlfriend. Yes, no more wondering about the size of his penis for me, because he now has someone new to share his life junk with and also, I am no longer staying at his house thereby putting myself in proximity with his life junk.
It's a win win.
The girl he's dating, whom we'll call Emily, is nice. I don't not like being around her. She can get a little flighty, and she does this thing where when she, Todd, myself, and other people are chatting in a semi-circle, she'll whisper something so only Todd can hear except we all know she said something and we'd kind of like to know what it is so we ask and she'll all "Nothing. Tee hee. OMG. Nothing. Tee. Hee." It's a little annoying.
The one thing the girl does know is her way around Manhattan (or maybe she knows her way around two things, she does have a boyfriend after all!), and she invited us all out to eat at a fancy restaurant for Restaurant Week, which is when fancy restaurants in New York City allow less thans to eat at their establishments for reduced rates (not really "reduced" as I still plunked down 60 bucks for a dining experience I'd call "meh"). Thank you, Emily.
So in preparation for an evening out on the town, I decided to upscale my look a little bit. I paired a high-necked black and white cable knit sweater with deep dark washed boot cut jeans, my chocolate colored Rockports, a chunky silver ring, and my beloved Member's Only jacket. I spent 30 minutes taming my unibrow, brushed with my Plus White, and was on my way.
When I got to the restaurant, Todd was wearing a t-shirt. Oh to not care.
Emily arrived with her friend Stephanie, who was at first a little curious as to why I was there, but then when I cracked a joke about how much I love the male body, she realized that she had in fact not be set up on a date by her coupled friends. She looked so relieved.
Anyway, we all sat down for dinner (I swear this story is going somewhere, even I am currently amazed at my ability to talk so much) and were talking about our mutual friends. But because Stephanie had never met any of the people we were talking about, we had to describe each person to her. Eventually, we spiraled around to Andrew, whom people who care about the stuff I do online and follow my Twitter feed will know is the straight man whom I'm most in love with right now. (There are others.)
He moved me into my apartment, made me a mix CD, drove me to IKEA, is flawless, and whom I refer to as "The Hotness". None of this is a problem. The problem was that we were in a deadlock over how to describe Andrew to Stephanie (who would make a cute couple, which is why they can never meet!) Emily, her flighty personality on fire, kept insisting that Andrew is a frat boy. Like I would ever want to have babies with a frat boy? Who does this girl think I am? Todd smartly reasoned that just because Andrew was in a frat does not make him a "frat boy."
Regardless of his momentary mental breakthrough, Todd couldn't come up with a better way to describe Andrew either. As he is a man I've spent countless hours daydreaming about and picking apart every aspect of his personality for proof that his sh!t literally doesn't stink, I knew exactly what Andrew was: a hipster. So I said it. "Andrew's not a frat boy," dismissive face in Emily's direction. "He's a hipster. There's a big difference."
Todd then says, "Yeah, that's right. Andrew's a hipster, like Junior."
Come now, say what?
"I'm not a hipster." I surprise myself with how quickly and forcefully I deny the label. It was as if someone tried to put a shirt from Abercrombie on my body and I chucked that sh!t to the ground all "I don't wear Abercrombie, b!tch!" I suddenly feel the need to make sure that Todd knows that I'm not a hipster so I say it again. "I'm not a hipster."
"Yes, you are," he laughs.
"No, I'm not."
"Um, yes you are."
"How am I a 'hipster'?"
I am actually saying the word "hipster" with open derision despite the fact that we just proved that Andrew, my betrothed, is a hipster. For some reason, it is OK for him to have this label but not me.
Whenever Todd discovers something about me that makes me uncomfortable, he likes to pick at it to rile me up because there is nothing he thinks is funnier. That's what he's doing. "How are you a 'hipster'?" Todd asks surprised that I'm asking. "I mean, look at you right now! You look so... trendy."
He says "trendy" the same way that I'm saying "hipster," except when these words are directed at me, I don't like them so much. I should also add that I'm having this conversation in my Ray Ban glasses but I don't own them because I'm a hipster, I really need glasses and... Wait, I see it now. Oh damn.
Todd might be right.
Ever since this encounter at the restaurant, I've been asking myself two questions: Am I a hipster? and Why did I reject the label so vehemently when it's very possible that I am a hipster? Let's make like a sexually confused 14-year-old boy, join the wrestling team, and pin this problem on the mat.
Hipsters are not new. Nor do they only exist in Brooklyn or the Lower East Side.
They come from all places in all countries. Basically, a "hipster" is any person who participates in the style, entertainment, and behavioral commonalities of people who are a part of but don't want to join, and openly deride, mainstream society.
Thus, sarcasm toward the mainstream is very prevalent, as is the adoption of items that are considered regular by mainstream standards becoming mythic to hipsters: Ray Bans, mustaches, bow ties, old TV shows. The last part of the hipster definition is embracing anything that is new because it has not reached the mainstream. The newest movie, band, store, place, blog, meme is coveted until it is sullied by too many people knowing about it, hence becoming a part of the mainstream. Why do I have such a problem associating myself with this label? I'm a gay, black man. I'm definitely marginalized outside of mainstream society, but no, I don't like it. Why? Before that, we have to do something basic, we have to figure out if I'm actually a hipster or not. Let's see. We already covered the Ray Bans (p.s. I'm getting my eyes reexamined and getting new glasses soon so this will be off the list). I do love LCD Soundsystem.
What else? I do emit copious amounts of snarkery on my blog (two in one sentence!) I have said the sentence "Sometimes I think about just moving to Paris. Just giving up everything and doing it, you know?" I wear Converses. I think every car should be a hybrid. I love me a plaid shirt. I mentioned IKEA. I would gladly move to Brooklyn or Austin or Seattle if I had more money. That's another one, I don't have any money. I spend most weekends in the East Village or the West Village. I watch "Portlandia." I write depressing fiction. Um, I'm never satisfied with anyone or anything. I mentioned the Member's Only jacket. I love Sufjan Stevens inappropriately. I used to love "30 Rock," but now I'm obsessed with "Parks & Rec." I call it "Parks & Rec." I never remember the name of the restaurant I just ate at and to me the middle of the country is where cows live... and people go to die.
This is some pretty damning evidence if I do say so myself. However, I refuse to call myself a hipster. Firstly because you can't call yourself a hipster. The whole point of hipsterdom is that you like don't care about anything really so if I was an actual hipster I'd never say so, because I'm bored. Secondly, I refuse this label because I honestly don't think it's true.
Again, I have two reasons. First, I don't think I'm cool enough by any stretch of the imagination. When I think about the hipster, I think about the Beat Generation, your Allen Ginsbergs and Jack Kerouacs of the 1950s. Those thin men who smoked cigarettes and wore little hats and could spend hours talking about The Man and who sucked up all the cool and didn't leave any left for future generations. I am so not that. I am RIDICULOUSLY goofy. I couldn't pull off cool if you poured it over my head slowly like the honey in that cover of that album by the Ohio Players. I can fake cool if necessary, but after an hour or two, the cracks will start to buckle and the goofy will rise to the surface. It's hard to be effortlessly cool when you're sucking in your stomach, arching your back, trying to speak two octaves lower than your natural speaking voice, and look disinterested all at the same time. Eventually, I will bust my a$$ while trying to model walk down 7th Avenue and everyone will see how not cool I really am.
The second reason I don't think I'm a hipster answers the question of why I reacted so negatively to the label in the first place. The anti-mainstream is now so mainstream that it's pushing people like me (dark, gay, poor, those who don't care that much) to the fringes. I can't accept that. Most annoyingly, because of the hipster desire for all things new, there is a constant competition to find the latest thing, like the latest indie movie, support the latest cause.
I'll give you an example. So Andrew and I have been doing this thing where we'll recommend music to each other because we have the same hipsterish tastes. He'll send me a link to some band I've never heard of who's playing music in Williamsburg using dental floss and garbage can lids ("They are gonna be big in five years!" he'll say), and I'll send Andrew an indie band that I like. However, he never seems to respond about my band choices. On this last go-around, I asked him -- about a band I thought NO ONE knew about because I practically made them up -- if he knew them or liked the music.
This is a paraphrase of what he said: "Oh yeah, I saw them two years ago at Coachella, and then last year at Bonnaroo. I really liked them until their album came out and I bought it on vinyl and Pitchfork gave them a rave, but then Stereogum said it was derivative and their last show at SXSW was a disaster because they were sponsored by MTV2. Ew. So now I put them in the same pile as Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and Cold War Kids." It's a loose paraphrase, but you get the gist.
I can't. I love him, but I can't. I have a life, hipsters. I have to eat food (not Irish-Pakistani fusion that gonna be big in two years), and go to work, and live a life. I can't constantly shuffle from hot trend to trend making sure I'm ahead of the curve. When I said I liked LCD Soundsystem, what I failed to mention was that I started liking them last year. I know. So not trendy.
So I'm disagreeing with Todd. I am NOT a hipster. Unless, you disagree with me in which case I'll hear your argument. I guess this means Question Time:
Do you think I'm a hipster? Are you a hipster? Are there any things you like about our current hipster culture? Style? Music? TV? Dislikes? How are we going to explain to future generations why we were dressing in 2012 like it was 1956, 1976, and 1996 at the same time? Should I say "hipster" again?
I've been pretty video heavy lately. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. You'll have to tell me. As I've already started writing the post, there's not much I can do about it now so let's just enjoy, shall we? Today we're talking about those viral online "Sh!t [Blank] Say" Videos that are all the rage on the YouTubes and the Interwebs. If you don't know, these videos are short snippets of generalizations about the things people in different societal groups say that are meant to be funny in a "hey, I've said that" kind of a way.
Whether it be girls or gay men or black people or Liza Minnelli, these videos typically fall down two different tracks: either they are so bitingly accurate and absurd that they are hilarious, or they are stereotypical and derivative and often insulting. Since there are SO MANY of these clips, I thought I'd provide people a one-stop shop for the most notable ones and why they are the best or the worst.
Feel free to grade them along with me or point me in the direction of more of these ridiculous, catchy like a crack pipe videos! Let's begin.
The gold standard. Obviously, this trend has existed in the past ("Sh!t My Dad Says" anyone?) but the "Sh!t Girls Say" series took it to a whole 'nother level and basically made anyone with time on their hands and a DV camera lose their minds trying to copy, imitate, flip it, and reverse it.
While the original in this series is very funny, Episode 2 is so amazing in its specificity and hilarity that I am still awaiting any video to meet let alone exceed its brilliance. The first time I heard "I kinda want a hot dog" I literally spit out everything I was eating/drinking and laughed for 20 minutes straight because I have literally heard every girl I've ever known say that at some point in time (along with myself once or twice). It's so good, right?
Grade: A
Favorite Line: "Is that a coffee? I might get one."
As a black person, this one really made me laugh because I've heard pretty much everything in this video at some point in my life ("Why isn't there a White Entertainment Television?" My response: "There is. It's called CBS.") The reason it's not as highly rated by me is that I think it could have been even funnier if the tone of her delivery was brought down a notch.
And the second episode in this series is terrible, leading me to believe my impression of the first one was not far off.
It's decidedly low rent, parts you can't even hear that well, and is probably the most stereotypical of the bunch... and I love it to pieces, which I'm sure is something a Southern Gay Guy has said at some point in time. The examples are both over-the-top and believable, which is the perfect balance for one of these vids. But I do have a question, does it say something about me -- Born and raised in New York -- that I say most of these things all the time including but not limited to "That is the night the lights went out in Georgia!"
Grade: B+
Favorite line: "I'm not dating anyone who dips. I'm just not doing it."
OMG welcome to my childhood. I am not Latino in any immediate way. Maybe at some point in time in the distant past my relatives were, but I'm not. Instead, I relate to this video because three of my friends growing up were named Liliana, Antonio, and Yesenia and I lived at their houses and basically this video was my life. Ay ma! I can and often do slip into Spanish Girl speak during my daily life and let me tell you whether Puerto Rican or Dominican or Peruvian or Colombian, this video is on point!
Ay ma!
Grade: A-
Favorite line: "How many times I gotta tell you, stop!"
Let me start by saying that I love Jeffery Self. His stuff with Cole Escola is comedy gold. Pure gold. This video, not so much. The problem is Jeffery himself. See, I am aware of his comedy and who he is so all his jokes make sense to me. However, to call the video "Sh!t Gay Guys Say" and feature references and in-jokes relating to such a specific type of gay man make it hard to relate to the wacky generalization of a Sh!t Girls Say and the like.
Thus, you watch it and feel like, yes, it was funny but no, I will not be pressing repeat once the video is over. It pains me to write that.
Grade: B-
Favorite line: "Stockard Channing is in 'Heartburn'!"
Sh!t Rancid Gay Guys Say (OMG FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY THIS IS NSFW)
Comedian Mike Diamond does stuff for Logo and I never really liked him when he did. I felt like he was all over the place and not very funny. Now I know why. He couldn't be completely disgusting, which is where his funny apparently lies. I know for the above video I said that Jeffery Self was portraying too specific a gay man to be generalizable to the audience. Mike Diamond is too.
The different between the two men is that Mike Diamond's references are all uniquely hilarious. I'm not even gonna type them out. They are too much.
While the first episode in this series was meh in my opinion, episode 2 is literally like a masterpiece is absurdity. It is so wacked out (what is the music video in the middle!) that it spins around and becomes so amazing they should install it on monitors in art galleries. And the lines! "This is not 'Love & Hip Hop' you need to get it together!" "That baby don't even look like him." "I WANT HOT CHEETOS!" and of course "Delete!"
And yes, this is the most stereotypical video in the list and maybe in the world, but I've met these girls. I'm related to these girls and I love them.
We all love them!
Grade: A-
Favorite line: "Your name is not on the lease so your stuff will be, what? Outside."
The reason this video has one of the lowest grades is not because it's not funny nor is it because the topic is one that is worthy of a video, it's because the creators clearly had the means and yet it is so not done. It's too short, the pauses are too long, and while some of the remarks are on the money ("How do you decide what goes where?") and the guys delivery is funny ("Because I imagine it would." being his best read) there isn't enough here to love.
Maybe episode 2?
Grade: C
Favorite line: "You seem to know a lot of people."
Everything about this is hilarious especially because every gay man who has been friends with a girl of a certain type has heard these things before. What I also love is the guy's conviction. Despite rocking a beardette, his sheer will allows you to suspend disbelief and laugh at how true the moments are that he presents. And all of those moments are true, trust!
Grade: B+
Favorite line: "You're like my Sassy Gay Friend, I love it."
Thanks to Best Week Ever, Lazy Circles, and What the World Does Not Need for the vids that I would have never seen because I only watch muscle videos on YouTube. Real talk. Now do you have a favorite video in this meme? Do you wish that it would stop? What other iterations on this theme do you think they can come up with? I would really like them to do a "Sh!t Girls Say to Their Boyfriends" because I think it would be hilarious.
There was a point in time, not too long ago, when businesses wanted to show that they had "street cred" that they would turn to whatever black rapper was bubbling under the mainstream consciousness, have them spit some rhymes about their product, and seem edgy and hip tangentially. Well, those times are over because white people (whom I adore and whose men I have several active crushes on as I type this) have filled the void where there once was darkness.
Don't feel me? Then just watch this.
If black people can't even rap about cars in commercials anymore, well this leads me to declare that black people are no longer necessary*. So then that happened. What is society as a whole gonna take away next: bling, wearing wigs/weaves, having bad credit. What was that? Everybody does those things now. WHAT? I guess we can replace all black people then or just hire some hamsters.
Question Time: What do you think? Does this commercial make you feel that black people are no longer necessary? I mean, what's left for us to do with we can't rap about cars in commercials? Exactly. I came up with nothing too.
