Juice with Junior

I would like to start what I'm sure will soon become a rambling, incoherent, nonsensical blog post by stating up front that I have absolutely no problem with Colby Melvin (above) himself.

This post is not meant to deride him or insult him or even discuss him that much, well I will a little bit. Anyway, from what I've seen, Melvin seems like a wonderful young man who is very beautiful and very kind. I'm sure he'd be one of those guys I'd stare at in a club whispering "I hate him so much" all while loving every minute of him. And clearly, he is that guy because people know his name and we're talking about him right now. Okay, what is this post about, you ask. This post is about a question I asked recently on Twitter and can't get out of my head:

What exactly is Colby Melvin's job? Like what does it say on his W-9? RT @paulbos: I can't even with these two: fuckyeahcolbymelvin.tumblr.com/post/496328652…
— Junior (@juicewithjunior) May 7, 2013

I repeat: What exactly is Colby Melvin's job? ANSWER ME.

Sorry, I told myself not to get combative and here I am. Okay, how about we backtrack a little and for those who have no idea who Colby Melvin is, I'll explain a little. Melvin models underwear for company Andrew Christian (probably NSFW, let's not chance it) and is very involved in gay rights issues, working with organizations and media types to get the word out (I am paraphrasing his own About Me page, which is part of the problem). Last year, Melvin appeared in a parody video of the OneDirection song "What Makes You Beautiful" called "Disclosure," which, and I will probably get this wrong, was about Republican liars basically and was propelled into gay stardom.

Which is fine. The Internet produces a new star a minute. However, Melvin is still around, and while I don't not want him to be around, there's a part of me that uncomfortable with the fact that I know his name and it may solely be because he is an attractive person. AND NOTHING ELSE.

Which is why I ask, what is his job? We're gonna break this post down into a 2-parter:

****
Part One: What the F Is Wrong With Me?

I am not an attractive person. That is just true like the sea, the sky, and the wind. Because of this, I've always made money, earned my keep, by using my brain and a little bit of brawn, but mostly all brain.

Thus, I've always been uncomfortable around people who can get by and thrive on the fact that they're attractive. It weirds me out. This little voice inside my head is always telling me, shouldn't you have to DO something? This is why when I see people become notable for basically looking like and existing, I kinda can't handle it. YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. Right?

Now, I don't begrudge people who are able to pay their way by the way that they look. I actually feel like kind of cheated that no one told me the option existed. Listen, I may not be attractive, but there was a week when I was 22 years old, when I had been working out for like a year and I only wore slutty shirts, that I was borderline attractive. Like under certain lights, with enough shadow and filters, you could stand near me (but not too near) and say "Wow, he's really attractive." If someone had told me, "Hey Junior, you need to find a photographer, take your clothes off, do some videos and you could be famous and have your rent paid." I would have jumped on that ship like Rose jumping off the Titanic into a life raft.

I am all for turning my (then) good looks into a commodity. But now, as I get older, and I not only realize that I feel like attractiveness is this dangerous thing that people (myself included) covet too much and it's all bringing us down, I realized also that I'm not borderline attractive anymore. So the moment passed. Doing something surpassed looking like something as my way of surviving.

Some of you might say: Well, he's a model. True-ish. I mean he models for Andrew Christian, but he's not in the Fashion Model Directory and even his About Me never really mentions that this is a modeling CAREER. I would say that yes, he models, but he's not a model. He's more of a very attractive person paid for their attractiveness.

Some of you might add: Well, Kim Kardashian is paid for her attractiveness. I would reply that she's also on TV shows, pitches products, and has a store called DASH that no one has ever seen and no one ever goes. Well, what about Ronnie Kroell? Television. Well, what about Chris Kluwe? Football.

Well, what about Playboy models? They're just paid to take their clothes off too. True, but at least they're in a magazine. Some kind of mass produced entertainment that's not modeling sometimes for an underwear line. WHICH ISN'T TO SAY THAT THAT ISN'T DIFFICULT! I imagine it must be very difficult to get your body into that kind of shape to be photographed and then the actual shoot itself where you're cold and you have to pose and smile... It must be THE WORST. But I still feel like it in an of itself is not a job. I sorries.

****
Part Two: What the F Is Wrong With You?

While there is a part of me that feels stupid for even talking about this and not just feeling like "He's hot. Listen to what he has to say! He's hot!" There's another part of me that feels like why don't you all agree with me?! Underwear model/activist full stop SHOULD NOT BE a reason to get your face into other people's faces. Getting your face into other people's faces should come because you did SOMETHING: You modeled day in and out, you acted in movies and on TV, you had an opinion or a book or a history or a story that made you SOMETHING! My entire foundation on the reason why celebrities, noted notables, whatever you want to call them is based on this concept.


HOWEVER (this post has been very CAPS heavy). I don't think that Melvin shouldn't be in the public eye. His story is actually fascinating. Apparently (again all gleaned from a very enlightening About Me page), Mr. Melvin used to work in the oil and gas industry and had to face discrimination and prejudice after it was discovered that he was gay. The problem I have with society is that I didn't know any of this until I did my research! The only thing I ever heard from people was "He's hot."

I have this fear that in the probably nearer than you think future, all hot people will be revered like gods and us uggos will live in camps in barren areas of the world. Or basically The Hunger Games. When it comes to people like Melvin, I can already see that happening. Instead, I would love if yes, we appreciated Melvin's hotness, but also he wasn't just an attractive shell, but someone who was able to DO given his history and what is compelling about him.

I'm also positive I made no sense. But thanks for reading, thanks to Mr. Melvin for letting me use him as an example, and thanks for everyone for not just loving me for my looks but because I contribute!

What was that? You weren't loving me for my looks?

Can you just let me fantasize that was true? Please!

I hate Justin Timberlake. I consider myself a pretty kind, generous, loving person who is able to forgive people and see the good in humanity. I still hate Justin Timberlake. I won't get into all of it now because we could be here for days (aping black culture, Janet Jackson, Jessica Biel, general smarminess are the highlights), but let's just put it this way: I hate him, it will never change, I would say it to his face, and I will never watch a movie he's in or listen to his music. Luckily, I haven't ever wanted to see a movie he was in and he hadn't made music in years, so I was in the clear.

Until this. Yes, back in March, the Timberfake released that and it did well (as everyone expected although I think his label bought some of those copies because that first week sales number sounds inflated to me but whateves, I'll stop) and he's made mentions of the fact that he'll be releasing more music this year. Wonderful. Listen, I don't want this to become a b!tch-fest over Timberfake. I hate him. I'm not asking people to join me in my sentiments. You can still like him. Of course, you can still like him, just know that I won't. EVER. But, I do like a whole lot of other people, other guys making similar sounding (often better) music that will give you the Timberfake feel without me actually having to listen to Timberfake. This way, if you like my recommendations, we can convo about these guys and not about how much I'm avoiding having a 20/20 experience.

Let's begin:

Robin Thicke (left)

The son of Jason Seaver is oft compared to the Timberfake. They are both white (RACIST), both sing in mostly falsetto (though Thicke's is better, okayI'llstop), and both make the kind of pop/R&B that both pop-lovers (white people) and R&B lovers (black people) [Side note: RACIST and RACIST] can appreciate, although Thicke has been more thoroughly adopted into the black community because he isn't THE WORST. Anyway, while it isn't the best song (Thicke can be pretty hit or miss), if you like the Timberfake, I would recommend Thicke's newest single with Pharrell & Co called "Blurred Lines" (video below).


Next up is:

Jared Evan

Evan is a 23-year-old Long Island singer/rapper whose collaboration album with producer Statik Selektah, "Boom Bap & Blues" (cover at right), that was released in February is still ranking pretty high on my list of favorite music of the year even after big albums have come out.

Evan and Statik Selektah blend modern rap and hip-hop with old school soul, R&B, funk, and a lot more, certainly more than the Timberfake can fit into those 7-minute long wan opuses of... Sorry, I'll stop. I think that if you like "Suit & Tie," but why would you, than you'll find that "The Devil Wears Prada" (video below) from "Boom Bap" will fit in very nicely next to it. Or maybe just replace it because let's be real, "Suit & Tie" is awful though Timbaland is somewhat to blame as well.


Now let's go with:

Electric Guest (left)

I've talked about my love for Electric Guest before but their recently-released "Good America EP" has got me thinking about them again because one song on it, in particular, I feel has a very Timberfakey sound and could easily replace one of those other "songs" from his new album you're listening to behind my back.

This makes sense because Guest is comprised of Matthew Compton and Asa Taccone, who is the brother of Jorma Taccone, of having sex with Marnie on "Girls" and Timberfake collaborating The Lonely Island fame. Anyway, the song I'm thinking of was produced by Danger Mouse, which these days just means quality, and is called "The Jerk" (below). Play it loudly in cars.


Okay, I really like:

Millionyoung (right)

Millionyoung is the moniker for Florida based producer and singer Mike Diaz.

While Millionyoung's music is more in the electronic/chillwave vain, I find that there is a lot of smooth R&B undertones to his sound, which will mean you can delete all of the Timberfake's music without hesitation (I love how I sneak something disparaging about him into every description, sure I hate him, but he was mostly an excuse to tell you about some new music I like, and I hate him.) Anyway, Millionyoung's third album, "Variable," will definitely be on my year-end list as it is excellent, I've already reviewed it on Twitter, and people if you're not checking me out on Twitter than I can't help you because that's where I tell you about ALL the music I love.

Okay, here's the lead single from "Variable" called "Lovin'" which is so much better than anything the Timberfake's ever done, I bet you'll never go back! Or so I hope.


Lastly:

Timeflies (left)

Maybe you're only in it for the pretty. Listen, I get it. I was a young gay man when the Timberfake's Rolling Stone cover issue came out.

I remember waiting at CVS until they unwrapped that issue and buying it in a frenzied lust with my best friend at the time. I forgive myself, and I forgive you if you only find yourself drawn to the Timberfake because you like his face. To which I reply: HAVE YOU SEEN CAL SHAPIRO'S FACE? Along with producer Rob Resnick, Shapiro is the other member of pop group Timeflies and listen, they have absolutely no R&B leanings whatsoever. What they do have is Shapiro's face and body and as I am the purveyor of hot men all over the world, it is my duty to bring you Shapiro's hotness in the below video for their single "I Choose U." Enjoy and as you lust, let all your Timberfake memories fade.


Question Time: Are you a Timberfake fan? If so, would you at least consider adding some of my similar choices to your library so we have something to talk about in addition to all the other stuff we have to talk about? Can you think of any other young, white (RACIST), guys who make pop/R&B that can replace the Timberfake? Or how about anyone in that musical genre whom you like, black, white, Latino, Asian, girl, boy (INCLUSIVENESS)? Are you enjoying the Timberfake's album?

I haven't listened to it because I'm actively avoiding it.

God, I hate him.

I get it. I do.

I get it. I used to be one of those young people all I'm never gonna act like an old person because all acting like an old person is is being stuck in your time period and not opening your mind to experience new things and I'm like always gonna open my mind to experience new things... Hey Stacey, what's up? ...Um, yeah, so like I'm always gonna open my mind to experience new things and that's why I'll like totally never get old like whatever. Old people SUCK. Young people RULE! But now I get it. What is it that I 'get'? Well, I get how the universe, popular culture, entertainment, young culture, whatever you want to call it, the universe will appropriate new things and foist them upon you before you're ready or even willing to accept them. This often happens right at the moment you've just figured out all there is to know about the LAST thing that was foisted upon you. Thus, over time, you kind of get tired with all this foisting (I'm seriously having a love affair with that word) and you just give up, not to be stuck in your ways, but to refrain from learning about the newest thing until it is absolutely necessary.

It's the difference between introducing yourself to everyone at the party versus waiting for the hot new thing to introduce themselves to you, and right now I am the ultimate pop culture wallflower. I am The Wallflowers. I'm enjoying all the perks of being a wallflower.

I... can't think of any more "wallflower" references. Anyway, in effort to not fade into oblivion around young people (or at least understand them when they speak on the subway), I've put together a list of all the pop culture junk that I can't make heads or tails out of. If you know what any of this stuff is, help a brother out and tell me in the comments! Let's begin.


10)

YOLO (pop culture)

I get that this stands for "you only live once." What I don't get is the idea that someone abbreviated that VERY OLD AND TIME WEATHERED IDIOM LIKE IT'S SERIOUSLY BEEN AROUND SO LONG IT'S AN "IDIOM" WHICH CALLING SOMETHING AN IDIOM IS A VERY OLD THING TO DO LIKE THEY SAY "IDIOM" ON JEOPARDY SO IT'S DOUBLE OLD and now it's a thing that people say when they want to sound cool except "you only live once" is so old I can't even. What's next? It's the early bird that catches the worm. ITEBTCTW. A penny saved is a penny earned. APSIAPE. Be kind rewind. BKR.

Seriously, what's next? SWN?

What I Originally Thought It Was: A new brand of yogurt, but like the kind that doesn't make you poop. Are there any yogurts that don't make you poop? I wouldn't know, I don't eat yogurt.

What It Actually Is (According to Wikipedia): "YOLO is an acronym for "you only live once". Similar to carpe diem or memento mori, it implies that one should enjoy life, even if that entails taking risks. The phrase and acronym are used in youth culture and music. The phrase and acronym were popularized by the song "The Motto" by Canadian rapper Drake."


9)


Trolls (internet)

Here's the thing I don't get about "trolls"? If we all get that these are people who just say whatever to be... whatever, I don't really know, then why do other people on the internet give them the time of day. Similarly, why, when you try to make a comment that goes against the status quo, do you get automatically called a "troll"? Third question, how terrible is your life going when the responses in a message board make you think about life in general?

What I Originally Thought It Was: Those little dolls with the multicolored hair that stuck straight up that were so cute omg I used to have like six of them and they were a family and my mom once for my birthday gave me a box with all these compartments that I think she used to store her high heels in anyway it had all these compartments so I pretended it was their house and each troll had there very own "room." I was so gay and so adorable when I was eight years old.

What It Actually Is (According to Wikipedia): "In Internet slang, a troll (pron.: /ˈtroʊl/, /ˈtrɒl/) is someone who posts inflammatory,[1] extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as a forum, chat room, or blog, with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response[2] or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.[3] The noun troll may also refer to the provocative message itself, as in: "That was an excellent troll you posted.""


8)


Macklemore (music)

Macklemore is a person (I hope this is at least right) who performs music for people who listen to it? For the longest time, I thought the person identifying himself as Macklemore was another person identifying himself as Conor Maynard so you can imagine my confusion when I saw the aforementioned performing on "Saturday Night Live" and... well, no wait, because I actually didn't know who on the stage at "SNL" was Macklemore so I... help.

Side discussion: I don't know what Ryan Lewis is either?

What I Originally Thought It Was: A hunting & wildlife store that also featured wearable casual clothes similar to Eddie Bauer.

What It Actually Is (According to Wikipedia): "Ben Haggerty (born June 19, 1983), known by his stage name Macklemore and formerly Professor Macklemore, is an American rapper and musician."


7)


Molly (drugs)

I actually wrote something here before I read the Wikipedia page for Molly and now I'm changing what I wrote upon the discovery that "Molly" is just ecstasy in powder form! WHAT?! Because I'm so incredibly old at the age of 30, I've been watching all these news reports about how dangerous this drug is and ALL THE KIDS IN THE WHOLE WORLD are taking it and DYING and it's the worst thing since bath salts. Excuse me. I grew up with ecstasy. I've been to the clubs. IN THE 90S! I've never taken it because I'm not stupid (plus, this is me sober. Can you even imagine me on drugs?) but I clearly remember passing out water bottles while techno thumped around me while I proceeded to scream at people's faces "STAY HYDRATED!" This is not new. This is rebranding. Every generation thinks they're the first... Harumph. Side note: Don't do drugs, you guys. Crack is wack.

What I Originally Thought It Was: A nice girl, from just outside Columbus, Ohio, who moved to New York City two years ago because she got an internship working at a publishing company and she just can't believe how expensive New York is and sure I'll go halvesies on your bag of rice cakes, she's always super nice.

What It Actually Is (According to Wikipedia): "MDMA (3,4-methylenedioxy-N-methamphetamine) is an empathogenic drug of the phenethylamine and amphetamine classes of drugs. MDMA has become widely known as "ecstasy" (shortened to "E", "X", or "XTC"), usually referring to its street pill form, although this term may also include the presence of possible adulterants. The term "molly" or "mandy" colloquially refers to MDMA in powder or crystalline form, usually implying a higher level of purity.[3]"


6)


Conor Maynard (music)

See "Macklemore" above.

What I Originally Thought It Was: A hunting & wildlife store that also featured wearable casual clothes similar to Eddie Bauer.

What It Actually Is (According to Wikipedia): "Conor Paul Maynard (born 21 November 1992) is an English singer from Brighton who is currently signed to EMI subsidiary, Parlophone."


5)


Revirginity (pop culture)

Apparently, on the most recent season of ABC's "The Bachelor" (don't ask me, I do not know... except, remember when we all thought they were going to pick a black guy and they found the blondest most blue-eyed guy they could find, this show=the worst) the guy who is the bachelor except he must not be anymore because the season's over (I think) which means he must be the engaged to a girl he doesn't know, ANYWAY, the guy on the show is a revirgin, which is someone who's had genitals touch their own to produce orgasm, but because they've found the Way and are now celibate, they proclaim themselves to be revirginized. This word can also be applied to horrible surgeries and other methods for making the vajay tighter, but we are SO not talking about that. Here's the thing about revirginity everyone: you can have your cake and eat it too. Just own your sexual pasts and don't try to be something your not. I'm specifically speaking to anyone who typed "how do you get your virginity back?" into Google because that came up when I was doing a search on this and made me laugh for 20 minutes straight.

What I Originally Thought It Was: No, I pretty much got this one right off the bat. I mean. It's not hard. Well, it's hard. But it's not hard.

What It Actually Is (According to Wikipedia): Well, wikipedia doesn't really have an entry for "revirginity" so here's the link to "virginity" and you can sort it all out on your own time.


4)


LTE (internet-adjacent)

I think I'll need the most help for this one. So, LTE, is like, um, a type of data service for your phone like 3G but better but not 4G except maybe like 4G sometimes, I think. Basically everything is faster and better on LTE except that some devices don't carry (is "carry" the right word?) it so you're stuck downloading cat pictures on your phone at reduced speeds.

What I Originally Thought It Was: Those guys that sang that "I like girls who wear Abercrombie & Fitch" song. Didn't one of them die? Much love.

What It Actually Is (According to Wikipedia): "LTE, an initialism of long-term evolution, marketed as 4G LTE, is a standard for wireless communication of high-speed data for mobile phones and data terminals."


3)


"Pretty Little Liars" (television)

I get that this is a TV show. I'm not that old. I even know that the girl who used to be Abby on "Days of Our Lives" is on this show. What I don't know is everything else basically, especially why I always hear about this show but have never seen a moment of it, know when it's on or what channel, or why it exists?

What I Originally Thought It Was: I actually thought they were the names of three new Britney Spears' fragrances: "Pretty" smelled like lavender, "Little" smelled like jasmine, and "Liars" smelled like Cool Ranch Doritos.

What It Actually Is (According to Wikipedia): "Pretty Little Liars is an American teen drama mystery-thriller television series loosely based on the popular series of novels written by Sara Shepard."


2)


Reddit (internet)

Because I read a number of pop culture blogs, I'll often hear people say "This was interesting. When I read it earlier on Reddit!" and I'm always befuddled because I couldn't tell you what Reddit is. Is it a website, a blog, an aggregation or a plane, a train, maybe an eel or a seal! IDK. Whenever I've ever visited the space that is Reddit.com I'm instantly regretful. There are words EVERYWHERE. Is there style? Is there substance? Can I haz finesse?

What I Originally Thought It Was: A new brand of microwave popcorn. Damn. Now I want popcorn.

What It Actually Is (According to Wikipedia): "Reddit is a social news and entertainment website where registered users submit content in the form of either a link or a text ("self") post. Other users then vote the submission "up" or "down", which is used to rank the post and determine its position on the site's pages and front page."


1)


Harlem Shake (music?)

What I Originally Thought It Was: Nothing. I didn't think it was anything. I had literally never put the words "Harlem" and the word "Shake" into the same sentence until this very day. I've still never heard the song. Proud? No. I'm not a snob. Heidi Montag takes up space in my iTunes. Pleased? Yes.

Very much yes.

What It Actually Is (According to Wikipedia): The song: ""Harlem Shake" is a song recorded by American DJ and producer Baauer." The meme: "The Harlem Shake is an Internet meme in the form of a video in which a group of people performs a comedy sketch accompanied by a short excerpt from the song "Harlem Shake"."


That's my list! Now it's...

Question Time: Are there any trends or things or stuff or junk that young people do in pop culture nowadays that has you totally confused? Who else thinks this list is gonna be really fun to read even five years from now? I, for one, can't wait!

I'm warning you now that this post is link-heavy. Let's begin.

Above is a commercial for automaker Volkswagen from Germany... What? I'm just saying that Volkswagen is a German automaker, I'm not implying anything about Germany and its history. I've been to Germany. It's a lovely country. So Volkswagen has been teaming up with reggae legend and noted Jamaican Jimmy Cliff on a series of commercials (which make no sense, this is not an editorial, it's just the truth) to shill both Volkswagen and Cliff's latest album. The motto is for people to "Get Happy" in 2013 by buying Volkswagens (although I want to note that I bought a car this year and it did not make me happy, it made me poor) and singing the theme to "The Partridge Family" while dancing in fields with viral video stars. Are you starting to see how none of this makes sense?

I'm getting to the commercial above. Let's continue. Okay, for the Super Bowl, which I do not like but that's neither here nor there, Volkswagen decided to really hammer home the point of "getting happy" buying one of their cars by showing a commercial about a man who drives a Volkswagen and his entire personality changes. So far so good, right? Okay, so the man, who is white although he could be mixed (Minnesota, where his character is from, does have an 83% non-Hispanic white population after all) experiences a personality change into someone with a strong Jamaican accent or patois (?) who proceeds to flit around the office not really doing any work (??) while annoying co-workers (???) about how they need to "get happy." There's more. Then, in an effort to show his colleagues that his car has done this to him, he takes them out for a joyride, at the end of which, they return to the office late (????) all effecting Jamaican accents. I have no words.

Normally, this would be the time when I would break down the commercial but I literally have no words. Anyone who cannot see how rudely ethnocentric and/or racist this is needs to imagine if Volkswagen said "buy one of our cars and you'll get some zen-like calm" and everyone started talking in Asian-language accents or if they said "buy one of our cars and be gay!" and everyone started finger-snapping and saying "heyyy girl!" It's the same thing. It would be different if Cliff himself was in the commercial (there are no Jamaican people in the commercial and one black woman's head is seen in the elevator) and the people were turning into him because he's one person and not an entire group of people. Or if this were an ad for like the Jamaican tourist council or whatever. That could have actually been kinda funny. But this. Oh no. Oh No.

This video asking Jamaicans how they feel is interesting because while most don't have a problem with it (okay sure your opinion fine whateves) two points are raised: is this supposed to make people go to Jamaican and give money to the struggling nation and also if they want to use the Jamaican dialect, they should get a Jamaican to do it in the commercial! (this is a literal paraphrase from that video). Now, I should be clear that there is no love lost between Jamaica as a nation and myself. I will never go there because as a gay man, I don't want to die, but that doesn't mean I think we can just play fast and loose with the depiction of a people in a commercial that has none of those people on screen. I said I wasn't gonna break it down, and I think I did so...

Question Time: Do you think the above commercial is racist? If not, you would agree that it's in poor taste, no? Also, could someone please tell me who thought it was a good idea to have the Volkswagen return to the office late? Did someone think that was the funniest joke in the world, the people turned Jamaican and now they're late? Is this commercial also offensive to office workers? What happened to Volkswagen's history with being somewhat progressive? I blame Becky.