Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Coach, I'm Really Tense Let Me Massage That for You Mmm, That Feels Good Billy, You Have Such a Big... Coach, You're Gonna Make Me Compendium* of the 100 Best & Worst Gay Porn** Performers Working Today!

* Pun very much intended

**I don't know how seeing the words "gay porn" in any title would tell you otherwise, but this post is NSFW. It just isn't. I mean maybe if you tried to explain how you were doing research on the physical effects of lubrication on the firing action of pistons, but I don't think that or gay porn has anything to do with those TPS reports you were supposed to file 40 minutes ago. So how about you just look at this on your home computer while your wife is watching the news. And I know you're married.

Fool me once.

Hello and welcome, one and all gay pornographic video (or as I call them "personal entertainment videos") lovers out there! Step out of the shadows, wash your hands off, put on some clothes that don't repel fluids, and close your mouth because it's reading time! As we have in 2012 and last year, this is my annual list of the gay porn performers who did a good job in the past year and those who could use some improvement. This is constructive criticism.

I never put someone on the BEST or WORST list solely because I like (or don't like) the way they look. I judge these guys (and studios and trends) based on how well they translate their intention to their reality. The BEST porn performers make you forget that they are performing and use their body to create a sexual fantasy you can get lost in. The WORST performers either don't connect or connect in all the wrong ways. This list picks them apart. Cheers to the BEST. A friendly nudge to the WORST. But before we start the list, as per uuge, let's discuss how we evaluated, why we evaluated, and the state of gay porn for last year.

For the annual list, a "gay porn performer" had to be in a video produced by a relatively large-scale, known production company during the calendar year of 2013; and they had to be doing gay sex stuff in the video, so solos and cameos don't count. As I've stated before, for any person who watches enough gay porn throughout the year, there are surprisingly few places where you can objectively discuss these people you'll see on your TV or laptop screen for large chunks of time. There are some websites, but have you been to those comment sections: It's either "HE'S HOT!" or "Ugh, queen, die!" neither of which are reasoned opinions. While I take issue with A LOT of the obvious problems of the porn industry, I and millions of other people watch this stuff so let's talk about what and who we're seeing (which is more fun than rating studios, let's be real).

Okay, we're about to begin, but let's review the Year in Porn: DEATH, DRUGS, DISEASE, and JESUS. Alright, let's... No, seriously, more stars died in the past year, which is always sad and something I think needs to be addressed. Also, more performers contracted HIV in high profile cases, which is why testing and condom use needs to be discussed. And more performers found Jesus, which does not need to be discussed, but is just something I always think is funny in an interesting way. It's like that time Vanity said she found Jesus but it's like, you did "Nasty Girl": You didn't find Jesus. Jesus already knew who you were. Alright, below the jump is the full BEST and WORST list.

Feel free to chime up in the comment section and tell me what you agree with, what you disagree with, and who you'd add to your own lists.

Happy Mast...ering Your Ability to Read By Reading This List After the Jump!

Sunday, March 02, 2014

It's the 2014 Juice with Junior Oscars Live Blog!

Welcome to the 2014 Juice with Junior Oscar Live Blog! We're here with snacks and snark ready to cover the E! Pre-Show, the Oscar show, and a part (but just a small part because homeboy has to get up on time-ish tomorrow) of the E! After Show because I love you that much!

The way the live blog it works is that right under the dotted line is the most recent update so refresh your pages to get more more more every few minutes!


12:03: Well, that wasn't offensive like last year, but it was still padded and overlong and that was WITHOUT a tribute to one person like in year's past. Anyway, thank you for listening to me ramble for the show. I hope you enjoyed it and I'll see you next year... AT THE OSCARS!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

What Is Colby Melvin's Occupation Exactly? With a Bonus, How Not Answering This Question Will Destroy the World

I would like to start what I'm sure will soon become a rambling, incoherent, nonsensical blog post by stating up front that I have absolutely no problem with Colby Melvin (above) himself.

This post is not meant to deride him or insult him or even discuss him that much, well I will a little bit. Anyway, from what I've seen, Melvin seems like a wonderful young man who is very beautiful and very kind. I'm sure he'd be one of those guys I'd stare at in a club whispering "I hate him so much" all while loving every minute of him. And clearly, he is that guy because people know his name and we're talking about him right now. Okay, what is this post about, you ask. This post is about a question I asked recently on Twitter and can't get out of my head:

I repeat: What exactly is Colby Melvin's job? ANSWER ME.

Sorry, I told myself not to get combative and here I am. Okay, how about we backtrack a little and for those who have no idea who Colby Melvin is, I'll explain a little. Melvin models underwear for company Andrew Christian (probably NSFW, let's not chance it) and is very involved in gay rights issues, working with organizations and media types to get the word out (I am paraphrasing his own About Me page, which is part of the problem). Last year, Melvin appeared in a parody video of the OneDirection song "What Makes You Beautiful" called "Disclosure," which, and I will probably get this wrong, was about Republican liars basically and was propelled into gay stardom.

Which is fine. The Internet produces a new star a minute. However, Melvin is still around, and while I don't not want him to be around, there's a part of me that uncomfortable with the fact that I know his name and it may solely be because he is an attractive person. AND NOTHING ELSE.

Which is why I ask, what is his job? We're gonna break this post down into a 2-parter:


Part One: What the F Is Wrong With Me?

I am not an attractive person. That is just true like the sea, the sky, and the wind. Because of this, I've always made money, earned my keep, by using my brain and a little bit of brawn, but mostly all brain.

Thus, I've always been uncomfortable around people who can get by and thrive on the fact that they're attractive. It weirds me out. This little voice inside my head is always telling me, shouldn't you have to DO something? This is why when I see people become notable for basically looking like and existing, I kinda can't handle it. YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. Right?

Now, I don't begrudge people who are able to pay their way by the way that they look. I actually feel like kind of cheated that no one told me the option existed. Listen, I may not be attractive, but there was a week when I was 22 years old, when I had been working out for like a year and I only wore slutty shirts, that I was borderline attractive. Like under certain lights, with enough shadow and filters, you could stand near me (but not too near) and say "Wow, he's really attractive." If someone had told me, "Hey Junior, you need to find a photographer, take your clothes off, do some videos and you could be famous and have your rent paid." I would have jumped on that ship like Rose jumping off the Titanic into a life raft.

I am all for turning my (then) good looks into a commodity. But now, as I get older, and I not only realize that I feel like attractiveness is this dangerous thing that people (myself included) covet too much and it's all bringing us down, I realized also that I'm not borderline attractive anymore. So the moment passed. Doing something surpassed looking like something as my way of surviving.

Some of you might say: Well, he's a model. True-ish. I mean he models for Andrew Christian, but he's not in the Fashion Model Directory and even his About Me never really mentions that this is a modeling CAREER. I would say that yes, he models, but he's not a model. He's more of a very attractive person paid for their attractiveness.

Some of you might add: Well, Kim Kardashian is paid for her attractiveness. I would reply that she's also on TV shows, pitches products, and has a store called DASH that no one has ever seen and no one ever goes. Well, what about Ronnie Kroell? Television. Well, what about Chris Kluwe? Football.

Well, what about Playboy models? They're just paid to take their clothes off too. True, but at least they're in a magazine. Some kind of mass produced entertainment that's not modeling sometimes for an underwear line. WHICH ISN'T TO SAY THAT THAT ISN'T DIFFICULT! I imagine it must be very difficult to get your body into that kind of shape to be photographed and then the actual shoot itself where you're cold and you have to pose and smile... It must be THE WORST. But I still feel like it in an of itself is not a job. I sorries.


Part Two: What the F Is Wrong With You?

While there is a part of me that feels stupid for even talking about this and not just feeling like "He's hot. Listen to what he has to say! He's hot!" There's another part of me that feels like why don't you all agree with me?! Underwear model/activist full stop SHOULD NOT BE a reason to get your face into other people's faces. Getting your face into other people's faces should come because you did SOMETHING: You modeled day in and out, you acted in movies and on TV, you had an opinion or a book or a history or a story that made you SOMETHING! My entire foundation on the reason why celebrities, noted notables, whatever you want to call them is based on this concept.

HOWEVER (this post has been very CAPS heavy). I don't think that Melvin shouldn't be in the public eye. His story is actually fascinating. Apparently (again all gleaned from a very enlightening About Me page), Mr. Melvin used to work in the oil and gas industry and had to face discrimination and prejudice after it was discovered that he was gay. The problem I have with society is that I didn't know any of this until I did my research! The only thing I ever heard from people was "He's hot."

I have this fear that in the probably nearer than you think future, all hot people will be revered like gods and us uggos will live in camps in barren areas of the world. Or basically The Hunger Games. When it comes to people like Melvin, I can already see that happening. Instead, I would love if yes, we appreciated Melvin's hotness, but also he wasn't just an attractive shell, but someone who was able to DO given his history and what is compelling about him.

I'm also positive I made no sense. But thanks for reading, thanks to Mr. Melvin for letting me use him as an example, and thanks for everyone for not just loving me for my looks but because I contribute!

What was that? You weren't loving me for my looks?

Can you just let me fantasize that was true? Please!

Originally published May 20, 2013.