I enjoy watching television. I watch way too much of it.
I should be off having a life or being productive or, um, helping people. Instead, I choose to grab a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos out of my Cool Ranch Dorito dispenser... Gotcha! I don't have a Cool Ranch Dorito dispenser because if I did, I'd truly never leave my house... But I grab a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, park my fat bootaytay in front of the box and choose to live vicariously through it. My latest TV obsession is a little show on HGTV called "House Hunters"...
You've prolly seen it, but if you haven't, I'll explain. "House Hunters" is a show where a person or a couple or family, it doesn't matter, looks at three houses or condos, the show describes everything about the properties including taking viewers on a little tour, and by the end of the show the people pick which house they want to buy.
Every once in awhile, the show will do a fake-out where the person DOESN'T buy a house at the end, but such instances are rare. It's a pretty simple concept, but I have been glued to my TV every time it, or its companion "International," olé, show come on because it's the perfect show for me. I get to exacerbate the bedsores probably slowly growing on my a$$ while the show takes me around the country and the world and lets me into homes I would have otherwise never have had access to! I love it! I love seeing all the different places of the world, learning about what areas are nice, and learning how prices differ depending on where you are.
For those unfamiliar, I've included an episode above (Canadian viewers can click here to watch a clip from an episode.) However, there is a problem I encounter almost every single time I watch "House Hunters"... I can't stand the people looking at the homes! I believe that when you're buying a home, it is impossible to look sympathetic because these people on this show are some of the most annoying people on the face of the earth. They love to complain! They never heard a complaint they didn't like! This bedroom is too small, we wouldn't be able to get our furniture in here. I thought this unit came with a pool. I don't like the tile in this kitchen. I don't like being so far the city here...
Whine! Whine! Whine!
The thing I hate the most is when people whine about sh!t they can easily change when they buy the property. There was one episode where this girl complained about not liking the carpet in a house the whole time! The poor real estate agent had to keep reminding the girl that carpets can be easily changed, but she kept harping on it. I wanted to jump through the TV and shake some sense into her! And you're getting an idea of what the other problem I have with this show...
I get into it. I scream back at the TV. I just get so frustrated at some of these dumb dumbs that I have to let it out or I'll explode and I have to watch an episode of "Law and Order: SVU" to calm down. And my screams usually have nothing to do with which house gets chosen at the end of the episode. Normally, it's about what stupid thing these people are doing on the TV in front of me. Because I figured I couldn't be the only person yelling at the TV during this show, I thought I'd share some things I have actually screamed at the TV while watching.
See if you can recognize yourself in my crazy:
I have yelled...
-- "I have to leave New York! Homes cost so much less like everywhere else!"
-- "Your real estate agent hates you!"
-- "What do you mean it's not close enough to the beach! From the looks of you two, a little walk to the beach would do a world of good!"
-- "Okay, you're not gonna get four bedrooms and an attached garage for $200,000! Be realistic, people!"
-- "Hey lady, your husband's hot! Where are you guys moving to again!"
-- "No, you don't need more space! You want more space! My grandmother raised nine children in a one-bedroom in the South Bronx! You want more space! The house you have is big enough for a family, greedy guts!"
-- "There's nothing wrong with that kitchen! Stainless steel appliances will not hold you in the middle of the night! Also, they do in fact stain, contrary to what you might think!"
-- "I'm convinced women like granite kitchen countertops so much because when their husbands fall asleep, they rub their vajays all over them... Okay, then, why else would they all want granite so much!" (This was less a scream and more of an inner dialogue.)
-- "This house is ugly. For shame, real estate agent! ... For shame!"
-- "For the last time, you can replace the carpet! Stop f#cking complaining about the carpet!"
-- "White people will literally move anywhere."
-- "What's the problem?! The house costs $125,000! Buy it already! Do you people realize that there are some parking spaces in Manhattan that cost more than the entire house you're waffling about?!"
-- "Are all real estate agent incredibly hot, or is it just you?!"
-- "No! Open! Floor! Plans! Ever!"
-- "I want a washer/dryer in my apartment! Why do I have to go all the way downstairs!"
-- "Why is a hot tub a selling point? I don't want to wade around in the previous owner's bodily fluids. Eww." (Again, less a scream. More an observation.)
-- "A pool is not a safety hazard. Parents who refuse to be bothered to teach their children pool safety is a safety hazard!"
-- "No! The house is a foreclosure! Don't you know the past owners are gonna come back and kill you in your sleep! Run for your lives!" (p.s. why hasn't someone made this concept into a horror movie yet?)
-- "Again, for the last time, wall colors can be changed! Ooh boy, you're looking like you don't like what you see, why don't you come over here and put some paint up on it!"
-- "I like this house!"
-- "I love when people say they need more space for their growing family, when what they mean is that they need more space to get away from their growing family..." (Another observation, I guess.)
-- "Stop saying you want an Old-World European apartment and complain about the bathroom drain being in the middle of the room! That's European! What you really want is an American apartment in Europe!"
-- "Okay, you know and I know that this person cannot afford this house so why are you showing it to them real estate agent! ... For shame!"
-- "At this point, I don't give a sh!t what house you choose!"
-- "The only way I'd live in a ground-floor apartment is if I was in a Hazmat suit! Bugs need to do absolutely no work to get inside!"
-- "Condo Number 2! Condo Number 2! Condo Number 2! Condo... Oh, you chose Condo Number 1. ... F#ck you!"
-- "I can smell that house through the TV and the aroma, well, it's not pleasant."
-- "I could never move to the islands! Those houses all have sliding glass doors! How's a sliding glass door supposed to stop someone from stealing my sh!t in the middle of the night! Security please!"
-- "I really like this house!"
-- "Seriously, you people are getting on my last nerve! You want all this stuff! Your budget is like $100,000. The agent has actually found you three homes in your price range that are surprisingly nice. Pick a muthaf#cking house! And no you can't have a pool! Pick a house!"
Now, I'd love to know, have you seen "House Hunters" and if so, what have you yelled at the screen while watching?
I know you yelled something. We all do!
Originally posted May 7, 2010.