Juice with Junior

So one of my besties and I have decided that I am both in heat and have baby fever. We know I'm in heat because of this and this, and we guessed I have baby fever because I picked up her kitten the other day, cradled it in my arms, and would not let it go. Like I was "Not Without My Daughter" serious about it, and I don't even like cats that much. But it was just so cuuuuute and see, I clearly have baby fever. These are not the sounds of my usual ramblings.

That's why while I was watching "Days of Our Lives" on the DVR last night, the LAST THING I needed to see was this (above). I have discussed my distaste for Huggies commercials in the past, however, this one literally made my imaginary ovaries ache so bad I had to take an imaginary Midol. I think that sentence does two things: first, it shows how bad my being in heat and baby fever is, and second, it illustrates that I have no idea how the female reproductive system works. Can ovaries ache? Yes? No? We'll go with maybe because I remember seeing something on "Mystery Diagnosis" once. Anyway, a bunch of dudes sitting in a room cradling babies. I'm so done.

I don't even really want to have kids. I mean I may want to adopt a baby at some point, but it'd be for a joke like when Edina was going to adopt a Romanian baby just to make Saffy annoyed on "Absolutely Fabulous." Yes, I just used "AbFab" as my rationale for why I shall one day adopt a baby. Put the phone down. I haven't adopted one yet, and when I do, you can't stop me (prolly you can).

Anyway, the whole thing is adorbs but this really got me:


All I have to say is the moment that baby goes down for a nap, this dad can get it, and by "get it," I mean "get in me," and by "get in me" I mean fill me until he hits my imaginary ovaries.

Good lord, I'm clearly still in heat. I gonna go get an ice cube to rub on my face.

Question Time: Are you in heat/have baby fever? Are you attracted to the sight of a DILF with an adorable little baby? Do you agree with people who have said that this commercial paints dads in a poor light? Aren't you glad that at least Huggies didn't show them trying to toss the babies like footballs while drinking from helmets with beer cans attached to them? Don't you miss it now that they stopped showing "The Potty Dance" every five minutes?

I am so sorry. I had this sitting in my queue waiting to be finished and posted at least a month ago and I got all sidetracked by my love of the personal entertainment video that I forgot to post this the moment I saw it. You may be like "Junior, it's fine. I don't even know what you're talking about." But I promise, that when you do finish the post, you'll quickly change your tune to "B!tch, we should have known about this IMMEDIATELY after you saw it! How dare you keep this from us?!"

Okay, just let me catch my breath for a hot second. [Pause] Okay. So every once in awhile, I like to watch Telemundo because I have to keep up with what my Spanish-language peeps are up to and because everything is better in Spanish. I don't even watch it with the English subtitles because A) Yo entiendo the Espanol un poco and B) I'm a bada$$ who prefers to only understand every fourth word.

Anyway, I was watching recently when "Una Maid en Manhattan" (poster left) came on. I know.

It's a redo of the movie with nearly the same name except it's 100 times better than the movie because it has nothing to do with Jennifer Lopez. Also, side note, much love Natasha Richardson. Also, double side note: Why didn't anyone tell me Telemundo has a "Grey's Anatomy" redo called "A Corazón Abierto" (already better than the original) that is as unbelievable as it is ridiculous? Seriously, people, I can't do everything. Anyway, back to "Una Maid en Manhattan," which triple side note, could have a jazzier title like "Una Mujer Fatal Limpia Todo Manhattan para la Corazón de un Hombre Sexy y Triste." Sorry, back to "Una Maid en Manhattan," so I was watching last month and enjoying myself when my Zebra Cake nearly fell out of my mouth at the sight of what I am about to show you. Roll the tape (pay attention at 0:15 on).

Jesus, that man is PALE! He's like TRANSLUCENT! You could put a sheet of loose-leaf up to his skin and not tell when the paper ends and his skin begins!

I never knew of him before this moment but my loins now ache for his melanin-deprived skin every minute of every day. I will also stop by CVS and pick him up some SPF 1,346 because seriously. Okay, you guys know I have a thing for pale men. But no one ever told me that I could get my pale in the form of a muscle-bound, six-foot something (I don't actually know this but I'm assuming) Mexican actor slash model. I've been roaming the Irish countrysides when I could've flown down to Mexico (except not really) and picked this guy up along with a bejeweled sombrero because one cannot leave Mexico without a bejeweled sombrero (a poncho or cowboy boots would also suffice).

Natch I have specifics for you.

His name is Eugenio Siller (right). As I said, he's a former model now actor. He also sings (I was wearing panties and now I don't know where they went). And this is his website which is capable of causing pregnancy in both men and women. It's a fact.

He also is very pale. He is by far the palest Mexican person I have ever seen. Not that I think all Mexican people have dark skin but let's be real, even in Mexico, you know some people are all like "Damn, have you tried some self-tanner maybe because wow." Question Time: how much do you want this man to live inside you right now? Okay, everyone put your hands down.

New question: Have you ever watched "Maid" or Telemundo? What do you think of Pale Eugenio over here? He's supposed to be playing the part Ralph Fiennes played in the movie although I'm pretty sure that despite Fiennes also being very good looking, he is two shades darker than Eugenio.

F it. Where do they film this show? I'm going.

* Pun very much intended

** So I'm hoping that the words "gay porn" will alert you to the fact that this post is NSFW. It's also NSFC (Not Safe for Church), NSFB (Not Safe for Brunch), and NSFP (Not Safe for Picnics). Coincidentally, it is SFS (Safe for Starbucks) because everyone looks at porn while sitting in Starbucks. Don't believe me? Huhhh, just march your naive little self down to a Starbucks and peep at what's happening on all those laptop and iPad screens. Exactly.

*** Okay, a little video

Hello everyone! Welcome to the 2012 Juice with Junior Compendium of the Best and Worst Gay Porn Performers working today!

It's called the "2012 Compendium" because gay porn is ever changing. This list could be completely different this time next year. A whole new set of gentlemen could be honored with... Okay, listen, basically it's just a list of guys I like and guys I don't like but I wanted to gussy it up a little so work with me. Alright, in this post, I will present those gentlemen who I think are really doing a great job working in the fine art field of gay pornographic film (heretofore know as "personal entertainment video"), and those gentlemen who should maybe think about getting their personal training licenses (do you even need a license to be a personal trainer?) and then should hang up their a$$less chaps because they are not excelling at their chosen career field.

Before we get to the list, let me tell you a little bit about how I came to judge these men and what prompted me to create the compendium in the first place. Firstly, in order to be included on this list, you had a be a gentleman who has performed in a personal entertainment video sometime in the past few years. This list isn't about the legends, it's about currently working performers.

Secondly, we are only talking about performers for the big porn companies. I selected numerous companies (some were divisions within companies, like Raging Stallion who has like 80 different brands) as the biggest and chose from their performer rosters.

Listen, if I didn't do this, any uninhibited guy with an oversize peen and a web cam could be eligible, and I don't have time to watch all those videos to see who should make it on the list. At some point in time, I have to do laundry. Subsequently, I rated their performances in scenes featuring standard sexual encounters (no fetish stuff for me k thx) and they had to use condoms in the majority of their work (because I mean come on, let's play safe people). Lastly, they had to be in gay films meaning films with some man-on-man contact. Solo videos, like muscle worship, etc., didn't count.

Once all these criteria were met, if I thought they were good, they got on the BEST list. Also, if I thought they were bad, they were deigned to the WORST list. It's pretty simple. I decided to put this list together because I do enjoy personal entertainment videos as I've said in the past. Look, for a single gay man... look, I just enjoy them, OK? But when watching a video, I would often find myself wanting to tell someone "Isn't so and so just great? Or doesn't so and so look half asleep?"


Now I've created a platform to do just that! Lastly, one of my dear friends, James, has recently been interviewing Cockyboys' gay porn stars for his bitingly funny blog, What the World Does Not Need (Bookmarks, activate!). I urge you to go to his site WHEN YOU ARE AT HOME and read ALL his interviews because they are very interesting. When comparing a lot of the answers the porn stars give to James' questions, you quickly realize that for many of these guys, giving the best "performance" -- being able to turn you on and really create a believable, engrossing sexual scene -- is really important to them. To some, it's not and we'll get to those men. But for most, they really want to do a good job (to make more money natch). So just like any job, shouldn't they have a performance review? Well consider this it! I think that was enough foreplay.

After the jump, THE LIST!

I've said this before but I think it bears repeating: if I can't find happiness myself, I will obtain it through helping others avoid the same fate as me. As such, I believe it is my duty to help out my gay male brethren who have uploaded a picture and a paragraph online in the hopes of finding someone compatible for good times.

See, I have been amping up my efforts in the dating department because I only have like 8 months before I turn 30, which as you know, is when all this shuts down for good. Thus, I need to get on it if I want to be a relatively healthy relationship by the deadline. I've joined a few dating websites in hopes of meeting matches for coffee, dating, getting married, and filling me with your babies.

I'm doing other things to help me in my search for someone (anyone) descent enough to get the Junior Boyfriend Seal of Approval (it's an actual seal on a wooden plaque that's actually quite beautiful), and I'm gonna have to because online dating is proving to be just as annoying and worrisome as it was the last time I did it. Which is a problem. Studies have shown that a majority of gay people find partners online, which means that if I can't get good at this, I'm dropping my chances down considerably. Why am I not good at this? Well I'll give you an analogy.

Let's say you have a math test in geometry tomorrow night. You stay up all night with your geometry text book on your lap learning everything you can about geometry so that when you go to take the text, you feel like you have a pretty good grasp on geometry. Then you sit down in class and the teacher hands you your test and the heading at the top says "Algebra." Exactly. To parallel, no matter how many men whose profiles or messages say one thing, they are almost always NOT that thing.

They have lied, children. LIED.

These lies make it really difficult to navigate your way to someone because you are constantly chasing red herrings. But never fear. If any of you out there feel the same way I do, then this post is for you because I have gathered the most common lies gay men tell you when online dating and how you should react to them to help you sift through all the BS and find that someone you really want to find. Now, these lies (in italics) are REAL things gay men have said in their profiles so let's begin...


"I'm looking for a relationship that is uncomplicated because of honesty, where we can build heaven-blessed joy rather than ephemeral pleasure."

This is real, people. This person exists. I'll let Liz Lemon express my feelings.

"I find intelligence sexy."

No you don't, because if you did you would literally be f*cking half of Manhattan. I'd bet you a million dollars that to you, intelligence looks like this.


"Currently, I work as a visual merchandiser..."

I work in retail. In the stockroom. Maybe.


"I like to think that I can get along with pretty much anyone. I enjoy listening to what other people have to say and learning from their experiences."

So I read this and scrolled down when the dating site told me that this user "[Replies selectively]".



"I'm not looking for Mr. Right Now, I'm looking for Mr. Right, so quite frankly, casual dating is not on my agenda."

Can someone, anyone, explain to me how this makes any sense?


"I'm not really like most of the gay men I've met."

Yes you are. No... you are. Bub bub buuh, you are. Trust me. You are.


"I'm a masculine guy seeking the same ... My favorite movies are 'The Devil Wears Prada'..."

You're "masculine" and your favorite movie is... Because I asked my "masculine" friend Todd what "The Devil Wears Prada" is and his answer, and this is his verbatim quote, his answer was "The f*ck should I know. Is that clothes?" He said is that clothes. Is. That. Clothes.

So you want to come at me with your masculinity one more time?


"I don't wear my sexuality on my sleeve."

Is someone asking you to wear your sexuality on your sleeve, like a patch or silk screened decal or something? Side note: this is the same guy as above. He had A LOT of issues with what was his perceived notion that all gay men are incredibly feminine. Run don't walk gentlemen.


"I'm not really sure how to describe myself in one paragraph."

This sentence was followed up with A PARAGRAPH THAT DESCRIBED HIMSELF.


"Message me. Especially if you're Ryan Gosling!"

What he means is "only if you're Ryan Gosling," seriously this bunghole will most likely reject anyone who isn't Ryan Gosling. Maybe even Ryan Gosling himself.



"I'm not really into playing games or ego trips. Unless they're mine."

The only reason I like this guy is because he at least admitted the lie in the next sentence.


"I'm a simple guy just looking to meet a good fella for friendship or more. Actually, friendship is overrated."

From the same guy. I'm starting to think that he's already read this post before I finished writing it.


"I hope ur okay that not everyone in my life knows I'm gay ... I wrote my thesis on animated movie musicals."

I can't even begin...



"I am an actor ... I graduated from drama school last year ... Right now, I'm working as a freelance writer."

This one kind of writes itself, doesn't it? Or maybe he writes it. Since it's his actual job.


"I enjoy dinner, a walk along the beach, and a kiss under the stars"

How would you know that WHEN WE BOTH KNOW THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO YOU?! How do I know that that's never happened to you? Because IT'S NEVER HAPPENED TO ANYONE. I have never had a friend come back to me all "I went on a date last night." "Oh really, how was it?" "Well, we had dinner, then had a walk along the beach, and then, under the stars, we kissed!"

That's enough "Nights in Rodanthe" for you, sir.


"I'm good at a great many things, bragging not being one of them."

My head. Meet wall.



"I created this profile out of curiosity."

Then why did you put your picture on it and a list of your favorite things including your cat. Enough. You're here for the same reason everyone else is. Sit down.


"I have been told that my first impression is not the best, but if you give it time, I know you'll love me."

I like this because he's basically tempering any expectations before a relationship starts because he knows how much of a walking disaster he actually is. And you will not love him after some time. He's gonna be the exact same person he was when you first met him. The exact same.


"I am a 100% relationship oriented guy."

Is that why you forgot to wear your shirt on your profile? That must be it.



I guess the other goal I'm trying to get at with this post is gay men, we have to start being REAL with each other on the forum we majorly use to find each other for sex and romance. ENOUGH WITH THE LIES! If you only date men with six-packs, say it. If you want sex now and relationship later, say it! If you only date white men, say it! If you're married, say it! Just be HONEST.

It'll help us all in the long run because we'll all get what we want and we won't have to hear some lameo talk about heaven-blessed joy or ephemeral pleasures. And no one wants that, right?

Question Time: Have you ever online dated? If you have or if you are, what are some of the most ridiculous things you've ever read in people's profiles or had them message to you? Has anything ever made you want to excommunicate yourself from society, it was so stupid? How would you respond to what these guys have said?

I am happy to report that my friend Todd has a girlfriend. Yes, no more wondering about the size of his penis for me, because he now has someone new to share his life junk with and also, I am no longer staying at his house thereby putting myself in proximity with his life junk.

It's a win win.

The girl he's dating, whom we'll call Emily, is nice. I don't not like being around her. She can get a little flighty, and she does this thing where when she, Todd, myself, and other people are chatting in a semi-circle, she'll whisper something so only Todd can hear except we all know she said something and we'd kind of like to know what it is so we ask and she'll all "Nothing. Tee hee. OMG. Nothing. Tee. Hee." It's a little annoying.

The one thing the girl does know is her way around Manhattan (or maybe she knows her way around two things, she does have a boyfriend after all!), and she invited us all out to eat at a fancy restaurant for Restaurant Week, which is when fancy restaurants in New York City allow less thans to eat at their establishments for reduced rates (not really "reduced" as I still plunked down 60 bucks for a dining experience I'd call "meh"). Thank you, Emily.

So in preparation for an evening out on the town, I decided to upscale my look a little bit. I paired a high-necked black and white cable knit sweater with deep dark washed boot cut jeans, my chocolate colored Rockports, a chunky silver ring, and my beloved Member's Only jacket. I spent 30 minutes taming my unibrow, brushed with my Plus White, and was on my way.

When I got to the restaurant, Todd was wearing a t-shirt. Oh to not care.

Emily arrived with her friend Stephanie, who was at first a little curious as to why I was there, but then when I cracked a joke about how much I love the male body, she realized that she had in fact not be set up on a date by her coupled friends. She looked so relieved.

Anyway, we all sat down for dinner (I swear this story is going somewhere, even I am currently amazed at my ability to talk so much) and were talking about our mutual friends. But because Stephanie had never met any of the people we were talking about, we had to describe each person to her. Eventually, we spiraled around to Andrew, whom people who care about the stuff I do online and follow my Twitter feed will know is the straight man whom I'm most in love with right now. (There are others.)

He moved me into my apartment, made me a mix CD, drove me to IKEA, is flawless, and whom I refer to as "The Hotness". None of this is a problem. The problem was that we were in a deadlock over how to describe Andrew to Stephanie (who would make a cute couple, which is why they can never meet!) Emily, her flighty personality on fire, kept insisting that Andrew is a frat boy. Like I would ever want to have babies with a frat boy? Who does this girl think I am? Todd smartly reasoned that just because Andrew was in a frat does not make him a "frat boy."

Regardless of his momentary mental breakthrough, Todd couldn't come up with a better way to describe Andrew either. As he is a man I've spent countless hours daydreaming about and picking apart every aspect of his personality for proof that his sh!t literally doesn't stink, I knew exactly what Andrew was: a hipster. So I said it. "Andrew's not a frat boy," dismissive face in Emily's direction. "He's a hipster. There's a big difference."

Todd then says, "Yeah, that's right. Andrew's a hipster, like Junior."

Come now, say what?

"I'm not a hipster." I surprise myself with how quickly and forcefully I deny the label. It was as if someone tried to put a shirt from Abercrombie on my body and I chucked that sh!t to the ground all "I don't wear Abercrombie, b!tch!" I suddenly feel the need to make sure that Todd knows that I'm not a hipster so I say it again. "I'm not a hipster."

"Yes, you are," he laughs.

"No, I'm not."

"Um, yes you are."

"How am I a 'hipster'?"

I am actually saying the word "hipster" with open derision despite the fact that we just proved that Andrew, my betrothed, is a hipster. For some reason, it is OK for him to have this label but not me.


Whenever Todd discovers something about me that makes me uncomfortable, he likes to pick at it to rile me up because there is nothing he thinks is funnier. That's what he's doing. "How are you a 'hipster'?" Todd asks surprised that I'm asking. "I mean, look at you right now! You look so... trendy."

He says "trendy" the same way that I'm saying "hipster," except when these words are directed at me, I don't like them so much. I should also add that I'm having this conversation in my Ray Ban glasses but I don't own them because I'm a hipster, I really need glasses and... Wait, I see it now. Oh damn.

Todd might be right.

Ever since this encounter at the restaurant, I've been asking myself two questions: Am I a hipster? and Why did I reject the label so vehemently when it's very possible that I am a hipster? Let's make like a sexually confused 14-year-old boy, join the wrestling team, and pin this problem on the mat.

Hipsters are not new. Nor do they only exist in Brooklyn or the Lower East Side.

They come from all places in all countries. Basically, a "hipster" is any person who participates in the style, entertainment, and behavioral commonalities of people who are a part of but don't want to join, and openly deride, mainstream society.

Thus, sarcasm toward the mainstream is very prevalent, as is the adoption of items that are considered regular by mainstream standards becoming mythic to hipsters: Ray Bans, mustaches, bow ties, old TV shows. The last part of the hipster definition is embracing anything that is new because it has not reached the mainstream. The newest movie, band, store, place, blog, meme is coveted until it is sullied by too many people knowing about it, hence becoming a part of the mainstream. Why do I have such a problem associating myself with this label? I'm a gay, black man. I'm definitely marginalized outside of mainstream society, but no, I don't like it. Why? Before that, we have to do something basic, we have to figure out if I'm actually a hipster or not. Let's see. We already covered the Ray Bans (p.s. I'm getting my eyes reexamined and getting new glasses soon so this will be off the list). I do love LCD Soundsystem.

What else? I do emit copious amounts of snarkery on my blog (two in one sentence!) I have said the sentence "Sometimes I think about just moving to Paris. Just giving up everything and doing it, you know?" I wear Converses. I think every car should be a hybrid. I love me a plaid shirt. I mentioned IKEA. I would gladly move to Brooklyn or Austin or Seattle if I had more money. That's another one, I don't have any money. I spend most weekends in the East Village or the West Village. I watch "Portlandia." I write depressing fiction. Um, I'm never satisfied with anyone or anything. I mentioned the Member's Only jacket. I love Sufjan Stevens inappropriately. I used to love "30 Rock," but now I'm obsessed with "Parks & Rec." I call it "Parks & Rec." I never remember the name of the restaurant I just ate at and to me the middle of the country is where cows live... and people go to die.

This is some pretty damning evidence if I do say so myself. However, I refuse to call myself a hipster. Firstly because you can't call yourself a hipster. The whole point of hipsterdom is that you like don't care about anything really so if I was an actual hipster I'd never say so, because I'm bored. Secondly, I refuse this label because I honestly don't think it's true.

Again, I have two reasons. First, I don't think I'm cool enough by any stretch of the imagination. When I think about the hipster, I think about the Beat Generation, your Allen Ginsbergs and Jack Kerouacs of the 1950s. Those thin men who smoked cigarettes and wore little hats and could spend hours talking about The Man and who sucked up all the cool and didn't leave any left for future generations. I am so not that. I am RIDICULOUSLY goofy. I couldn't pull off cool if you poured it over my head slowly like the honey in that cover of that album by the Ohio Players. I can fake cool if necessary, but after an hour or two, the cracks will start to buckle and the goofy will rise to the surface. It's hard to be effortlessly cool when you're sucking in your stomach, arching your back, trying to speak two octaves lower than your natural speaking voice, and look disinterested all at the same time. Eventually, I will bust my a$$ while trying to model walk down 7th Avenue and everyone will see how not cool I really am.

The second reason I don't think I'm a hipster answers the question of why I reacted so negatively to the label in the first place. The anti-mainstream is now so mainstream that it's pushing people like me (dark, gay, poor, those who don't care that much) to the fringes. I can't accept that. Most annoyingly, because of the hipster desire for all things new, there is a constant competition to find the latest thing, like the latest indie movie, support the latest cause.

I'll give you an example. So Andrew and I have been doing this thing where we'll recommend music to each other because we have the same hipsterish tastes. He'll send me a link to some band I've never heard of who's playing music in Williamsburg using dental floss and garbage can lids ("They are gonna be big in five years!" he'll say), and I'll send Andrew an indie band that I like. However, he never seems to respond about my band choices. On this last go-around, I asked him -- about a band I thought NO ONE knew about because I practically made them up -- if he knew them or liked the music.

This is a paraphrase of what he said: "Oh yeah, I saw them two years ago at Coachella, and then last year at Bonnaroo. I really liked them until their album came out and I bought it on vinyl and Pitchfork gave them a rave, but then Stereogum said it was derivative and their last show at SXSW was a disaster because they were sponsored by MTV2. Ew. So now I put them in the same pile as Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and Cold War Kids." It's a loose paraphrase, but you get the gist.

I can't. I love him, but I can't. I have a life, hipsters. I have to eat food (not Irish-Pakistani fusion that gonna be big in two years), and go to work, and live a life. I can't constantly shuffle from hot trend to trend making sure I'm ahead of the curve. When I said I liked LCD Soundsystem, what I failed to mention was that I started liking them last year. I know. So not trendy.

So I'm disagreeing with Todd. I am NOT a hipster. Unless, you disagree with me in which case I'll hear your argument. I guess this means Question Time:

Do you think I'm a hipster? Are you a hipster? Are there any things you like about our current hipster culture? Style? Music? TV? Dislikes? How are we going to explain to future generations why we were dressing in 2012 like it was 1956, 1976, and 1996 at the same time? Should I say "hipster" again?

Hipster. There I said it.