Juice with Junior

Alright, I just have a quick question. I just watched an episode of "Seinfeld" from 1994 (not the episode in the clip above, I just love that scene) and wanted to know: how much longer do you think "Seinfeld" will stay in syndication?

Do you know of any show where they are still showing 15-year-old and older episodes four times a day?! I seriously have watched not only every episode once, but I'm pretty sure I've watched every episode multiple times. Just to check to see if the show was being overexposed, I looked it up and it's still pulling in almost 4 million viewers per airing from Monday through Friday and it's by far the oldest show in syndication!

Isn't that crazy!?

That's why I'm taking bets. How long do you think the show will be on? Do you think we'll see the day when you won't be able to find "Seinfeld" sometime on the air? What are you fave moments from the show?

In 1983, Disney released an album of music entitled "Mickey Mouse's Splashdance," with one song on that album named "Digital Duck," which chronicled the character of Donald Duck and his love of electronics. I would like to take a moment to quote the beginning of that song...

"Gizmos and gadgets/Electric devices/A microwave blender that cuts, chops, and dices/Chocolate detectors/Alarms that go "BOOM!"/Donald has dozens in every room/He's a di-di-di-di-digital duck (That's me!)/A di-di-di-di-digital duck (oh boy, oh boy!)/Donald loves his gadgets even though they run amok/He's a di-di-di-di-digital duck"

...So poignant, so true. Now, who knew that nearly 21 years later, the words in that song would come to describe the very person who still has the song on his iPod and who listens to it every so often... me. Yes, I am a Digital Duck.

A di-di-di-di-digital duck.

You have to understand that I LOVE electronics. The more crap they can do at the same time the better. The thicker the instruction monual, the happier I am.

Sure I care about whether it improves my life, but can it light up and make noises while it does that because flashing lights and noises are cool.

I love me some gadgets. Which is why I have to pat myself on the back because people, I haven't purchased a single electronic device in more than 3 years! THREE YEARS!

Instead I devoted that money to more worthy causes like fixing the car that still hates me. And trust me, there have been plenty of little blinking boxes that I have wanted to add to my blinking boxes collection, which brings us to today's missive about all the electronics that I want, but can't yet just pick up and purchase at will. I mean I could, but then I'd be the old lady that lived in her iPod Touch (right), which is crazy because you can't live in an iPod Touch!

Do you see the distinction?

Plus, I figure that if I just make a list of all the junk I want now, some rich, devastatingly handsome 6'2" 195-pound sugar daddy will stumble onto the blog, fall madly in love with my profile picture, track me down, sweep me into his arms and say "Do you want those things, Junior? Will having those things make you happy? Well, damnit Junior, those things you shall have!" And he will gently lay me down on the Egyptian cotton sheets covering his bed in his Manhattan penthouse apartment where we will make love... *Cough* Sorry, that took a turn, didn't it?

Let's ignore that and focus on my wish list...


Now the first thing on my list you see me clutching onto like a madman at the very top of the post and above is the HP TouchSmart IQ800t All in One PC. Isn't it pretty? It has touchscreen (!) 25" display, 4 gigs of memory, 500 gigs of hard drive space which will be perfect for storing my Internet porn personal entertainment videos, and you can even hook it up to your cable line and use it as your TV! And it has Minesweeper! MINESWEEPER, y'all! Squee!

There's one at my local Staples and in my excitement, I managed to detach the security tag and send an ear-piercing alarm through the entire store.

The 23-year-old store manager Cutie McCute Cute (real name=Gary) had to replug it and remind me not to get physical with the merch. Look at it! How could you not?! You may be thinking "Junior, just buy the darned thing and shut your trap about it" and I would, there's just one thing in my way...


Riiiight. But they do offer financing, which means I could pay some now and continue... for the rest of my life. Not an option I can presently entertain.

But what's this! Development!


It's the HP Mini 1000 XP Edition Laptop (above)!

At a reasonably affordable price! But before you think I've traded in my touchscreen PC dreams for a Mini Laptop, you have to know that I really want both of them. See, I have this vision of me meandering through the West Village, sipping a green tea, when a thought comes to me, perhaps another Shirtless Jones sequel, when I take out my Mini Laptop sit on a park bench and write 'til my heart's content.

Did I mention I'm wearing a scarf in this dream of mine? And a monocle.

Yes, I know. I'll never actually do this, and my fantasy says nothing of the me spilling my tea on the laptop/getting mugged/never remembering to charge it for my day out or any of the other numerous things that will most likely go wrong, but I still want it so much. Because it's little. And how great would it be to watch personal entertainment videos on it while in bed? Wow, I need a boyfriend.

Moving on.

Alright, we all know that my love of the iPod Touch has not waned. I still want the thing desperately, but will not pay $500 (!) for 32 gigs. No way no how! But there's something else small that I really want and it surprises me...


The Nintendo DS (above)! I know, I'm just as surprised as you.

I never play video games anymore. The last time I played a video game seriously was when I had put the quarters in the telescope to see the code written on the side of the house in Maniac Mansion (does anyone get/remember that reference?) so you can better believe that when I played my bestie's DS for three hours that I was hooked!

I was playing some game where you try to find as many words as possible from a group of letters and I was whipping that stylus around like nobody's business. Now out of all my items on my incredibly implausible list, I think I'll actually get this one the soonest. My bestie even offered to buy me my first game (so I'll stop playing hers)! I found it at Target for mad cheap so I may be making a purchase soon...

Now there are some more things I'd like to have since we're making a list an all. I'd love a white Mac Book because they're so sleek and stylish. Yes, another computer! What can I say? I have a lot of personal entertainment videos!

I would also love a digital SLR camera. I used one when I was a photographer for my college paper (my first professional newspaper job didn't trust me the big equipment) and I think it's evident that I stop taking all my pictures with my cell phone camera, although it is clearly so good... NOT! But I was recently in my Staples and saw a...

Sony MHS-CM1 Webbie HD Camcorder (below)!!!!


For 179! Holy crap guys I'm soooo buying this!!! Do you understand that if I had a portable HD video camera in my bag all the time, I would literally have so many videos on the blog it would be INSANE!

Want, Want, WANT! Gimme, Gimme, GIMME!!!

Okay, that's my list (so far) of all the stuff that I could of course do without but that I want more than anything in the whole wide world please buy it for me you will thanks love you forever! Alright, Question Time...

Are there any pieces of electronic equipment that you don't have but you are dying before? What's on your gadget wish list? And what's that thing that's so extravagant that you know you'll never really be able to afford it but you want it anyway?

And you'll all be glad to know that I so don't want the Amazon Kindle anymore. Who needs reading when I'm gonna buy a video camera! This blog is about to go digital! Di-di-di-digital!

Oh, and will you guys cosign on my buying the touchscreen computer if all I really want to do is play touchscreen minesweeper?


I'll take whatever you say to mean "Yes"!

It's a sad day at the Junior house because today is the final episode of sketch comedy show "MadTV" on the evil network FOX (they deserve that for canceling "Arrested Development" and "The Critic"!).

The network announced that they would not renew the show after 14 seasons on the air. They barely made up for this by also announcing that Wanda Sykes would be getting her own show on Saturdays, but I'm still going to miss my "MadTV" a lot! Sniffle.

Now before you get all "whatevs" on me and say that "MadTV" wasn't funny or it was not as good as "Saturday Night Live" (my response: "As if!"), regardless of the fact that you liked it or not, you have to admit that it was good having another sketch comedy show on TV. The genre is lacking.

See, I grew up with "In Living Color" and "The Kids in the Hall" and "The State" and "All That" and "SNL" so I grew to love the sketch comedy genre.

And with "Chappelle's Show" gone, my only holdouts are "Important Things with Demetri Martin" and "The Big Gay Sketch Show," both of which produce few episodes and are funny, but can waver a bit. That's why having "MadTV" on air was such a blessing!

You had that weekly dose of sketch comedy without always having to turn to the Walmart of sketch shows "SNL." That isn't to say that "SNL" isn't funny. It's just that "MadTV" often went places that "SNL" would never touch. Places in pop culture that were younger, fresher, more current, more diverse, and more raunchy. And, especially recently, as "SNL" has cultivated this indie niche of pop culture relevance (see Andy Samberg et al.), "MadTV" kept it real with characters who weren't all smart or cultured but who also weren't the butt of the joke.

Who could be black or Latin or Asian without it being a novelty. And who could be completely over the top without it seeming forced.

Plus, after a few years of not really being very funny at all, "MadTV" was just getting its mojo back this season with new cast additions and a return to some of its classic farce routines. But as FOX has decided it wants no more, we can only hope that another network picks the show up and keeps it going because it has always, from day one, been a hilarious source of comedy.

That's why, in honor of the finale episode of the 14th season which airs tonight at 11 PM, I present My Top 14! Favorite MadTV Sketches!

But let me tell you that it was very difficult to choose even 14 sketches. "MadTV," which aired for an hour from 11 PM to midnight on Saturdays, rarely had musical guests, which meant that the show was choc-full of sketches.

Now, the ones in the first half were usually the better sketches, but even still, that was an hour's worth of sketches every week, which is more output than any other sketch show on TV, which made it so great!

That being said, I did have trouble choosing my favorite sketches but I did it and I'd like to take some time to describe the clips you see to your left. Okay, number 14 features Will Sasso (who was such a crush I had) playing Randy Newman. whose songs do all sound the same. Number 13 is a newer episode featuring Johnny Sanchez and "Gay Sketch Show's" Erica Ash.

Number 12 features Michael McDonald, Stephnie Weir, who I tried to include more of, and a hilarious guest spot by Susan Sarandon. Number 11 is the first of many appearances by the hilarious Debra Wilson, this time as Beyoncé, while 10 features Wilson, her also hilarious often scene partner Nicole Sullivan and Mary Scheer as Barbra Streisand in "Terms of Imprisonment"! You gotta love that!

Number 9 and 8 are both set in school, with the first being "Pretty White Kids With Problems" which is so smart and funny at the same time, and the second featuring the great Keegan Michael Key as Coach Hines, who is seriously like every coach I had in high school! That is no joke!

Number 7 is Wilson and Sullivan as Lida and Melina, two Hispanic teens who get into trouble. "It's Ricky Martin's panties" is the best line ever! Number 6 is my fave, "The Lillian Verner Game Show," with Paul Vogt, Ike Barinholtz, Weir, and the amazing Mo Collins, who keeps cracking up!

Number 5 features over the top Bobby Lee with...

JOHN CENA!

Actually, they did several skits together and they were all hilarious. I also wanted to include more Lee on the list but couldn't fit it. His Connie Chung is fall on the floor funny! Okay, Number 4 is Collins doing Shakira's "Whenever, Wherever": "I could sing about pancake batter" makes me crack up every single time!

Alright, now onto what I consider to be the best sketches the show has ever done. Number 3 makes my stomach hurt it's too much. It's Wilson, who is the only person who should ever be allowed to impersonate Whitney Houston, Aries Spears as Bobby Brown and Collins as Diane Sawyer lampooning that crazy interview Houston did with Sawyer years back. There is so much, I can't stand it!

"Do you know, Diane? Do you? Do... you? Dianne. Do you?"
"Spark it up!"
"Yes, Merry Crystal Methmas!"
"Put it up under your wig!"

It's so funny that I can't watch it any place where I have to be quiet for fear of bursting at the seams. Also, add "Merry Crystal Methmas!" to your vocabularies now!

Okay, Number 2 just narrowly edged out Number 3 for its spot. It features Barinholtz and Josh Meyers (brother of "SNL's" stuck-up Seth) playing "two guys who got excited and made out". I've shown this clip on the blog before but every time I watch it, I'm amazed at how it's still funny, how culturally aware it is making fun of the stereotypes of straight and gay, how it also lampoons both cultures while admitting that if you kiss guys you're gay, and actually showing two men kiss sexually, which I don't think "SNL" has ever done.

Plus, it's got some great lines with "Should we go to a gay bar? I don't know, can you go when you're new?" my absolute favorite!

Now, if there's any mistaking it, NUMBER ONE is Sullivan doing the Single Greatest Parody anyone has ever done, making fun of Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby... One More Time," I now present to you all "Lick My Baby Back Behind"!

I actually like this version so much that I don't even remember Britney's version. "Too bad our love's a felony (a felony). You're big like daddy, I'll open wide. Put it inside. Lick my baby back behind" has to be the greatest lyric of all time! I love it so much!

Okay, that's my list!

But as you can see, there's still so much missing. I had no room for Nicole Parker or Crista Flanagan or Alex Borstein or Jordan Peele or Arden Myrin or Andrew Daly or Nicole Randall Johnson and so on and so on... And there were so many characters that all the actors do that I couldn't fit into just 14 clips, but here's hoping that some network (not Comedy Central, who wouldn't promote the show and probably bury it on Saturday mornings) will pick up the show, even in a half-hour version, just to keep this talented troupe going and keep one of the few remaining sketch comedy outfits in business. Question Time!

Did you like "MadTV"? Will you miss it when it's gone from FOX? Who was your favorite "MadTV" performer? What about your favorite sketch or character or music video parody? It's it funny that MadTV has been doing short video parodies long before "SNL" and never gets the same acclaim! It's Verrrry Interesting.

Anyway, show me some "MadTV" love!

It's time for another Question to the World, and as usual, this question stems from something that always happens in my life and I'd like to know if it happens to other people and what they think.

I was recently out with a bestie and we were discussing what stuff we wanted to do over the summer. My list was exhaustive: I want to see "Hair on Broadway," I would like to see Phoenix and Passion Pit in concert. Plus, I have to try to see Ivri Lider and Kylie Minogue when they come to the US for their first North American tours ever. Wow, I'd actually like to do a lot this summer. And a lot of the things I wanted to do, my bestie doesn't really want to do, but she'd come along and pay her way because she trusts my judgment that it'll be a fun time.

And that got me thinking about friends and doing stuff with them.

See, I think you guys have noticed that I have a... strong personality. Some would say "b!tch" (not to my face) but really it's just that I tend to have very strong opinions about things and like to have things go my way. It's not that I want to control everything, it's just that I know if I "control" it, whatever that means, things will run smoothly and we'll have fun. That's all.


It's just too many times I've been out when someone else has made the plans and no one knows where we're going, how to get there, what's happening after, etc. However, this taking control comes at a price: me hunched over the computer looking up movie times, nearby restaurants, other diversions, and to be honest with you... I HATE IT! I HATE PLANNING!

Just once, I'd like to be a take-along person. I dream of this. What's a take-along person? A take-along person is that person who gets called AFTER all the plans get made and your friends are looking for another fun person to "take along." Every group of friends has one. That person who just makes a trip to the movies or bowling or just a night at the bar more fun. They get the call at the last minute and say "Sure, just pick me up!"

Seriously. I have dreams about being a take-along person...


But every time I get a call about going out for the night (which, trust me, doesn't happen that often at all), it inevitably sounds like this:

Me: "Hello."

Them: "Hey, I'm bored. Wanna go out and do something tonight?"

Me: "Sure. What did you have in mind?"

Them: "I dunno."

Me: "You didn't think of anything? [Pause] Because I'm up for anything. Whatever you wanted is fine with me... I'll just tag along. Hang. Out."

Them: "But you always have ideas..."

Me: "I know, but tonight is all you. I'll go wherever for whatever you decide..."

Them: "It's just that you're so particular and I don't want to pick something that you aren't gonna like or a place to eat with food you don't like. And your stomach is so sensitive, you don't eat certain things. And you have... opinions... a lot so I don't want to..."

Me: "But I'm telling you that I just want to tag along. Tag. Along. I'll just try to find something I enjoy in whatever you choose. So what do you want to do?"

Them: [Silence]

Me (dejected): You wanna play pool at the new place? They're open until 1, I think, but I'll have to check their website. And TGI Friday's is nearby...

Them: You always have the best ideas! Pick me up?


And do even get me started on the times I have tagged along and ended up getting into fights with people because my opinion was solicited when I expressly told them not to solicit my opinion. Which becomes a way of controlling people all by itself. See my dilemma!

That's why I need to know:

Are you a make-the-plans person or a take-along person?

And no I don't have any ideas about how to end this post. No, I'll do whatever you want. No you decide. YOU DECIDE! No, I won't veto it! PROMISE!

Alright, we'll get to the "Little Women" (above) reference in a minute. First, we have to talk about the state of American television. And that state is like California now, not good. Overall viewership is way down, this season only featured one new hit "The Mentalist" (which I am very surprised about) , and I expect when the new fall seasons for all the big broadcast networks are released in the summer, expect many of your favorite shows to be gone.

Yeah, I know. Not good. True the cable networks are picking up a lot of the slack (I cannot wait for "Mad Men" in August!) but a ton of our favorite shows still come from the networks and when they aren't doing good, neither are we, or me because I'm the only one that follows this stuff this close.

As we previously discussed, Jay Leno (right) is going to have a Monday through Friday show on NBC at 10 PM, simply because he's cheaper than programming a drama or comedy in the same spot.

Whether or not the project works or not (I think it could work but it'll surely siphon viewers away from a Conan O'Brien-hosted "Tonight Show"), that means five hours less network time for dramatic shows than we had in the past. Plus more Jay Leno. Ugh.

To top all this nonsense off, the dramas that the networks are introducing are either new cop shows, new medical shows, and new, the first two I said, because they are the only ones that people seem to actually watch week after week. But even those tried and true formulas aren't pulling viewers in droves anymore. My fave of the new breed "Southland" may have been picked up for a second season thank God, but it's ratings dropped each of the weeks that it's been on air.

Because network executives are basically idiots with really nice offices and big paychecks, the other tactic they have for getting viewers back to the small screen is to spin-off old shows. Like we discussed with Broadway musicals turning into movies, the logic is that if we already know the characters from another show or the show was popular in the past, viewers will be more likely to tune into the new show.

Case in point: "90210" (below).


Not only is the new "90210" technically a spin-off of the original "Beverly Hills: 90210" from the 90s, but the producers are now considering taking characters from that show to create a new "Melrose Place," which the original show was a spin-off of the old "90210". Did that make sense?

Plus the desperate CW network is also spinning off the gawdawful "Gossip Girl" with another show because we all really, really needed it. Overall, the thing I think is so ridonk about all this nonsense is that none of these machinations guarantees that anyone is gonna watch the new show.


As much as I love "Private Practice" (above), the "Grey's Anatomy" spin-off on ABC, and it's doing fairly well, it still doesn't get the ratings of its parent show. It never will. And the reason it doesn't is why I opened the post discussing "Little Women."

The nets need to understand that carbon copies of old shows and boring procedural dramas will never get viewers like "M.A.S.H." or "Friends" or any classic show because people only tune into shows in huge numbers when something's on the line. When you've loved characters in absorbing situations that compel you to tune in weekly to see if your people get closer to their goal.

That's why a small screen version of "Little Women" (below) will fix everything!

I'll explain.

I recently watched the 1994 version of the Louisa May Alcott story with Winona Ryder and thought "not only is this a great movie, it would be a fantastic show!"

The story is wholesome so it would attract a wide variety of viewers, it depicts the Civil War era with the costumes and customs that many find romantic, and the characters are very strong: every person considers themselves either a Jo, Meg, Beth, or Amy.

Plus, the story is so well known that many girls treat it with the same fandom than many treat Jane Austen's novels and all the subsequent television miniseries created for them (including the one when Colin Firth took off his shirt).

And to get people to tune in even if they already know the story, they could stretch it by adding new storylines, stretching the timeline, etc. I mean wouldn't you tune in every week to see some sh!t like this:



C'mon TV execs! People need television they can be swept up in! TV that takes them away and makes them imagine worlds they could never visit with people they could never meet! A "Little Women" TV show could have all this...

AND MORE!

People would watch in droves!

Now if we're not going to actually buy an interesting script from a new writer and actually give it money to put it on the air and not cancel it after two episodes, I think a "Little Women" TV show is the next best option. Certainly better than all these spin-offs and talk shows. But if "Little Women" isn't your thing, what other piece of entertainment would you give the TV treatment?

It can be a movie, book, play, anything? Let me (and the TV big shots) know!

This is something that has just always bugged me and I was recently reminded of it and I realized I hadn't written about it and I thought it was high time to just get to it. Would you like me to stop wasting time at the beginning of my posts and just get to the point already? That's not up for discussion. What is, however, is the still prevalent misogynist objectification of women in male artists' music videos.

I thought Queen Latifah had cleared this all up when she told everyone she wasn't a "'b!tch' or a 'ho'," but no, the problem persists, but I do have to say that the severity has been reduced. Rock has changed so considerably that the idea of Tawny Kitaen making love to the hood of a car would seem less sexy and more hilarious nowadays (actually it was kinda funny back then too) and even hip hop/rap/R&B, while never completely abandoning the "video chick" mentality, has also managed to incorporate other conceptions of women.

The problem is far from solved, however, and I wanted to discuss one, I think, creepy form of this objectification in music videos. Below is Asher Roth's (which is not a brand of linens from J.C. Penney contrary to what you may think) video for his second single "Be By Myself." You don't need to watch the whole thing.

A minute or two will give you the basic idea.



What annoyed me when I saw this video on the MTV Hits, and what you may have guessed by the title of this post, is not the use of the scantily clad ladies in his video. Look. I'm sexually attracted to men, and often objectify them on this blog. My problem is the fact that so very often, like in most of the above video, the girls being objectified aren't even allowed to show their whole faces!

Sure, I understand. You want the hot girls in your videos. Fine. But can they at least have faces not covered up by gigantic sunglasses or simply not shown on screen at all. Are they not worthy enough of even being identifiable, or is that the point?

Luckily, in Roth's video, the girls do (briefly) get to show that yes, they are humanoid, but I see this pretty often in vids and it always bugs me. What kind of message does this send to young women about self-worth? What about men?



As I said, Roth's video is by far not the worst example I've seen. It just reminded me of the issue. The WORST example of The Faceless Woman I've seen recently is that video from an artist named Lloyd with Lil Wayne called "Girls Around the World," (video above) where the girls dancing around in the video, get this...

WEREN'T ALLOWED TO HAVE EYES!

It was literally as if someone said "We devalue you so much that we are literally gonna take away the Windows to Your Soul and replace them with beams of light. Now get in the corner and prepared to be oiled down." The most annoying part is that I actually kinda like the song, but I could never. No eyes!

Seriously! Well, enough me. Discussion Question Time: Do you agree that there is nothing particularly attractive about a Faceless Woman? Why do you think that concept is appealing?

For me, I need to see a guy's face to consider him attractive. The sunglasses have to come off and yeah, his eyes can't emit beams of light. Unless he's Cyclops (right), in which case, I make one exception.

And I understand there could be some artistic merit in disguising parts of the face to maybe make a statement about humanity, but I don't think these and other male artists (and their music video directors) are thinking that. I just think they want a bunch of toned bodies to stare at. How then can we get upset when young boys watching these videos treat girls like sex objects? Is that too far or not far enough?

(p.s. so ends my week of exploring gender discrimination. Have a great weekend!)

I think I told you guys before that I live in an old people building. Not a nursing home (not yet anyway, give it time), but it's a residential building where the average age of the tenants is 104, and that's factoring in my 23 years (stop laughing).

But I like it. I actually chose it for that reason. You see living in an old people building is wonderful. They don't make any noise unless they forgot their hearing aids and they turn the "Nightly News" up too loud.

But it doesn't matter anyway because they go to sleep at 7 PM. They are sticklers about having a clean, orderly building, which means the first sign of any bug or rodent, they have the exterminators on blast, and they're generally nice.


Plus, many live with their hot grandsons so I've got that covered and they often, very often, do hilarious things to keep the place quiet. Because if there's one thing they hate, it's racket. And if there's one thing they hate more than racket, it's skateboarders (above) making a racket, which brings us to today.

You see, the building is surrounded by miles and miles of flat concrete with steps and levels and all kinds of things that can cause bodily harm, which means that local skate kids LOVE the place. I don't mind them because they're nice kids, they never bother anyone, they just want to ride their skateboards. During the weekend.

Which is two days... Yeah, the old people that run the building's management office weren't having that even if it was just a few hours at the end of every week (I've never seen any skateboarders out Monday through Friday when school's open).

That is why someone down there fired up the typewriting box and decided to post a sign informing the kids they were no longer welcome around the building and post it EVERYWHERE THEY COULD! I stepped outside my apartment door and literally, I'm not making this up, saw the sign I'm about to show you, um, let me see... SEVEN TIMES as I made my way outside.

And the sign. Well, folks, the sign is brilliant. I saw it. Laughed and took like 800 pictures of it because it just feels like cranky old people. Like just read it in the voice of Mary Fisher's mother in "She Devil" to get the full effect.

Oh, yeah, you prolly want to see it. Here it is.


Let's break it down.


1. The fact that they spelled the word "skateboarders" with a hyphen warms my heart like Christmas morning. Oh, old people.

I love 'ya!

2. The fact that they started the sign with "LISTEN UP!!" is a kiss from Baby Jesus. I'm assuming other intro phrases considered were "Yo!", "Word!", "Check it!", and "What's up!" before being ultimately scrapped.

Also, need we mention the brilliance of putting the phrase "LISTEN UP!!"... ON A SIGN!

3. What I glean from these lines is that they would rather you not have a skateboard anywhere near the lobby. But I'm not sure. They aren't clear about it. But I understand why. Those are Thomas Kincades. Real Thomas Kincades!

4. I thought maybe they thought "skateboarders" had a hyphen but surely I thought they'd seen the word "skateboards" before.

Clearly no.

5. Kids, we really do want you to "HAVE FUN". We do. Just far far FAR away from the Thomas Kincades. Seriously.

Also, I snorted when I read this.

6. Residents, this part of the sign if for you. If any of the skate-boarders bothered to read the sign, surely they would have given up by now. Here's what we need you to do. If you see something, say something! Because they must be stopped!


Forget turf wars, will the battle between old people and skate-boarders ever end?!

Crest, you know that men have teeth too, right?

What was that? Oh, you didn't know that. I didn't think you did because I saw your ad (below) for those Whitestrips a couple of days ago and, curiously, there were no men in it. So I'd thought... What? No, I was going to say that I thought I'd call and tell you that men, in fact, have teeth.



Yes, men have teeth too.

Just like women, and sometimes, we like our teeth to be white. You're shocked? Well, I'm only here to help. No don't be embarrassed. It's fine. Talk to you later. Oh, thank you, but I use Plus White. Thanks again. Talk to you...

Yes, bye...

(p.s. is it just me or does anybody else think it's weird that these teeth whitening commercial only use women in their ads? Or do these products need estrogen to work or something. Because I gots estrogen, baby! My doc says maybe too much! Sorry, I've said too much...)

There are times when I'm even disturbed by the things that I think. But this is a space of healing... This is a space of healing... This is a space...



Okay, Bob Ross was a painter and host of the PBS television program "The Joy of Painting" (above) who died in 1995. Years after his passing, he remains a beloved instructor and a constant source of joy for the millions that watch re-airings of his painting videos. I am about to desecrate all of that.

I was watching "The Joy of Painting" a couple days ago (I can't believe I'm going to admit this) and um, Bob Ross' voice, it, um, it, um... Well, um...

Bob Ross' voice turns me on. This is a space of healing...

The question literally asks itself: Is it wrong to be turned on BY THIS?!!

You've helped me twice before. Don't let me down now!

I'm telling you right now that the explanation for this post is a hot mess. But I'm gonna try to put it all through a sieve so it makes some kinda sense.

Okay, start at the beginning...

I was recently asked why I don't talk about more current events and other news, political or otherwise, on the blog. What I told them was that I don't want to, but I realized I do have a more reasoned, thought-out answer to that question. First, I would say that the blog's mission from day one has been "entertainment and my life, plus other kooky stuff" and while I may occasionally write about more serious stuff, it's usually in the context of something entertainment related. The second reason I don't talk about news on the blog is because while there is so much good news, gay marriage approved here, Obama elected as president there...

There is also so much bad news. So much hate (homo hate, black hate, women hate, common sense hate) and so much just plain ugliness. Now of course I could only report the good news, but that isn't realistic and it also would make for a paltry blog as the good news comes few and far between.


However, as there are plenty of places to get the news, I see this blog as kind of a home base. A place anyone can come and maybe pick up a chuckle and an idea before heading back off into that big bad world. Not that I've turned my head to the news completely. In fact, most of the blogs I read are news based and I love them and admire them and how they take on topics of the day.

I could never do it. First, I would get so depressed at some of these stories that I would just cry before I finished a post or my response would be "That's bad" which is not an intelligent way to distill the news to an audience.

And second, I'm much too goofy to take anything seriously, which brings us to the point of this post.

I've been following the gains that us gay peeps are making in the United States in getting marriage equality and other freedoms that straight people take for granted through Sam's blog Lazy Circles, which you all know and love.

Well, recently, he had a post that featured the picture at the very top of this page of two men embracing at a gay rights rally in reference to how an ABC poll finds that a majority of Americans are for marriage equality. It's a beautiful moment, tied to an even more beautiful goal: getting gay couples the freedoms they...

Would you look at how his face is all mashed up in there!


This is why I don't run a news-focused blog. I can't turn the goofy off.

But seriously, the blond guy's face is about to break on through to the other side! Love it! It was when I was looking at this photo that I realized, I love these gay rights rally kissing photos. They're sweet. They're politically charged. And sometimes, they're really funny. So while I'll never be serious and newsy, I can most certainly take a newsy and serious topic, and make jokes about it...

Somewhere Harvey Milk weeps for me. Let's begin. Below are My Top 10! Favorite Gay Rights Rally Kisses! I strongly believe in supporting freedom and equality for all. I also firmly believe that when people kiss in a loud public place, it sometimes doesn't go perfectly... Let's begin.

Oh, I said that. ...Let's begin again.


10)


I call this The "I Only Have Eyes for You"...

This very real news photo (all the photos are very real and that's what I love most about them) comes from a 2005 gay rights march in San Francisco, which will be the place where several of our photos today are taken. Stephanie on the left and Kathleen on the right seem to be lost in another world, which is what I love about the gay rights rally kiss photo, it's a sweet moment tied to an important issue.


9)


The "Say Nose to Prop 8"...

From a Seattle No on Prop 8 rally from November 15, 2008.


8)


The "We're Both a Busy But Let's Try to Make This Happen"...

This photo comes from a gay rights rally in Poland, and unfortunately, I don't have names, years, or other information for this photo but what I love about this photo is that clearly these two men are a little busy. The one of the left is holding balloons and the other is holding the banner, which is why...

Actually, can we analyze this a little closer...?


Yeah, what we've got here is an upper lip kiss. See, guy on the left is heading in straight and guy on the right is going northwest and when the two meet you get a classic upper lip kiss. But they get points for execution...


7)


The "Let It All Hang Out"...

From a San Francisco rally. I had to add the "Censored" bar because, yeah, Miss Girl wasn't wearing a top. Okay. Moving on...


6)


The "You Two Are So Cute I Want to Shoot Myself in the Face, But Don't Worry About Me... Go Be Cute. It's Fine."...

This couple pictured from a 2004 San Francisco gay rights rally kind of make my insides hurt. How can anyone look at the above photo and tell me that that's not love. That that's not natural. Oh, and guess what their names are: Monica and Rachel.

Are you not dying right now?


5)


The "Just Give Me a Minute Here"...

Okay, I think I've figured out how every gay rights rally kiss photo begins. One half of the couple sees the news photographer at the rally. He or she realizes that their signs can only go so far so they decide to give the photographer the money shot, if you will, so they go in for the kiss. The problem is the other half of the couple has no idea what's going on so what you end up with is this...


Oh, this is Moe on the left and Ryan on the right from a 2006 San Francisco rally. And I'm positive that once Ryan figured out what's going on he prolly went along with it. Right now, however, he clearly needs a little time.


4)


The "Girls, Could You Stop Being So Perfect. It Hurts"...

This photo comes from the final 15 minutes of the movie "Milk," oh sorry, I mean from a No on Prop 8 rally in a place of which I do not have the name. Their names are Joni on the left and Tika on the right. Yeah, I'm starting to think this couple kiss list wasn't such a good idea. I'm starting to get totes jeals...


3)


The "There Is So Much Going On Here I Don't Understand"...

I love this photo. Wesley on the left and Tim on the right are participating in a gay rights rally in Hong Kong in December of last year. I think we're gonna need to go in for a closer inspection...


Tim is clearly not ready for the incredibly hot Wesley to kiss him, which is kind of funny. What's funnier is that after awhile it's clear Tim decides he's not upset by it and kinda goes along. And now, the BEST PART is the guy in the back (head circled) who is giving the best "Whaaa?" face ever, which is strange because he knows he's at a gay rights rally, right? Or did he think he was at the most colorful charity walk ever?


2)


The "Hollywood Kiss"...

I LOVE this photo. I don't have the ladies names but I do know it's from a 2006 rally in Israel. The thing I love about this photo is that these ladies clearly look like they don't care who the f#ck is around them, where they are, or who cares about it, they are sucking face and you need to stand back if you have a problem.

Actually, I think they should have a more appropriate background...


That's better.


1)


The "Give Me a Kiss to Make Someone Scream On"...

This may be the best photo ever. Feel free to use it for your desktops and screensavers. It comes from a 2008 gay marriage protest in Los Angeles and I don't have the guys names but we still have enough here to analyze.

1a. The guys are beyond hot.

1b. The kiss looks and deep and luscious.

1c. The fact that they're doing it in front of those crazy stupid nonsensical anti-gay protesters is like the best thing ever!

1d. Can we talk about this guy for a minute?


He may be holding a "God Abhors You" you sign...

Which can we stop and talk about how stupid a "God Abhors You" sign is? Like can't you imagine a bunch of bigots sitting in a room trying to think of what the "A" could be: Assaults, Aghast, A-Hates? Then the idea that God abhors anyone? If you believe in God and that he gave everyone life which is a gift, if I have live, how can he then "abhor" me? And who uses that word? On a sign!

Going back to the guy holding the sign if we could, is it just me or is he not STARING DIRECTLY AT THEM KISSING! LOL! Staring like he's seen something that he's never seen before and he can't describe it, he can't explain it, but something about what he's seeing just... feels... so... right...

1e. What is "Homo Sex"?


That's my list everyone!

Sorry, I was a little listy this week but when you've got a good list, you have to share it! Now I need to know, do you think I should be more newsy even if they means more posts like this? What do you love about the gay rights rally kiss? Is the answer to the last question "everything"? That's what I thought!