Juice with Junior

Of course, a TV show can't be secret but the fact that no one knows I watch it is so a secret. And I'm opening the door and inviting you deeper into my world with the below list of my favorite TV shows that no one (well mostly no one) knows that I just enjoy like there's no tomorrow! I love them all more than I should!

Now I can't explain them, and I don't even know if I'd want to, but I def can explain that when these shows come on, I drop everything and stare at the screen like it's gonna teach me the meaning of life. Every. Single. Time.

Here are My Top 5: Favorite Secret TV Shows. Do you have any shows that no one knows you watch when you're all alone? Do tell. We'll never tell...


5)


"The Girls Next Door" (E!; pictured above)

I am known on occasion to watch this show. I have no excuse. Clip below.




4)


"Sábado Gigante" (Univision; pictured above)

I started watching "Gigante" when I was a kid, when my mom and I would marvel at the craziness of the variety show while trying to master our Spanish.

Despite knowing a little more Spanish than I did then, most of the time I still have no idea what's going on on this show, but I do love watching the music acts and every once in awhile, you'll catch a really good one like Thalia below.

Enjoy!




3)


"Sewing with Nancy" (PBS; pictured above)

"Sewing with Nancy" (p.s. 'Nancy' is above right) is one of the longest-running public broadcasting (p.s.s. there's a lot of PBS on this list) sewing shows on television. Do I sew? No. Do I watch "Sewing with Nancy"? Yeah, all the time. Are we slowly realizing that there's something wrong with me?

Yeah, so? Seriously, something about Nancy's ability to show off her skill level, which is impressive, while making some of the ugliest clothes I have ever seen is worth watching. Check out a short clip below...




2)


"Connect with English" (PBS; pictured above)

This very well may be the most embarrassing thing I've ever disclosed on the blog, but it must be said. Alright, "Connect with English" is a show produced for public broadcasting which is a narrative to teach English... you know, this guy can explain it better. Roll it. Didja get that?

This is a show designed to get you to learn English. I have watched every, single, episode. It literally is one of my favorite shows ever. What the f#ck is wrong with me? It's about the girl who wants to sing, I can't... Just watch.




1)


"EastEnders" (BBC-UK; PBS-USA; pictured above)

Alright so my local PBS station shows the British soap "EastEnders" at midnight on Fridays and I watch it EVERY SINGLE WEEK. Don't ask me who any of the characters are because I don't know. I don't know who they are, what they're doing, or what any of the plots are, but I can watch those Brits talk in their funny accents all night long.

Take a look at a clip below...




I feel so much better everyone!

Now don't let me be the only one! Do you have a secret TV show that you need to tell the world you love? This is a judgment-free space, promise!

Okay, this has nothing to do with the topic, I just wanted to say that last week, I told myself "Self, you're doing too many lists on the blog. You need to do more essays where you talk about your opinions." Now, this week, I'm like "I've already done two essays! Now I'm doing another one! It's too much!"

Well, don't worry, I'm gonna bring you some more list action tomorrow. Tonight, we have to talk about football because it seems to be that time of year again when it become all the rage and the hate I feel for this American pastimes grows to a fever pitch (notice how I used two baseball references in that sentence. God, I hate football!)

Alright, let's talk for reals about this...

The Super Bowl is this Sunday all day I think.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are playing some other team I don't care about because I only root for the team that's closest to New York. And like every year, peeps have Super Bowl Fever!

All the commercials are 'bout the game, getting a big TV, chips and dip, and the commercials that they are charging millions to show on NBC. Even "The Office" is having a supersized show after it to capitalize on the viewers. It's like the Super Bowl, and American football itself, is this self-sufficient entity that just keeps chugging along stealing people's time and money and I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: AMERICAN FOOTBALL IS THE MOST STUPIDEST SPORT EVER MADE! Why will no one listen to me?!

Alright, you think I'm exaggerating about this. Here is a clip I found of the fourth quarter of last year's Super Bowl, so this is supposed to be the most exciting time of the most exiting game, agreed? Alright, now watch the clip.




WHAT THE F#CK IS THIS GAME! WHAT?!

Every single time I'm at home, I walk into the den and see my father watching football and every single time all I see is a bunch of people walking around, yelling at each other, and then when they finally get up to do something, they look like a bunch of hamsters in a maze, something happens, and then it stops again.

And I remember, one time I asked my dad "Why are they stopping?"

"Because they're reviewing the play" he replies.

(Btw, my father does bear a striking resemblance to Denzel Washington (right), and it's not a tooting his horn kind of thing. He really does look like him.)

"Why is it taking so long?"

"They're reviewing the play."

"Why is it taking so long?"

This went on a few more times before I finally gave up and said "OK" and went to the kitchen. Seriously, this is not a game. This is not a sport. It's a series of events given a point structure mutually agreed upon by a bunch of idiots.


It doesn't make any sense to me why this game is so popular!

And I used to think it was because I didn't like any sports. I was actually gonna do a post about all sports when I realized I like other sports. I think hockey takes a lot of skill. Tennis is a favorite. My dad played basketball for years so I totally understand the quality of that game. While I think baseball is a little antiquated, I still appreciate it.

But football? Ugh city!

And I know the rules. I did a post last year when I kinda joked about the rules but I do know them. And they're stupid. Yards? Really? What are we landscape architects over here? Most all sports use points because IT FREAKIN' MAKES MORE SENSE! And while we're at it, what's with these uniforms? They're all over the place...

These players wear more padding that soldiers going into battle and yet researchers still discover that longtime football playing can cause progressive brain damage. People, it can cause brain damage WITH THE PADDING! Because this game is f#cking dangerous and shouldn't be played anymore.

Especially when the lesser known players barely get healthcare. And my last complaint about this completely ridiculous game that I've spent way too long talking about. Football is filled with some of the hottest men! And you can barely see them!

I mean really, the one asset this stupid sport has is that it is filled with my favorite kind of man: gigantic and muscular with a slight case of progressive brain damage.

And then they don't even show off the goods! I hate football!

Take player Patrick Kerney (below) for example...


Look at this man! Wouldn't it be so much better if he was completely nude? Wouldn't you watch every game? It's like they don't even care!

But go ahead, watch your Super Bowl, but don't tell me anything about it and don't ask me my opinion. Unless they've replaced the Super Bowl with a championship game between Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal.

Then I'm there. And my money's on Nadal.

News broke today that Pulitzer Prize-winning author John Updike (left) has died of lung cancer at the age of 76.

It's definitely a sad day for me because although I didn't grow up when Updike's fiction boom occurred in the 1960s and 70s, which included the "Rabbit" series of books such as starter "Rabbit Run," I still counted him as one of my literary inspirations and often find my own work being colored in his realistic yet tonally sly and smirking depiction of American life.

Now I never read "Rabbit Run" because as I've said many times, the only fiction I read is Agatha Christie, but I often indulged in his short stores, which were slices of life so sharp and moving you sometimes put the book down in the middle of a story and wondered if the man was sitting behind you. I first encountered Updike when I was assigned his short story "A&P" for English class in high school. As I was wont to do, I only read the novels or stories I wanted in high school because I couldn't be but so bothered, but I read "A&P" and loved it.

The voice of the narrator as he chronicles like in and outside the supermarket was clear yet not flowery nor was it beyond a character of that age; it was totally informed. In particular, that story has greatly influenced my writing along with "The Catcher in the Rye," which are two pieces of fiction every young boy, gay straight black white, should read, oh add "Invisible Man."

Later on, when I was in college, I was in the middle of a full-on nervous breakdown (had about three a week, gah) when I heard that Updike was going to be giving a reading to promote his recently-released short story collection "The Early Stories: 1953-1975," which I possess and treasure. I had been excommunicated from our college newspaper (longest story ever) so I couldn't write about his visit or interview him and had no friends to even go to the reading with (that's not true, it's just the depression talking), but dragged my teary butt to the crowded auditorium alone to hear him read one of his stories from the book and speak.

There were no seats when I arrived so I crouched on the floor, my head against the wall, crying, listening to John Updike read. It was wonderful. He stayed to sign copies but I couldn't bring myself to ask. I don't regret that because a signature would pale to what he has given the literary community and anyone who has enjoyed his work. Plus, I'm sure he would have thought I was a crazy person.

Read and/or loved Updike, let me know.

This is kind of an open-ended question; I've been trying to do that more so you guys can chew over a topic while I'm off managing my life poorly.

Speaking of poor decisions, I was thinking recently about the times we live in and how it seems that money has become so important, even moreso than usual. The economy is in dire straits, stores are closing left and right, unemployment is crazy high, no one has healthcare or can afford it. It's crazy.

You know what else is crazy: if you have money, not even a whole lot of money, none of this matters. Isn't that crazy? I mean the concept itself, that this intangible thing we call money may not make you happy but will definitely remove so many of the constraints that plague people in every day life. Well, one day I was having this kind of conversation with my bestie La, and we were talking about what we would do if we were in the position of just having money, not Oprah money, just enough money to be comfortable.

Of course, the question came up of how we gonna get this money. And since I usually think of two things most of the time: sex and money, naturally I thought "Let's be prosties!" But this idea does come with a disclaimer.

As prostitution is illegal in most places and is fraught with danger, drugs, sexual abuse, and numerous other dangers, understand that I don't take being a prostie lightly. It should be something no one does. But... they don't call it the world's oldest profession for nothing. There are people out there makin' money as prosties, all different kinds of prosties, not just street walkers.


You do have street walkers, but you also have escorts who work for services, escorts who work from home and have private clients. There are high-class hotel lobby prosties or "massage therapists" who turn into prosties with the right number of rolled up $100 bills slipped into their spa shorts.

Then, there are "dates" who accept clothes and dinner and don't necessarily have sex with their clients, but they can so they're still prosties in my book. Then you have those skanky prosties that troll bars and clubs looking for the lonely, the needy, and those who may throw money at them.

So with all this said, I need to know: What kind of prostie would you be?


Now I know they'll be some of you who'll say you'd never be a prostie. I know that. I'd never really do it either. I'm not in good enough shape. But that's not the point of this little thought game. I just want to know that in a fantasy world in your head, if you were a prostie, what kind would you be?

I, myself, have two options that I like the most: I would be either a high-class ($2,000 a night and up) fancy hotel bar prostie, like at the St. Regis, sidling up to businessmen on layovers from places like Minneapolis and Spokane saying things like "You don't have to go back to your room alone tonight..."

Or I'd go to some small town, get a little apartment, and I'd just be the town prostie. Everyone would know me, everyone would know what I do, the cops would leave me alone (as long as I provided them some of my services for free) and I'd be a part of the general landscape of small-town life.

People would come to town and say when they gave tours they'd say "That's the General Store, and that's the Beauty Shop, oh and that's just Junior. He's friends with all the truckers. He's their, um... stress reliever."

Now again, I'd NEVER DO THIS, but it's fun to think of the things that can kind of reveal different sides of your personality.

And you guys have such fabulous personalities that I'd be interested to know what kind of prostie you'd be? And don't say you wouldn't do it because I'm sure there has never been a child who said they wanted to be a prostie when they grew up, hopefully?

Or if you did, tell me that!

I'm all yours, for free even!

Not to get too premature but, now it's time to say goodbye to the holidays that is. The last one, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day (jeez, that's a long name), has come and gone and although the blog theme is not ending until next week, I find myself realizing that now is the time to pack the crap up and put it in the attic for another year. And it makes me sad because I truly do love the holidays. It's my favorite time of year.

My second favorite time of year is coming up: the first day you can wear short sleeves as the winter is waning and not get a chill. I can't wait! How I love it so!

But going back to the holidays, I realized something when I was putting away my holiday cards and finalizing my Christmas music that won't get listened to for another 11 months (except "Last Christmas" because I love that song no matter what time of year). I realized that Christmas is SO in the wrong month!

Think about it. October has Halloween (which I can't stand). November has Thanksgiving (gobble, gobble). And December. Well December is a like a five-car pile up with Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, the solstice, and New Year's all in the same month! (p.s. I count New Year's in December because the party is before the ball drops, not after). That's WAY TOO MANY HOLIDAYS for one month. Poor April gets bupkis while December is literally hoarding holidays like Santa hoards children's feelings of disappointment. That's when I had a brilliant idea, and I know it's brilliant because it makes absolutely no sense.

Move Christmas. Okay, wait. I'll say it again. Move Christmas.

I figure that moving a lesser celebrated holiday like the solstice won't really solve my problem, but if we let all the other holidays have December and we move the biggie, the one that takes up all the attention (that b!tch), Christmas, we'll have a solution. That's why I propose that next year, we celebrate Christmas on January 25.


Here are my reasons:

1) Thanks to global warming, it hardly snows the closer you get to the equator by December 25. When I was growing up, you could count on having a White Christmas. Nowadays you have to grow up much closer to the North Pole if you want to get any snow action on Christmas, and that's just sad. I may not believe in Santa but I do think kids should be able to play in the snow for Christmas.

2) More holiday unity. As Dentyne likes to tell us, we as a society are growing apart thanks to our Interwebs and other technologies, we need to come together. What better way than extend the holiday spirit of togetherness by moving Christmas by a month! Think about it.

And 3) What a great way to start the year than with a really big holiday. And honestly, by the time I find my decorations and pick out my music, Christmas has come and gone! With an extra month, we'll have more time to have fun and start the year off right.

Plus, it'll help the economy! And who doesn't want that.

Okay, do you agree? Would you celebrate Christmas on January 25?! Would you?! We could start a movement! I'll make t-shirts! It'll be so much fun! Let me know if you want to join in!

The makers of Dentyne chewing gum products would like to share a message with you about the Interwebs and social networking sites, such as Facebook, and other communicative technology, like instant messenger, that millions of people use.

That message to all of you is: You have no life. Watch and learn.



No seriously, what is the take-home message of these commercials (one above)?

What? TELL ME! What, Dentyne, I'm not really "living life" because I'm not trapped on some vaguely Scandinavian looking island with a bunch of posers who clearly all don't have jobs smiling a lot. My life is not fulfilled because I use instant messenger to talk to people I could call on the phone.

Worse yet, I don't even use instant messenger or Facebook or any of it and I'm offended! How dare you! How about you live your own life, Dentyne, and stop commenting about other people's, mmmmmmmmmmkay!?.

(Extra "mmmm's" for added annoyance factor).

OK, am I getting worked up over nothing or do you agree that these ads should be in the dictionary next to the word "condescension"?

Barack Obama took the oath today and became the 44th president of the United States. Celebrations are still raging throughout the country because this is truly a momentous time and I'm glad to be living through it.

Just like Obama discussed in his speech, this country, and this world, still have lots of problems, and of course any presidential administration isn't going to do everything perfectly, but at least the road that Obama is on is going in a positive direction! Now if you want to chat about it, I'm here!

And I want to know, did you go to any parties or any viewing celebrations? Did you stop at work to watch together or did you queue it up online?

Lastly, I wanted to include a song that I thought summed up the situation and the only one I could think of is below. I think it fits. Enjoy!

Whitney Houston - "Exhale (Shoop, Shoop)" (listen via YouTube)

Hello everyone! Welcome to the Final Night of New York City Week! Thank you for joining me on this amazing journey through my favorite city in the land. I hope you had fun and learned more 'bout my hometown and its entertainment!

Well, kids, I have some bad news.

I wanted to head out into my car all day today and show you around some more of the city but it was literally the coldest day of the year today and, despite my car's heater being effective, I realized it wouldn't really work with me snapping photos of places through my snow-covered car windows because I didn't want to go outside and literally die of thermy before I could get to my spot.

So what I wanted to do today was just show you around some more places in the city that I love, places you must visit if you aren't in New York regularly.

They may not all be pics from my trusty cell phone cam, but they are in New York City and I do love them! Let's go North to South...


The Bronx (above) where I was born is the northernmost borough in the city and is one of the most beautiful in my opinion. Yes, everyone knows Yankee Stadium, but that area of the Bronx, south west, is up and coming to say the least. For the really pretty parts of the Bronx, you have to go north.


Van Cortlandt Park (above) is gorgeous, it's my second favorite NYC park after Central Park because not only does it have two softball fields but you can also ride horses (below) there and see jockeys riding from the street.



And of course, you have to stop by the Bronx Zoo (above), but don't stay forever. That place can kinda become a tourist trap. Visit the monkeys because their fun and go into the butterfly cage and then leave. There's more to see...



You must go a little further north and drive through Fieldston, which is one of the most wealthy areas in the Bronx. Yes, this is the Bronx! It'll change your conceptions about how you can live in the city (if you have a lotta money, which is pretty much true everywhere in the city). But looking at all the beautiful houses will be a nice respite from all the Manhattan skyscrapers.

And be sure to take the Henry Hudson Parkway and drive through Riverdale, but get off at Dyckman because you have to drive down Broadway and get a taste of the wonderful shops and markets in the more "working class" areas of the Bronx.

It's not the ghetto so don't get scared.

Now that you've entered Manhattan, skip the West Side Highway and take Riverside Drive (below) south.


Sure, the West Side Highway will give you Hudson River views (watch for falling planes!) and a good view of the George Washington Bridge and Jersey...

...But Riverside Dr. is so picturesque.

When it snows, you literally feel like you're in a postcard.



Alright, let's swing east because as you go south, you have to drive around the Upper East Side including Park Avenue (above), which is the most beautiful street in Manhattan. Then swing up to Fifth Avenue (below)...


There's plenty to see along Fifth Avenue, including the Guggenheim, the Pierre, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and the Plaza (below)...


And when you're taking pics outside the Plaza, visit the Apple Flagship Store (below) across the street that is if the line isn't too long...


Now no trip would be complete without taking a drive through Times Square (below), but I suggest driving...



Walking Times Square at almost every time of day is seriously brutal. People trying to get to the subway mixed with slow-moving tourists creates serious headaches. Although, if you do go, check out the Theatre Development Fund ticket booth to see if you can get some cheap Broadway tickets.

Or find any obnoxious guy in a loud t-shirt screaming things at passersby. They are usually recruiting people to sit in the audience of comedy show or talk show tapings. If you have a few hours to kill, they are a great, free way to maybe see a celeb while you're in NYC! Alright, keep to the Seventh Avenue side of Times Square and drive 20 blocks down to Chelsea, our last stop. Chelsea is the other big gay area in Manhattan, but it's the older brother to the West Village. The older brother that grooms obsessively, exercises all the time, and will not date you. Ever.

Naturally, I love the area. When you go, you must stop by the Hotel Chelsea (below), which is more than 100 years old...


And if you get hungry from all this traveling, you have SO MANY CHOICES of places to eat in Chelsea but I recommend either the Viceroy (below)...


Or Cafeteria (below)...


...Which is open 24 hours a day too so it's a fave!

THANK YOU FOR COMING ALONG WITH ME (not really) ON THIS RIDE!

I hope you enjoyed my tips for how to see everything you need to see in New York City! And I hope you've enjoyed the week! I had fun bringing it to you! Now, let me know if you have any other NY places you love and we'll discuss them for everyone's benefit! I'm all ears!

HAPPY NEW YORK CITY WEEK!

Alright, let's stop playing.

This is the post you all have been waiting for. Yes, sure there are lots of great places in New York City, and lots of great entertainment based in the city, but what is the city's most abundant and wondrous output?

It's Men!

I could dress up the following list as wanting to show you the caliber of people that New York City has put out into the world of entertainment but we all know that this post is a reason to ogle at some seriously hot men who were seriously born within the city limits of New York. It really is that simple. Now I have more work to do tomorrow because I plan on showing you a lot of places, so enjoy the eye candy and I will see you later.

If you know some hot NYC men, please contribute!

Now, please place your hands on the keyboard where I can see them...

Thank you. Let's begin.


Donald Faison (above).


Anderson Cooper (above).


Peter Gallagher (above).


Wilson Cruz (above). Born in Brooklyn.


Eddie Cahill (above).


The late Christopher Reeve (above).
A gorgeous, wonderful man yesterday, today, and tomorrow.


Vin Diesel (above).


Zac Posen (above).


Jerry O'Connell (above).


Franky G (above). Born in Brooklyn.

And of course...


Jeremy Piven (above).

And last but certainly not least in my bed tied to the headboard with a blindfold on because I'm gonna do some things to him tonight that no one needs to see...


LL Cool J (above). Born in Queens.

I LOVE NEW YORK CITY!

HAPPY NEW YORK CITY WEEK!