Monday, November 18, 2013

TV Time: The Screams of a "House Hunters" Viewer...

I enjoy watching television. I watch way too much of it.

I should be off having a life or being productive or, um, helping people. Instead, I choose to grab a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos out of my Cool Ranch Dorito dispenser... Gotcha! I don't have a Cool Ranch Dorito dispenser because if I did, I'd truly never leave my house... But I grab a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, park my fat bootaytay in front of the box and choose to live vicariously through it. My latest TV obsession is a little show on HGTV called "House Hunters"...

You've prolly seen it, but if you haven't, I'll explain. "House Hunters" is a show where a person or a couple or family, it doesn't matter, looks at three houses or condos, the show describes everything about the properties including taking viewers on a little tour, and by the end of the show the people pick which house they want to buy.

Every once in awhile, the show will do a fake-out where the person DOESN'T buy a house at the end, but such instances are rare. It's a pretty simple concept, but I have been glued to my TV every time it, or its companion "International," olé, show come on because it's the perfect show for me. I get to exacerbate the bedsores probably slowly growing on my a$$ while the show takes me around the country and the world and lets me into homes I would have otherwise never have had access to! I love it! I love seeing all the different places of the world, learning about what areas are nice, and learning how prices differ depending on where you are.

For those unfamiliar, I've included an episode above (Canadian viewers can click here to watch a clip from an episode.) However, there is a problem I encounter almost every single time I watch "House Hunters"... I can't stand the people looking at the homes! I believe that when you're buying a home, it is impossible to look sympathetic because these people on this show are some of the most annoying people on the face of the earth. They love to complain! They never heard a complaint they didn't like! This bedroom is too small, we wouldn't be able to get our furniture in here. I thought this unit came with a pool. I don't like the tile in this kitchen. I don't like being so far the city here...

Whine! Whine! Whine!

The thing I hate the most is when people whine about sh!t they can easily change when they buy the property. There was one episode where this girl complained about not liking the carpet in a house the whole time! The poor real estate agent had to keep reminding the girl that carpets can be easily changed, but she kept harping on it. I wanted to jump through the TV and shake some sense into her! And you're getting an idea of what the other problem I have with this show...

I get into it. I scream back at the TV. I just get so frustrated at some of these dumb dumbs that I have to let it out or I'll explode and I have to watch an episode of "Law and Order: SVU" to calm down. And my screams usually have nothing to do with which house gets chosen at the end of the episode. Normally, it's about what stupid thing these people are doing on the TV in front of me. Because I figured I couldn't be the only person yelling at the TV during this show, I thought I'd share some things I have actually screamed at the TV while watching.

See if you can recognize yourself in my crazy:

I have yelled...

-- "I have to leave New York! Homes cost so much less like everywhere else!"

-- "Your real estate agent hates you!"

-- "What do you mean it's not close enough to the beach! From the looks of you two, a little walk to the beach would do a world of good!"

-- "Okay, you're not gonna get four bedrooms and an attached garage for $200,000! Be realistic, people!"

-- "Hey lady, your husband's hot! Where are you guys moving to again!"

-- "No, you don't need more space! You want more space! My grandmother raised nine children in a one-bedroom in the South Bronx! You want more space! The house you have is big enough for a family, greedy guts!"

-- "There's nothing wrong with that kitchen! Stainless steel appliances will not hold you in the middle of the night! Also, they do in fact stain, contrary to what you might think!"

-- "I'm convinced women like granite kitchen countertops so much because when their husbands fall asleep, they rub their vajays all over them... Okay, then, why else would they all want granite so much!"
(This was less a scream and more of an inner dialogue.)

-- "This house is ugly. For shame, real estate agent! ... For shame!"

-- "For the last time, you can replace the carpet! Stop f#cking complaining about the carpet!"

-- "White people will literally move anywhere."

-- "What's the problem?! The house costs $125,000! Buy it already! Do you people realize that there are some parking spaces in Manhattan that cost more than the entire house you're waffling about?!"

-- "Are all real estate agent incredibly hot, or is it just you?!"

-- "No! Open! Floor! Plans! Ever!"

-- "I want a washer/dryer in my apartment! Why do I have to go all the way downstairs!"

-- "Why is a hot tub a selling point? I don't want to wade around in the previous owner's bodily fluids. Eww."
(Again, less a scream. More an observation.)

-- "A pool is not a safety hazard. Parents who refuse to be bothered to teach their children pool safety is a safety hazard!"

-- "No! The house is a foreclosure! Don't you know the past owners are gonna come back and kill you in your sleep! Run for your lives!"
(p.s. why hasn't someone made this concept into a horror movie yet?)

-- "Again, for the last time, wall colors can be changed! Ooh boy, you're looking like you don't like what you see, why don't you come over here and put some paint up on it!"

-- "I like this house!"

-- "I love when people say they need more space for their growing family, when what they mean is that they need more space to get away from their growing family..."
(Another observation, I guess.)

-- "Stop saying you want an Old-World European apartment and complain about the bathroom drain being in the middle of the room! That's European! What you really want is an American apartment in Europe!"

-- "Okay, you know and I know that this person cannot afford this house so why are you showing it to them real estate agent! ... For shame!"

-- "At this point, I don't give a sh!t what house you choose!"

-- "The only way I'd live in a ground-floor apartment is if I was in a Hazmat suit! Bugs need to do absolutely no work to get inside!"

-- "Condo Number 2! Condo Number 2! Condo Number 2! Condo... Oh, you chose Condo Number 1. ... F#ck you!"

-- "I can smell that house through the TV and the aroma, well, it's not pleasant."

-- "I could never move to the islands! Those houses all have sliding glass doors! How's a sliding glass door supposed to stop someone from stealing my sh!t in the middle of the night! Security please!"

-- "I really like this house!"

-- "Seriously, you people are getting on my last nerve! You want all this stuff! Your budget is like $100,000. The agent has actually found you three homes in your price range that are surprisingly nice. Pick a muthaf#cking house! And no you can't have a pool! Pick a house!"

Now, I'd love to know, have you seen "House Hunters" and if so, what have you yelled at the screen while watching?

I know you yelled something. We all do!

Originally posted May 7, 2010.


Dani said...

I have this theory that we were twins in the ovarian sac and God separated us only to have us reunite on blogs. I LOVE THIS SHOW. AND IT FRUSTRATES THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!

There. I had to yell that. Sing it brother. Sing it from the rooftops. All the things you say are so true. Can I add a few, because now I am mad all over again.

1- WTF is this love on for Granite? Like seriously? There are a million other awesome counter tops and you are freaking out because it doesn't have granite? That's the deal breaker?

2- What is the grief over laminate hardwood vs real hardwood? It still looks nice...and can be replaced you dumbfucks.

3- Can someone please tell me why a vaulted ceiling and recessed lighting is a big deal? Is this an upper class, southern American white thing? I'm white and I don't get it.

4- When the walk in closet is bigger than my house and you complain it is small...perhaps you should apply for the show "Hoarders". The fact that you even need to buy a house because your existing walk in closet isn't big enough is stupid to begin with. Purge you stupid bitch.

5- Why the hell would you buy a house to accomdate your dog? They walk into a yard bigger than the Royal Hampton Gardens in England and say "oh, well I don't know if this is big enough for Fluffy". K..take your dog for a fucking walk at the nearby park you lazy sow cow. Besides which, fluffy will die soon.

6- WTF is a man room? in my part of the world, we call that a basement. Or a garage.

7- It's pronounce foy-eh, not foy-er. If you are going to use a french word to describe the entrance hallway, at least pronounce it right.

8 - When you have four bathrooms in your house plus an ensuite, than spare me the complaint that it doesn't have a double sink. Are you kidding me?

9- I clearly live in an expensive area. A house some can get for $150,000 there is like a whore house in the projects up here. And then to complain about the price? Fail.

10- If you only have one car, why do you need a three car garage?

11- It's one thing to bitch about appliances, carpet and wallpaper. Because while they can all be replaced, there is a certain level of extra cost involved. But to complain about PAINT? PAAAIIINNTTT? Are you kidding me? That stuff is as cheap as a case load of zebra cakes and a box of mini dorito bags. Piss off about the wall color!

I think I'll go watch Season one of Glee again to calm down. Sing to me pretties...sing to me.

Junior said...

Dani, I already said this a bunch of times, but I SO love you!

I agree with every single thing you brought up! The people on "HH" are so ridiculous! When people complain about stuff in the houses that can be changed, it makes me want to go into the TV and commence to shaking b!tches! Seriously! The paint? You're gonna complain about the paint! It's called Benjamin Moore! Go there and buy the paint you like! And if you can't afford the paint in your budget YOU SHOULDN'T BE BUYING A HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Yes! It is pronounced "foy-eh"! And don't complain about it not being big enough! You don't sleep in the foyer! While I like vaulted ceilings, I HATE recessed lighting! People living in the 1800s didn't have recessed lighting! You can manage! And no, it's not a Southern white thing. It's a lazy thing because no one has heard of a lamp anymore. Plus, overhead lighting is bad for your eyes anyway!

Oh the double sink! I know a couple is gonna get divorced when they show them arguing over a double vanity. It's like if you two can't share a f#cking sink, there's no hope left for you!

And I love when they complain about the yard not being fenced in for their dogs... My parents house doesn't have a fence and we trained the dog not to go past a certain area. If your dog runs away from you, THEY NEVER WANTED TO BE WITH YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Oh, I have to calm down now too. You're watching tonight, right? Me too...

Dani said...

Not only am I watching tonight, but I already watched an episode this morning. Between HGTV, The food network and there ever a reason to leave the house? I vote not.

Junior said...

I completely concur...

Ermine said...

When you have enough dough to buy a house your brain goes on vacation. They see themselves having dinner parties and breaking fast in the garden but they won't. The husband will be in the Man Room masturbating to everything and the wife will drink while smelling the tub cleaner. If I had a dime....
PLUS!Don't they know that granite gives off carbon monoxide and will kill them? And it will absorb even faster thru the vadge! Poor poor granite vadging fools.
Do you watch Location Location with Kirsty and Phil? Love them and that show.

Junior said...

First of all, I have to compose myself from that comment, Ermine. Too much laughter all at once. Secondly, I didn't know granite gives off CO. I have to stop my mom from wanting to put some in! I have to check out "Location, Location" because I don't think I have the station that airs it down here, but I'll check...

C. Paul Keller said...

This is why I love/hate HGTV. Whenever I watch House Hunters and Designers' Challenge I want to remind every upper middle class ho that they are wasting thousands for a dream of perfection in their foyer because they can't attain it in the bedroom. Oh, did I just go there? Oops.

I like Design On A Dime cuz I'm a lower middle class ho.

Junior said...

Exactly Paul! It's like if you love the people you're with, it doesn't matter what the kitchen counter looks like if you want to be together! Crazy town!