Everyone. I am fat. Unacceptably fat. I know. It's reached a pretty disgusting level. I don't feel pretty, and everyone knows the only thing that's important in life is being pretty.
So I made a deal with myself yesterday to stop eating junk food, find a gym, go to that gym, stay at that gym, and begin losing the weight and toning my body so that I'm happy with it again (and improving my health, I guess, whatever, we all know why we're here). Thus, I'm giving up fast food again and I'm *single tear* giving up Zebra Cakes. FOREVER. Yes, I know you don't believe me, but I have to make a clean break because a single ZC is four ZCs is a box of ZCs is my turning tricks for ZCs. To deal with my grief, I've composed a poem about the last Zebra Cake I've eaten (picture above). The poem is below. Enjoy.
Have this play on loop while you read the following:
"The Last Zebra Cake"
by Junior
I have a friend who has kept me warm
I have a friend whose not left me forlorn
I have a friend whose hand I often take
I have a friend whose name is Zebra Cake
No matter how rough the seas often are
I know my Zebra Cake will not be far
No matter how many friends won't call me back
I know a Zebra Cake awaits in my sack*
* Technically, Zebra Cakes come in a box, but they are individually wrapped in bags and I'm writing this in iambic pentameter and rhyming couplets so I'll have to take some liberties from time to time to make the rhyming work, okay? People, don't test me. It's been a day without ZCs. I'm on edge.
There are some days when I cannot go on
There are some times when happiness seems gone
Instead of dwelling on a life lived in the crapper
I think about ripping open a Zebra Cake wrapper
I know it may seem a bit pernicious
To not deal with problems quite malicious
I know other solutions are probably more judicious
But I use Zebra Cakes because they are so delicious
Crumbly white coating over yellow cake
Layered on top of sugary frosting for heaven's sake
Oh, Zebra Cake, your taste is quite divine
Which is why the whole box just must be mine
I always say I'll only eat just one or three
When lying down watching "Grey's Anatomy"
But when my hand reaches out for more
I realize the box is empty and on the floor
True the scene I describe seems like bliss
Scarfing Zebra Cakes, each one a sweet-tasting kiss
No worries or cares can ever affect 'ole me
Because I'm indulging in my favorite candy*
* I'm aware that I'm starting to sound like a drug addict. Stay with.
Now, wait, there is a problem I must describe
One that keeps me from enjoying what I imbibe
You see, Zebra Cake, the problem is just that
Well it seems, Zebra Cake, that you have made me fat
In the mirror, I fail to like anything I see
No longer do I possess abs that others envy
Because in forgetting all that ails me for a treat
When I look down now, I can't see my feet
So now I must head to the nearest site
Where ellipticals stand under overhead light
And work my body out until its spent and sore
In order to tight and strengthen my core
This means, dear friend, that our union must end
Leafy greens and protein must now become my friend
But I will never forget the sweet love we did make
My cherished, beloved, adored last Zebra Cake
Le fin.
5 comments:
Hark. I hear your pain, in every verse.
For giving up Zebra cakes is the worse.
But fear not friend, for I am by your side.
Our hideous fat, we cannot hide.
Our shallow ways are just that.
For we cannot stand anymore to be fat.
Journey together you and I.
With a little tear in our eyes.
Le fin.
Dani, you are truly my sister from another mister! Wonderful!
It's too bad you couldn't have been addicted to some Hostess product like Twinkies since they don't exist any more. That makes giving them up a lot easier. Actually, I've never had a Twinkie in my life (insert gay sex joke here). When Hostess announced their emminent death, I went to 7-11 to try to find one and see what I'd been missing, but the Twinkie hoarders beat me to it (insert second gay sex joke here).
And one more thing, although I've never seen you in person, I strongly suspect you're not fat, you're only Gay Fat, which means you actually have some body fat and can't quite pull off junior petit XS tank tops and skinny jeans. Thank God.
Sam, I've said this before but I'll say it again, you are so lucky to be a well-adjusted person. True, I too wish I could have been cursed with an addiction to a Twinkie (although Cup Cakes were more my thing). It's horrible food (it's not really food) and I know I have to stop so I'm taking teeny tiny baby steps!
Also, thank you for saying I'm Gay Fat. That seriously made me feel totally better about being actually fat (I know, I know, but it's gonna take some time before I get over it).
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