There is literally so much. I saw this cover at a now-closed Borders store in NYC (this one's for you Borders. I'll never step foot in a Barnes & Whatever. They can suck it out of my...) and I literally saw the words "There is literally so much" flash before my eyes like an hallucinatory ticker tape. I may be developing schizophrenia. Anyway, I'll deal with that later.
For now, we have to discuss this amazing cover. Since I can't even organize my thoughts there's so much, I'm gonna bullet point everything so we can have some kind of order amidst the chaos.
• "Succubus" is a fantastic word to have in a romance novel title!
• In researching this post, I discovered that this book is the first "Sisters of Darkness" novel. I assume the other stories are about different sisters getting it in with dangerous men. I'm there. Side note: I have a sister of darkness but she's got different kinds of problems.
• The cover guy has a great back. I wonder how they chose this cover. Did the designers sift through hundreds of pictures of this model's back until they got the right one? Did they go through a couple of models with good backs? I would have liked to sit in on that casting. I'm slowly discovering that the male back is an unheralded part of the male body. A good back can be just as much of a turn-on as a chest or an ab or a bicep... Okay, maybe not a bicep. I'm getting ahead of myself.
• The cover lady looks like she's saying "I don't want to do this to you, but I have no choice." Like say that sentence as you stare at her face. Exactly.
• I've saved the best for last. The tagline of this book is how I'd like my life described at my eulogy. Ready? "Her survival depends on him...if he doesn't get pulled into her erotic world first."
That someone is my mother, and if you were wondering, yes, my mother is Diahann Carroll, and yes, my childhood was amazing (when mom wasn't standing next to hors d'oeuvre platters in high-waisted palazzo pants not letting me eat the shrimp kabobs), but I digress.
I have hit a snag with my moving out of my parents' house in the form of a co-op board in a kinda but not really fancy building in New York that likes to move at a glacial pace. Thusforth, I have been unable to leave the nest and reestablish the Junior homestead as it once was. What does this boil down to? A lot of time with mom in front of the TV while mom says things that I wish other people could hear while searching for her glasses, which are always on her head. So, because I can't think of anything interesting to write, I will leave the comments to my mother, who probably should have her own blog but can't because she still has trouble with the "one click for buttons, two clicks for folders" rule of personal computers. I've tried to teach her but the furthest I've gotten is "Junior, will you just do this for me!" so we've got aways to go before she's blogging up a storm (give it time).
After this paragraph, you will be reading the opinions of my mother. The key thing to remember is that arguing with her about something will get you nowhere because you don't know as much as she does and that she's not trying to be funny, it's the truth (which is a phrase I find myself saying a lot and it makes me realize I'm turning into her *screams*) Enjoy!
"Oh my God, have you seen it? It's so bad. It's soooo bad. Like, yes, the girls are pretty, but none of them can act. It's like where did they find these girls? They should put their pictures on screen and leave it at that because the whole them trying to say lines thing is just not working. It's filmed pretty. [Editor's Note: A show being filmed pretty is very big for my mother. Like tops.]"
"This is American Idol, right? [Editor's Note: I then explained that "X Factor" and "American Idol" are two different shows.] So "American Idol" is over? [Editor's Note: I then explained that "American Idol" would be coming back in January.] That's not possible. There's no way they would have two singing shows on like this. You wait and see, I bet you "American Idol" is over and this is its replacement. Jesus, Simon Cowell is rich. [Pause] Where are the chairs that spin around?"
"The first time I saw this show I thought it was about vampires. I mean, look at it. Who talks to other people like this? Look at the way they're all looking at each other. They're all looking at each other like they're about to take a bite. And they're all perfect looking and shiny and well dressed. Like their fangs are gonna appear all of the sudden. Especially Madeline Stowe."
[Editor's Note: Mom is completely right. I cannot watch this show without thinking that someone is gonna get their neck bitten. Watch it and tell me we're wrong.]
[Editor's Note: I made the mistake of telling my mom that this show was originally titled The Rememberer.] "Hahahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaa! The Rememberer! Hahahahahahahahaaaaa!"
"This actually looks funny. I would watch this. Junior, program the DVR so I can watch it on the weekends. I wouldn't be asking you if I knew how to do it. [Pause] Yes, I read the book!"
"Ooh, it's Tami Taylor! [Editor's Note: my mother loved "Friday Night Lights" where Connie Britton (above left) played Tami Taylor.] And she's in this show with what's his name. Dermot. It's Dermot something, right? [Editor's Note: I explained to mom that she was thinking about Dermot Mulroney and not the guy who was really in the show, Dylan McDermott (above center).] See, I know what Tami Taylor is doing. She was just on "Friday Night Lights" with Coach Taylor [Editor's Note: mom means Kyle Chandler, who is hot.] and now she's on this show with the Dermot guy. Girlfriend likes to keep company with all the best looking men in Hollywood. She's smart though, who wants to be kissing on some ugly guy even if it's just acting... I sure wouldn't."
"The show isn't very good, but I love all the dresses that the main woman [Editor's Note: mom means Kathryn Hahn.] wears. They're all business dresses, the same kind, but they're all really form fitting. I'm over suits. I'm gonna start wearing dresses again. I wish I could find out where the costume designer got all her dresses. I'm so sick of suits. You couldn't get me in a suit if you tried."
"You know that joke about how white people think all black people look alike? Well, um, [Pause] I can't tell any of these girls apart. I just can't. They all look like one girl. Then they had the nerve to put them all in uniforms, just to make it more difficult. I'll probably watch it."
"All this is is them trying to bring back all the "LOST" people... [Editor's Note: mom was a big fan of "LOST".] John Locke is guest starring on Hawaii 5-0 with the Asian guy from "LOST"... They need to stop playing and just bring back "LOST"... [Pause] They didn't ascend to heaven, Junior, they're still alive and they need to bring the show back instead of this piecemeal thing! They're still alive!"
"Maya Rudolph is so crazy. And Christina Applegate is actually funny on this one, not like her last few shows. And the guy is really tall. Most men in Hollywood are not that tall. He's tall."
"I actually laughed at the little commercial. They actually had some jokes. Hmm, I don't know. It's either this one or the 'Broke Girls' show. Can't be both. Don't have the time."
"Will someone please tell Tim Allen to sit down already? Just... sit... down."
Question Time: What new fall shows have you been enjoying? Seeing as how I am not in control of what I watch because when watching TV with my mom, you watch what she wants to watch, what shows do you recommend I check out? What old favorites have been doing well this year? What do you hope gets picked up or canceled? Any midseason shows you're excited about?
The title of this post comes from a conversation I recently had with a forthcoming friend about the pitiful state of my (non-existent) love life.
I described the things I described to you guys already: the terrible dates, the falling for scores of straight men, and my apparent inability to either feel confident enough about myself to approach a man I like or meet any man who is confident enough himself to approach me because he likes me (I'm pretty sure these are the only two ways you can meet men, although I haven't ruled out gay Indian arranged marriage, which doesn't exist). After about 20 minutes of hearing these stories (and I was surprised that she lasted that long... I thought she'd time out at about 9 minutes), she jutted out her hand and said, "Stop for a minute. This was a guy you didn't like or you did like?"
I rambled, "I mean I went out with him because he was nice and he seemed into me and it's hard for me to find nice and into me. I usually only find one or the other. I didn't really want to..."
"Well Jesus Christ, b!tch, what the f*ck is it that you want?"
"Excuse me."
She continued, "All these stories sound like they're about men who you don't even like or about straight men, so what the f*ck do you actually want? Do you want a straight guy? Because if that's what you want..."
"No. I want a gay man who I'm compatible with to want me back and have a relationship with me."
"Then you need to stop messing with all this bullsh!t and go out and actually find a gay guy because all this bullsh!t here is annoying."
Aww. Love.
It was at this time that I disabled my OK Cupid account. Not deleted. Just disabled. Until I feel like I'm emotionally ready to handle it. I had been talking with two gentlemen on OK Cupid who were... OK, for lack of a better term. They were both older than the cut-off I had in my head.
They were both attractivish, which is this term I created for someone who could be attractive if they just tried a little harder. Let it be known right now that I am not attractive or even attractivish. I am cute, or a more accurate term, fun.
How do you know if you're cute as opposed to fun? Have someone else describe you to another person. If the person doing the describing says "He's really cute" without hesitation, then you're cute. If they say, "He's so hot!" then you're attractive or at least attractivish. If, like in my case, people say "Um, he's [Long Pause] fun. He's a lot of fun! You're just gonna think he's so much... fun!" Then, you're "fun" which is a better way of saying that things will not automatically be aroused for the other person when they're in your presence. It's fine.
I have come to terms with this distinction.
So, fun me was talking to these two guys, but I just couldn't get it up.
Something about talking to them felt like I was lying. I wasn't really interested in them; I was merely talking to them because they were attractivish and showed some interest in me.
For as many compliments as they peppered in our conversations, I was having trouble responding in kind. It's not that I'm some vapid b!tch who only wants the hottest of hot guys like John Cena times 100. It's just that I know my guy when I see him and these guys just weren't my guy. That's when I thought about what my friend said and realized that I needed to stop going after whatever and start defining, then going after, what or who I actually want. But who is that? Who is my guy? What does "my guy" even mean for me?
