Juice with Junior

I just want to start this post by saying that I do not watch the news. I have no capacity for staring at the TV while people stare back and shout the words "fear" and "worry" at me for hours on end. I rather read about it, and when I say "read about it" what I mean is scan the New York Times homepage to make sure no one died and then flip directly to the Arts section to read about musicals I will never have enough money to see on Broadway. It's my routine.

However, while I lived at home with my parents for the summer, I was forced to indulge in their afternoon activity of watching both the local and the national news and then commenting on/worrying about every single story they saw. Then my mother discovered CNN and the sh!t hit the fan. Now every phone call with her starts with her saying "Can you believe what that Sarah Palin is up to?" and I reply "Did you hear about this on CNN?" Mom: "Yes. She just gets me so riled up." Me: "That's why CNN loves her, because it gets you to watch. Stop watching!" But even before CNN came into my mother's life, both my parents were addicted to the NBC Nightly News.

This was OK with me because it started when the show was anchored by Tom Brokaw, and I freaking love Tom Brokaw. Not in a John Cena way, but in a he's a man I respect and I think he's good at what he does and he sounds like he always has cotton balls in his mouth. I like all that.

But now that the show is anchored by Brian "My Nose Is Slightly Crooked Which Is Why I Deliver The News With My Head Cocked to One Side Don't Believe Me Just Look at Him Next Time" Williams I feel like things have been going downhill fast. As an addendum, I have to add that I do not like Brian Williams. He's up there on my sh!t list with the Timberfake and Gwyneth "OMG WHY" Paltrow (did you know that her Wiki page lists her as an "actress and singer"? Don't you just want to vom?) in the pantheon of celebrities I can't stand. I do realize that he's been anchor for like the past 7 or 8 years, but like I said, I don't watch the news so I watch when I watch (which is never).

But then, 2 weeks ago, this happened:

Now you may be like "Junior, that's old news," but this post isn't about the fire alarm (although when it happened, I watched that over and over like an unpopular girl watching the homecoming queen walk down the hall with toilet paper on her shoe -- I ate it up!) I take the fire alarm to be a symptom of several systemic problems happening over at 30 Rock. What problems?

How about we list them?


The Only Person Who Will Love Brian Williams as Much as Brian Williams Is Brian Williams

Yes, I don't like BW (I can't type it again). We know that. But I think I could like him. He's intelligent, a capable newsman, jovial, relatively handsome for someone with a crooked nose, and I'm sure he's nice. But the problem is my liking, your liking, anyone's liking of BW will never compare to the LOVE that BW has for himself.

It's obvious, annoying, and distracting. He once was doing a live report from somewhere in Manhattan maybe Ground Zero, I'm not sure, and decided that wherever they were was close enough to Rockefeller Center for the crew to head back to the studio and finish the show from there. Which is fine. Instead of just, you know, going back to studio and announcing when they came back to air that they had gone back to the studio, BW broke into the commercials to air footage of him and his crew returning to 30 Rock as a way of informing viewers that they were "on the move." Whaa? Plus, his late night talk show or sitcom appearances may be chuckle worthy, but there's something going on in the world 24-7 and you're the managing editor of the most popular evening news show on television!

I know BW thinks he's HILARIOUS (it doesn't take a genius...), but how about less making yourself the story and more reporting on it, mmmkay?


The Thing That Lives on Chuck Todd's (below) Face


Todd is the Chief White House Correspondent and I'm sure he's very... I can't! I cannot stand idly by and let that thing be in my view and not say anything about it. It's ridiculous and borderline unprofessional. Also Chuck Todd (his name is not doing him any favors either) has this habit of going to Hawaii whenever the President does and doing his reports in something closely resembling a Hawaiian shirt. Which brings me to my next point...


The Correspondents Have Been Frequently Doing Their Reports Sans Blazers or Jackets or Anything That You Would Have to Wear to a Job Interview


I don't care if it's hot. I don't care if it's windy or stormy out. I don't care if you rushed to the scene with only a moment's notice. When you're on air, could we please try for an air of professionalism. You're on TV for what? Two, three minutes. You can brave the heatwave in a blazer for that long...


Kate Snow


Sorry, that was a mistake. You're the only thing that is going well over there. Except... Why aren't you wearing a...? You know what? I'll let it go.


BW's "Folksyness"


Returning to BW for a moment, another thing I can't stand about the man is this so-called "folksy charm" he is alleged to have. Instead of properly saying "Thank you" to his correspondents after their reports, BW typically offers a twangy "Thanks," which makes my skin crawl. He's been known to chuckle in interviews (see above) and generally think he's being warm and adorbs when it's really annoying and unnecessary. Let's straighten up and fly right.

Start saying thank you. Change all your ties because they're all ugly. And enough with the editorializing. I don't care what you think.

I care about THE NEWS.


Do I have anything else? Hmm. Oh yeah, and another thing:


Is Everything OK With Lester Holt? (left)

Every time I see him, his glasses are getting bigger and bigger and barely seem to stay on his tiny, tiny face. p.s. I try to only watch the weekend edition because BW isn't on there. I'm not thrilled with LH either, but you take what you can get (and I can't take BW).


Question Time: Have you noticed any of the shenanigans I mentioned going on during the Nightly News? Do you watch it and/or like Brian Williams? Do you think I was too hard on him? Correct answer: never. Do you watch either the CBS or ABC evening newses? Do Diane and/or Scott do anything that drives you up a wall? Who else thinks that CNN and other 24-hour news stations are slowly ruining the world?