Juice with Junior

I maybe, just maybe, might have talked about my complete, all encompassing, unabashed love for a one Mr. Anderson Cooper (left). I might have talked about that before. Maybe.

Not sure. Anyway, I have a story for you guys, but unlike most of my stories, I'm gonna tell you the end of the story first and work my way forward (or backward?) like a French crime noir or Christopher Nolan movie or something.

The end of this story is that me, Junior, the man you know and love (?) engaged in a brief, yet meaningful conversation with Mr. Anderson Cooper. Not his wax figure. Not Anderson Copper, a penny with a vague resemblance to the CNN newsman that I just made up. No, The Real Anderson Cooper himself. I, me, talked to him, Coop, in person live and raw… Okay, not "raw" but certainly live. Let me give you deets because I know you want. My husband Anderson Cooper takes the morning train, he works from nine to five inside the Time Warner Center at Columbus Circle. There, he works on his CNN show that no one really watches (let's be real, people) and is now working on a brand new daytime talk show called simply "Anderson." The talk show is geared to the Oprah-set and is designed to showcase a lighter, more loosey-goosey side of Anderson (the press release actually said "loosey-goosey"… Okay, no it didn't.)

The moment I heard that Anderson was doing a talk show (which was a long time ago because he's my fake husband and we talk about our careers all the time), I logged onto andersoncooper.com (which should be your homepage if it isn't already), clicked "Tickets" and requested two tickets for a show taping while I was to be on vacation. I then promptly forgot about it.

I know you're like "B!tch, you forgot about Anderson Cooper. You should have been counting down the days when you were gonna meet your man." And I would, had my life been anywhere near normal recently. Instead, it's been a jumble of looking at apartments, applying for apartments, dealing with my parents, managing my at times uncontrollable attraction to my non-sex boyfriend, going out with my non-sex boyfriend (we have already established the fact that I am weak), eating junk food, traveling to and from my parent's house, watching "The Good Wife" (because nothing will stop me from watching "The Good Wife"), and showering. It's been a lot.


That's why as it got closer to my vacation, I was surprised to see the above email (click to enlarge) in my Inbox. Holy sh!tballs! I actually got tickets to see Anderson Cooper's new daytime talk show. This is crazy! At the time I thought that maybe he really would see me in the audience, realize that I'm the one he's been looking for, and stop his show to ask me to marry him. A boy can dream, right? Plus, I was super excited to be going to the Time Warner Center, specifically the Allen Room at Jazz at Lincoln Center, which features a beautiful several story view onto Columbus Circle. This S was gonna be so romantic! I began making arrangements for my moment with Anderson.


First, I chose an outfit. I decided on my skinny Wranglers and a blood red Calvin Klein button-down shirt under my DKNY cowl-neck sweater. All primary colors, should look great on TV and against the milky white skin of Andy Coop. I then chose my transportation plan. I had to be there at 9 AM and after the drama that was seeing the Wendy Williams show, I wanted to give myself ample time to get to Columbus Circle. I would take the... What is this (below, again click it to de-blurry)?


The audience girl wants to ask us some questions to possibly use on the show.

Let me zoom in here and she what she's asking about...


Why does it seem like my whole life is centered around the fact that I'm single? WHY?! Okay, so I would be going to the "singles" and "online dating" episode of Anderson Cooper. I found it suspicious given that AC has never really gone there about his own dating history, but whateves, if that's the show I'm gonna be a part of then that's the show I'm gonna be a part of. Coop could have literally done a show like "Watching paint dry, next on Anderson!" and I would have been like "Whooo! Paint drying! Anderson is the best show ever!"

Back to my transportation plan. Wait a second. Who the frak was I gonna bring with me to this thing? I couldn't go alone. Risk looking like a loser in front of a man who literally has so much going for himself that he radiates sunshine. I don't think so. But as I mentioned, I had to be there at 9 AM, which means I really had to be there at 8:30, and who was I ever gonna find who would not have to work in the middle of the week. I began to ask around.


Hi! It's me... What do you mean 'who'? It's me, Junior! Will you be free during the day next week? Oh, no. Well, thanks anyway... I didn't really want to go with you anyway... No I just said 'bye.' Bye..."

"Have you ever wanted to be up-close and personal with American royalty. The other family. No, the other one. They are actual royalty, the other... Anderson Cooper, dumb dumb. Really! ...But no I understand, making money to pay your rent and electricity is important, I guess..."

"Please come with me so I can meet Anderson Cooper and have him fall in love with me, please! You want to! Great... But, what? No, it's fine. I mean, couldn't you strap some pillows to the thing and leave it in the crib with one of those sippy bottles they feed goats with at carnivals? ... Hello? Hello?"

Basically, I was striking out left and right with getting someone to set their priorities correctly and come with me to my moment with destiny.

So one night, I'm out with a few friends including Todd, my non-sex straight boyfriend.

Let me now pause to take a few minutes to describe Todd, whom I've talked a little about before. Todd is a dude.

He has absolutely no interest in anything frivolous, decorative, emotional, or non-functional. All his clothes come sealed in some kind of plastic wrap when he buys them.

When you're at his house and ask for water, he will offer you light beer. He's one of the sweetest people I've ever met and we're friends, odd pair we are, because we both have a low tolerance for bullsh!t and a superiority complex. When we saw each other, we realized that we each knew something about the world that other people didn't. Plus, when we're together we make a fine pair of sexy b!tches. Anyway, so I'm out with Todd and some friends, and I start talking about how I can't get anyone to go to the "Anderson" taping with me. Todd looks up at me kind of hurt. "You didn't ask me if I could go."

"I assumed you wouldn't want to go."

Pause.

I finally say, "Todd, do you want to go to the taping with me?"

"Will I have to wear a shirt with sleeves?"

Let's break this down people.

Will I. Have To. Wear A. Shirt With... Sleeves. OMG, I'm about to bring Todd to a TV studio with the one, the only Anderson Cooper. What is wrong with me? So I inform Todd that yes, he will have to wear a shirt with sleeves but that they can be short sleeves like a Polo or something.

He replies, "F*ck yeah, we're going to see Anderson Cooper!"


So Todd and I wake up and take the train down to Columbus Circle and head to the Time Warner Building. Can I just stop and tell you that if not for Anderson, go for the Allen Room at the Time Warner Center. It is such a beautiful theater space. Sweeping views of Central Park West and the Columbus statue, light for days, majestic. Todd, a dude, proceeded to price everything around him including the stereo system, the cameras, the set furniture, and the chairs we sat on. "Anderson" show runners, if you ever need to sell anything, Todd knows the price off the top of his head!

Ready for some behind the scenes scoop about the "Anderson" show... Well, there really isn't any. The crew is top-notch. It was very relaxed and friendly. Todd and I didn't even wait on line very long. The other audience members (save for a few very special people) were all well dressed and normal.

Other than the copious amounts of Britney Spears the DJ played to warm up the audience, it was a pretty chill atmosphere. It was mostly women and gay men, and a few gay men who couldn't find anyone to go with them. I felt kinda bad for those guys alone at the taping until I realized I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to win... Anderson's love. Speaking of which, I had maybe underplayed my attraction to AC when talking about him with Todd to less than what it actually is.

I may have substituted the words "husband" and "in love with" for "journalist" and "I think he's OK, I guess". Like I said, for as much as I love Todd, he could never understand the bond Coop and I have.

Plus, Todd would totally make fun of it the way I make fun of the fact that he's in love with the T Mobile Girl.

That's why throughout the taping, I had to play it cool with how excited I was to see my husband for the very first time.

Finally, they announced that Anderson Cooper was going to come out onto the stage. We all stood up and out Andy came! ... He's so little! Girl, eat a cheeseburger, you're wasting away! Okay, I have to be honest with you all. Andy Coop is not a large man. He's actually quite small. As with most people I've seen in person who I usually see on TV, he looks exactly the same except more, um, in person. Mostly, he's face and arms as he wears his shirts tight across the everything (he claims he just "knows how a shirt is supposed to fit"). Now, I know you guys know that I prefer a man the size of a car or a small house, but by saying AC is small is by no means saying that I'm not attracted to him.

For 40+ years old, homeboy is fit and spry and those piercing blue eyes are deadly, especially in person. They had the entire audience of 200 or so straight women and gay men on the edge, and let me tell you, some of those people--the women especially--jumped off. The women in Anderson's audience were aggressive to say the least. They came for some Andy meat and they weren't leaving until they were satisfied. Women screamed his name at him like they knew him.

One lady asked him to put on his glasses, which when he did, it elicited a pre-orgasmic moan out of every 42-year-old mom in the place.

Anderson was very open and warm throughout. He signed books and let people ask a lot of questions, which led to my run-in, but we're not there yet. At this time, before the taping was to officially begin, I was calm but a little eager to speak to my husband. I kept looking at Todd and saying I wondered who was going to be on the dating episode like I was emailed about.


Todd looked back at me.

"Uh, I just saw Warren Jeffs' face. I don't think this episode is about dating..."

True. The light, carefree show taping I expected stopped being nice and started getting real when we all realized we were at the Former Members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints taping, which was a slightly different tone than I anticipated. That's OK. It's just my man trying to keep me on my toes. Thank God I didn't answer any of those questions the audience girl sent. That would have been embarrassing.

The taping itself was very interesting. Anderson is of course a talented interviewer and was very involved in the production of the show, running around, jumping into the crowd to hand the microphone to people for questions, working with producers. I don't know why I was expecting an out-of-touch prima donna, but he was far from it. Of course I should have known my baby would care. Anyway, it is around this time that I'm getting antsy. I wanted my moment to talk to Anderson. Todd, realizing this, kept glancing at me out of the corner of his eye.

"Don't even think about it," he mouthed.


For some reason, Todd was born without the desire to be a star, which as you know, is my number one modus operandi in life. All through the taping, I kept my hand down... okay, downish, while other people got the chance to talk and be close with my husband. Todd said he didn't want to be on camera or call attention to us sitting in the corner. Excuse me, then you don't have to accept the television contract they offer us after I ask my amazing question, okay?

Finally, the taping ended, the guests were escorted off the stage, Andy did some TV stuff he had to do, and then he said there was enough time for a few final questions. The ladies subsequently lost their collective sh!t and hands shot up. I realized that now was my last chance to have a moment with Anderson. Much to Todd's dismay, my hand shot up. Anderson answered a few more questions and finally looked toward my side of the studio and saw my hand raised.

I would just like to take a minute to acknowledge the fact that Mr. Anderson Hays Cooper looked at me, recognized that I too was a human being, and picked me (Full Disclosure: I was the only one with my hand raised) to speak to.

Goose-f*cking-bumps.


Okay, I spent most of the past hour coming up with what I was going to say.

I settled on a question that was both honest and something of a joke, to show Coop that I could be serious and funny like him. My question, in full, the way I actually intended it was: "Given that you are working both at CNN and this show, there couldn't possibly be more that you want to do, is there?" Get how it's kind of a joke and kind of a question? It's like "Haha, you're so busy, and what are your plans for the future with me?"

Anderson calls on me (I love typing that), and I start to say the question/joke. Things are going well. He's kinda walking to the front of the stage so we're not face to face but it's fine. He's still with me. The audience is kind of with me, but I forsake them because this is not about them. I get to the "...both at CNN and this show..." part of the question/joke, and I am interrupted.

Anderson Cooper interrupts me.

He says (and this is so freakin' true it hurts)... he says "You know I also do 60 Minutes..." Then, the audience, on his side of course, starts laughing. We'll talk about what he said in a second, but what struck me in the moment was Anderson Cooper just ruined the f*cking momentum of my joke and stole my laughs!

My joke was structured in a way so that you had the setup, and the admittedly weak punchline. This guy took the setup, expanded it, flipped it and turned it into his own punchline and he was killing with it. I got so winded by the sheer speed of his joke telling skillz that I literally whispered the rest because A) no one could hear me over the crowd laughing and B) Anderson had gotten the gist of what I was trying to say and was having none of it.

As he walked to the stage, he added something to the effect of "But yes, I would also like to do an ice show at some point..." Bigger laughs. Me? Silence.

He then thanked everyone for coming and left the stage. I leaned back in my stool. OMG. Anderson Cooper and I just had our first fight in front of a live studio audience.

I turned to Todd for solace.

He was just shaking his head held low. "I told you not to ask a question," Todd whispered. "You just got owned by Anderson Cooper in front of a hundred people."

I looked back, "Todd, why are all my relationships like this? I just try to do something simple and funny and get sh!tted on."

"I told you not to ask a question..."

So Todd and I left the beautiful Allen Room and went and had Chipotle, which was delicious. Oh, and every time Todd sees Anderson Cooper on TV, he texts me to remind me how Anderson owned me in front of a hundred people. The only thing I want to say about that is...

ANDERSON, I KNEW YOU DID 60 MINUTES, OKAY!

I know you do all these shows and are thin and beautiful and a Vanderbilt and have three homes and more money than Jesus and have celebrity friends and are American royalty! There's no need to rub it in my face! It just wasn't relevant for my question/joke, which you never actually answered, but it's fine! I'm leaving, and we are so not having sex tonight, okay, buddy!

Question Time: Have you seen Anderson's new talk show "Anderson" yet? What were your impressions? Considering that I'm never gonna be allowed to go back ever again after this, do you want to go to a taping and/or would you? Now that AC and I are in an active fight, whose side are you on? Are you Team Anderson (boo) or Team Junior (yeah!)? When should I expect apology flowers and an invitation to Nobu from AC? How great will our make-up sex be?

How beautiful is the Allen Room? I know, right?!

We should have had our wedding there...