Juice with Junior

You guys know that I have been dating CNN newsman and person of distinction and excellent breeding Anderson Cooper (in my head) for quite some time now. Coop, as I call him because he is my boyfriend and he loves it, doesn't like to talk much about his private life, but dating me has been something of an open secret in the ultra-exclusive circles of which he and I frequent. It's an open secret like how we all know Oprah is Jesus God Incarnate or how Wolf Blitzer's is an actual wolf, but don't say anything.

That makes today extra special.

Today, I'm pulling back the veil to announce… I have to do it because Coop is busy doing something newsy and important that generally affects lives… And the thing is that very soon, Coop and I will be getting married in New York City! I know! Thank you. Seriously, thank you. It's too much. It will be a simple (completely fictional) affair attended by 1,200 of our closet friends and family that will probably shut down all of Manhattan when it occurs, much like Kate & Wills did in London except our wedding will be a little more understated. For example, we're not having a horse-drawn carriage because we recognize that these are difficult financial times for many people. Instead, we will take Bentleys. Used Bentleys.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

First, I have to say a big thank you to all my friends in Albany who supported and then approved gay marriage in the state. I think it is the domino that will begin the slow and steady approvals of gay marriage in other states (and eventually the federal government). While gay people as a whole have a lot of other hurdles to jump over before society stops treating us like the Undesired (when we've been here the whole time!), this is a very positive first step, particularly and most importantly because it paves the way for Coop and I to get married in the state that we were both born in.

See, doesn't this just feel right?

Enough with all that, you wanna talk wedding details?! Okay, now I know some of you have already taken out your day planners and Smartphones to block off the weekend of our wedding, and I can't blame you. It's going to be the wedding of the decade. If I wasn't in it, I wouldn't miss it. But Coop and I haven't chosen the exact date yet. We're still waiting to see when Oprah/Jesus will be free (she's officiating) and there was something about the skywriters who will spell out "Junior + Andy 4EVAH!" in the clouds above the East River not being able to fly during hurricane season.

Whatevs. Not my problem. Regardless of these setbacks, we have most all of the other details mapped out so let me break it down for you so you'll know what to expect when you show up (IN FORMAL DRESS! Srsly, I will forcibly remove sloppy people.)

Okay, we're having a 5-day wedding.

Yes. Five days. Not everyone will be invited to every activity during the five days, so it is very important that you review your informational packet that will be sent along with your invitation.

Make a few copies of your itinerary and leave them around the house. Along with the wedding registry list. Coop & I are registered at Bloomingdales, Crate and Barrel, The Trevor Project for those crunchy granola types that want to give to charity in lieu of a gift (hate these people), and Kenneth Cole (the person, not the store). Okay, now the day-by-day details are below.


Day 1: 8 PM, Shower Dinner at The Four Seasons (above)

This low-key, 250-person event will officially begin the wedding week and celebrate the love that Coop and I share. Seared foie gras with a raspberry-star anise compote, sweet corn ravioli with rock shrimp and chanterelles, thai-barbecued chicken and a papaya salad with mango-chili sauce, and gorgonzola-crusted filet mignon on a bed of baby romaine and grilled onions will be served.

(p.s. this food is not a joke)

Day 2: 12 noon, Parents' and Grandparents' Lunch at The Russian Tea Room (left)

Where Coop and I explain what it means for two men to be in a relationship. And where Gloria Vanderbilt and my mother will compete for the title of "Who Can Be More Bougie?"

3 PM, Final Review of Wedding Day Itinerary with Preston Bailey, who is co-organizing the wedding with me

When I will make one final push for doves with bells on their feet that will be released when Coop and I are officially married to be included in the wedding.

For some reason, I've been getting a lot of push back about this.


8 PM, Anderson's Bachelor Party with Kathy Griffin (above) at the Top of the Rock in Rockefeller Center

Ending time: when I tell him to come home.

Day 3: 12 noon, Signing of the Marriage License at City Hall, light reception to follow

2 PM, Final Wedding Party Suit and Dress Fitting at The Men's Store at Saks Fifth Avenue on 5th Avenue, light reception to follow

6 PM, Marathon Work-Out Session at David Barton

To work off the weight I gained from two "light receptions".


10 PM, My Bachelor Party at Barracuda (above)

Ending time: TBD.

Day 4: 12 noon, Family Wedding Guest Barbecue at Sylvia's in Harlem (right)

Another opportunity to explain what it means for two men to be in a relationship. This one's gotta stick. Plus, I wanted them to close 125th Street so we could all play tennis and have picnics, but again, more push back.

6 PM, Wedding Rehearsal in the Central Park Tent (the one on the Great Lawn that they're constructing solely for the wedding, oh I didn't tell you. They're building a tent just for the wedding...)

9 PM, Rehearsal Dinner at Nobu 57

I will not be eating anything as I will have to be poured into my Hugo Boss tuxedo otherwise.

11 PM, Friends-Only Pre-Wedding Slumber Party! at The Pierre, where I will be staying the whole week in a suite because I want to.

This is the last chance opportunity for anyone in the wedding party to sleep with anyone else in the wedding party. Here's looking at you two, Kathy Griffin and LL Cool J.


Day 5: The Wedding!

Six PM, Central Park

The day will begin with Coop and I getting ready at our separate hotels (he's staying at The Peninsula to be "one with the people," whatever that means) with our respective wedding parties. My party includes maid of honor Pippa Middleton, matron of honor Zoe Saldana, best man John Cena (whose tuxedo is sleeveless), and flower children the Jolie-Pitt children (led by Zahara natch). His party includes matrons of honor Kelly Ripa and NeNe Leakes, and best man Kathy Griffin.

We will arrive at the giant tent in the middle of Central Park in our USED Bentleys separately and greet guests separately because we can't see each other before the wedding. Mostly because I may rip his clothes off prior to the wedding, and his Prada suit is crazy expensive.

Now is a good time as any to mention some of the people who will be attending the wedding: New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo and Food Network host and slightly first lady Sandra Lee. Beyonce and Jay-Z. I plan on sending Gwyneth Paltrow an invitation just to disinvite her the day of the wedding. Chris Martin. Jennifer Hudson plus husband. Tina Fey plus husband. Neil Patrick Harris plus husband. Kate Hudson plus baby daddy. Rachel Maddow, Diane Sawyer, Batista, and The Rock (who will all sit together). Wilson Cruz. Kathie Lee Griffin plus a bottle of Pinot. John Cho. RuPaul. The hats Beatrice and Eugenie wore to the Royal Wedding. Meryl Streep and Amanda Lepore (who will sit together). Michael Musto. Chelsea Handler. Andre Leon Talley. I plan on sending Anna Wintour an invitation just to disinvite her the day of the wedding. Grace Jones. Christopher Meloni plus wife I guess. Dan Choi. Tilda Swinton plus whomever the f*ck she wants. And Liza Minnelli (left), because it wouldn't be a New York gay wedding without Liza Minnelli. And of course anyone Coop wants to invite, but not too many because I can't cut from my list. Because everyone is important, Coop!

Moving on. All 1,200 guests arrive and take their seats under a massive iridescent tent lit from underneath with hundreds of softly glowing votive candles (we are working on the fire permit). Just picture days and days of white roses, hydrangeas, calla lilies, white lilacs, everywhere. At the front of the tent there's a giant white gazebo with a big white throne where Oprah will sit before the ceremony (similar to the one she sits in in heaven!). There's white lace for days, gauzy white patterns, softly blowing curtains; seriously, this gazebo looks straight out of a 1980s music video. Then, a little Pachelbel "Canon in D major" starts and the wedding party makes it's way up the center aisle. Slowly. Like we practiced at rehearsal everyone…

Then once all this sh*t is over (speed it up Ripa!), we get to the main event. The stereo system turns up. On either side of the gazebo, a curtain lifts and Coop and I see each other for the very first time. Coop instantly bursts into tears as his love is too great.

I maintain my composure because I can't risk looking puffy in the pictures. Then, off to the side, Enya appears singing "Anywhere Is" (right) and we, Coop and I, not Enya, start making our way toward the gazebo. Are you crying? Good. So Coop and I start walking in step toward the gazebo. When Enya hits the crescendo at the end, the "it's either this or that way" part, we clasp hands, I remind Coop that we are on camera, and dozens of white doves with bells on their feet fly from a compartment inside the gazebo! Why can't I be allowed to do this?! Don't you realize how beautiful that would be? Fine, some rose petals fall to the ground or something.

Whatever. Not as good.

So then the ceremony follows, and it's pretty standard. Oprah says a lot of things about unity and the children and love and living in the truth. I'm not really listening as I am staring at Coop thinking about all the dirty little… Anyway, the reception will follow and it'll be a lot of family and friends… Listen, Beyonce's going to perform, then Jennifer Hudson, then I was thinking about having Elton John play a white piano while members of Cirque de Soleil dance around him. I gotta flesh that idea out. I of course am going to sing "The Way You Look Tonight" and "The Very Thought of You" and "True" by Spandau Ballet and… okay, maybe I'm gonna do a set.


We'll have food by Wolfgang Puck of course, but he can't be given a microphone because he's distracting. And that'll pretty much be it. Except for the strippers. But that's a surprise!

We'll just dance the night away until Coop and I have to catch a plane for our honeymoon to Paris and Switzerland. And this all has to happen before his show starts!


So thank you New York State lawmakers for giving Coop and I the opportunity to legally in the eyes of the state and our god (Oprah) to unite in our love! It truly is a very beautiful thing.

Now, can I get an early show of hands as to who thinks they might be coming to the wedding? And the doves, little tiny bells won't hurt them that much, right? And who is your secret celebrity fiancé or fianceé, and when are you two getting gay married? Am I invited to the wedding?

Just kidding, I know I am.