Juice with Junior

I love this time of year.

Summer starts this month, you can (usually) leave your house in just a short sleeve shirt, or perhaps a tunic, and be comfortable. And this time of year gives me the excuse to wear my other favorite fashion accessory: a pair of sunglasses.

I F'ing love sunglasses.

Sunglasses, put 'em all on me dontcha wanna see these sunglasses on me... Sorry, for the love of Heidi Montag, I will never do that again. What was I talking about? Oh, I know. Sunglasses. I love them. I'm addicted to two things in life. If I was ever rich, my house would be filled to the brim with sunglasses and journal and pen sets, because one can never have too many sunglasses and journal and pen sets. A few summers ago, I literally bought 5 pairs of sunglasses and then promptly returned 5 pairs of sunglasses when I realized that I already owned 10 pairs of sunglasses I wasn't wearing at home. That's why for the past few years, I've decided to nix buying sunglasses only to lose them or break them, and instead be happy with the ones I have, the ones that fit my face.

That is until I went into Lens Crafters to get a new pair of real prescription glasses and saw a pair of Ray Bans (below, so pretty) that needed to be cradled in my bosom for all eternity.

And that's when I encountered my current dilemma: the sunglasses didn't fit my face.

So I put that pair down, although I really loved them and tried on another pair. None of them fit. Not a single pair of Ray Bans fit what I was slowly learning was a freakishly ginormous head that sat atop my shoulders. Each one was too tight, pinched at the ear, or the lenses (I seriously typed "eye holes" until I could remember the correct word) didn't align with my eyes.

What world had I been living in walking around thinking my head was normal sized when it is clearly large enough to have satellite moons orbiting its circumference?! So I decided to think back upon my glasses wearing years and figure out why none of these sunglasses fit.

I've always had a big head. That is well known. I've also always worn glasses, but what I came to understand was that the glasses I wore as a child must have been adult-sized glasses because child me had an already adult-sized head. Thus, when I grew up, and my head became the mammoth thing it is now, the sunglasses makers had nothing that could fit it. Okay, that's not exactly true. I have a pair of sunglasses now that I love. They're a pair of $12 no name aviators that I think I bought at a Hot Topic in the 90s, and despite my head also having a round chipmunk shape, which is also the shape of the aviators, they look nice on me.

So over the years, I ditched my other sunglasses in favor of this pair.

I may have coveted other sunglasses, which were curiously all aviator styled, but I kept the one pair of aviators I like. The problem is now the aviator style is so outdated. I want to look like John Slattery! I want to put on a pair of black, square Ray Ban sunglasses and walk down the street like I own it.

I will trip over something, I'm sure, but at least I'll own it for a little while. But no, I can't. Because of my big head. This is when I decided to turn my frown and see if they make sunglasses for big headed people like me. So I put in the same amount of effort as anyone doing research nowadays: I did a Google search.

"Sunglasses for people with big heads". Enter. Fatheadz Sunglasses. Well, um, that sounds accurate.

Let's take a look…


Ugh. These are worse than my aviators. And they're 4 times the price. The bridge on the nose is too wide. No, no, no, these will not work.

The next search result was for a website called Wide Sunglasses.com. Well that's certainly more respectful than Fatheadz. What do they got? I would like to now break from the story of this post to reprint, word for word, the first two paragraphs I saw from this website because they are both hilarious and heartbreakingly true:

"So you were born with a big head. You had no idea until one day you decided to buy sunglasses and then viola! you realized non [sic] of the readily avialable [sic] sunglasses will fit your big, gorgeous, homongous [sic] head. You are not alone. Infact [sic] there are thousands like you. According to google, over 5000 searches are made every month for people searching for the exact same thing you are searching for now. Before we get carried away, lets establish that you indeed have a gigantic head or face."

I do have a big head or face, snarky Wide Sunglasses.com person, I do! Anyway, the Wide Sunglasses place was simply selling what I believe are a one-size-fits-all pair of glasses that look like a cross between a virtual reality screen and those things you use to look directly at the sun with.

So not my style. That's when I decided to just go to the source, so I dialed up the Ray Ban web site, stared in desire for a bit, and typed in "big head" into the search engine…


Don't I know it.

So I guess this means my dream of looking like James Dean (left) minus the me being black and not a beautiful dead movie star, which are all minor details, will never happen. Or will it?

I have a whole blog network out there (this is slightly exaggerated) who may have big heads and may need sunglasses too! You heard what the Wide Sunglasses.com person said… "5000 searches"!

Someone out there has to have found a pair of nice looking glasses for big-headed people! So that's what I want to know!

Do you have a big head?!

And have you found a pair of Ray Bans or Ray Ban style sunglasses that fit your ginormous head? If so, where did you get them and how much did they cost and where can I get them? No pressure.

I'm convinced I'll find a pair that fit and the fad will be over. It's just my luck.