Juice with Junior

Like the rest of the world, I am in deeply, madly, head over heels in love with Pippa Middleton (right). If you don't know who I'm talking about, you need to click here and stay there for the rest of your day because I can't deal with you right now.

Not knowing who the gorgeous, cosmopolitan sister of Kate Middleton, Queen of England and the World and Glamour is a crime as far as I'm concerned.

She's that amazeballs. I, also like the rest of the world, came to know Pippa, which I call her because I am in love, after the April 29th Royal Wedding of Prince William and Catherine of United Kingdom fame, when she both looked amazing in Alexander McQueen and looked amazing while managing not to get thrown up on by a bunch of little children (royal children with weak constitutions at that!)

Now, there was much to be distracted by at that wedding: Prince Harry's hotness. HATS! Prince Harry talking waaaay too much. TREES! James Middleton's speaking voice. THE QUEEN! Prince Bill's nervous laugh. Camilla looking comfortable for once. catherinemiddletonIguesswhatever.

But the real star of the wedding was Pippa. Now, she's an international celebrity and my new person of interest. Why? Because she's beautiful, related to royalty, doesn't have a job (or does she? the fact that it doesn't matter is fantastic!), and gets to bash around London from now until eternity doing whatever the F she wants with whomever she wants. Basically, this girl is living the life that I asked Jesus for when I was 12. He gave it to the wrong person! But instead of getting jeals, as would be my natural reaction, I can't help but love Pippa, which is why I've instituted "Pippa Watch" at the blog.

It is a highly sophisticated (me logging onto Yahoo) piece of equipment that will track Pippa's movements and report on anything noteworthy that she does that we all need to know.

Like "Pippa Woke Up Today!" or "Pippa Stubbed Her Toe! Send Flowers to Pippa!" You may wonder why I created this machinery for a person I've never met. The answer would be because I have this secret hope that Pippa sees this, falls in love with me, and I get to be her boyfriend/best friend, move to London Proper, and try on her clothes. Or basically become George Percy. Side note: click Percy's name and read that article. It is important that you know who all of Pippa's friends are.

It is also important that we decide who has the most British sounding name in that article. My vote goes to the genius of "Alice St. John Webster". Whomever created that is excellent.


Okay, today's Pippa Watch item is that appar Pips has broken up with her boyfriend Alex Loudon (above). As I am Pippa's new best friend, this event automatically means that Alex Loudon is now my boyfriend. It's like when the Vice President becomes President if something happens to the President. It's automatic. Oh, I forgot to mention that while I'm dating Pippa, I will also be dating men.

British men. A lot of them. Pippa understands because we're cool like that. I am also totally wearing one of her scarves when we go out tonight. Cause we're like this. *crosses fingers* Kisses.

Anyway, this event is super important because it A) means that any man standing next to Pippa automatically becomes a love interest (see Percy right, sunglasses will never look that good on me) and that B) the path is clear for her to marry Prince Harry, which will happen regardless of how much they each try to fight it.

Okay, it's Question Time: How much do you love Pippa? There is only one acceptable answer to this question. How much did you love The Royal Wedding? I seriously can't remember a time when more people were just filled with plain old happiness. I think the last time was when we had that National Party for Obama becoming president. I thought the national party was gonna become a weekly thing, and then everyone was all "What about the economy?"

Whatever. Lastly, how much do you want me to change my name to Junior Archer Westmoreland III when I move to London? Because I have the paperwork right here, I just need official approval...