I watched the movie "
The Invasion" (clip at right) a few weeks ago on
AMC and thought it was pretty good. I mean
Daniel Craig's in it and he's easy on the eyes, but past that, overall I thought the movie was definitely not that bad. It's all about a disease turning people into zombies, you know, an
update to the classic. Not typically my kind of movie but I needed something to watch one lazy afternoon. Anyway, as I was watching, I realized the movie actually paralleled my life in an unexpected and interesting way. See, as I've recently come to discover, I am just like
Nicole Kidman in that movie, but instead of running away from zombies, I'm running away from
falling in love with heterosexual men. I'll explain.
Everyone is heterosexual. Everyone.
EVERYONE. I am the last gay man alive. I'm The Gay. Like
Margaret Cho says, "I have to do the Pride Parade all by myself." Now, you may be reading this thinking "Junior, I'm gay" and I thank you for the support but you don't have to try and make me feel better. I know I'm the Last Gay, and there's nothing anyone can do bout it... What I mean by saying this is that I'm the last
single gay man alive and, for some reason, everyone around me right now is straight. Your furrowed brow indicates to me that you'd like further explanation. Okay... Guys, I wanted to give you an
update since the last time we talked about my failing love life and hoped that if I let enough time go by, I'd have something really juicy to report to you. I hoped that if I made it interesting enough, you would forgive these little detours into my personal life on the blog as I know they are less interesting than anything on TV or movies we could talk about. You do like these personal stories, right? Note that by saying "no," I may eat my weight's worth in chocolate because of the low self-esteem, so try not to say "no."
ANYWAY, I wanted to make the story interesting for you guys but f#ck no, that doesn't seem like it'll be a possibility. Instead, you will all be pleased to know that all the men on my previous "dateable" list are now off the list
(except one, which we'll discuss) and that the other men I tried to replace them with have also decided that they'd rather not be on the list as well. All this makes the idea of a "list" pretty ridiculous but let's keep using it anyway. Do you want to know the main reason why every man is off my list?
They're all straight. As in heterosexual. As in
this.
Okay, maybe not all of them, but most of them are and I'm slowly being driven insane by this fact.
Is no one gay anymore!? You want proof. Here's your proof: Bucky, got a girlfriend. She came into the store. She's a curvy thing with an attitude and I actually like her a lot. She's a lot smarter than he is. Also, he shot me in the neck with a rubber band one night after the store closed, so he's off the list.
I said that to my bestie and she said "Why did he shoot you in the neck with a rubber band?"
"Because we were having a rubber band fight and I got him in the arm. He said he wasn't aiming for my neck, but that's where he hit me."
"Um, Junior," my bestie said after a long pause. "You realize you're having childish play fights with cute boys you work with who are like 10 years younger than you, right?"
"I know I need a real job."
So Bucky's out, along with all of his little friends that our store manager hired so she could have something young and buff to look at while she walked the sales floor. See, I wouldn't even be talking about this if it weren't for the fact that these are the main guys I see all day and
THEY ALL FLIRT WITH ME LIKE A HOUSE ON FIRE! Okay, I think I'm pretty gay. Even if you just started working at the store and I hadn't told you I was into dudes and you hadn't heard it through the rumor mill yet, I think it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that I like d!ck. Yet, these straight men, pretty much all straight men I've encountered in my life, flirt with me like it's an OK thing to do.
IT'S NOT AN OK THING TO DO, GUYS!!! Not cool.
For example, we have this new worker there named Eli. He looks like a younger, shorter version of
Matt Damon (left). When I met him, after I got over my mandatory "Talk like an incoherent baby for 10 seconds after seeing an attractive man" phase, I started flirting because
that's what I do when I'm around attractive men because I'm a gay man, it's kinda what we do. And Eli started flirting back. He even touched me on the shoulder. I was ready to add him to the list when I talked to him a few days after that and the "girlfriend" bomb dropped into the conversation and I had to shut the entire situation down. I was like Nicole in "Invasion"... No not you! Get away from him! Alright, before I continue, I can feel your reactions and I have an answer to that question. I know you're all thinking that my obvious problem is that I keep hitting on the closest straight men near me and that maybe I need to start finding gay men who would be attracted to me to talk to. You'd be correct except for the other problem I've had all my life that I'm running into like a brick wall...
I do not get along with gay men.
Now, I know there are a lot of you who read the blog who are gay and are friendly with me and I thank you for both reading the blog and being gay as well as being my friend when I need it.
Your heart is true, your a pal and a confidant. But let me break it down for you,
I currently have no close gay male friends. None. I know a few gay men I could call and maybe have a somewhat pleasant conversation if we both tried, but I have no gay buddies to go out with and talk shop with. This is because throughout my life, I've had trouble getting along with gay men. Something about me rubs them the wrong way and they honestly want nothing to do with me. It's like when sometimes girls talk about not getting along with other girls, except most of the time when straight girls say this, it doesn't matter because they have sex with men. I have sex with gay men which makes this problem particularly distressing. I can't really work around it.
It started when I was a kid and my best gay friend was named Derek
(his actual name, I didn't change it. It's been 10 years since we stopped being friends so if he has a problem with it, he can just come find me) and he tried to molest me one night while I was at his house watching an episode of "
ER." I had just spent an hour telling him a story of how one of the popular jocks at my school named Anthony
(and no, they weren't all named Anthony) actually talked to me that day and how excited I was
(Anthony was also straight, sensing a pattern yet?). Derek proceeded to start rubbing my feet. I didn't think anything because we'd been friends since first grade and who turns down a free foot rub. Then he said something like "You could think I was Anthony the whole time" and I shot my foot away from his hand so fast you would have thought his hand was a hot plate. "We've been friends since elementary school! I can't sleep with you!" I screamed putting my shoes back on and hightailing it outta there. He later went onto to seeing a whole string of losers, including a man shaped like a marshmallow and a pedophile
(no joke). That was the beginning of the end for me. Every since, I have not been able to keep a friendship or relationship with a gay man afloat for more than a year. It's not that I think they're all trying to sleep with me. It's just that we never connect so that we're on the same wavelength. They're thinking one thing, and I'm so not.
For another example, I had a gay friend named Justin
(also his real name, oh and um, f#ck you Justin!) who was actually a good friend for a while in my earlier 20s. But for some reason, as time went on, he started becoming really catty toward me and eventually, I had to end it. One time, he, two of our friends who were girls, and I were waiting for a table at one of my favorite restaurants in Manhattan,
Cafeteria in Chelsea, when one of the girls had to go to the bathroom. She didn't know the restaurant and asked if I would show her how to get to the bathrooms because the place was kinda crowded. So I turned to Justin and our other friend and said "I'm gonna show Regina how to get to the bathrooms." For some reason, Justin then said he was coming with me and our other friend didn't want to wait at the bar alone. So we all make it to the narrow bathroom aisle and Regina goes in. While we're waiting, this cute guy comes up to me and asks if I'm waiting for the men's bathroom. I say no but that it is occupied. We saw a skinny Asian man enter a second ago. As the cute guy waits, he starts flirting with me
HARD. He's asking why I'm standing here. I say I'm protecting my friend in the bathroom. He asks if I'll protect him. I say I'll keep you covered. He's laughing. Things are going well.
Finally our friend comes out of the bathroom at the same time the small Asian man does, so cute guy goes into the bathroom. As the four of us walk over to our table we finally got, Justin leans over to me and whispers "Oh that guy you were flirting with at the bathrooms is sitting with a bunch of other guys and I think one of them is his boyfriend. Sorry but you won't have luck there..." and he proceeds to start reviewing the menu.
I looked back at him like this...
It was by far one of the nastiest things anyone has ever said to me. Justin didn't know the cute guy, and clearly we were flirting. Who the f#ck was he to say who I would and would not have luck with?! Justin and I were not friends shortly after this. I have other stories, but I'll spare you. Basically, for the past couple of weeks, if the man I'm interested in happens to be even a little gay, the flame has died fantastically. Walker flaked out on me. My bestie keeps saying that Matt, who throws parties at his house every 20 minutes, wants me to come by but I have yet to hear Matt actually say this to me directly. Oooh, Monday, just Monday, I was with my bestie at the "Drag Race" party and a gay friend we both have known forever starts talking to my bestie and not me like he's never met me before. I turned to my bestie "I do not get along with gay men. I said 'hi' and did you see how Sam just pretended like he didn't understand my version of English. It's always been like that." Online hasn't proven to break this track record any either...
After Walker decided that enough was enough, I started talking to not one, but
TWO new gentlemen who seemed to have their heads on straight and our conversations on
OK Cupid were good. They both even said they'd like to have drinks with me. I ran to my bestie with the good news and she immediately drove us to the nearest
Macy's to pick out china patterns (below). I told her I had to get married in a barn in Iowa.
She began planning her workout regimen to fit into the bridesmaid dress. Well then a week went by. One of the gentlemen I could tell was a flake and he did indeed flake out. It didn't matter anyway because I was hitting it off with Jason, the other guy. Jason was older than I at 44, shared a slight resemblance to
Edward Norton, and was very sexual in his conversations with me. Very flirtatious. I thought this was a good sign. He didn't live in the NYC area but told me he was frequently there for work and would I like to have drinks the next time he was in town? I said yes. My bestie had names for our adopted children ready to go. Then another few weeks went by. When I would sign onto the site and see he was on, he wouldn't message me, so it became that I was the one messaging him when our relationship had started the opposite way. Things did not blossom from this point forward as you prolly guessed. This was our final conversation.
I said to him "Hey, is that offer for drinks still on the table because I'm interested?" He said "Sure." I replied, "So when will you be in New York next so I can make plans?" He said and I could just feel the unwillingness seep through the computer screen, "Well, I'll be there in a week for business. Is that good enough for you?" I looked at the screen, "
Is that good enough for you?" You messaged me. You flirted with me.
YOU ASKED ME OUT! And the moment I call you on it, I get a "Is that good enough for you?" like you're confirming a reservation on a rental car.
WTF TO INFINITY! To add insult to injury, at the same time I get an instant message from some random man who I've never talked to before who had the nerve to be both rocking a comb over and live on Long Island and this was the extent of our relationship...
Him: Hi.Me: Hi, how are you? (Editor's Note: This is me being nice. I want to know about your feelings. Continue.)Him: I'm good.Him: Describe everything about yourself in five words.Him: Go.Me: Are you serious?Him: That was three words.Me: How about you do it first?Him: Sweet. Kind. Funny. Sexual. Carefree. Now you.Me: [Long Pause] Ditto.[User has signed off] So I had a little breakdown.
Is it me? Am I too abrasive/ugly/cold/dead inside that no gay man can see fit to actually want to have a normal relationship with me on any level? Do I want to come off as Gidget but I was really Omarosa to gay men?My bestie once asked me if I always flirted with straight men because I had some like fetish for them, like I wanted to turn them, flip them, or I saw them as a challenge. I can honestly tell you right now that I don't have a fetish for straight men
AT ALL. I have a fetish for men who flirt with me and right now
STRAIGHT MEN ARE THE ONLY MEN FLIRTING WITH ME! Which brings us back to our "Invasion" analogy from earlier in the class. So as I said I had a mini-breakdown and um, actually bought porn.
AND I NEVER "BUY" PORN EVER! But I don't have a car so I couldn't go and buy cake so I found the next best thing. Anyway, you know your romantic life is going down the drain when the only man that calls you is Jim from Bank of America Credit Card Services asking, and I quote, "We just saw an odd charge on your credit card account for $14.95
(my personal porn purchasing limit mind you) from a CGGCTX Video Services and we wanted to make sure you had approved that purchase."
"Yes, Jim, it was me. It was an... online purchase. I approve."
"Well, thank you for using the card. Is there anything else I can help you with today?"
"No Jim. Not over the phone."
(p.s. Charlie is still a mystery wrapped in a riddle. A girl came into the store for him a few days ago but they did not embrace or touch or even talk long so it could have been his sister. Plus, we flirted later that... What am I saying, that's not a reliable indicator, as we've just discussed. Charlie is still on the list. Charlie and Anderson Cooper natch.)
(p.s.s. I in no way mean to offend any heterosexuals by comparing you to zombies. You are not zombies. You are however all around me trying to steal my soul with your smiles and kind words and playful touches when we speak so you get what I mean...)
