Juice with Junior

We talked about this at length in the "Looking Fine in 2009" blog theme, so you guys know that I have lost some weight. During the theme, I lost about 8 pounds. What you may not know is that after the theme ended, I have managed to lose another 15-20 pounds. I know, I'm thrilled about it too. I'm only about 20 pounds away from my goal weight. The last twenty are always the hardest so I'm not stressing out about them now.

None of this really has anything to do with this post except that I'm now thinking ahead to what new clothes I'm gonna buy when my bills are paid and I have lost the weight I want to wear the clothes I want. I've decided to wait until the summer to buy anything because my bestie is planning a birthday extravaganza in Las Vegas and I'm invited! I have already managed to take over her trip and turn it into a trip to "Las Gayvas."

What is the difference between Las Vegas and Las Gayvas? Basically none, except I'm Nomi Malone (left) and the city is my swimming pool I have wild sex in (NSFW). That and glitter, which begs the question... Whatever shall I wear to Las Gayvas? Um, do I even have a choice?! Slutty shirts, of course! You know, those t-shirts that are too small so they cling to your body like Spandex, and they have sayings on them like "Tight End" or "F#ck Me I'm Irish." You have to wear slutty shirts in Las Gayvas! But then I realized, with my new weight loss and a Gayvas trip that meant I could and should wear slutty shirts all summer long. That's when, in the middle of the mall with my bestie, I proclaimed Summer of 2010 to be the Summer of Slutty Shirts!

I plan on wearing shirts so slutty that I make Snooki look classy. Now I know there are some of you who are like, "Junior, but you are relatively classy. You don't sleep around, you take pride in your appearance. If you're not a slut, why wear a slut's uniform?" Okay, I get your point, but A) I haven't been thin enough to carry off a slutty shirt in quite some time and B) I don't talk about it much, but I used to wear slutty t-shirts all the time.

My favorite was this t-shirt I bought at my college store once.


It was one of those sports team shirts, except this one was for the wrestling team. What was that? You can already see where this is going. Well, let me tell the story anyway. So the t-shirt was for the wrestling team, but it was in the clearance bin. I lifted it up like "Why is this t-shirt in the clearance... Oh my God, that is the most graphic t-shirt image I've ever seen!" Seriously, these shirts were discounted because the image of "wrestling" they decided to put on the shirt literally looked like two men having sex.

Naturally, I bought one.

Then I wore it once and washed it, and it shrunk! Naturally, I kept wearing it. Lemme tell you, this was when I was in college so my body was poppin' and when I put on that shirt that was impossibly too tight with that dirty a$$ picture on the front, I never received more sexual advances in my entire life. Then, I left the shirt at someone's house (do not ask)! People, I'm twenty *hhhaaachooo* years old, this may be the last year I have to wear a slutty t-shirt and get away with it! We all know my metabolism is gonna go any day now and I'm gonna blow up like one of those people that eat 33,000 calories a day.

Editor's Note: I would love to eat 33,000 calories a day, I'm such a fattie at heart. But after like 2,000 calories, my stomach says "no more" in a very unfortunate way. Moving on.

Where was I in the story? Oh, okay so I'm in the mall with my bestie when I proclaim that this summer is the Summer of Slutty Shirts. Belly buttons will be exposed. The limits of stretch cotton will be tested. I have a new body; It's time to show the world! So my bestie and I go in search of slutty shirts and head to some stores. Then I discovered a problem with my slutty shirt plan. Did you know slutty t-shirts are expensive?! I had no idea!

My bestie and I were in our second home, Target looking at the men's shirts, and they were all $16.99 or $14.95 FOR ONE SHIRT! Excuse me! I once bought a non-slutty shirt from Old Navy that was 75 cents (this is SO true, head to the clearance rack in the back, crap be discounted!), I don't want to go broke trying to look like a skank. Shouldn't I be making money while looking like a skank?! I was starting to feel like my slutty shirt summer dream would not come true! I couldn't spend 17 bucks on something that would prolly be ripped off of me by a drunken sailor in the middle of the night (if I'm lucky!). Seventeen bucks is like food for a week where I come from!

To distract me, my bestie said "Let's just go to Kohl's and I can look for work pants while you figure out your shirt situation."

So off to Kohl's we went, and while my bestie looked for non-slutty work slacks, I tried to think of a way to solve my shirt problem... I'm not gonna make them. I'm not gonna buy a size small and wash it... Wait a second, what is this over here? No I couldn't. No. I shouldn't. It's not right. I'd never get away with it. Could I? Dare I...

I'm gonna look in the...



Okay, I have to stop here because here's where I could get into trouble. I went to the Boys Section TO SHOP FOR T-SHIRTS TO WEAR MYSELF. Not to keep them for some unknown reason and certainly not for boys themselves. I had to say it because someone I'm sure would read something wrong in this post and I'll be in jail or having to tell my neighbors my name is on a list. Even knowing the warning bells of being a single man in the boys section... alone... I went anyway...

Now, I know I'm going to hell, you don't have to tell me twice, but when I was looking through Kohl's Boys section, it smacked me so hard that because children are fat nowadays, I could totally fit into a boys extra large, and prolly even a large. And it would be tight. It would be nipple-showing tight, which I think is the sluttiest you can get without just being naked. Actually, nudity is less slutty than these.

And the shirts were cheap! $5.99! $7.99! $8.99! I even convinced my bestie to take a peek and consider shopping in the Boys section, which she realized is a fantastic idea although it is easier for her to be alone in that area, you know why...

Does anyone else do this, shop in the Boys section for slutty shirts to wear on a trip to Las Gayvas? Do you approve of my goal of making this summer the Summer of Slutty Shirts? Or should I keep it classy like I do now?

And if that's what you think about the classy thing, know that I'll be ignoring you. Junior's gotta have it!

When we come back, I hope to have some pictures of what inadvertently slutty shirts I found in the Boys section at Kohl's and other stores and how many I ripped when trying them on. I'm gonna be such a skank come June!

I can't wait!

Alright, Vogue, I'm back again... Well, well, well, you had a good run of actually including some diversity in your covers last year, but it seems that we're back to you guys not only not being inclusive but also being totally out of touch with who should be on your cover in the first place. Now I don't like having this conversation as much as you do but Vogue is an institution. It's muthaf#cking Vogue, and if you won't run it right, I will!

How can you improve? First, you need to put Zoe Saldana on the cover next month. NEXT MONTH! Now I can hear you whispering, "Junior just wants all the dark girls on the magazine cover..." But that's not it. I think there are a lot of actresses and models of all colors that should be on the cover with Zoe at the top of the very long list of people who actively ignore:

Penelope Cruz. Meryl Streep. Emma Watson (better than Blake Lively IMO). Paula Patton. Ziyi Zhang (whaa! an actual Asian!)...

Do you know who I don't think should be on the cover?



Could someone, anyone at Vogue HQ explain to me how Jessica "My Teeth Will Soon Take Over the World" Biel got a cover before Zoe Saldana!!!! HOW DOES THAT EVEN EQUATE?!!!! HOW! What? Because she's the 42nd lead in "Valentine's Day"? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!

Let's rundown a few, just a few of Saldana's many credentials:


She's the only female lead in the "Star Trek" reboot (above), a wildly successful film series... She's starred in just as many successful and probably a few more successful films than Biel, and oh, what is it that I'm forgetting. Whatever could it be...?


Oh I know! PLAYING THE LEAD CHARACTER IN ONLY THE MOST SUCCESSFUL FILM EVER MADE OF ALL TIMES!!!! "Avatar" (above). Seriously. No cover.

Now I don't have a problem if Vogue wants to put only actresses on their covers, and I don't care even if they sometimes pick someone who is less than relevant, like Rachel McAdams (below) who really wasn't the memorable part of "Sherlock Holmes"...


Wow, that's a lot of makeup.

Anyway, Vogue, if you are working on correcting this problem, then please forgive this message and continue about your plans. However, if as I suspect, you are NOT planning on putting Saldana on your next cover, I'm telling you that you will officially lose all relevance and merit in my book.

And don't give me that you don't think a dark girl on the cover can sell magazines. I will personally buy like 80 copies if you put Saldana on the cover... And just to make sure you have no excuse to not put her on the cover, I have taken it upon myself to make a mock-up of what a cover could look like should you choose to run one...


Vogue this is the last time I want to have a conversation with you about this. I expect that you will get on the horn, call up Saldana's people and make it happen! FOR NEXT MONTH! That is all...

What about you? Do you want Saldana to get Vogue coverage? Or are you a little worried they'd choose a picture that would actually make her look not radiant, if that's possible...? Do emote! And if you have any MS Paint Saldana covers, do share!

Sweater: United Colors of Benetton; $40

This is kind of an old picture... I have since lost another 15 or so pounds so ignore the rolls and rolls of fat that are clearly pouring out of the photo and onto your computer keyboards... but I wanted to post it because in it is the sweater I'm having a problem with. See, I kind of love this sweater.

I found it at a Benetton outlet store on sale years ago and I always wanted an argyle so I was pleased. I did have to start wearing v-neck shirts but I didn't mind. Anyway, the problem is that I have discovered a pretty large hole under the left armpit that is kinda noticeable, from space.

Plus, due to repeated washings, the fabric is a little frayed. The question to you is: do I bother with a needle and thread and some Woolite or do I just throw in the towel and by that I mean use the sweater as a towel? Are we liking it enough to save it or are you over it?

Okay, first of all, hello everyone! It's been a little while since I had time to sit and chat with you. May I say that you look great! Love your hair that way. Want me to get to it? Okay, so this is STYLE WEEK and the reason it is is because I've found myself gravitating to a lot of fashion and style related things recently and thought what better thing than to package them all in one wham-bam week of fashion!

Exactly, I can see you agree... Now, are you working your model face? And do you have your strutting music playing? Good. Then we can begin.

So I chose Alek Wek for The Sunday Swoon yesterday because I saw her on "Videofashion Daily" on Sunday night on one of the 842 PBS stations we have in the metro New York area. Now you may be like, um, Junior, you're a gay man, you watched "Videofashion," sounds stereotypically correct to me... Well, you don't even understand Mr. Man because I have lived without fashion coverage for THREE YEARS!!! Yes, three whole years without being able to see any of the clothes that I have no money to afford on models whose bodies look better than mine ever will! How will I know who looks better than me WITHOUT FASHION COVERAGE!? For those who have lived without fashion coverage for an even longer period (God, I feel for you...), "Videofashion Daily" is a show that um, covers fashion shows, on video...

I don't really know how else to describe it. Basically, they show up at fashion shows, interview people, and then show off the clothes. And... IT'S AMAZING! It really gives you that insider feel that you are at these shows you'd never be invited to otherwise... Jeez, I really have a low opinion of myself. So to raise it up, naturally, once I discovered that one of my PBS stations does show "Videofashion," I called my mother, who lives in Pennsylvania (ie, a place without fashion) to brag that I found the fashion coverage...


"Mom, I have fashion TV!"

"What channel?!"

"Sorry. I mean, I have fashion TV because I live near the greatest metropolis in the world. You don't and as such you will have to make due with Dennis Basso for QVC."

"Get off my phone."

I shouldn't have teased her because I know how much she misses her fashion coverage.

See because a long time ago (read: in the early 2000s) when I was still in school and staying at my parents' full time, there was this channel on our TV called Metro that used to show "Full Frontal Fashion," which was a 24-7 program that showed fashion shows IN FULL ALL DAY LONG!!! Seriously. It was so wonderful. My mother and I would sit and watch all the shows from all over the world all night long, and comment on everything when we weren't telling my father to leave the room because he was a distraction. We would talk about what models were fierce, who couldn't walk, what outfits were best, what suits mom would look good in, who was in a crowd, and what nonsense would they say when interviewed afterward (favorite phrase: "It was fashion forward while retaining that classic style"). We loved that fashion coverage.

Ooh, and ready to hear the gayest thing ever. Metro also bought the rights to the classic 90s primetime soap "Central Park West" and used to show all the episodes in a marathon, regularly. I died and went to TV heaven. Seriously, my days were spent with fashion and my nights were spent like this...



Oh by the way, John Barrowman dumped her body in a river. Moving on.

But just like anything wonderful, they canceled "Full Frontal Fashion" and Metro folded. Since then, my mother and I have had no fashion coverage, until this weekend WHEN I FOUND VIDEOFASHION! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! I love how they not only show some of the show itself but delve into the hair and make-up concepts that the designer wants. Love it! It's not 24-7 coverage but it'll give me my fashion fix.

And my fix of hot guys (below), because that never hurts...



Chad is all over the eclairs and the gelatto so it's hard for him y'all. Respect.

Anyway, I'm a kid in a candy store with my fashion coverage, which is why I want to know, how do you get your fashion fix? Is there a show you watch for fashion coverage or do you go online or read a magazine? I'm always interested to hear how people work fashion into their everyday lives.

Okay, below I have embedded the "Videofashion" um, video player with some of the spring collections of a few of my favorite designers. Enjoy!

New York City Boys
Chapter Two - There Is Always Too Much or Too Little

(Revisit Chapter One here)

Lean and pale with jet black hair cropped close to his head, Macks was slighter than the coat he was trying to put on over his shoulders. It was January, and a coat was very necessary as the air outside was bitterly cold. Inside the Maritime Hotel downtown, it was very warm and animated as Macks left the long late lunch he had had with a few fashion friends from his time at DVF. In the lobby, there was a separate excitement brewing that Macks could see from the corner of his eye. Security guards were holding a black man back from entering the nearby restaurant, his arms flailing wildly as he protested their imprisonment. Macks flinched at the odd racism of the incident until he saw who the guards were holding back: Diego Perez, a model, drug addict, and all around troublemaker. Of course Macks knew him and knew him well from his own hedonistic days of illicit substance abuse and debauchery at some quite well-respected global fashion houses.

First, Macks and Diego were acquainted because as Diego had a smooth golden brown body, abdominal muscles sharp enough to grate cheese, and biceps shaped like baseballs, Macks couldn't resist himself. Secondly, with Diego being as amenable to pleasure as a dog with its belly exposed, he regularly enticed Macks at castings and the fashion shows he inevitably booked, and was never shy about the fact that he slept with men and women or better described, anyone interested. Plus, he had the uncanny ability to rustle up drugs with no money and questionable resources, which made him a favorite of Macks' companions. While Macks had long given up the drugs and most of the debauchery, a part of him longed to know what his old travel buddy was up to.

Just as Diego tried to fight his way inside again, Macks approached the security guard with a smile.

"You can let him go," Macks said almost in a laugh. "He's with me."

The hotel doorman standing nearby seemed hesitant to believe him. "He's with you?"

Macks repeated, "He's with me. Let him go, it's fine." The doorman and guards backed off as Macks held onto Diego's shoulders to survey the damage they had done to him. It was mostly his pride that was bruised, although the sight of Macks was enough to rejuvenate him. They kissed on both cheeks before beginning to talk.

"Macks Mosby..."

"Diego Perez, what the hell are you doing?"

"I was trying to get into the restaurant to talk to someone..."

"Who?"

Diego's eyes pointed downward and his hands slid into his jean pockets, "Michael Kors."

Macks threw his head back in laughter. Diego joshed him in the shoulder, "Come on, he's having lunch in there and..."

"And what?" Macks chortled. "You'd talk to him, remind him what an amazing model you are. How you can walk down a runway better than all the other thousands of models in New York and he'd what? Give you a job?"

Diego had lost his previous contract with New York Models after an incident during the last Fall Fashion Week. While tripping on acid, Diego believed a monster was chasing him down the runway. To avoid imminent death, he climbed onto the stage's lighting rig and the weight of his body almost made it collapse. Two spotlights fell into the audience, one injuring a magazine assistant. The story became worse when the second light fell dangerously close to Linda Evangelista, who left the show a teary mess. News of what Diego had done, along with the reason why, spread like a virus across New York, Paris, Milan, London, and beyond. He was dropped by his agent 20 minutes later and had been unable to get signed anywhere else let alone get a table at any restaurant of note or gain entrance into any reasonably popular nightclub. To the fashion world, he was persona non grata. This all made Macks uncontrollably giggly.

You guys know that I've been somewhat preoccupied by life recently and that I haven't been able to blog as much as is medically necessary to keep my alive. That sucks. However, what you don't know is that I'm still blogging everyday... it's just in my head. Before you call the men in white coats to get me, I thought I'd share with you some of these tidbits that I wanted to write long posts about but 'cause I'm busy, I can't.

Some even come equipped with a cell phone pic to really give you the full effect. Alright. Here are some interesting things I've observed in the world around me recently...

Did you know...

...that the men on romance novel covers have totally advanced beyond the whole Fabio look?

The modern romance novel cover guy (like the one pictured above... ignore my gnarly fingernails...) is like a real, everyday guy... Granted, an INSANELY HOT real everyday guy but gone is the long hair, Body by Jake physique. Who knew? Anyway, I saw this cover in a bookstore and had to change pants. Moving on.

I was waiting for...


...the bus in White Plains recently, when I saw the above sign from the lovely people in the Westchester County Government.

The sign asks people to wash their cars on the grass and not the pavement. I don't know if you can see the sign well so I blew it up a little below...


The sign asks county residents to wash cars on the grass or at a car wash to prevent dangerous oils and chemys from polluting the water. Can you guess what my question was? WHAT ABOUT THE MUTHAF#CKING GRASS?!

Next tidbit.

I was in Target...


...recently and saw the above product.

Every Man Jack is a horrible name for a line of products that men are supposed to put on their faces. Next.

Is it just me...


...or does Adam Lambert (above; picture not from my cell phone) underwhelm you?

I know he's one of my Breakthrough Artist Runners-Up, and I admire him trying to shake up the industry, but his music is a little too blah and he's not glam enough to do it. And his little ah-ti-TUDE is getting on me nerves...

I get that...


...we want to stop the spread of disease but something about the above sign made me wonder.

So if you can't see it, I've tried to blow it up at right...

...But even if you can't see this, basically, the sign suggests these ways to keeping your office from getting sick during flu season. The idea above suggests you "Cover your coughs and sneezes with a tissue, or cough and sneeze into your upper sleeve." Given the fact that most people don't wash their sweaters or coats after every time they wear them... Oh, you want to say it with me... WHAT HAPPENS TO THE GERMS ON YOUR SLEEVE?!


Anyone out there who can answer this question wins a gold star from me. Until then, I choose to assume everyone in Manhattan is walking around with the Mucinex family living on their upper arms...

This below...


...needs to be part of my life. Someone, buy it for me now! Pleeeeeze! Purty Purty Pleeeze!

Moving...

Is it just me...


...or is the guy who didn't win "I Want to Work for Diddy 2" (above) ridiculously hot?

Is it also just me or does anyone else think Diddy has a special job for him... ALLEGEDLY!!!!! Also, I don't know what his name is, I do not plan on learning what his name is, although I do plan on staring at this photo for the next 20 minutes.

Starting now.

(p.s. by his shoes alone, it is clear he is prolly blacker than I am.)

A part of me...


...really wants to take Iceland Air up on their Iceland Budget Getaway offer (above).

Problem is, I wouldn't come back after two days. Or ever. Wanna come with? $469 for a double, which I'm assuming is not some Icelandic sexual euphemism...

I actually like...



Chris Brown's new video (above).

I never liked anything he did before, but I think this is imaginative and interesting and the song doesn't bother me in the slightest... Too bad he beat Rihanna upside her face last year. I WILL NEVER FORGET! So this is a no...

Do you know...


...who was cute when he was younger?

No, not Sly. David Caruso (above at right) in "First Blood," a movie that came out when I was born. Sorry I made like 8 people who read the blog feel old. Sorries. Anyway, you can thank American Movie Classics for this one. Thanks for showing old movies everyone already seen 40 times, AMC!

Also, it it just me...


...or does the girl on the "Help, I'm Choking" Sign (above) look exactly like Lady Gaga?

Next...

Or I should say lastly, I think they should...



...change the name of the new Starz show "Spartacus" to "Chestacus" because all I saw in the trailer above was a minute and a half of heaving male bosom.

On that note, feel free to answer my questions, make your own comments, or submit your own observations about the world around you. I'm listening. Which is what Fraiser used to say on "Fraiser," which is another observation. Lookie there...