How I went this long without bringing this to you is beyond me. Nothing should have gotten in my way. I should have quit all my jobs. I should have cut off communication with everyone I know and love. I should have moved to a hut in the forest (with wifi) and written this, if I may say so myself, masterpiece a long, long time ago. But for some reason I let life get in the way. Never no more. People the THIRD INSTALLMENT of the Shirtless/Pantsless Jones series is here! I'll give you all a moment to hug your loved ones, wipe up your tears, and take a sip of water to refresh your throat after the screaming. [Pause] Alright, people we're diving into a brand-new chapter in the series, and it's a good one, but first let's backtrack a little for anyone new to the blog who is currently looking at me like I've lost that one marble still left in my chipmunk-shaped head.
Okay, way back in March of last year, WWE Raw wrestling superstar of my pants John Cena had a movie coming out called "12 Rounds" that subsequently tanked at the box office. I made the declaration that the movie bombed because Cena didn't take his shirt off enough. And I was/am right. Who wants to see John Cena in clothes? Exactly. So to rectify the situation, I wrote a one-page spec script for an action movie called "Shirtless Jones" about a rogue Philadelphia cop on the chase of a mysterious enemy whose main character trait was that he took off his shirt in spectacular fashion.
That script led to such critical acclaim... I mean I got calls from Michael Bay, Jerry Bruckheimer, all the biggies... That I wrote a sequel to "Shirtless Jones" called "Pantsless Jones," which starred man who makes me need a napkin he's so hot former professional wrestler Batista (left and above with Cena) as the cousin to Shirtless Jones, Cena's character, who also just so happened to be a rogue Philadelphia cop on the trail of the Man with a Past whose main weapon, if you will, is removing his pants.
I am particularly proud of this work. I mean, it's all for the children regardless, but I'm glad it brought joy to the masses. Anyway, after I wrote "Pantsless Jones," I was all set to bring you the third installment but the studios had me tied up in development hell. They had me rewriting a bunch of Katherine Heigl romantic comedies... Good lord, those were some bad scripts... And having meeting after meeting about ways to make Megan Fox seem likeable (more talking! less talking! more dead behind the eyes facial expressions! less dead behind...), you get the idea. I kept telling them "Guys, I appreciate the work but this really isn't my thing. I'm the guy who makes action movies where 250-pound muscular professional wrestlers take their clothes off in slow motion while being doused with water or oil for the 'personal enjoyment' of straight women and gay men, and a select group of straight men who can't yet admit things to themselves. I don't do romantic comedies!" Finally, I decided I had to leave Hollywood to regain my perspective and write the movie I was always destined to write. So I grabbed Jake and we took the studio's private jet back to my house in the Hamptons. As I was rubbing lotion on Jakey pooh's back, I could tell he was tense. Apparently, the failure of "Prince of Persia: Blah Blah Blah" really got to him. He couldn't understand why no one wanted to see an action movie in the summer. That's when it dawned on me.
I said "Jake, when we make sweet, sweet love, I feel like the oceans are..." Oh wait, I said that at another time. This time, I said "Jake, it's not that people didn't want to see an action movie. Your film, while wonderful (p.s. sometimes I say things like this to keep the peace), wasn't what people wanted to see. I think it's time to resurrect my franchise!" That's when I tore to the office to begin writing this brand new installment that I have finally finished!
Now, while all of what I typed above is true, an alternate version of events may have been that I was awake at 3 AM a few days ago when I noticed that one of my Spanish-language channels shows "WWE Raw" ... in Spanish. You've never really enjoyed wrestling until you can only understand 45% of what everyone is saying. Anyway, I may have been half-asleep, watching wrestling a few days ago when I realized I forgot to write the next script in the series and wrote it in a night.
While this is a more plausible chain of events, feel free to believe all of the movie studio/Jakey pooh stuff.
Finally, I realized that with this installment, I could finally cast the Man with a Past, who up until now I left open because I didn't know who could play such an enigmatic character. Um, hello, my brand new obsession, he of the skin whiter than loose leaf paper Sheamus (right). I mean why write him in when he can just play that part. And what a juicy part it is might I add. Alright, I know you're chomping at the bit for the first look at this script. It's called "The Jones Boys: No Shirt, No Pants, Full Service" and it's better than "Schindler's List"... I mean someone said that. I would never say that myself. I overheard someone. Lovers of the first two movies, don't worry, Rosario Dawson is back as Special Agent Anastasia Rodriguez and, because the movie needs a shred of credibility, Robert Patrick plays Captain O'Flannery, the wily chief who always looks the other way when Shirtless and Pantsless Jones have to resort to unorthodox methods to get their man. Oh, and the movie poster's tagline is the best part: "Double teaming you this summer!"
Lovers of professional wrestlers, the WWE, and fine cinema: enjoy...
INT. PRISON BUS - DAY
Dark and ominous, a correctional facility bus is lined with prisoners in orange jumpsuits sitting quietly, moving only because the pace of the bus is swaying their bodies. CLINKS from the chains strapped to the inmates wrists and ankles are heard as the bus roars down the Interstate. A GUARD with enough hardware to stop 100 men strapped to his belt, and a rifle strapped to his back, ambles up and down a free aisle between the sullen prisoners watching their body movements and making sure that no one does anything out of line.
Toward the back of the bus sits the MAN WITH A PAST, whose own body is rippled with muscles you can even see through his jumpsuit and skin as pale as a ghost, shackled to another tough-looking, thick-necked BURLY PRISONER. As the guard walks back toward the front of the bus, the prisoner leans toward the Man with a Past.
Can you believe that this is the end?
MAN WITH A PAST
It may be the end for you, but it'll
never be the end for me. My baby army will
rise and once it does, nothing can stop me.
Yeah, um, about the baby army. You went
on and on about this at our old lock-up.
Why does the army have to be babies again?
MAN WITH A PAST
Because babies are defenseless, anyone can
do anything to them. Until now. Now, babies
will be able to rise up and fight back...
(turns to face the Man with a Past)
You are so fascinating...
MAN WITH A PAST
Oh, sweet Jesus, here we go...
I don't know if it's because we were
cellmates in the old jail and because
I'll never be with a woman ever again...
MAN WITH A PAST
Let me guess, you're in love with me...
But, I think I'm in love with you.
How about I steal a little kiss?
The prisoner pushes his lips forward toward the Man with a Past who backs away before they could connect. The Man with a Past smiles shyly and waves his finger at the prisoner.
No, no. We musn't.
C'mon. Don't be a tease.
MAN WITH A PAST
Fine. You want a kiss, then let's kiss.
The prisoner reaches forward with his lips pursed again as the guard turns around to face him. The Man with a Past plants his lips on the prisoner and begins to tongue him deeply, with a passion. When the guard sees this, he runs toward the kissing men, frantically waving a night stick he pulled from his belt, dropping a gun and a taser on the ground in the process.
Hey! Hey, you two! Break it up!
Where do you think you are?!
This isn't "OZ"!
From the front of the bus, the BUS DRIVER calls out to the Guard. The guard walks up to hear the driver better as the other prisoners in the bus have started HOLLERING at seeing the Man with a Past and the prisoner in a lip lock.
(twists head to see the guard)
What's going on back there?
Oh, just two of the inmates trying...
Hey, look out!
The Driver snaps his neck around to see that the bus is careening off the side of the road and falling off an overpass bridge onto the roadway below. The bus SMASHES into the ground, slides down the roadway, rolls several times, flips over a few times, and finally stops rolling in the upside down position with its wheels spinning. Parts of the bus have caught on fire and the flames from those fires are shooting higher and higher into the sky. The plume of smoke above the bus also slowly gets thicker.
Suddenly, the door to the back of the bus SLAMS open. First, one hand appears grabbing the side of the door. Then, another hand grabs the other side of the door. After a moment, the Man with a Past drags himself out of the burning bus, crawls for a minute before standing and surveying the damage from a short distance away. He laughs.
I told you it'll never be the end for me.
After his final word, the Man with a Past turns away from the bus and slowly walks away. The bus EXPLODES behind him and he disappears into the thicket of trees.
INT. JONES FAMILY HOME - DAY
Inside a beautiful ranch-style home in the Pennsylvania countryside, SHIRTLESS JONES sits wearing a shirt with his mother, HATLESS JONES, as well as PANTSLESS JONES, who is wearing jeans, and ANASTASIA RODRIGUEZ on the plush sofa in the LIVING ROOM. The room is warmly decorated in a traditional style with lots of wood furniture, flowery wallpaper, and pictures of the Jones family strewn throughout. Shirtless Jones has his arm around Anastasia while Pantsless Jones sits away from them, with a brooding sour expression on his face.
Hatless, an older, kind-hearted motherly figure in a flowing caftan, SHRIEKS when she picks up Anastasia's hand and finds a giant diamond ring on her finger. Hatless jumps up and wraps both Shirtless Jones and Anastasia in a big bear hug while still shrieking. Pantless Jones continues to sulk in the corner. Hatless releases her son and Anastasia.
I can't believe it! You're engaged!
Pantsy, can you believe it!
(surprised at Pantsless' reaction)
Um, anyway, Pantsy, honey, I have
a bottle of champagne in the fridge.
Let's pour some for the happy couple!
Pantsless Jones gets up off the couch and stomps off to the kitchen. Hatless returns to looking at Anastasia's ring and Shirtless Jones looks on with pride.
As a single, independent woman of
color, who never thought she would need a
man to protect her, I am the most
surprised that I have met a man who is my...
...That's nice dear. Pantsy, how's it
coming with the booze?!
I'll help him find it, ma...
No, I'll go.
Anastasia gets up and walks to the kitchen while Hatless clutches Shirtless' hands in hers.
I'm so happy for you son.
Thanks mom. She's a wonderful woman and
we love each other very much.
Anastasia and Pantless are making out against the island in the handsome Jones Family kitchen. Anastasia pulls herself away from Pantsless as he has begun fumbling with his belt to take off his pants. She puts her hand on her forehead.
No, we can't. Shirtless is right outside.
(zipping up pants)
I thought you were gonna tell him...
(looks off into the distance)
...But you don't understand. As a dedicated
woman of the law, I closed my heart off to...
Anastastia! We don't have time!
You have to tell him.
Shirtless walks into the room and smiles at them both while grabbing the bottle of champagne on the kitchen island counter. He pauses and looks at the two of them for a moment.
Just grabbing the champagne.
What are you guys talking about?
Shirtless Jones leaves the room. Pantsless and Anastasia immediately jump back into each others' arms and begin making out again. Pantsless separates them for a moment.
Anastasia, as hot as it is making out
with Shirtless in the other room, you really
need to go out there and tell him the truth.
(stepping back from Pantsless)
Shirtless walks back into the kitchen and smiles at the two of them again.
Forgot the bottle opener.
(picks up a bottle opener on the counter)
Isn't it funny that every time I walk in
here, it looks like the two of you just
jumped away from each other or something?
I don't know why you'd think that.
There's absolutely nothing going on...
What he means is yes, that's funny.
Yeah, it's funny. Anyway, come out before
mom drinks all the champagne.
From inside the KITCHEN, the three hear a SCREAM coming from the living room. The three run to the living room to find Hatless virtually paralyzed with fear as she watches the TV SCREEN. The champagne bottle is on the ground and she is visibly shaking. Shirtless runs to sit by her side.
Mom, what's wrong. You're crying.
Here, wipe your tears.
Shirtless begins to take off his shirt, while Pantsless begins to take off his pants. Hatless stops them both by raising her hand.
No, boys, I can just use a tissue,
but we have much more serious problems.
What's wrong? What's on the TV?
They just showed a report that you know who
has broken out of a prison bus and is on
the run. He could be anywhere and hurt.
Don't worry, mom. We'll make sure that he's
not only hurt, but that he's dead.
No! You can't kill him!
But, Mrs. Jones, if we don't stop him
there's no telling what he'll do to
those babies. They have jet packs, Mrs.
Jones. Jet packs.
Yes, but you can't kill him. He's... He's...
MAN WITH A PAST
What am I, Mrs. Jones? Why don't you tell them?
Shirtless, Pantsless, Anastasia, and Hatless all jump upon hearing the VOICE of the Man with a Past, who has appeared in the living room in a prison jumpsuit covered with dirt, twigs, and leaves. He slowly walks toward the group as Shirtless, growing more upset with each second, begins to take his shirt off. The Man with a Past LAUGHS.
Please, Shirtless Jones, what are you
going to do. Stop me with some breathable
cotton. And Pantsless, don't think I don't
see you playing with that belt buckle. Your
imitation leather belt won't stop me now.
What do you want?
MAN WITH A PAST
I've come for payback.
Then let's take this outside...
MAN WITH A PAST
Not with you, stupid. With your mother...
Hatless sits down on the couch again and covers her face with her hands.
Or maybe I should have her explain why
I'm here. Go ahead... Mother.
Shirtless, Pantsless, and Anastasia all SHOUT "Mother!" at the same time as Hatless rocks back and forth on the couch. Shirtless walks toward her.
Mom, what is going on? Why is he calling
Oh, honey, I didn't want you to find
out this way...
Find out what?!
(in a low voice)
Okay, about two years before I gave birth to
you, your father, Tieless, and I had another child.
He was a beautiful boy and we loved him very much.
When he started to get older, he began to walk
and he was still wearing diapers. Well, um...
One day, I walked into the room to find that he
had taken off the diaper I put on him. So I put
it on again, thinking nothing of it.
Then, the next day, I found him not wearing his
diaper again... It happened over and over...
Wait, are you saying what I think
That's when your father and I realized what
personality trait he was born with...
No! It can't be!
He was Underwearless Jones!
Shirtless, Pantsless, and Anastasia all whisper "Underwearless Jones" in unison. The Man with a Past/Underwearless Jones rushes in front of everyone, his face bright red from anger.
Tell them what you did next, mother!
We didn't know what to do! We couldn't
have anyone see him! We couldn't take
him outside to play with other children!
He wouldn't keep his underwear on! So,
we sent him away to be raised by your
father's cousin in the mountains, Shoeless.
We tried to make sure you had a good life!
It was just a different time, underwear
was so important then...
And it's why I and my baby army have come
to seek revenge. You see, I was ripped from
the life I knew and loved when I was a baby.
I was helpless and couldn't fight for myself.
But now, with jet packs and deadly laser beams,
babies will no longer be held prisoner by people
How come he gets to make long speeches
and not me?
...And that's why my baby army will descend on
this house and blow it and everyone inside
to smithereens! Right after nap time...
That'll never happen, whoever you are!
Don't you mean... brother.
Suddenly, Underwearless runs out of the room, toward the FRONT DOOR. Everyone except Hatless follows and runs out onto the FRONT YARD.
EXT. YARD - DAY
Shirtless, Pantsless, and Anastasia run out onto the yard in time to find Underwearless boarding a large cargo helicopter than has landed in the grass. Hatless runs out of the house wearing a wide-brimmed sun hat. The hat blows off when the helicopter wings begin to spin. She ignores it and runs to Shirtless and Pantsless who are watching the helicopter prepare to take off.
The news said that the babies have all
woken up and are crawling this way with
lasers all coordinated to shoot at the house!
We will stop you!
You'll have to catch me first. Remember, don't
get too close... I'm not wearing underwear!
The helicopter takes off and begins traveling away from the house. At the same time, several police cars with SIRENS blaring speed up to the Jones' family home. The first car stops and out steps CAPTAIN O'FLANNERY, who runs up to the group still standing dumbstruck on the front porch.
Excuse me, Mrs. Jones, but I'll need
to borrow your son and nephew and future
niece-in-law for a moment.
Oh, so you heard... Wait, you mean
"daughter-in-law," she's marrying
my son Shirtless, not Pantsless.
But didn't I see you making out...
What do you got, Captain?!
Alright, we commandeered one of the babies
and examined the laser jet pack. It seems
that the pack needs to be activated before
it will shoot at the house.
Activated... by a detonator that only he has.
Exactly. Boys, with that controller, he can
point those lasers anywhere. Well, anywhere
the babies are, and they are surpisingly
fast crawlers, some of them. We need you to get
that detonator so we can dismantle those lasers!
Simultaneously, Shirtless and Pantsless say "I'm on it!" and run toward their Jeep. Anastasia, following behind, jumps in the driver's seat and speeds toward the moving helicopter, which is flying suspiciously low to the ground.
EXT. JEEP - DAY
With a grappling hook attached to a length of rope in his hands, Shirtless throws the hook toward the helicopter and it catches onto the helicopter's foot in one motion. Leaning over the edge of the helicopter, Underwearless laughs.
You think you're little simple hooks
can stop me! See if you can survive after
I douse your car in oil!
Underwearless begins to pour a barrel of oil off the side of the helicopter. As he pours, he sees that the oil is clear and he turns to the HARRIED PILOT of the helicopter in annoyance.
This is baby oil, you idiot!
I told you to get me a barrel of oil oil
to blow them up with!
Sorry, sir, I've been taking care of
the baby army all month. When you said
oil, I thought you meant baby oil!
Underwearless looks down again and sees that both Shirtless and Pantsless are now covered head to toe in baby oil. Both men's shirts and pants are clinging to each and every muscle of their bodies as they strain to grab hold of the rope to the helicopter. The oil makes every curve glisten as it becomes so wet, their shirts become completely transparent. The camera pans both men's bodies for 30 minutes. Frustrated, Underwearless grabs a torch from inside the helicopter and positions it near the hook and rope.
You haven't won yet! How ever will you
climb up here and get me when your rope is...
on fire. Have a nice day!
Underwearless lights the rope on fire and the flame begins to travel down the rope.
We have to do something. The longer the
rope burns, the less strong it will be to
hold one of you up! We have to put out the fire.
Leave it to me!
In slow motion, Pantsless removes his pants. That takes 20 minutes. He crumples them into a ball and turns to Shirtless.
Shirtless picks up a conveniently-placed bucket of water and pours it all over Pantsless and the pants. Pantsless takes the wet pants, covers his hands with each pant leg, and begins climbing the rope that is still burning, using his pants to shield him from the flames. When Underwearless looks over the edge of the helicopter again, he is met with a PUNCH to the face by Pantsless who has reached the helicopter platform and who is now fighting with Underwearless. The two men roll around on the helicopter floor pinning each other, their legs intertwined in a long and hard struggle. After awhile, Pantsless leans over the edge of the helicopter with the detonator in his hand.
Great! Now throw it down!
It's too far! If you don't catch it,
and it breaks, all the lasers will shoot at once!
Don't worry, I have an idea!
Shirtless stands on the top of the Jeep's railings and, covered in sweat and baby oil, he slowly rips his shirt off from neck to the very bottom. For some reason, the camera goes to slow motion and repeats this action a few dozen times for the next 45 minutes. Now without his shirt, Shirtless opens up the ripped fabric to make a springboard for the detonator.
Throw it on my shirt!
Pantsless throws the detonator and Shirtless catches it in his shirt. Anastasia stops the Jeep as cop cars surround the Jeep. The Captain runs to the Jeep and takes the detonator from Shirtless. After a few clicks, the detonator shuts off.
Well, was that it?
(listening to walkie talkie)
It worked! The lasers on the babies have
shut off. But now the babies are all
crying because the lasers apparently
also made funny animal noises but we've
got people on it.
We're not done! We have to save Pantsless!
Officer Rodriguez, Pantless Jones is a big
boy, I'm sure he can save himself from a
renegade helicopter with an evil villain on
it careening through the Pennsylvania
wildlife by himself. No need to worry.
But, but... I love him.
Anastasia walks to Shirtless and tries to hold onto his arms but he's slippery given the sweat and the oil and water.
I was going to tell you... eventually.
I love you, but there's something about
those calves that I just can't get enough.
You mean all those times it looked like you two
were kissing, you really were. Damn!
Oprah always says to trust your instincts!
I'm sorry I hurt you. Can we still be friends?
Anyone who loves a Jones boy is a friend
of mine! Now let's go save my cousin from
my evil estranged brother on a helicopter
that is careening through the forest as we
speak. Somebody here's waiting for him...
Waiting for who?
Pantsless strolls up to the Jeep with a tattered shirt and no pants. Anastasia runs to him and gives him a big hug. They all eventually notice that the helicopter is yards away down the street on the ground and in flames. Shirtless approaches Pantsless.
Are you alright? How did you make
it out alive?
Underwearless instructed the pilot to
crash the copter and kill us all, so before we
went down, I ripped Underwearless pants off
and used them as a parachute landing safely.
Is he... dead?
No, I took him with me. He's lying near the copter.
The three as well as the Captain and some police officers run toward the downed copter and discover Underwearless lying on the ground, bruised but alive. From the waist up, he is dressed and from the waist down, he is completely naked. Everyone stares at him as they run up to the copter.
Wow. They really weren't lying when
they said he was Underwearless Jones.
And might I add, for a guy so full of angst
he really has no reason to be upset with
what nature gave him.
I guess you could say that he's our
biggest catch yet, huh, Captain...
Please, we would give him the death
penalty but he's already hung!
Guess the boys in the cell block
will have plenty of sausage to eat
(surprised when she finally looks down)
Damn, that's a big...
Do you agree that this is the action movie of the summer we've all been waiting for!
Forget Cameron Diaz and her frizzy hair, this is what we want, am I right?