Hey kids. I'm sorry I haven't been able to blog as much as I'd like recently. It's still been a little interesting over here at the Junior compound. I thought I'd give you a peek into what's been going on here recently and let you know a little more of what I've been thinking because I never do that. What was that? I do that all the time.
Well then, I'm doing it again. Firstly, I thought being half-unemployed would mean that I would have more free time. It has been exactly the opposite. In between having to call the unemployment office 18 times a day to allay their fears about giving me, I am not making this up, $185 USD a week, I have had to run 801 errands a day because I'm giving up my apartment when the lease ends. When this isn't happening, I'm on the phone with my mother 1,762 times a day. What's her problem?
Recently, my sister had what they've been calling a "nervous breakdown" but what I've been calling a "Tuesday" and my mother is treating her like she has a degenerative disease complete with flying her around the country to spend time at the homestead for the full babying experience. This is my older sister, mind you. Now, just now, are people starting to admit that she might be touched in the head, something I've been saying since I was 12 years old. Anyway, have you guessed what this means for me? Drive us to the airport. Watch the dog. Watch the house. Pick us up from the airport.
And, you also guessed right, please and thank you have never been uttered to me. The first words out of my mother's mouth whenever I pick up the phone for the past two weeks have been "I need you to do me a huge favor..." I could literally say I was on fire and she'd say "when will that be over?"
This is when I thought it would be a good time to mention that I would have to move back to their house for what I'm hoping is a very short stay while I work on getting another full-time job that pays a living wage. You would have thought I asked them to lend me their kidneys using their hands.
As if I want to move back to my parent's house at the tender age of Too Muthaf#ckin' Old because I lost my job. My plan is to leave as soon as is humanly possible and I'm putting all my stuff in storage anyway! I don't need all this guff from them about it. Actually, I can't really include my father in this because he's done the wonderful thing of pretending that nothing's happening. I've asked on many occasions to join him in his fantasy land but he won't answer the phone.
Meanwhile, none of my job prospects have worked out yet, and I can't really bring myself to do anything else with my time after applying and mild blogging except sleeping, watching "General Hospital," and eating. I have become amazing at eating. You should see me. Food does not stand a chance. Someone, tell me all of this is normal post-job loss behavior or should I start seeing someone? And by "seeing someone" what I mean is "seeing someone named Colonel Sanders."
Anyway, in the midst of all this nonsense, I started thinking about how I really f'ed up my personal life in the past five years. I mean I have really done a number on my personal life. Let's see. I have one bestie that's rock solid and a very small number of other friends I could call on if I won tickets to a trip that demanded I come up with like three friends to join. But that's about it. I have managed to alienate or fight with every other friend and/or romantic prospect I have ever had in the past five years so much so that when I go someplace and think I see someone I know, my natural reaction is to duck and run for cover in the hopes that they don't see me at all.
So yes, this week I had another mini-breakdown over my self-destructive method of human interaction, but unlike my sister, I didn't get treated to an all-expense-paid trip to the other side of the United States because of it.
To speed this up, I think you can guess that the crux of my argument while flagellating myself was that I was stupid for not having a boyfriend.
I should have a boyfriend. Am I sexually attracted to men? Every boy I went to high school would say yes. And I am not the hit it and quit it type, so why am I single?
And especially now, how much different would my life be if I was partnered? What would now be like if I had someone (ANYONE) who was my person? You know, that one person you can (hopefully) count on when you need support and love and companionship during times of crisis. Times like this is why most sane people go out there and find themselves a companion, a boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, warm body, someone to rock them while they gently weep. And now, I can't stop thinking about if I would feel better about things right now if I had a boyfriend. Obviously, a rich boyfriend with a house on Martha's Vineyard is preferable, but any boyfriend really.
Would that make things better or worse, I wonder?
Well, I guess I'd never really know unless I actually went out an you know, tried to get a boyfriend. Ugh. So now I'm currently looking for full-time employment and a boyfriend, and if the first two actually work out, a new place to live. Gulp.
When do I get my official certificate stating that I have become a living, breathing, real-life Cathy comic strip (below)?
Now, I know there are some of you that are all "Junior, I thought you said you were gonna close up shop and stop trying to date when you turned 30!" And I'm here to tell you that yes, despite my feelings of complete and utter abandonment by everything I once held true and dear, I will still close up shop at age 30 if Mr. Anybody doesn't come around and sweep me off my getting-fatter-by-the-day feet.
But there's just one thing I have to mention...
I AM NOT 30 YET, GAWDDANGIT!
So let's get to work. Okay, I have established a two-pronged process to finding someone who will take my mind off the fact that I have no money and will probably not have any money for quite some time. You can get involved in both parts and I plan to report the findings of my endeavors back to you. Actually, from now on, I'll tell you everything. I'll tell you how things go, if I am working someplace new, even if my loan company decides to accept used cassettes as payment. You'll be first to know. I'm kinda over people telling me what to do.
That was the reason I didn't just immediately disclose all my recent problems: this irrational concern about how other people feel about me talking about them on my blog. Obviously, given the state my life is in right now, people caring about me is the least of my problems. Alright, back to me and dating...
Okay, so I'm serious about this. 2010 is the year that Junior gets back in the swing of things. To that end, I have joined OK Cupid, which is a free dating site that I think is a lot of fun. So far I have only gotten a few bites which I will describe below, but I have gotten a few people to rate me with high scores so we're hoping there's air in my tires yet! I bring this up to say that if you know anyone, ANYONE, who would be interested in dating me and is in the NYC area, tell them to contact me at their earliest convenience. I don't have a car... Yes, add that to the list of my shortcomings, but I can be in Manhattan in 45 minutes! I am serious about this. If any prospects want to know more about me, my profile on OK Cupid is just "juicewithjunior," which is easy enough, and they can message me there or just e-mail me, whatever.
I will even make this incredibly easy for you. If there is any guy you know who maybe wants to date me but wants some more information and a picture, feel free to tell them I'm fantastic and send them the below picture.
It's my most recent...
Alright, fine! This is Mehcad Brooks (above), but tell them I can be whomever they want me to be when the lights go off. And I am black, if that helps (it won't).
I am literally throwing away my rulebook. The only rule is there are no rules. I will entertain any and every offer. But of course this isn't the only way I'm trying to meet my future Man-Who-Will-Be-Exasperated-By-Everything-I-Do.
I have also put together a mental list of men I encounter in my everyday life who I think I could try to take it to the next level with. Because "The Secret" says you have to externalize your wishes to manifest them into reality (don't worry, I'm laughing as I type this), I decided to share the list with you along with some pros and cons about each man.
You can help in this endeavor too! Of the men I describe, feel free to tell me who you think I should pursue in earnest. Also, I have changed some of their names, you know, because they didn't like ask for this, but if they found out, I wouldn't really care.
Bachelor #1: Charlie
Charlie and I work together at my part-time job. Before I talk about Charlie specifically, I have to describe the workplace a little bit.
Without practically giving away the address, the basic gist is that I work at a small retail establishment near my house. Any more details and I would pretty much be inviting you into the store. But the thing worth noting about the place is that it is a literal sausage-fest. No joke, of the 25 or so employees that work there, about 7 of them are women and most days when I'm working there are only 1 or 2 women on staff. I have never in my life worked with so many men before. I suspect our boss' vajay had something to do with this, but I'm not complaining. Anyway, onto Charlie, who's my age.
Charlie may be the sweetest man I ever met. As I don't have a car, when I first started and was figuring out the bus situation, I was asking for people for rides to my apartment about 15 minutes away after work. Charlie said yes every time I asked him. In fact, he said yes so much that one day, I decided to ask Kevin, our manager, because I felt like I was abusing Charlie's generosity.
It's late and we're cleaning up and Charlie leans over to me and asks, "How are you getting home?"
"I was going to ask Kevin because he has..."
"I'll drive you."
"Oh, thanks Charlie, but I've asked you like three weeks in a row and..."
"It's no problem. I'll drive you."
We had to do some extra clean-up that night because my vagina exploded all over the sales floor. Since then, we've become friendly, but I can't figure him out. I've done everything except ask him if he's got a girlfriend or is into dudes and haven't gotten a straight answer. Every time he describes his living situation, he uses gender-neutral pronouns. I even had my bestie come in for her own personal brand of interrogation and still nada. This is bad because every time I see him I fall more in love with him.
Oh, I call him Charlie because he bears a strong resemblance to a grown-up Charlie Brown. I want to eat his face off it's so cute.
Pros: I am already in love with him.
Cons: May be in the Witness Protection Program (and is prolly straight as evidenced because I am already in love with him).
Bachelor #2: Walker
I met Walker on OK Cupid, and we've been talking for a little while. He kinda reminds me of Cuba Gooding, Jr. (above) in both appearance and intensity. He kinda attacked me when I first joined the site with a flurry of messages. Because each of those messages contained compliments of the highest order, I decided I would talk to him although I was a little put off by his aggressiveness.
Here's my weird thing about the world on on-line dating: I need everything to be just right. I need the guy to contact me first because I am crazy shy and I have social anxiety. Once I know you like me, I'm good, but don't make me make the first move. It may never happen. Conversely, you can't be too all up on me because then I get suspicious about your sanity and sobriety. Plus, I am distrustful of everyone because one of my ex-friends likes to go onto dating sites with fake profiles, find people he knows, and f#ck with them for his amusement. That is not a joke. Trust me.
So that's why I first was a little wary of Walker. When I showed a message to my bestie, even she said "Um, no." But over time, I warmed up to one thing: he's the only man I know for sure is gay who has shown any modicum of interest in me. I can't discount that. But as with anyone, there are problems. The main one being that I can barely understand the things he writes to me in his messages. For example, "Hey - was wondering what you're up to! you over all this snow? I still into it - the romance of a good snowfall, does the trick."
Would it be too much for you to write complete sentences? Am I being a fussbudget or if someone makes me slightly uncomfortable and/or annoyed, is that enough of a deal breaker? What if this person is your last resort?
Pros: May be my only option at this point.
Cons: May drive me crazy with his only communicating in textspeak.
Bachelor #3: Dan
I call Dan, Dan, because he looks like a young Daniel Craig (above).
He works at a pizzeria near my house. He typically wants nothing to do with any of the customers who come into the place and treats everyone like he's above it all, but I included him because he's hot and like an unruly stallion, I think I could break him if only I could get the chance to ride him.
Cons: Would definitely beat me up after sex.
Pros: Would definitely smell like pizza during sex.
Bachelor #4: Bucky
Bucky also works at the store, and is a relatively new character to my world as I just met him like 2 days ago. The reason I'm even thinking about him is because he looks like a more Italian version of Dylan McKay (above), which I think is what dreams are made of, and because his name is Bucky (it isn't but trust me, it's something equally as ridiculous). The moment I heard that someone named Bucky was working there and then I met him I knew that if I didn't try my damndest to sleep with him, I would be doing myself an extreme disservice. If only he had red hair. Let me not press my luck.
Now, when I met Bucky, he was very nice. We talked awkwardly for a few minutes and every time the lone girl co-worker, who is relatively attractive, tried to interject herself in front of Bucky's hotness, he rejected her. This made him advance all the way to Bachelor #4 on my list without his needing to do anything else. There are a couple of problem's with Bucky as you may suspect. First, I'm pretty sure he's 17 years old. Second, he's as dumb as a pile of bricks.
Nice as can be, but there's nothing else going on up there. We were ringing up customers and he leaned over to me in the middle of a transaction and asked why the register wasn't opening up for him to give out change. I took a look at the screen; the customer owed $20.87. Bucky had a $20 bill and two quarters in his hand. As sympathetically as I could, I looked up and said, "Um, Bucky, I think it's because the customer hasn't given enough money for their purchase. Ask for some more change and then retype the amount and then the register will open."
He did his best Jeff Spicoli laugh, and we moved on.
Cons: Is not working with a full deck, is prolly straight, and is 17.
Pros: Is 17. And is pretty.
Bachelor #5: Anderson Cooper
YOU DON'T KNOW! IT COULD HAPPEN! OPRAH SAID DREAMS CAN COME TRUE!
Pros: Is Anderson Cooper.
Cons: There are no cons.
Bachelor #6: Matt
My last bachelor is a friend of a friend who I've hung out with a couple of times. Basically, Matt is a whore. Everyone knows someone like Matt. He's not extremely attractive but he's popular and always has a someone on his arm and has a toxic inability to spend a night alone. I know that if I called Matt and pleaded my case, he might take pity on me and throw me a bone every once in awhile and I could pretend like our relationship was more than it was.
Wow, I am really scraping the bottom of the barrel if I'm considering calling Matt. Ugh. Btw, Matt kinda looks like Daniel Henney (above) but def not as hot or I would already be dating/sleeping with him natch.
Pros: Does actually know me and may be willing to pretend like he's dating me for my benefit.
Cons: Everything I just typed in the Pros section.
And yeah, that's about it. Kinda a motley crew, no? That's why I need your help. What should I do?! Or better yet, who should I do?! Also, remember that any prospects can be forwarded to me immediately as this list literally makes me want to join the priesthood. Or go to prison. I'd prolly have better luck dating in prison, right? They'd be more my type, I think. Do you have to pay student loans if you're in prison?
I'm off to investigate...
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