Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Alright, I Thought I Was OK With Things But Turns Out I'd Kinda Like to Have a Boyfriend Sometime This Decade, So Let's Get to Work...

Hey kids. I'm sorry I haven't been able to blog as much as I'd like recently. It's still been a little interesting over here at the Junior compound. I thought I'd give you a peek into what's been going on here recently and let you know a little more of what I've been thinking because I never do that. What was that? I do that all the time.

Well then, I'm doing it again. Firstly, I thought being half-unemployed would mean that I would have more free time. It has been exactly the opposite. In between having to call the unemployment office 18 times a day to allay their fears about giving me, I am not making this up, $185 USD a week, I have had to run 801 errands a day because I'm giving up my apartment when the lease ends. When this isn't happening, I'm on the phone with my mother 1,762 times a day. What's her problem?

Recently, my sister had what they've been calling a "nervous breakdown" but what I've been calling a "Tuesday" and my mother is treating her like she has a degenerative disease complete with flying her around the country to spend time at the homestead for the full babying experience. This is my older sister, mind you. Now, just now, are people starting to admit that she might be touched in the head, something I've been saying since I was 12 years old. Anyway, have you guessed what this means for me? Drive us to the airport. Watch the dog. Watch the house. Pick us up from the airport.

And, you also guessed right, please and thank you have never been uttered to me. The first words out of my mother's mouth whenever I pick up the phone for the past two weeks have been "I need you to do me a huge favor..." I could literally say I was on fire and she'd say "when will that be over?"

This is when I thought it would be a good time to mention that I would have to move back to their house for what I'm hoping is a very short stay while I work on getting another full-time job that pays a living wage. You would have thought I asked them to lend me their kidneys using their hands.

As if I want to move back to my parent's house at the tender age of Too Muthaf#ckin' Old because I lost my job. My plan is to leave as soon as is humanly possible and I'm putting all my stuff in storage anyway! I don't need all this guff from them about it. Actually, I can't really include my father in this because he's done the wonderful thing of pretending that nothing's happening. I've asked on many occasions to join him in his fantasy land but he won't answer the phone.

Meanwhile, none of my job prospects have worked out yet, and I can't really bring myself to do anything else with my time after applying and mild blogging except sleeping, watching "General Hospital," and eating. I have become amazing at eating. You should see me. Food does not stand a chance. Someone, tell me all of this is normal post-job loss behavior or should I start seeing someone? And by "seeing someone" what I mean is "seeing someone named Colonel Sanders."

Anyway, in the midst of all this nonsense, I started thinking about how I really f'ed up my personal life in the past five years. I mean I have really done a number on my personal life. Let's see. I have one bestie that's rock solid and a very small number of other friends I could call on if I won tickets to a trip that demanded I come up with like three friends to join. But that's about it. I have managed to alienate or fight with every other friend and/or romantic prospect I have ever had in the past five years so much so that when I go someplace and think I see someone I know, my natural reaction is to duck and run for cover in the hopes that they don't see me at all.

So yes, this week I had another mini-breakdown over my self-destructive method of human interaction, but unlike my sister, I didn't get treated to an all-expense-paid trip to the other side of the United States because of it.

To speed this up, I think you can guess that the crux of my argument while flagellating myself was that I was stupid for not having a boyfriend.

I should have a boyfriend. Am I sexually attracted to men? Every boy I went to high school would say yes. And I am not the hit it and quit it type, so why am I single?

And especially now, how much different would my life be if I was partnered? What would now be like if I had someone (ANYONE) who was my person? You know, that one person you can (hopefully) count on when you need support and love and companionship during times of crisis. Times like this is why most sane people go out there and find themselves a companion, a boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, warm body, someone to rock them while they gently weep. And now, I can't stop thinking about if I would feel better about things right now if I had a boyfriend. Obviously, a rich boyfriend with a house on Martha's Vineyard is preferable, but any boyfriend really.

Would that make things better or worse, I wonder?

Well, I guess I'd never really know unless I actually went out an you know, tried to get a boyfriend. Ugh. So now I'm currently looking for full-time employment and a boyfriend, and if the first two actually work out, a new place to live. Gulp.

When do I get my official certificate stating that I have become a living, breathing, real-life Cathy comic strip (below)?

Now, I know there are some of you that are all "Junior, I thought you said you were gonna close up shop and stop trying to date when you turned 30!" And I'm here to tell you that yes, despite my feelings of complete and utter abandonment by everything I once held true and dear, I will still close up shop at age 30 if Mr. Anybody doesn't come around and sweep me off my getting-fatter-by-the-day feet.

But there's just one thing I have to mention...


So let's get to work. Okay, I have established a two-pronged process to finding someone who will take my mind off the fact that I have no money and will probably not have any money for quite some time. You can get involved in both parts and I plan to report the findings of my endeavors back to you. Actually, from now on, I'll tell you everything. I'll tell you how things go, if I am working someplace new, even if my loan company decides to accept used cassettes as payment. You'll be first to know. I'm kinda over people telling me what to do.

That was the reason I didn't just immediately disclose all my recent problems: this irrational concern about how other people feel about me talking about them on my blog. Obviously, given the state my life is in right now, people caring about me is the least of my problems. Alright, back to me and dating...

Okay, so I'm serious about this. 2010 is the year that Junior gets back in the swing of things. To that end, I have joined OK Cupid, which is a free dating site that I think is a lot of fun. So far I have only gotten a few bites which I will describe below, but I have gotten a few people to rate me with high scores so we're hoping there's air in my tires yet! I bring this up to say that if you know anyone, ANYONE, who would be interested in dating me and is in the NYC area, tell them to contact me at their earliest convenience. I don't have a car... Yes, add that to the list of my shortcomings, but I can be in Manhattan in 45 minutes! I am serious about this. If any prospects want to know more about me, my profile on OK Cupid is just "juicewithjunior," which is easy enough, and they can message me there or just e-mail me, whatever.

I will even make this incredibly easy for you. If there is any guy you know who maybe wants to date me but wants some more information and a picture, feel free to tell them I'm fantastic and send them the below picture.

It's my most recent...

Alright, fine! This is Mehcad Brooks (above), but tell them I can be whomever they want me to be when the lights go off. And I am black, if that helps (it won't).

I am literally throwing away my rulebook. The only rule is there are no rules. I will entertain any and every offer. But of course this isn't the only way I'm trying to meet my future Man-Who-Will-Be-Exasperated-By-Everything-I-Do.

I have also put together a mental list of men I encounter in my everyday life who I think I could try to take it to the next level with. Because "The Secret" says you have to externalize your wishes to manifest them into reality (don't worry, I'm laughing as I type this), I decided to share the list with you along with some pros and cons about each man.

You can help in this endeavor too! Of the men I describe, feel free to tell me who you think I should pursue in earnest. Also, I have changed some of their names, you know, because they didn't like ask for this, but if they found out, I wouldn't really care.

Let's gab...

Bachelor #1: Charlie

Charlie and I work together at my part-time job. Before I talk about Charlie specifically, I have to describe the workplace a little bit.

Without practically giving away the address, the basic gist is that I work at a small retail establishment near my house. Any more details and I would pretty much be inviting you into the store. But the thing worth noting about the place is that it is a literal sausage-fest. No joke, of the 25 or so employees that work there, about 7 of them are women and most days when I'm working there are only 1 or 2 women on staff. I have never in my life worked with so many men before. I suspect our boss' vajay had something to do with this, but I'm not complaining. Anyway, onto Charlie, who's my age.

Charlie may be the sweetest man I ever met. As I don't have a car, when I first started and was figuring out the bus situation, I was asking for people for rides to my apartment about 15 minutes away after work. Charlie said yes every time I asked him. In fact, he said yes so much that one day, I decided to ask Kevin, our manager, because I felt like I was abusing Charlie's generosity.

It's late and we're cleaning up and Charlie leans over to me and asks, "How are you getting home?"

"I was going to ask Kevin because he has..."

"I'll drive you."

"Oh, thanks Charlie, but I've asked you like three weeks in a row and..."

"It's no problem. I'll drive you."

We had to do some extra clean-up that night because my vagina exploded all over the sales floor. Since then, we've become friendly, but I can't figure him out. I've done everything except ask him if he's got a girlfriend or is into dudes and haven't gotten a straight answer. Every time he describes his living situation, he uses gender-neutral pronouns. I even had my bestie come in for her own personal brand of interrogation and still nada. This is bad because every time I see him I fall more in love with him.

Oh, I call him Charlie because he bears a strong resemblance to a grown-up Charlie Brown. I want to eat his face off it's so cute.

Pros: I am already in love with him.

Cons: May be in the Witness Protection Program (and is prolly straight as evidenced because I am already in love with him).

Bachelor #2: Walker

I met Walker on OK Cupid, and we've been talking for a little while. He kinda reminds me of Cuba Gooding, Jr. (above) in both appearance and intensity. He kinda attacked me when I first joined the site with a flurry of messages. Because each of those messages contained compliments of the highest order, I decided I would talk to him although I was a little put off by his aggressiveness.

Here's my weird thing about the world on on-line dating: I need everything to be just right. I need the guy to contact me first because I am crazy shy and I have social anxiety. Once I know you like me, I'm good, but don't make me make the first move. It may never happen. Conversely, you can't be too all up on me because then I get suspicious about your sanity and sobriety. Plus, I am distrustful of everyone because one of my ex-friends likes to go onto dating sites with fake profiles, find people he knows, and f#ck with them for his amusement. That is not a joke. Trust me.

So that's why I first was a little wary of Walker. When I showed a message to my bestie, even she said "Um, no." But over time, I warmed up to one thing: he's the only man I know for sure is gay who has shown any modicum of interest in me. I can't discount that. But as with anyone, there are problems. The main one being that I can barely understand the things he writes to me in his messages. For example, "Hey - was wondering what you're up to! you over all this snow? I still into it - the romance of a good snowfall, does the trick."

Would it be too much for you to write complete sentences? Am I being a fussbudget or if someone makes me slightly uncomfortable and/or annoyed, is that enough of a deal breaker? What if this person is your last resort?

Pros: May be my only option at this point.

Cons: May drive me crazy with his only communicating in textspeak.

Bachelor #3: Dan

I call Dan, Dan, because he looks like a young Daniel Craig (above).

He works at a pizzeria near my house. He typically wants nothing to do with any of the customers who come into the place and treats everyone like he's above it all, but I included him because he's hot and like an unruly stallion, I think I could break him if only I could get the chance to ride him.

Cons: Would definitely beat me up after sex.

Pros: Would definitely smell like pizza during sex.

Bachelor #4: Bucky

Bucky also works at the store, and is a relatively new character to my world as I just met him like 2 days ago. The reason I'm even thinking about him is because he looks like a more Italian version of Dylan McKay (above), which I think is what dreams are made of, and because his name is Bucky (it isn't but trust me, it's something equally as ridiculous). The moment I heard that someone named Bucky was working there and then I met him I knew that if I didn't try my damndest to sleep with him, I would be doing myself an extreme disservice. If only he had red hair. Let me not press my luck.

Now, when I met Bucky, he was very nice. We talked awkwardly for a few minutes and every time the lone girl co-worker, who is relatively attractive, tried to interject herself in front of Bucky's hotness, he rejected her. This made him advance all the way to Bachelor #4 on my list without his needing to do anything else. There are a couple of problem's with Bucky as you may suspect. First, I'm pretty sure he's 17 years old. Second, he's as dumb as a pile of bricks.

Nice as can be, but there's nothing else going on up there. We were ringing up customers and he leaned over to me in the middle of a transaction and asked why the register wasn't opening up for him to give out change. I took a look at the screen; the customer owed $20.87. Bucky had a $20 bill and two quarters in his hand. As sympathetically as I could, I looked up and said, "Um, Bucky, I think it's because the customer hasn't given enough money for their purchase. Ask for some more change and then retype the amount and then the register will open."

He did his best Jeff Spicoli laugh, and we moved on.

Cons: Is not working with a full deck, is prolly straight, and is 17.

Pros: Is 17. And is pretty.

Bachelor #5: Anderson Cooper


Pros: Is Anderson Cooper.

Cons: There are no cons.

Bachelor #6: Matt

My last bachelor is a friend of a friend who I've hung out with a couple of times. Basically, Matt is a whore. Everyone knows someone like Matt. He's not extremely attractive but he's popular and always has a someone on his arm and has a toxic inability to spend a night alone. I know that if I called Matt and pleaded my case, he might take pity on me and throw me a bone every once in awhile and I could pretend like our relationship was more than it was.

Wow, I am really scraping the bottom of the barrel if I'm considering calling Matt. Ugh. Btw, Matt kinda looks like Daniel Henney (above) but def not as hot or I would already be dating/sleeping with him natch.

Pros: Does actually know me and may be willing to pretend like he's dating me for my benefit.

Cons: Everything I just typed in the Pros section.

And yeah, that's about it. Kinda a motley crew, no? That's why I need your help. What should I do?! Or better yet, who should I do?! Also, remember that any prospects can be forwarded to me immediately as this list literally makes me want to join the priesthood. Or go to prison. I'd prolly have better luck dating in prison, right? They'd be more my type, I think. Do you have to pay student loans if you're in prison?

I'm off to investigate...


Pom said...

Unfortunately the only person I know in NYC is a 50-something Jewish woman with a husband, 2 kids, and a shiba inu she adores (adores the dog - not the family).

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around all of this. You're so damn adorable on so many levels that I'm trying to understand how you're struggling so much with dating. I guess it might stem from the confidence thing - confidence is sexy and attracts others. Getcha some! You have plenty going on to be confident about despite what it feels like in the current (not permenant) situation you're dealing with.

I hate that you even consider changing anything about you for the sake of a relationship. For one thing - you're worthy as you are. For another thing - I want you to have something true and authentic because you are so great. But perhaps relocating wouldn't be a bad idea. Not to mom and dad's pad but somewhere more like Miami...

I apologize for going all maternal here. My daughter's being a pita and therefore I feel the need to ooze mommy somewhere and you are the unfortunate recipient today.

At any rate - I think you're fab and deserve all wonderful things.

laura linger said...

Junior, I'll marry you. I mean, I'm already married, and I'm a chick, but still. Because you are just adorable.

Junior said...

Pom, I love you so much! Seriously, just thank you. I think I can prolly get through the rest of the week on your comment alone! Yeah, you're right. The confidence is maybe my major problem. I have high self-worth, but I have low self-esteem. I think I'm great, I just don't think anyone else thinks I'm great so I take rejection really hard.

It's funny you mention relocating because that's one of the things I was talking about with my bestie. We're going to Las Vegas soon as you know and she has challenged me to step off the plane a new person. Just drop all the NYC neuroses and go for anything and everything that I see before me. Maybe that is what I need...

laura, thank you! You are too sweet! And yes, yes, yes, a million times yes!

Wonder Man said...

This is such a great post. I hope you find this man

Junior said...

Thanks! I hope I do too! Cross your everything for me!

Ermine said...

Oh boy.
I will work backwards as that's my way.
Stay away from Matt. He will break your heart and give you crotch crickets before the flowers dry out. His popularity is bad news as boyfriend material.
Anderson(Andy!) Cooper might be ok. If you are fine with being in the closet again and dealing with his nickname Anderson Pooper.
Bucky(OhDylanyesYES!) would never make you happy in the long run. You will soon stop finding the dimness charming. Explanations become tedious when love is involved. Maybe just explain how tab B fits into slot A once. Call it life experience. Play safe!
Dan will leave you feeling like less of a person. He is insecure. Pizza for supper every night doesn't sound bad however. Greasy pepperoni kisses!
Walker scares me. Red flags!
Charlie sounds like sweetness. The use of non gender tags (they and them I assume) is a typical thing beginner gays do. But how does one find out?! HOW!
Just remember, you have at least 5 people here who think you are fab, personality wise and on fashion photo days, fetching. SO that means boys out there Will and mayhaps DO too. Take that idea and turn it into esteem. Or love.

C. Paul Keller said...

Oh, Junior! I'm so pleased you're putting yourself out there. I have a soft spot for the OKCupid, cuz that's where I met my boyf. But I'm not going to run on and on about it because I was single long enough to know how obnoxious that is. But I will say that you are bound to find someone, cuz you are smart and funny and cute. When I was single, had I lived in the area, I would have asked you out ages ago. It'll happen, trust and believe.

First, Charlie sounds like a possibility. Honestly, when I was younger and trying to not act gay at work, I would talk the same way and also I was always offering rides to my work-crush. (Not that kind of ride. I'm a lady!) But it is excruciating trying to decipher which team guys like that bat for. I would keep my eyes and ears open. Some clue is bound to slip.

Second, the Cuba doppelganger. That is one problem with online dating. People online, even incredibly intelligent ones, tend to type like a 14-year-old girl on AIM. I wouldn't take that as a sign of anything, but I also noticed that the boyf was one of the few guys who used full sentences and proper grammar. Is there a connection? I wouldn't discount just yet. Have you talked on the phone? That's a great way to get a better feeling on his smarts without meeting in person.

I think we all know Dan is a no-starter. But he sure sounds nice to look at... Same with Bucky. Dumb boys can be so cute! But not really boyfriend material. Anderson Cooper is the perfect boyfriend for you. If I didn't have that dang restraining order I'd try to set you two up. And a big fat NO to Matt. Man whores are good to know if you can hit it and quit it, or you get a boyf and start wishing for a threeway, but not boyfriend material.

PS: Prison is a great way to meet guys. I'm just not sure how you'd look in orange.

Junior said...

Hey ermine! I have to comment about everything in your comment because I love you so much! Okay, yes, Matt. I have known Matt for like 10 years and have stayed away from him the entire time. He went to elementary and high school with other people I know and let me just tell you, honey child, I have heard stories...

But he's relatively pleasant and we're reaching levels of desperation heretofore never seen but you're right. I'll continue to stay away... Andy will always be on the list, no matter what!

I have a twisted sense of humor so I think I could be happy with Bucky for a long time although I'm sure I would try to improve his intelligence and once he got smart enough, he'd leave me... GREASY PEPPERONI KISSES is honestly the only reason to ever look at Dan sideways! Walker scares me too, that's prolly a bad sign. As for Charlie, I'm working on it, let me just say that... Thanks for the positive words. I am working on the self-esteem!

Junior said...

Hey Paul! I know, it's like I have another PT job as an investigator! I was telling my bestie that every other man asserts his heterosexuality within the first like 10 minutes you meet him. It's "girlfriend" this or "she's hot" that. With Charlie... NOTHING! We were driving to my apt one night and he asked if I lived alone. I said yes and asked about his living sitchy. He said he lives with "people"! WHAT IS PEOPLE?! Is "people" roommates, girlfriend, boyfriend, WHAT!?

I haven't talked to Walker on the phone yet because I was uncomfortable and I said to myself maybe I shouldn't waste his time if I was already uncomfortable, but as I've already determined that he may be my only option, maybe I will...

I also forgot to add that Matt has this thing for seducing straight men. It's like his hobby, like macramé or bird watching. I showed up at three parties he was at one year and he had three different "straight" men on his arm saying things like "This isn't my usual crowd but Matt wanted me to come tonight..." Such a whore, nice as a button and funny... but a ho nonetheless... Will not go there!

p.s. you're right about red, a navy jumper would be so much better for me. If you are still rocking the red highlights, Paul, it could work for you...

Sam said...

OK, first of all, that was a very funny post and I don't know why I haven't seen your wry short story collection at Barnes and Noble.

Second, you are darned cute and totally dateable. Remember that and repeat it to yourself.

Third, regarding Walker, "he's the only man I know for sure is gay who has shown any modicum of interest in me." That's a really, really low standard. I know you're feeling down about yourself, but really guy, take Walker off the list. You're an educated man of the world and he can't form sentences. Repeat what I said above.

I don't know the legal age is NY, but if it's 17 then I definitely think you should F**k Bucky. Soon and often. If it's 18, then wait for his birthday. As I was reading all about your woes, I thought to myself "maybe he needs to get laid more than he needs a boyfriend."

I like the idea of Charlie. He's definitely the best choice above. I wish I had some magic way of determining his gayness. Kids these days are so open and cool that it's becoming impossible to tell. In my day, you could always tell which side of a man's bread was buttered but today who knows?

See how that works? I just slipped in a Steel Magnolias reference when you weren't looking. Find some gay-iconic reference for your generation and work it in. See how he reacts. My feeling is, since he's driven you home over and over, he's already interested. Maybe he's waiting on you to make the first move. Maybe he's not sure if you're into guys.

Keep us posted.

Junior said...

Hey Sam! I get what you're saying about the sex. Part of the problem is that I think about sex all the time so I thought I should at least look for love because if I didn't, I would only be looking for sex and that would make me Matt. Shudder.

But I am seriously going to be dropping hints HARD when I see Bucky again because it needs to happen. Most of these hints will be delivered while I'm bent over, a$$ out, on the register counter. Just so you know.

And I agree about Charlie. He's the guy I think about the most. I think our babies would be adorbs and I like the fact that his eyes close up slightly when he smiles. But I don't want to make the first move! It always comes out wrong! Although I did drop the "I live alone now but that's just because I don't live with anyone special" Eyelash flutter, bat bat bat, imaginary hair flip...

I don't know how to handle any guy that doesn't pick up on an imaginary hair flip. I need to get out more...

Sam said...

If he didn't pick up on the imaginary hair flip, he may be a tough nut to crack. bah da bum.

Pom said...

Ok. I've been pondering things and I think I have an idea for Charlie (I also really realize how badly I need a life but that isn't likely to happen)... Here goes...

Charlie has been giving you rides home for quite awhile now. I am sure, being the classy guy you are, that you have shown proper gratitude for his kindness. However - have you asked him up to your place for a "thank you" pizza, meal, drink, peek at your fav piece of art, etc.? Might be a perfect route for you considering your shyness and uncertainty regarding his status. It's all done under the premise of a "thank you" so if he agrees to come up or declines you haven't invested yourself too far. If he does accept that offer though - you're on your way to at least figuring out the mystery. Sounds like anything with him might be slow moving but is that such a bad thing? ;o)

Junior said...

Exactly Sam, what to do!!

Pom, loving you and your ideas! Okay, could I modify it to ask if he maybe wanted to stop for a bite to eat after work or something, my treat, because he's driving (like I have money to treat anyone but for matters of the heart, I'll find it). The only reason I say so is because dontcha think the apartment invite is a little too forward, and also dontcha think my apartment should be clean before I do that, in case he says yes.

My place is ordely but upon closer inspection you quickly realize I only clean when medically necessary!

Pom said...

Can you modify it? Honey, it's your life! You can do whatcha wanna do that will get the job done for you. Hell, you can offer to buy him a slice in the park if you want. I was just thinking that a meal prepared by you might be A) less expensive and B) might be enough information for him to make a decision as well as an admission by accepting and C) implies some romantic intentions without being too aggressive. You'd know a great deal just from his response that way.

I assumed that you'd clean before you invite him over lol

Junior said...

Pom, I try not to clean (like down on your knees scrubbing) unless things start coming off the phone asking to use the phone...

But what made me laugh is that I always ask if I can change advice people give me because sometimes people get mad at you if you ask for their advice and don't follow it to the letter! I've gotten many a "Well don't ask me if you're not gonna do what I say..." so I always do.

But yes, I think a drink at the apt or a slice outside the pizzeria when it gets a little warmer may be just the thing!