You have to forgive me for being a little late with this one. International celebrity recording artistHeidi Montag released an album last month called "Superficial" (cover above). I meant to write about it as soon as it came out natch, but we'll just say that I was so enraptured by what I heard that it took me a month to really sort out my feelings, to overcome it all. Now if you don't know who Heidi Montag is A) have you not been reading my blog for like ever and B) I'll tell you.
First of all, she's an international celebrity recording artist as I said, and she also was on a show called something like "The Hills," but she only did that because her managers (Spencer Pratt and the stray cat that follows her car around) convinced her to do it.
It wasn't even her idea. You may also know her because she's been in the news lately for getting so much plastic surgery that she's on the road to being the new millennium version of Jocelyn Wildenstein(click if you dare). It's why I've given Heidi the name "Baby Joss," affectionately of course. But this is all secondary...
To the music.
Thankfully, longtime reader Ermine (thanks Ermine!) sent me the link to a place where I could listen to the album in its entirety.
Seriously, beyond glad I did. I also love how there's a few of you out there who aren't quite sure if I'm being serious. Well, I'll just leave that Oscar nommed George Clooney movie and start talking about the music... Ready? A song by song breakdown is below:
(p.s. a note on the grades... A Grade "A" song is like a song that isn't the worst thing you've ever heard while a grade "F" song... you get the idea. Click the titles to hear for yourself...)
"Look How I'm Doing": The beginning sounds like what I imagine the music that plays during a sex show in Bangkok sounds like, except skankier. Heidi is barely audible throughout the whole track, which is prolly a good thing. Also, the chorus features Baby Joss saying "ha ha ha ha," which I interpret to be her imitating the laughter of people who listen to the album. In other words, I love this song. Grade: B+
"Turn Ya Head": Any song with video game sounds in the background wins points with me. Did she just say "b!tch"? I have no idea what she is saying. This is a good thing. Okay, seriously, at about 2 minutes in, I have no idea what is happening. All I hear is whispering and Baby Joss talking. It's making me unconfortable. Grade: B-
"Fanatic": This song sounds like a 7 year old produced it on a Casio. A good Casio, but a Casio nonetheless. Grade: C
"Superficial": She sing/talks "They say that I'm conceited because they really want to be me." This song has literally been every 14 year old gay boys' anthem for the past 2 weeks. This beat is slowly growing on me. Damn it, this song will be my anthem for the next 2 weeks. Grade: B
"More Is More": It starts off like an exploded blood clot of Heidi all over your ears. She also sing/talks "It's f#cking chaos in here!" which I take to mean she's referring to the recording session. Grade: D
"One More Drink": Why did she choose this song and not "Overdosin'", which is infinitely better? Did I just compare/contrast Heidi Montag songs? Grade: F
"Twisted": Do not listen if you have an aversion to hearing Heidi screech for three minutes. Fave lyric so far: "What you've been doin'/Who you been screwin'?" Automatic line grade: A. Song... Grade: C
"Hey Boy": She just sang/talked "Don't act like you're paying my bills when you know your broke a$$ can't even pay attention."
Automatic lyric grade: A++. Someone please tell me that Baby Joss had even a little something to do with these lyrics. I just want to believe so much that she has some kind of sass within that Botoxed, bleached blond skull of hers. Also, strangely, this may be the best song on the album. Grade: A-
"My Parade": Starts off with an actual marching band (or you know, the Marching Band feature in Pro Tools), which is actually slightly creative with the lyric "rain on my parade." Hmm, Baby Joss, there may be quality in you yet. After listening a little longer, I'm gonna say it: This is a good song. I have no shame. Grade: A-
"Blackout": Okay, this has got to stop. I actually like this song a little too. It's got a cool easy-going vibe. This is when you know you have listened to too much Baby Joss; it gets into your system. Actually, this song would be great for someone like Katy Perry. Trust me, she's already hard at work on taking it. Grade: B+
"I'll Do It": I don't want to hear about Baby Joss having sex. Grade: F
"Love It or Leave It": Seriously, how long is this album? I feel like I've been listening to an animatronic sex robot coo preprogramed phrases for her owner for an hour, which is technically what I've been doing. Oh, this is the last song. Thank God, let's listen to "My Parade" again. Grade: F
So what did you think? Are you gonna rush out and get a second copy of "Superficial" because I know you already have the first copy you bought? What's your favorite song? Sorry, song was supposed to be in quotes.
I'm gonna go listen to "Overdosin'" for the 357th time! Bye!
Junior, After Dark is my Tumblr about gay, erotic personal entertainment videos and general male hotness! WARNING: The site is incredibly NSFW. You must be 18+ and must consent to viewing images of nudity and sex acts performed mostly by men.