Juice with Junior

Okay, last time we discussed the guys...

This time, it's all about those girls in Hollywood whose looks get way too much attention for not being that spectacular. Now, understand, I normally give actresses a break from my ribbing. Think about it.

They have enormous pressure to look perfect and be thin thin thin, yet womanly, all the time.

They don't get no respect past 40 and even when they're younger, they have to fight for the too few roles that are out there. If they're not actresses, they often have to trade some of their sexuality to get noticed in H-wood. That's why I was hesitant to even do a list like this. Why should I contribute to the impossible standard of beauty set by Hollywood? Well I'm gonna try hard not to from now on, but here's why I did the post anyway...

I've noticed there's this breed of female celebrity that does little to no actual creating, yet subsists because straight and bi guys and lesbians too (admit it girls) think these ladies are hot. And the stars do nothing to counter that perception. They happily take roles away from the more deserving simply because people think they're hot. But here's the a$$ kicker...

They aren't even really that hot! They just happen to have a coterie of make-up and hairstylists to do up their Plain Jane looks and a team of publicists to make sure the lad mags sell them as hot. Well, here's one guy whose simply not buying!

Here are My Top 5: Female Stars Who Ain't That Hot!


5)


Megan Fox (above)

I chose the pin-up girl of the moment, actress Fox, for the #5 slot because I don't think that she's too far away from hot. I couldn't look into those jewel blue eyes and say that Fox wasn't comely. The thing that I don't understand about all the fervor over how she looks is the fact that no one has said she looks like she's cast out of plastic. It's something about how they shape her eyebrows and use that bronzer on her skin that makes her entire face look like it's literal plastic. And aside from her eyes, it's a pretty normal looking face.

Nothing to write home about.

And her body is beautiful but so are a lotta women's. Fox doesn't need to be as hunted by everyone as she is now. See what I did there? Fox... Hunted... Oh, me!

Hotter Equivalent: Angelina Jolie, yesterday, today, and tomorrow


4)


Jessica Biel (above)

I don't like Jessica Biel, and if I ever meet her, I'll say it to her face. There's something snivelly about her beady little eyes and that mouth with the too many teeth. When she's all made to look pretty, she does pull it off, but "hot?" I'm saving that for someone who deserves it.

Hotter Equivalent: a Baby Colt (that one's for dating the Timberfake!)


3)


Eliza Dushku (above)

I'm pretty sure I've told this story before, but when I was in college I had a little TV and back when you could get TV with an antenna, I managed to get one channel (Fox 68: Syracuse) that came through clearly. As it was a FOX station, I was forced to watch "Tru Calling," Dushku's horrendous show on the network. At the time, she was touted as the hot thing after "Bring It On," but I wondered why everyone was making a fuss over this mousy looking girl with a weird voice and a barely-there attitude. I still wonder this...

Hotter Equivalent: Jamie-Lynn Sigler


2)


Jessica Alba (above)

Okay, can I be honest? Can I be really honest? I have NEVER understood the fascination with Jessica Alba. EVER! I don't know why she ever was picked over someone in an audition. I don't know why she's famous. I don't know why she keeps getting roles. She had one good role, as one of the popular girls in "Never Been Kissed" and that's it. My ranting aside...

I mean she's cute. Lovely? Sure. Attractive? You're pushing it. See, for someone to be hot, they have to have a modicum of passion about them and I'm afraid Alba is about as passionate as a glass of icea tea, which unless it's been poured over someone hot, is just not hot. And having a great figure helps, but it isn't everything... Sorry the other Jessica...

Hotter Equivalent: Zoe Saldana


1)


Kim Kardashian (above)

Kim Kardashian is not an actress. She's not a singer. Or a model. Or anything. Like Joel McHale on "The Soup" says "She's famous for having a big a$$ and a sex tape." And I'm afraid that if the former Almost Mrs. Reggie Bush had to rely on anything lookswise than having comically large breasts and a shelf booty, she's be hurting for food at this point.

There's nothing else.

And can we talk about that body for a minute? That booty is just an un-sexy unnecessary exaggeration of some warped straight guy fantasy and those breasts... they don't look happy. They're big, but they have no joy in life. No excitement. I can't understand why people like her when sister Khloe is bringing the sexy with a personality to boot on the daily!

Hotter Equivalent: Nicole Scherzinger


Now it's time for you to make your opinions known about the ladies. Are there any female celebs out there you find to just be your run-of-the-mill pretty and they prolly shouldn't be getting all this press from everyone for being the hot young thang?

Or do you want to explain what I'm missing about the supposed hotness of the ladies above? I'd love to hear your arguments to my contrary.

Oh and it doesn't have to just be young starlets for your list.

There are plenty of people from the past whose presumed hotness confused me. Like Daryl Hannah (right). I never really understood what was going on there or why she played the sexy one so often. When I saw her in the beginning of "Steel Magnolias," I thought she was finally acting the way I feel about her. But that's enough shade from me.

Throw some of your own!

Ladies and their heels in downtown Manhattan.

Hey everyone! We're back and we're gonna talk about something a little different today. You see, I was websiting recently when I stumbled across a blog that was extolling the hotness of some actor, and something struck me as interesting. While we here at Juice with Junior spend a lot of time talking about hotness, from John Cena to The Sunday Swoons, I like to think that we aren't 'Hotness Skanks,' you know, those people who just say any flavor of the month is hot without even thinking about it. Not here, and not me.

At the blog, we spend a lot of time going over the key factors that make someone hot, face, body, personality, presence, attitude, face, body, and make a final determination about whether that person deserves to be called hot.

That doesn't mean if they don't make the cut, they're ugly; maybe it means they're cute or lovable or attractive.

But "hot" is reserved for those people who haunt our dreams every night making sweet sweet love to us in a way only hot people can. (And don't look at me cross, in no way do I think I'm hot. Instead, I know what I am: quirky.)

However, more and more, I go around and I read websites and magazines and hear conversations in the streets about how some famous person is "sooo hot" when in fact, they're just alright. Not anything special. I'm not swooning. The reason I think this is important is because back in the day, in order to be famous, you had to come correct with your hotness. It had to be very clear that you looked good. Elizabeth Taylor, Rock Hudson, Marlon Brando... You couldn't be a sex symbol in the past unless your sh!t was on point, which is why this incessant "he's hot, she's hot" gets on my nerves. Make 'em work for it! Don't give away the label so freely. You see the paces I put Javier Bardem through, and even still I'm not 100%.

That's why I'm starting a list of some people in entertainment who need to be brought down a peg because they ain't that hot. Let's start with the men. Now I know, there may be some names on this list people will fight me about, but I stick to my choices and am holding up my shield to protect me from haterade.

Let's go... Here are My Top 5: Male Stars Who Ain't That Hot.


5)


Eric Bana (above)

I've seen a bunch of posters for "The Time Traveler's Wife," Bana's romantic drama with Rachel McAdams recently and heard the swoony comments women and gay men had given to him, but I just don't see it.

Not even when he was practically half-naked in "Troy" did I think he was that hot, which is weird because he's Australian and all Australians are hot. But no. I kinda think that he looks like a chipmunk. But before you think I'm being harsh, understand that this comes from someone who also strongly resembles a chipmunk so I can criticize my own kind.

Hotter Equivalent: Hugh Jackman


4)


Chris Evans (above)

When Evans burst onto the scene in "Fantastic Four," the sound you hear from theater to theater was that of panties hitting the floor. I pulled mine up higher still and rallied to my friends that he was not hot. I was told I was insane.

I countered that Evans would be hot if he was a barista at your local coffeehouse, but as a movie star, he's blah. All doughy blandness, the equivalent of biting into a perfectly golden pancake that wasn't left to cook on the inside.

Hotter Equivalent: Channing Tatum


3)


Tyrese (above)

So I was watching "Chelsea Lately" recently (when am I not?) and she had Tyrese on, and all the ladies in the audience starting swooning.

I wondered, why? He sure does have some big... teeth. That's about it. Anyway, he's been starring in these epic summer blockbusters recently, "Transformers: Taking America's Money Since 2007," being the latest one, and I guess he's a passable actor. He's about as passable as an actor as he is an R&B singer (damn I've got hate, don't I!?) but hot? I think not.

Hotter Equivalent: Tyson Beckford


2)


Jason Statham (above)

I'm gonna say it because I've been thinking it forever. You could crack open Jason Statham's head an fry yourself an omelet. There, it's been said. It's ginormous. I said that too. Listen, I'm gonna say this as well. There is no reason to find the British action star attractive in any way. Done. Except for saying that I won't deny that he has the parts to be hot, but the way they were arranged ended up ruining the final product. Let's do a final check with my groin...

Nothing. Just nothing.

Hotter Equivalent: Bruce Willis


1)


Gerard Butler (above)

The guy who I was reading about being hot, the guy who started it all, Scottish actor Butler (sorry foreigners! I do find so many other men from the UK attractive, promise!) has never been one to light my fire. When he was thin, he was aiiight. When he got thicker for movies like "300," I still wasn't impressed. He just seemed more round than muscular really...

And now that he's become this bone fide star, who might I add gay men seem to go gaga for, I am puzzled. Is he hot? Really? He looks a little bloated if you ask me, and charmless. And dull. And I'm really trying to be objective here. With all the guys, I've tried to choose what I consider their sexiest photo maybe thinking I'll have a change of heart. But Butler still does nothing for me. Is it a type thing? I don't think so, I love me a tall beefy guy. But there's something wormy about Butler. Can't put my finger on it. Don't want to put my finger on it.

Hotter Equivalent: Anyone on the French National Rugby Team


Now I need to know, are there any male movie stars who think aren't that hot or not as hot as people say they are? And it doesn't have to be movie stars, those are my picks.

It could be guys in music, TV, theater, any guy who've looked at and wondered what the fuss was over. I have a few more like Brits Clive Owen and Robert Pattinson (right) who I'm taking a long and hard look at to evaluate their hotness. And if you want to defend the hotness rights of any of the guys I did choose, then be my guest, but I assure you, I will put up a fight.

Betta go and get your armor...

Last thing, don't think this is only the men.

Nexties, we will be taking a look at those female stars who dominate the lad mag covers and ask ourselves, is she really all that hot. See you then.

This is what I like to call 'Up to the Minute' blogging. So I was in the grocery store TODAY! when I was walking past a check-out aisle on my way to the self-checkout area (which is still the best way to buy condoms... not that I'd need them...) when I happened to pass the September issue of O Magazine.

That's the cover to the left.

Now I don't know if you guys read O Magazine. I read the first issue and the only reason I did was because I worked at a bookstore and could get a copy. In all my life, I have never seen so many Susans, Joans, and Robertas buy a magazine so quickly. It was insanity. Anyway, it's a pretty good magazine for ladies filled with articles with titles like "Find Your Strength" and "Shape Your Destiny" and the ever present "Listen to the Voice Within." You know, articles like that. My mother reads it in secret. She openly hates Oprah, but then I find copies of O Magazine stuffed under mattresses and in closets like she's hiding drugs. Anyway, Oprah herself is on the cover of every issue, usually with a big smile wearing a sun dress or a killer suit rocking some expensive chunky jewelry and the world's best Photoshop team.

But when I passed the issue above on the stands, something struck me as different. The look in Oprah's eyes... This is not your normal smile and a sun dress look. Oprah is clearly trying to tell us something. What could it be?

In order to find out, I put together some ideas for what Oprah could be trying to tell us from beyond the cover. Pick your fave or if you think she's saying something else, please contribute. Stare at the image and it will come to you.

She's telling us...


Or


Or


Or


Or


Or


For more information on this one, click here.

Or


Or


Or my personal favorite...


Now, what you do think Oprah is trying to say with her look on this cover? I had like five more but I thought it best to quit while I was ahead.

(p.s. feel free to make any of them your desktop wallpapers. I know I will!)

Hey everyone! Alright, let's get to it.

So I know I haven't been talking about it because it's not the blog theme anymore, but my "Looking Fine in 2009" mission is not over. While I haven't been exercising as much as maybe I should, I have been keeping my eating in check: fruits, vegetables, lean meats put it all on me.

Because of it, I have not only maintained the weight I originally lost, but I have also lost a little bit more weight! Yeah! Well, this post is not about that. Instead, I wanted to share a few things I've realized during my time of eating well, and those revelations have to do with fast food. You tasty demon you...

See, I used to not be a stranger to the fast food houses. I had no problem entering a drive-thru, sometimes twice or three times a day. But one day I read how many calories and miligrams of sodium were in a quarter pounder with cheese and RECORD SCREECH said "Oh, I don't think so!"

That's why, in March, actually on March 1 to be exact, I stopped eating all that stuff. Yes, no McDonalds, no Burger King, no KFC. I haven't had a McFlurry in 6 months people! 6 MONTHS! That one was the hardest to give up. Anyway, I wanted to briefly go over a few things I've noticed ever since I stopped eating fast food. I'm not saying you should give it up too. But I would strongly advise it for the following reasons.

Read on, for your health...


1. They put stuff in the food to make you addicted to it.

This is not an opinion. This is not a conspiracy theory. This is the truth.

How do I know? Because after I stopped eating the food, I spent some time jonesing it so badly, I looked like a junkie. And I discovered something else. It takes about 2 months for whatever they put in the food to work its way out of your system. By May, I didn't even want a quarter pounder. Now, I'm not saying they use coke. But it is like a coke derivative. Like Splenda is to sugar. It's like Cocaina.

And it's sprinkled on those french fries something awful.


2. Fast food will make you fatter faster than any other "food" will.

I swear to you, I lost 10 pounds by simply not eating Burger King. I kept it off by walking in the other direction from Dunkin' Donuts. America most certainly does not run on Dunkin.

It mostly waddles.


3. You will never be hungry enough for all the calories packed into one value meal. Never ever. Never ever ever.

Even if you're really, really hungry, that kind of hungry that makes you look at parts of your car and think "maybe I could eat that," you will never be hungry enough to need to consume the amount of calories the main meat, side, and drink in a value meal contains. No one needs to consume that amount of calories - 1,000, 1,200, 1,500! - in one sitting. It's not biologically necessary. If you're hungry, 700 calories is enough to sate your stomach. Even 500 calories is enough. Put the meal down.

Step away from the counter...


4. The "food" itself doesn't even taste very good.

I think about it now and I realize that not only was there clearly something in the fast food, but also that the food itself wasn't really that good. The part I loved about the french fries was the fat and salt, the best part of the burger was the ketchup and secret sauce (fat and salt), and the drink was just fizzy and usually tasted like flavored water at the end. Then they want $5 to $6 for a meal! I don't think so!

Where are my rice cakes and grapes?!

My disclaimer to this post is that I'm not here to tell you how to run your life. If you want to eat fast food, then by all means, eat fast food. Trust me, for many years, I did and had no problem doing so. Thus, if you want to, be my guest. Although it's like smoking, I don't care if you do, but if you're addicted, then maybe a little nudge is all you need.

Now, do you eat fast food? If so, are you unabashedly OK with it or do you eat in secret like I used to?

I used to order my meal to eat at home with my family or in front of my friends and the "in the car" meal, which was often items from the dollar menu that would tide me over until I got home. I know! I KNOW! I was the worst. What about you? Have you given up fast food and what did you notice about the food and yourself when it was said and done?

And yes, I'd like fries with that...

Hey peeps! Now that we finished talking about sexy places, I thought there was no time better than the present to discuss that certain part of the male anatomy that has to do with sex. The penis. Penis. PEEEEENIIIIISSSSS!

Why am I getting all Samantha Jones (link NSFW) in here? Because I just saw that commercial (above) for ExtenZe, that pill that is supposed to make a man's penis larger. Except that they can't really say that in the commercial because THEY HAVE NO PROOF THAT IT WORKS. And the fact that their drug has not been approved by the UNITED STATES FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION, that entity that tries to ensure the chemicals Americans take don't kill them.

I'm not saying the FDA always gets it right...

But they try, and God bless 'em. Back to the penis.


Listen, guys, I know. Our society reveres the large penis, oh and by the way, penis is an anatomical name that is perfectly OK to use around your children so don't think I should censor myself. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Okay, good.

Anyway, our society revers the large penis. Porn stars have these penises that look like small arms and every guy with a cell phone camera and a dream seems to have photos on the Interwebs of him showing off how long is shlong is ("shlong" btw is not an anatomical term). We also have this thing where we take drugs for everything, here's looking at you Brooke Shields. But, to the millions of gentlemen buying this product, I have one thing to say and I urge you to listen closely and take notes...


Men, PLEASE! There is nothing wrong with the size of your penis. Put the pills DOWN! Listen to me, please, listen. Let's say you took a pill to, um, help your heart beat better and you went to the doctor and they said "It seems like you have an enlarged heart." Do you know what any good doctor's gonna do...

TAKE YOU OFF THE MUTHAF#CKING MEDICATION! That's what!

Because pills are not supposed to make anything get bigger in the body than it already is. If a pill does that, then that's called an adverse reaction and you should STOP TAKING IT! And if the makers of a product don't say exactly what it does in a commercial, that means it doesn't do ANYTHING! What do you think? Does it make any sense to you why a man would f#ck up his body's chemistry by taking a pill that prolly does nothing? Who else thinks these commercials are hilarious?

I know...

I wish I could say that this post came about from anything other than my overriding obsession with sex. But it didn't.

Instead this post is from that part of my brain, except there's no need to stamp a "Junior After Dark" on this one because we're talking about places that are sexy without having anything to do with sex. I was driving by one of these places recently and realized that it reminded me of sexy times so strongly. Then I thought about it. There are a lot of places that aren't designed for sex but give me that familiar stirring. So here are My Top 5: Favorite Places That Are Sexy Without Having Anything to Do With Sex.

Let's get hot 'n bothered...

p.s. you'll be able to contribute your choices after I'm done! Freaknik!


5)


Locker Rooms

It's an oldie but goodie. I think everyone prolly has a good few fantasies about getting some in a locker room. I have about 617, and 615 of those have something to do with my high school gym teacher. Yum. Anyway, locker rooms really shouldn't be sexy at all. They're hot and dank and usually smell like an armpit and have bacteria crawling around on the floor.

But then there's the nudity. And the showering. Of toned bodies from a sporting event or the gym. In one place. Steam. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Whew, locker rooms are def on the list...

Similar places: Saunas, Pool houses, Steam rooms
Not sexy: Locker room bathrooms


4)


Brookstone (above)

Okay, if you've ever been in a Brookstone, you know what I'm talking about.

If you haven't, Brookstone is this store, which has replaced The Sharper Image in the sexy department, that sells useless travel and home goods that you don't need, including massage everything. A trip to Brookstone is sitting in one of their sample massage chairs while a cute salesperson in a soothing voice tells you "Now, this chair retails for $499, and we have a neck massager that comes with it and goes like... buzzzzzzzz..."

"How does that feel?"

It feels good, Brookstone, really good.

Similar places: La-Z-Boy, Bath & Body Works, Anywhere that sells beds
Not sexy: Victoria's Secret, Anywhere that sells actual vibrators


3)


Flat-Bed/Pick-up Trucks

There's just something sexy about a truck. Have you ever looked at the backseat of a truck that has one? It's palatial. It makes you wonder, what goes on back there with the stud who owns this thing. What goes on in the hatch?

Hmmm...

Similar places: Firetrucks, Moving vans
Not sexy: Hot rods, the Prius


2)


the Kitchen

Tell me at least once in your life, you've had a significant other make you a meal in their kitchen. I tell you there is nothing sexier. Unless their making fish or something garlicy that smells up the place. No, if it's some chicken recipe with the herbs and spices and those smells are wafting through, your senses are aroused and when they invite you for a taste, you want so much more. *Slowly fall to the floor with head next to fridge*

See, that's why I'm not a fan of these new-fangled "open air" kitchens they put in houses now. The best kitchens have a door to trap all those delicious smells in and give you a private place to taste all the flavors your honey has to offer...

Similar places: the Dining Room, the Patio, the Grocery Store
Not sexy: Industrial restaurant kitchens, Bathrooms without showers


1)


Fire Stations/Houses

Okay, you got me! The reason I thought about this at all is because I was driving in Manhattan one day and I drove past a firehouse and all these incredibly gorgeous firemen were standing outside, just chillin', and that's when I realized that fire stations or fire houses may be the sexiest place that has nothing to do with sex ever! Let's break it down...

It's a house filled with hot men and women who all train their bodies (hopefully) to be strong enough to rescue people and hoist gigantic hoses pumping hard with gushes of water. When there's no fire, they're just sitting around all day in the house with nothing really to do. How ever shall they occupy themselves? I mean, come on!

It's all about sex. Just take a look at the design of most firehouses themselves. They're big and red and throbbing. Okay, so I threw that last one in for dramatic effect, but they usually are all built with fire poles that the firefighters slide down to put out the fire. I'll say that again: fire poles. Slide down. Put out the fire.

Similar places: EMT stations, Police/fire station hybrids, Anywhere there are actual firemen
Not hot: Actual fires where people get like hurt


That's my incredibly apropos of nothing list!

Now what places that have nothing to do with sex are the most sexy to you? I can think of a few more but I'd like to see what you come up with. Oh and as a bonus, what places that people always associate with sex do you not find sexy at all? I have never thought airplane bathrooms are sexy. First of all, it's a bathroom. Secondly, plummeting 30,000 feet with my underwear around my ankles is not a good look.

What do you think?

Alright, it's story time again! Gather 'round, kiddies. I know it seems like I have a lot of stories recently and that's because... I do! I've started doing this thing I like to call "livin' life"! I've never done it before, and you know what? I'm kinda liking it. Okay, so this story happened last week but it's taken me a little while to get all the pictures together, but I'll done and ready to gab.

Okay, here's the beginning... From the moment my mother found out that her favorite radio personality, Wendy Williams (above), was going to have a national talk show, which began on FOX, MyNetworkTV and BET a few months ago, my mother's first words to me were "Get tickets."

Let's just say that I was a little surprised. This was coming from a woman who complained for two hours when we went into the city and saw "Ragtime" because and I quote "Getting to and from the theater... it was too much walking." She can be a bit of a diva (see where I get it from), so I couldn't believe she wanted to go to a show taping. But she insisted that she wanted to see Wendy live, so the first week we found out that "The Wendy Williams Show" was taping episodes in Manhattan, I signed us up for tickets. Now, for background if you don't know, Wendy Williams had hosted a popular syndicated radio talk show based at WBLS in New York City, and she recently got a talk show picked up to air every day in the morning. The show's very "Tyra"-lite: a little gossip, a little entertainment, a lotta Wendy. So anyway, as I said, mom wanted to go.

Here's where the drama starts. So as I said, I signed up for tickets in like June for a show taping in August, the month of my mom's birthday, which I thought would be a nice gift. I invited my bestie and her sister because mom said she wanted them to come. The entire time until the taping, unbeknownst to me, my mother had both not even seen the show and was also developing a severe case of "I Don't Want to Turn Fifty-Something" Itis. But we'll get to that...


During the time between requesting tickets to a taping and the actual show (p.s. it took forever for the ticket request to be confirmed in the first place), I received several e-mails like the one above (click to enlarge) which outlined what you should wear and the arrival time for getting to the West Side studio.

Okay, so if you haven't watched the show, Wendy has a few segments that involve the audience as she only has 2 guests on each episode. Hey, it's a new show. Girlfriend doesn't have the clout to attract a bunch of guests everyday, regardless of the fact that it's pretty ghetto as it is. So one of the segments is "Ask Wendy," where audience members can ask advice from Wendy about all kinds of issues. Anyway, in addition to the 'Dress to Impress' e-mails, I also kept getting e-mails from one of the show producers for "Ask Wendy."

The producer wanted your questions, anything that you'd like to talk to Wendy about. Well for the longest time, I couldn't think of anything I'd want to ask because well, it could be on TV and I'd be with my mother, who is a little judgmental when it comes to my life. And when I say "judgmental," what I mean is "I am always wrong." So I didn't submit anything.

Then, just a few days before the taping, I said to myself "I don't care what my mom thinks! I want to be on TV! I'm asking a question." So I sent the producer a question about a friend of mine who I don't speak to anymore (all 891 of them) that I think was a pretty interesting situation. Well, I guess I gave the producer the drama he was looking for because less than 2 hours later, he was on my cell phone, asking me if I'd like to participate in the "Ask Wendy" segment! Could I get there early?! Wear something nice! Okay, so it is around this time that I maaaybe lost my ever-loving mind. I. Was. Gonna. Be. On. TELEVISION! ME! Maybe I wouldn't have to Romy & Michele my life after all! I'd be a bona fide television star! Yes, I'd do it! I'd be glad to!

Okay, I won't lie to you. I had visions of being so sparkling on television that Wendy would take one look at me and say "You're fabulous! You should be my co-host! Or, you know, you should have your own show! Right now!" Yes, I know. I KNOW! But I can't turn the crazy off people! I'm trying!


So anyway, this is interesting. Then I get another call from the "Wendy Williams Show" people. This call was to tell me that they would have to postpone our appearance because they overbooked the seats. This is when I flew into hysterics... "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! I'M DOING 'ASK WENDY'! IT'S MY NATIONAL TELEVISION DEBUT! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!!!"

*Collapses to the floor in a puddle of tears*

Then the woman paused and said "Oh, then it's fine. I'll just cancel on someone else. Bye." My national television debut was safe. So I bring all of my wardrobe options out with my to Pennsylvania to pick up my mother for the show. As I mentioned, what I don't realize when I get there is that my mother is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, plus she hasn't bothered to even watch the show, and she has no wardrobe choices selected! WHAA!

So immediately I ask her what is going on. She might as well have had a cigarette dangling from her lips and her mascara running down her cheeks. She's unhappy. She doesn't want to turn fifty-something. She just wants to spend the week with her family. She doesn't want to go to the taping anymore. EXCUSE ME!

This is when I, again, fly off the handle. They were gonna cancel on me, I scream! The only way I could get us back on the list is because I'm doing "Ask Wendy"! IT'S MY GOD-D@MNED NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT! THIS IS FOR ME (and your birthday)!

Then, I think I threw in a "Bwahh, ha ha..." like a villain in a 1950s cartoon. So my mother and I got into a little tiff but ultimately decided that it would be best if she stayed home because she wanted and I went to the show with just my bestie. So I drove to Pennsylvania for no reason. Anyway, it didn't matter, well it did, but it didn't really because the only important thing was my television debut!


So I chose a smart cornflower blue shirt and my skinny jeans and left Pennsylvania at the crack of dawn to make it to the city in time. I was saddened that my mother... Okay, yeah, around this time the only thing I cared about was my time on TV. I was practicing my question in my rear view mirror. I was gonna be funny, warm, engaging, Emmy Award worthy. Oh, p.s. my mother was also mortified at the thought of me asking my question. At one point during our fight she actually said, "You're going to embarrass us!" Who's us!?

We're not the Rockefellers! Anyway, that just made me want to get on TV even more. So then, because nothing in the Junior Universe or Juniverse, goes according to plan. I'm driving and I'm on time until I hit the traffic at...


THE GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE (above)!

Traffic was backed up for like an hour! It was ridiculous!

I was freaking the f#ck out! I was early but I had to be at the studio before 11 AM, but I still had to pick up my bestie and her sister in Westchester and then drive all the way downtown AND PARK and it was 9:30 and I was STUCK AT THE BRIDGE! I started blubbering and called my bestie: "What happens if I'm late! We have to be there early! They said early! Why is everyone sh!tting on my network television debut!" She did her best to calm me down. What she said was really nice and sweet but I'll sum up the general idea of her words... "Calm the f#ck down!" So I did. I crossed the bridge. Booked it north. Picked up my bestie who was also looking lovely in blue (you'll see in a minute) and her sister (who didn't get the memo) and booked it downtown.

I threw the car into a car park, literally, and ran to the studio. What you'll see now are our actual photos from the taping. Pretty cool, huh? Okay, so I race to the studio at 10:45 (I KNOW!) and run up to a girl with a headset (below)...


And scream "I HAVE TICKETS! AND I WAS TRYING NOT TO BE LATE BECAUSE I'M DOING 'ASK WENDY' AND THIS IS MY TELEVISION DEBUT AND I HAVE TWO FRIENDS HERE AND I WANT THEM TO BE ON TV AND AM I LATE? AM I? AM I!?" And she, who was actually super nice, proceeds to look at me like this...


Why does this always happen to me? Oh, maybe because I have a tendency of running up to people and screaming things directly in their faces. I should prolly work on that. So after the girl looks at me with the stink face, she tells me to "calm the f#ck down" (she didn't really say that) and go stand in line. I look at the line, and it's not long at all. Over the course of the 45 minutes we stood outside, the line grows to this...



I KNOW! We got there just in time.

So while we're waiting to be let into the studio, me and my party start taking pictures. Wanna see? Well thank heavens because I have a bunch of them!




This is me (above) doing my best "How U Doin'" face, which is the catch phrase of the show. Click here for an instructional video.


As you can see, fashion was pretty bright and colorful and everyone was giving it their best spring looks. There were some questionable people, but overall, everyone looked good. Oh and while we were there...


We saw Chris Kattan from "Saturday Night Live," who was a guest on the show earlier in the day. I don't have a picture of him because I took too long to decide if I even wanted a picture of Chris Kattan. Sorry Chris!

So then, because I'm doing the "Ask Wendy" section, the producer who called me comes out to the line and asks me and my party to come inside. This is when everyone else on the line gives the the stank face too. But we don't care!

We're VIP all the way!

But little do I know that my television debut dreams are all about to unravel. But that comes later. So after we get metal detected and get our tickets we have to wait inside the audience holding pen (below) for another 45 minutes. I'm realizing that my mom would have complained the whole time. It's best she stayed on her chaise lounge at home. Once inside, I'm ushered to the "Ask Wendy" VIP area...




Inside, all the audience members are handed questionnaires that ask everyone to submit questions for Wendy. I don't mind because my question has already been submitted and this is confirmed when another cute producer calls my name and I talk with him for a moment about my question. I look on his little notepad and see my question right there! That's my life on his clipboard!

So he's asking me questions and stupid me, I don't realize that I'm being auditioned. He wants to know how my delivery is, how I'll be on TV. But because he's cute, I immediately start batting my eyes and flirting like a crazy person. This is when I don't realize that my question is vetoed. Instead, I still think I'm gonna be on TV so I confidently march over to my bestie...

...who is writing on her questionnaire like a mad woman. I ask "Whatcha writing?" And she puts her pen down and adjusts her glasses, "Something came to me."

So then, we hand in our questionnaires and after a few "Are you exited to see Wendy!?" from all the headsetted producers in the room, they start calling people in the room whose questions they liked. Then suddenly we hear "Lauren! Lauren!" which is my bestie's name. That's when I start jumping up and down telling her to go to the producer! WE'RE BOTH GONNA BE ON TV! I am so dumb. So they go up to my bestie and tell her that they love her question and are gonna use it for the "Ask Wendy" segment. I rush over because I'm crazy and yell out "I'm doing it too! Is it a problem if we're in the same group?!" And I'm not even kidding you guys... I get crickets. Literal crickets.

And that's when I realize...

I have been replaced.


I'm OK with it though because they are going with my best friend. I'll still be on TV because she's sitting right next to me. I'm just not going to be... featured... on... TV... It's OK, I'm fine. I'll be fine. So I hug my bestie when her name, not mine is called into the special "Ask Wendy" VIP seating area.

How quickly the tides turn...

But anyway, I get over it because now we're in the actual studio and may I say, those directors are fab because the place is not as big as it looks on TV. I have some pictures of it, if you'd like to see...






So then after the producers rehearsed the audience on how to clap and stand and look excited (OMG, I never realized you have to clap so much for a TV show!), the show actually started and out came Wendy (below)!


She's crazy tall but has a great figure and was wearing the longest wig I have ever seen. She didn't really interact with the audience that much at first, but it got better as the show went on. The thing I found so interesting about being in the audience of a TV talk show is that everything is really for the viewer at home. I could barely hear or see anything as the show was set up for the viewer at home.

Anyway, this episode taping was probably the worst one for a man to attend as it was the make-up episode! With a make-up artist on to show ladies how to get a fresh summer face! But Melissa Joan Hart (right) was also on and it was great to see her in person as I've been watching her since I was a child! Love you Clarissa!

So that was fun. Other than that, the show was pretty uneventful. I spent most of the time trying to not look at the monitors for fear of limiting my on-camera time, and watching all the producers and cameras and stuff it takes to make a TV show that you never see on camera. That was the most interesting part for me. I could totally see myself working in TV. But not today as I turned and saw my bestie was getting a little flummoxed at the idea of telling her question to Wendy on TV. Her sister and I assured her that she would do great. By this time, I had gotten over my need to be on television. If they didn't want me, I wouldn't waste my gifts on them. I'd wait until Oprah... Or Tyra. Or anyone.

But enough about me, it was getting to "Ask Wendy" time and my bestie was being prepped for her big moment. I know they rehearsed her like four times. It was crazy. So I have to switch to my cell phone pictures from the actual broadcast to tell this part. Okay, so after Wendy talked to a bunch of other people. She walked to our side of the stage and we set to talk to my bestie and this other audience member we didn't know named Reema (below). That b!tch. Just kidding. A little bit...


So we come back from break and Wendy asks Reema, who we started hating on the moment we saw her ringlets and belted tunic, to ask her question. They go back and forth for a minute and then Wendy is set to turn and ask my bestie her question... Wendy and Reema finish up and Wendy turns to my bestie...

TIME'S UP! CUT TO COMMERCIAL! I know! It was so disappointing.

But we were very happy to be there although we did jump through hoops and didn't get to be on TV! When we went to get my car from the car park, some people in the audience even went up to my bestie and were sad that she couldn't ask her question either. We thanked them and went home. So then, the next day, we watched the broadcast. While my bestie got great camera time, would you like to see my NATIONAL NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT!

Here it is...



It lasted six seconds. A star is not born.

I'm standing next to my bestie's sister (HEY!) for your information. So it was not meant to be. That's OK. I'm *single tear* fine. It wasn't a complete bust however. Wendy really wants Whitney Houston to come on the show so she makes these "Whitney Fans" people hold up during the show...


I got to keep those (above).

Oh and btw, my mother still doesn't know where to find the show on her dial. But it doesn't matter anymore. Whew! I promise, I will not be getting into anymore adventures for a little while! Now I need to know, have you ever been to a TV show taping either a talk show or a sitcom? What struck you most about them? Have you ever been on national television? Or do you have a talk show or can you put me on national television? Please. Pretty please...

Plllllleeeeeeaaaaaassssseee!!!