Juice with Junior

Okay, this tale has the potential of being the longest story ever told so I'm gonna try to condense it as much as possible. But I have been waiting like four days to tell you guys so my excitement might get the best of me.

Okay, breathe... Let me start at the beginning. So every summer, the wonderful people at The Public Theater put on "Shakespeare in the Park," which is this completely free, open to the public production of a William Shakespeare play or a play of similar noteworthiness held in Central Park in New York City.

And every year, they tend to get really big celebrity actors to play the parts, you know, to make these tickets incredibly impossible to get. Like a few years ago, Meryl Streep did "Mother Courage and Her Children" and half of New York lost its mind trying to get tickets. I was not one of the lucky ones. That's why when I found out that this year they were going to do "Twelfth Night" with Anne Hathaway playing Viola, I knew I had to get tickets to this show. So I proceeded to look it up and this is what I saw...


Yeah, this looks like a good production and its free. Let's... Wait! WTF!


Raúl Esparza is in the show! My lovah! My husband! THE MAN WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME YET! Okay, so by this time not only had getting tickets to this show jumped up on my priority list above things like breathing and heart beating, but I also collapsed into a puddle on the ground. It became my life's mission to get tickets to this show.

Now, yes, Raúl was enough to make me want to see the show by himself, but then they went and added Hathaway and Tony winners Audra McDonald and Julie White to the mix. This show was going to be seen by me!

Okay, so let me tell you a little bit about how the Public Theater distributes tickets to the free "Shakespeare in the Park" because it's a fun process.


Basically, you could go to the Delacorte Theater in Central Park at 1 p.m. on days when there's gonna be a show and pick up tickets. But there's a problem... You'd have to wait on a line of hundreds of other people who are doing the same thing. It's like herding cattle (above). You can show up and hope all the tickets for the 450+ seat theater aren't gone by the time you get to the box office. Yeah, I think you can tell Junior wasn't feeling this option.

But wait! There's another way to get tickets!

You could go to the group's website and join a "Virtual Line" which is basically a lottery where you put your name in and they randomly select people to get seats to the show. Here's my chance, I thought! So I signed up like every day hoping I'd get tickets. I didn't care what day, I just signed up. But as I have the worst luck on the face of the earth, I was constantly met with...


Or as I came to know it...


This went on for about a week and I was convinced that either this "Virtual Line" thing was a joke and I was actually going to have to go down to the theater and stand in that monstrous line (GAH!) or that they knew it was me and said "Don't give him tickets ever!" I thought this until one day, I signed in for tickets and signed out... THEN I FORGOT ABOUT IT! I'll say it again...

I FORGOT I SIGNED UP FOR TICKETS!

Do you want to know what happened when I signed on at night to see if I had gotten tickets for the day I forgot about...


I am not making this up. The one time... THE ONE TIME! I forgot to check to see if I was denied tickets, I actually wasn't denied! Because that's how much Jesus hates me. Anyway, I was livid with myself. I couldn't believe that I had tried for tickets for a week and got them, and forgot!

It just made me even more eager to sign up every day to see if I could get them again. I got friend's addresses to sign up in their names, everything I could to get these tickets. Okay, so fast forward, last Friday, I signed up and proceeded about my day not realizing that this was the day Jesus would shine his light down upon me... with some strings attached.

Oh, by the way, I'm not a religious person in the slightest. I haven't been to church since my Catholic elementary school graduation, but after Friday, I now believe in Jesus (right). You'll understand why by the end of the story, and you will believe too. (p.s. this is a joke.)

So like I said, I signed up for Friday and had so much to do that day that I almost forgot to check the Public Theater's site to see how I would be denied today. Would they throw in a couple of gold stars and some ribbon to say "You failed at getting tickets spectacularly this time!"

But when I signed on this time, I saw this!


I GOT TICKETS! Like Cameron Diaz says in "Charlie's Angels": "I LOVE TICKETS!" But now this presents new problems. I had the tickets, but who would I go with? This would seem like it had a pretty easy solution, but as you know from The Great Fleet Week Debacle of '09, I sometimes have trouble corralling my friends into doing things.

I love them, but they're busy people.

So I made some calls, actually quite a lot of calls, but couldn't get anyone who could come into the city (I was already in the city, hence the problem) and join me.

And people I knew in the city weren't getting back to me in time. Then, conveniently, my cell phone battery dies which means I can't contact anyone quickly anyway or get an incoming call (pay phones? yeah, don't go there. I once saw a homeless guy peeing directly into a pay phone stall. Not Going There.)

These tickets were for today now. I would have to go by myself.


I picked up my bag and did my best Carrie Bradshaw (above) down the streets of Manhattan. Was I a little annoyed that I couldn't go with someone? Of course. But I also understand that everyone's got their own life and you can't make someone do something just because you want to do it. But I also understood that I'm not gonna stop myself from doing something just because I'm, gulp, alone. I need a boyfriend. So not the point of the story.

Okay, remember what I said about Jesus? Here's where he comes into play. So, the Delacourte Theater is an outdoor theater. It has rained literally almost every single day in New York for the past month and a half. They don't do productions of "Twelfth Night" in the rain; they cancel them. If a performance is canceled, your tickets are not transferable. You start back at square one.

I was nervous about the rain, but it wasn't raining five hours before the show, four hours, three hours... I think we're gonna make it, then at two hours...


THE SKY OPENED UP...

Rain was falling in sheets. Water was everywhere, including my eyes as I was nearly about to burst into tears. I wanted to see this show so badly. I got tickets once, missed that show. Got them again out of sheer luck. Couldn't get anyone to go with me. Had to get over my nearly crippling social anxiety to work up the nerve to go by myself and now IT WAS F#CKING RAINING!

But I said to myself "We still have two hours, the rain will stop in two hours. The rain better stop in two hours if it knows what's good for it because I will bring a fury down upon this rain so swift it won't know what hit it if I MISS THIS GODD*MED SHOW!" I was like the opposite of Storm (right). My power would be to make the weather stop.

So I put the rain out of my head as much as possible because it was getting late and I had to make my way from the West Side to Central Park and pick up these tickets in time for the show. I couldn't be late or they'd hand my tickets to someone waiting in the monstrous stand-by line.

I couldn't have that.

But here's something I didn't realize. I thought that the number 6 train was close to Central Park. It's not. We'll get to that in a minute. Let's go back to Jesus. So I'm on the train and I can't tell what's happening outside. I see people with umbrellas, they don't look really wet but I don't know. I sit there and I start to pray, yes you heard me pray... I prayed...

"I swear if you stop this rain I will be a good person, I will only watch personal entertainment videos a few times a week. I will not give people the evil eye on the subway like I just did a second ago. If there is a God listening to this... STOP THE F#CKING RAIN! Jesus, all hail, Mary and the saints."

And wouldn't you know, I step off the subway and look up...


Okay, it wasn't that clear but it had stopped raining significantly and I was so thankful. Now, remember how I said that the number 6 train is like not near Central Park. Well it isn't and I step off the train, look at my watch and I have 30 minutes to pick up these tickets and I have NO CLUE where I'm going.

I've never been to the theater before. I've obviously been to Central Park before, but just not to the theater and I was just following the simple online directions, which didn't really say much except "Go to Central Park, find theater."

So I book it up three avenue blocks to the Park, that I knew how to do although I didn't think the train was so far from the Park. If I did, I would have given myself more time. But anyway, I still didn't know where the theater was. And you know what New York City did to make it more helpful for you to find the theater... NOTHING! No signs, no path, NOTHING! ANYWHERE! I look at my watch...

25 minutes to get tix! And I'm lost.

So this is the part of my adventure that looked just like an episode of "The Amazing Race." I am now running through Central Park trying to find any indication of where the hell Delacourte Theater is, and as I mentioned there are seriously no signs.

I have twenty minutes to get to the theater and get my tickets or they will give them away and there's a chance I may never be lucky like this for the rest of the show's run. Finally, I spot one of those "You Are Here" maps and look. It says the theater is right next to the Great Lawn (below)...


Oh, and by the way, it was almost 7:30 (when my tix deadline was) on a Friday and it was slowly getting dark and there was just a torrential downpour. NO ONE was out there. It was just me running around like a crazy person by myself screaming "TEN MINUTES! I HAVE TEN MINUTES!"

So the sign says "Great Lawn." I look and see that I'm standing right next to the Great Lawn. I DON'T SEE NO FREEEGIN' THEATER! That's when my brain, which has a horrible sense of direction (can't you tell?), realizes the theater is ON THE OTHER SIDE of the Great Lawn! So I start running.

And as I'm running, I see stadium lights ahead of me and I scream out "I SEE LIGHTS! LIGHTS!" But of course, by this time, there were people around me looking at me again, like a crazy person. I didn't care. I had 7 minutes.


So I'm running toward the lights, and then eventually toward people and the theater itself (above). But I don't see any lines. Where is the box office?

FIVE MINUTES! In what I consider to be a Quintessential Junior Move, I don't realize that I'm behind the theater. I've actually run so fast so far that I ran around the theater and I am now behind it. Because I don't know this, I just run up to the first group of people I see and I quickly realize that they are not a line. They are holding champagne and little cheese squares.

I have run directly into a cocktail party for the sponsors of the Public Theater.

And not only have I unknowingly done this, but I also have been rained on for the past hour and have been running for the past 30 minutes and I look like a wet dog (right). Mortified isn't the word.

We're gonna have to invent a new word for what I was. Anyway, a kind soul, sensing my distress puts her cheese and champy down and tells me the box office is around the path right ahead. In order to cut my embarrassment short, I just run off leaving them to think who was that dark boy and why was he soaking wet? Finally, I find the box office and run up to the first 14 year old in a "STAFF" t-shirt I could find and scream at him "I have Virtual Line tickets! Where do I go?!" He looked so scared. He mumbled something and pointed and I just ran. Finally (FINALLY!!), I make it to the box office, and scream again "Is this where I pick up Virtual Line tickets!" And the girl behind the counter looks at me like this...


But I didn't care. She took my ID and I had the pleasure of announcing to all the perfectly appointed people and their hair and their blazers and groups of friends that I would only be needing one ticket because it was just me. The girl behind the counter still didn't really care. Then, the waiting started.

Basically, we stood on line waiting to be seated for about an hour.

I was stuck behind the most obnoxious family ever. Mother who was labeling all the trees around us. Father who didn't know the basic plot of "Twelfth Night". A son who was literally trying to melt into the asphalt he was so bored. And two teenage daughters who would not shut up for an hour. I went into meditation. Soon it would just be me and Raúl (and 500 other people).

Finally we were let into the theater. I sat next to a lovely Indian couple who I think noticed that I was by myself, felt a little bad, and adopted me for the show.

They noticed how prepared I was: I had my water, my umbrella, my Village Voice for the wait, my Junior Mints, and my binoculars or as I call them, my nockies. I had been carrying all this crap around for a week in case I got tix to the show. That's how serious I was.

They offered me food. I gave them free use of my nockies. I was proud of myself for even speaking to people I don't know. My invisible therapist would say that that was a good first step. And then finally, the show started. Finally, after everything you (hopefully) read above I was here, it wasn't raining, I was in a seat and I was about to come face to face with Mr. Esparza and Co...

Then the show began...






It was phenomenal!

I don't even like "Twelfth Night" that much, my fave Shakespeare comedy has and will always be "Much Ado About Nothing," but this staging was swift and funny and upbeat, musical and full of energy, every actor was excellent and the production was top notch. I was bursting inside. It was all... ALL OF IT... worth it! Let's talk some particulars before we end the longest post ever.

Audra McDonald (first photo above) was the best. She played Olivia as stern yet playful but never dumb. Hathaway (right) was as dewy and beautiful and talented as she is in the movies (and she looked great as a boy). Her readings weren't the best but she def held her own, has a fantastic singing voice, and her reactions were priceless.

Jay O. Sanders was fantastic as Sir Toby, and while as Maria, Julie White (both third photo above) got a little tripped up by the verse at times, she was so effervescent that that made up for it. Also Hamish Linklater, who plays the brother on "New Adventures of Old Christine" (and who has a lot of theater experience), was hilarious as Sir Andrew. I was less thrilled with Michael Cumpsty as Malvolio, who seemed to come from the Kenneth Branagh School of SHOUTING EVERYTHING, and David Pittu as Feste, whose singing voice is fantastic but who seemed to be acting in another play.

But these are quibbles.

Everyone was really, really good. And OMG, every male actor in the play under the age of 40 was HIGHLY F#CKABLE. Like I would have been backstage with my legs spread if security would have let me. And I would have f#cked security too because they were hot. Speaking of extreme cases of hotness...


Raúl looked good the entire time. He was all tall and meaty and one scene his shirt was unbuttoned down to no man's land and I almost passed out. Also, unlike a lot of the other actors, he chose to deliver his lines in this silky quiet tone which was totally hot. And aside from his hotness he was very good too.

My one complaint was that as Orsino, if you know the play, you know that character isn't in it that much. That was distressing.

Overall, it was excellent and I'm actively trying to win tickets to see it again. Now that I know how to get there and how long it'll take and that the weather has calmed down and I've actually lined up someone to go with, I may have some fun before the actual event.

Who knows? And if you're in New York City before July 12 and want to wait in a line for 5 hours or try you luck online, I urge you to see the show. You will laugh and cry and fight the urge to bum rush the stage knowing that Raúl Esparza is standing less than 20 yards away from you, which coincidentally is the distance I'm legally allowed to be in according to his restraining order. Just kidding. He doesn't have a restraining order against me. Not yet. Now, do you have any crazy theater stories? Ever have a cell phone go off or have someone in the show use you for their act? Or have you ever been so disorganized that getting to the show is a longer drama than the show you're going to see? You know what?

Ignore that last one.

Michael Urie.

[p.s. hey kiddies! I just got back from the big Gay Pride Parade in Manhattan with my friend James, who was less than enthused when I screamed out that I saw Michael Urie from ABC's "Ugly Betty." Then the amazing thing happened! I waved... AND URIE WAVED BACK! Then I snapped a picture like a psycho and waved back! AND HE WAVED AGAIN! Clearly, it was written in the stars...]

[p.s.s. Urie is starring in a new show in NYC called "The Temperamentals," which is why he was there. I may try to see it before it closes if I have the time...]

[p.s.s.s. FYI, the next two weeks here on the blog are going to be star studded! We have stories galore and soon we'll be celebrating our own GAY PRIDE WEEK at the blog! Because Gay Pride isn't just for June. It's for anytime! See you then! And come back every day this week for more!]

I hope no one is offended by my use of the word "broad." I mean no disrespect; there's just no other way I can think of how to describe the type of lady I mean. I'll start at the beginning. So as an answer to a prayer I didn't know that I had, Lifetime has begun re-airing episodes of the 90s CBS sitcom "Cybill."

They were showing them in the afternoon until they suddenly stopped doing this. Why?

I don't know, although I still watch verrrrry late at night. I suspect one thing was the cause of their reticence of showing too much "Cybill": Maryann Thorpe as embodied by the one of a kind Christine Baranski.

Seriously, I don't care when they show this show as long as I can get a weekly dose of Baranski as Maryann, Cybil Shepherd character's boozy, brassy best friend. Now that I'm watching the show again, I realize that while anyone can sip champy and act rich, Baranski's Maryann is more than that. She may seem aloof, but she's actually happy to be right alongside everyone. She may seen brittle but she's got the biggest heart of any character on the show.

Plus, she's hilarious! Watch, we shall...



Now of course, there's no denying that Maryann was a pretty direct take-off of Patsy played by the equally fab Joanna Lumley from the British classic sitcom "Absolutely Fabulous" (below). And I have no problem with that.

Because as I was watching an episode of "Cybill" one day, I realized that I don't care how many times they do a character of this type — rich, snobby woman in her 40s who drinks, smokes, and swears too much, always have a witty retort and never keeps one man for too long — I always love it! Always!

Give me Maryann! Give me Patsy! Give me Megan Mullally's Karen Walker from "Will & Grace"! Give me Kim Cattrall's Samantha Jones on HBO's "Sex and the City"! Give me Wanda Sykes on "New Christine"! Give me Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth on "Arrested Development"! I'll even take Holland Taylor on "Two and a Half Men"...

And I HATE that show! I love 'em all!



Why do you think we love these women so much?

I guess it's because they say right what's on their mind and always look like they're loving life more than all the other characters on their shows.


And I was thinking is it only the gay in me that loves these women like Judith Light and Vanessa Williams from "Ugly Betty" (above) or Jean Smart and Mary McDonnell in the short-lived sitcom "High Society" (below) because of their camp appeal.

But no. I think we prolly all wish we had a little of that spirit don't we? The guile it takes to say something to someone's face so insulting yet well crafted that they don't hate you. The freedom to act outrageous and yet look fabulous all at the same time. You doesn't love that juxtaposition?

Well, because I love them so much, and I want to honor them, will you guys play along with me? I want to see if we can name every boozy brassy lady that's ever been on TV. I've not been alive for too long nor do I watch anything made before 1981 so you'll have to help me out. Who were the classic ladies with a drink in their hand and a sharply worded jab for whomever gets in their way? And at anytime, who are your fave TV boozy broads?!

For everyone you name I'll take a sip of my ginger ale martini, sweetie dahhhling!

You guys know that I don't lie about my age at all. I'm actually very proud of it. I'm 24 years old. And you know what that means. My 10-year high school reunion is coming up! What? That math doesn't work out right. Well, who made you the math police! Yes, I graduated high school when I was 17. Yes, it's been almost 10 years since. And what that adds up to is me being 24 years old, got it?

And I won't hear any arguments to the contrary!

Regardless, my high school reunion is still coming up next year and I have a problem. Yeah, I'm not as famous as I had envisioned I would be by now. Yes, I know this may be hard to believe but there are still a few, um, millions upon billions of people who don't know who I am. I can't believe it either!

But they're out there, all of them, not knowing who I am and their non-knowledge, their lack of appreciation, mean I can't walk into my high school reunion with paparazzi lights flashing and my bodyguards knocking people I didn't like to the ground.

Think I'm embellishing my fantasy. Exhibit A: The quote I left next to my picture in my senior yearbook. *clears throat*

"I first entered these halls four years ago not knowing a soul, and now I leave with a new understanding of people, friendship, and myself. When I first entered many people talked to me, and many people said 'hi.' Many people laughed at me, but many people became my friends..."

Wait! It gets better. I then proceeded to thank some of my favorite teachers and friends. I made a point of not thanking my parents, you know, the people who paid for me to go to the private all-boys school in the first place, because I was mad at them.

Then, I ended it with this bon mot:

"Thank you all. For everyone that I have left out (space omitting or on purpose) you'll be seeing me again so until then HAVE A GREAT LIFE! 'You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.'"

Yes, everyone I ended my high school yearbook quote with a phrase from a muthaf#cking Joni Mitchell song. I think you're starting to get a good idea of what I was like in high school. Kinda a drama queen. (Some of you out there are like, "what do you mean 'in high school'? What about now?!") But you see what this all adds up to? That quote was set up so that when my name was in lights, I could come back to the school with an entourage and a Lexus sedan and a wind machine blowing my weave and say...

"Look at me now, b!tches!"


But it hasn't really happened that way. Blame it on the procrastination ("I'll be famous tomorrow"), blame it on being lazy ("Zzzzzzz"), or blame it on the Zebra Cakes ("You'll never leave me, right Zebra Cakes?"), but it's taken me a little longer for me to become an international celebrity. For the purposes of impressing people at my high school reunion. Which is the only reason I'd want to be famous.

I mean, what am I gonna do! I can't walk into the reunion and have the kid who won almost a half-million dollars in a poker tournament (this is not a joke) be the star! That's why I'm gonna start thinking of how to Romy & Michele my life now!

'Member how in the movie, Romy and Michele (right), right before their reunion, tried to get boyfriends and stuff but then just decided to lie about their lives.

Well, that's what I'm gonna do! Yeah, a plan!

The good thing, if I can say that, is that I have managed to alienate myself from almost everyone I was friends with back then through no fault of my own (this is not true) so no one will be the wiser if I create a little "story" to make me seem more important! I know! It's a foolproof plan! I have some ideas of what I could say below and I'd love your input.

Oh, and all comments saying "Just be yourself" or any variation thereof will be completely ignored. I'm not walking into my one and only high school reunion as a single for *cough* many years, twenty *cough* year old blogger, journalist, and professional wrestling hottie enthusiast. It's not happening. Not on my watch.

That's why I thought I could go as...


A World Traveler


I'll wear an ascot and a beret... at the same time. I'll use the word "jet" as a verb. I might, just might carry a pocket watch. I will definitely use a fake British accent, and when I walk up to some guys from my class I may say:

"Anthony, Chris, Angelo (the school was 65% Italian, bear with me here), why how are you? Where have I been? Oh well I've been all over: London, Paris, Amsterdam, of course. One cannot say they've lived until they've done a summer camped on the beach in Ibiza. Just returned from the Spice Markets actually. That's Marrakesh. As I always say, 'you can take the boy out of Cairo but where can he get some good galangal when you're stuck in Dubai!' It was good talking to you."


A Harried Business Executive


For this I will need two willing participants, one to lend me an iPhone.

The other to call me on it every 14 seconds. Like Romy and Michele, I too will dress in my best "Men's Warehouse You're Gonna Like the Way You Look" For Success except I won't make the mistake of saying I invented Post-Its. Instead, I'll be a V.P. for a major multimedia conglomerate but I cannot divulge the name because there's a big merger... sorry, would you excuse me, there goes my phone again.

What's that they say? The world market never closes. Excuse me.


A Member of The Roots (below)


I think this one is perfect. You guys know who alternative rap group The Roots are right? Right. Exactly. Vaguely, you know that they are popular among those in the know and that critics like them. But do you really know their names or who they even are? Exactly. You are looking at their newest member!

I play the triangle. And I'm working on a solo joint. It's gonna drop real soon, but keep it hush. See, I've got it down already! Plus, who's really gonna check?


"Independently Wealthy"


The thing I like about this is that I get to go in schlubby clothes and still impress everyone... with the fact that not only do I not work, I don't even really have to for I'm "independently wealthy." How? Asset dividend foreclosure re-diversivicationment. And you drive a truck. Well, that's gotta be a fun way to make a living.

I'm thinking of driving a cab, you know, to sight see.


Anderson Cooper's (below) Boyfriend


"Yes, well, it's unfortunate but he's in the media and if he tells people, it'll be all they'll want to discuss. And he doesn't want that. He's an extremely private person. Yes, we live... On the Upper East Side. Oh, Gloria's wonderful. She's like a mother to me. He does do something on air to let me know he's thinking of me, but I couldn't say. We have our own lives but when we're together... it's electric."


A Beatnik


Now this is like a world traveler but instead I wear all black, I sulk in a corner, and whenever anyone comes up to me I tell them that I'm a poet/novelist/essayist/activist and of course you've never seen my work. Let's just say you can't find my books at your local Wal-Mart. Now would you please step away, your cotton poly-blends and your fat babies are interrupting my pathos. You wouldn't understand...

Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap.


Or I could pretend to be so important that the only way I can possibly clear up my incredibly busy schedule to appear at the reunion is if I do so...


Via Satellite (above).


Of course, there exists the option that I don't go, but I really want to see which guys I lusted after during my school years (96% of my entire graduating class) got fat (96% of my graduating class). And yes, I know, this is pointless and stupid.

Don't even. I need this. To make myself feel better. That is the one and only reason. Now excuse me, I have to make my way to Bloomies to see if they have a beret that will fit my ginormous head. Oh, and leave your ideas!

The more self-important, the better! Don't look at me like that...

Happy Father's Day, everyone! I hope you are having a great day talking to your father, hanging out with your father, remembering your father, or celebrating fathers.

Now out of all the made-up holidays our society chooses to embrace, I actually don't hate Father's Day that much. I don't think fathers get enough recognition as it is. From deadbeat dads to Jon Gosselin, dads really don't get much praise.

Now, of course, some of that is the fault of the dads themselves. Because the numbers don't lie, there are many many dads who are completely out of the picture when it comes to their children's lives. And that truly is unfortunate because, although a mother or two mothers can raise a wonderful, well-adjusted child, having a father who is another caretaker of the child couldn't hurt. That's why we should celebrate fathers.

Not those father's who defensively say "I take care of my kids!" when we all know no one should be praised for doing something they should do, but those fathers who provide love, support, and guidance to their children whether they are married to the mother, separated, two gay married fathers, single fathers, single gay fathers, adopted fathers, step-fathers, single gay adopted step-fathers...

Whew, this is getting complicated.


Anyway, they all deserve our praise. Which I guess brings me to my father. For I felt bad that I couldn't go to Pennsylvania to see him so I could only give him a call. I really should have tried harder as I have an incredible father. He's kind and caring and supportive but funny and generally a really nice guy. I don't have a buddy-buddy kind of relationship with him but it's good.

We talk and hang out occasionally. Well, not that occasionally as my father likes to do things I can't stand like go to basketball games and stuff because he used to be and is a great player. I fall asleep at basketball games so you see what the problem is. And that's the other reason he's great is that when he heard he was having a son, I'm sure he had ideas about me playing basketball and hanging out with him and then I was born: seven pounds of fabulocity covered in glitter!

But he never made me do anything I didn't want to.

Never pushed me into anything and never was ashamed of me or embarrassed that I wasn't more like him. I sometimes hear stories about other people's fathers and they can't say the same so I'm thankful I have the dad that I do.

Okay, now that I have managed to well up all over my keyboard, I'm gonna turn it over to you but before I do, I have to tell you a story. So my dad is great and all that, but he's recently been getting on my last nerve because he insists on learning how to ride a motorcycle... At age 57... I think this is a dumb idea. My mother thinks this is a dumb idea. Everyone thinks this is a dumb idea but he's not listening to us. That's why, in your own stories about your fathers that I welcome you to leave in the comments, I also want to know if you have any horror stories about dads or anyone getting hurt on motorcycles. I'm gonna print them all out on index cards and place them in different parts of their house. Because I would like to still have a father to celebrate Father's Day with next year. I can't believe he's doing this.

He's normally a very level-headed guy. He crochets for goodness sakes! Anyway, what did you do with your dad on Father's Day? Have any good Father's Day or father-in-general memories to share? Are you a father and hope you get anything better than a tie clip this year? I got my dad "Motorcycling for Dummies."

It's passive aggressive, I know, but I had to.

¡Hola, mis amigos y amigas! We're back and we're talking about television, except we're not talking about television... we're talking about televisión! Yes, television en Español, those Spanish-language stations that show programming 24/7 and yet the brilliance and the failings of these networks barely crack the national consciousness. Well, because my blog is so influential, we're gonna change all that by chatting about them today. First, let me tell you how I came to this topic in the first place.

I was home early one day during my vacation and I was flipping around the channels because one can only take but so much "Judge Judy," when I stumbled on one of the premier Spanish-language networks in my area anyway, Univision, and they were showing this novella (that's Spanish for "soap opera") called "Las Tontas No Van al Cielo" (right and above) which was seriously so amazing!

I sat there and watched the whole hour. Now for those who don't speak Spanish, the show's title means the "tontas" don't go to the sky. Because I don't know what "tontas" means. Oh, and while I watched, do you know what two things I realized?

1) Spanish-language TV isn't much different from English-language TV and 2) I don't know how to speak Spanish as well as I thought I did. It was hard, y'all! I mean I took it for two years in college, this shouldn't be that difficult! But seriously, I can read Spanish very well and I can even understand spoken Spanish better than most English-only speakers, but the people on the TV have to speak very slowly and clearly. And don't even ask me to speak it or, gulp, conjugate any verbs (NOOOOOO!!!) because we'll be here for hours.

That's not a joke.


Figuring out how to write that headline took an hour, and I still didn't do it right. It should be in the preterite but I have no idea how to conjugate the preterite so I gave up trying to do that after about 15 minutes of struggle.

Anyway the show, which we'll talk about shortly, reminded me that of the whole entertainment world in another language happening right next to us and we (we=me) should pay some attention to what our Spanish-speaking friends.

Now before you think me some sheltered Ammmericcan who has never been exposed to Spanish culture before, let me tell you nothing could be further from the truth. The reason I love New York so much and am so happy to have grown up here is because I was lucky enough to be exposed to such a range of cultures when I was growing up, including the very many Spanish-speaking cultures of the world.

My best childhood friend was Peruvian, we went to school with people from Mexico and Colombia and Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic, Venezuela, Argentina, all over the place. And, going back to Spanish TV, that is the thing I like most about Spanish TV.

As the Spanish-speaking world is so vast, its TV shows people of all types and colors, as long as their thin and bronzed. We're getting there, trust me. So I don't know if where you live you have much access to Spanish TV, but if you do, I would recommend taking a glance into another culture for awhile. Even if you have no idea what anyone is saying. You'll pick it up.

Okay, now after discovering the brilliance of "Las Tontas...," which by the way, I still have no idea what it's about or why these people are talking to each other but I love it, I decided to spend the day only watching Spanish TV and I made some discoveries. Wanna know what they are!? Yeah! Alright, let's talk Spanish TV! So just so you know my research methodology, in New York we have many Spanish stations but I only watched a few: Univision, Telemundo, TeleFutura, and Galavisión.

And overall, I found them to feature a nice breadth of shows of pretty good quality. The funny thing about Spanish TV is that it takes you awhile to get used to it, because Spanish TV is kinda like a fantasy world for someone who has never watched before. All the women are wearing slightly too much make-up and all the men are crazy hot. There are some problems I noticed but first lets talk about NOVELLAS!

Now Spanish TV isn't all novellas...



...But they are a big part of the daytime programming on each network, much more so than on English television. My fave is still the Mexican show "Las Tontas..." (clip above) because, well this is really a trait for most novellas, is that it's drama is EXTREMELY DRAMATIC! And it's comedy is crazy goofy, which is cute.

And again don't ask me what's happening because I don't know.

Now I was lucky enough to catch a repeat of "La Madrastra" on TeleFutura, and it was OK. Not as good as "Las Tontas" but good nonetheless. The ladies' make-up was literally insane as was a lot of the acting. When I was watching, I kept thinking where I had seen it before and then I remembered... "The Soup" (below)!



Now, as I said, while people may think "novella" when they think Spanish TV, that's only a part of what they offer. They have talk shows, game shows, news programs, sports, everything any other channel would have, just in Spanish.

One show that I just loved was "Caso Cerrado" ("Case Closed") with Judge Ana María Polo (below) who was hilarious and a half!

Think of her as a Judge Judy whose outfits are the brightest things you ever did see and whose justice is as swift as her one-liners and whose compassion is as shiny as her hair. Sorry, that made no sense but I had to mention her shiny hair. It's fab. Even if you don't understand a lick of Spanish, I urge you to watch anyway.

You will be entertained in some way I'm sure.


Now let's talk primetime. Okay, so I tried to watch the news but you'll notice that on scripted shows they talk... much... slower... so I can understand them better. But on the news and the talk shows, the anchors and hosts just go to town and while I'm still trying to piece together the last sentence, they've finished their report and are showing a commercial... Oh speaking of... Do you want to be utterly terrified?

Watch this...



Okay, as I said, I couldn't really get into the news that much because they were talking really fast but I did love the fact that their sports broadcasts universally begin with fútbol or football or soccer for us Americans and I don't know if you realized this but all footballers, whether Spanish or from anywhere, are...


CRAZY HOT! Like no joke. I love Spanish TV.

Okay, so in primetime I was able to catch a little of "Betty la Fea," (below) the original Colombian telenovela that was the inspiration for ABC's "Ugly Betty" and shows across the country. It was good, it was actually not much different from "Ugly Betty"...

...So I kinda felt like I'd seen it already. Now unlike American TV, Spanish-language TV actually shows a lot of talk shows and other entertainment shows at night. Here's where I wanted to talk about some of the problems I noticed on all these networks.

First, dark Spanish-speaking people are pretty invisible on all these channels. If you are darker than a golden-brown, they don't want you. The only places I saw dark-skinned Spanish-speaking people were on the talk shows but none in the novellas at all. Surprisingly, I was actually pleased I didn't see any dark-skinned maids or cooks in the background of the novellas like I remember from when I was growing up.

Baby steps.

Also, another thing I noticed was the fact that "gay" is still very much taboo in this world. One talk show I caught and forgot to write the name down of promo-ed a future episode when they were going to feature scandalous "transexuales" and although I don't know if the episode was going to be this wonderfully inclusive depiction of trans issues, after all the booing I heard from the audience, I doubt it. Now I'm not picking on Spanish TV...

These are problems English-language TV has too so it's not like the Spanish-speaking world isn't working on inclusiveness and all the rest of it. There are people who are and I'm sure change is slowly being made just like over here. I just didn't see any of it on any of the shows that I watched.

Speaking of... Can anyone tell me what the hell this show below is about?



It's called "Los Victorinos" and it's on Telemundo and that's all I got, and it's trailer above just tells you two things: the guys are all crazy hot (sensing a theme?) and the show looks to be the most surreal thing since "Twin Peaks."

Okay, before I open it up to you guys, I have to talk about music because I watched a little music television like MTV Tr3s and mun2.

This was the least interesting part because I actually like a lot of Spanish music already so it wasn't like I learned anything new. Oh, well I learned that young women pretty much have to take their clothes off if they want to get in front of a camera. But I didn't learn much more.

There was generally a lot of Daddy Yankee (left) and the other usual suspects, Paulina Rubio, Thalia, and yes, Ricky Martin.

Yeah, I was kinda bored by it all too so I turned back to Telemundo or Univision because they have my shows! Alright, it's now that time in every post when I turn it over to mis "peeps" and let you guys hablan sus opiniones ("speak your opinions"). Do you guys get Spanish-language stations where you live, and if you do, have you ever taken a look to see what's going on? Who actually speaks Spanish and if you do, are Spanish shows even appealing? Are there any great shows that I'm not watching?

Okay, now let me see if I can do this...

¡Gracias por leyendo este "post"! Okay, now does someone want to tell me how badly I have managed to f#ck up the Spanish language? Please, go right ahead.