Juice with Junior

Okay, big news everyone!

My parents gave me, wait for it, wait for it... A VCR! Remember VCRs? Video... Something with a "C"... Recorders. 'Member, there were tapes that you put in...

Okay, to be honest, the last time I was at my parents', they were throwing stuff out and a VCR/DVD hybrid was one of the things, so I rescued it from the trash heap and took it home. Then, I dragged out all my old tapes and sat in my living room and watched hours and hours of old TV and movies that I hadn't seen in such a long time.

I had a tape of that HBO "Real Sex" episode about the male strippers but now I can't seem to find it. I really hope my dad didn't tape a basketball game over it. Did I just type that? Anyway, the reason that I'm bringing up 15 year old electronic equipment is because as I was watching my tapes, I saw so many old faces of people in entertainment who I haven't seen in a long time. I realized that we have a lot of MIA people in pop culture. Too many in my opinion!

We need to find these people and bring them back into the spotlight because to be honest, their replacements are like not as good. But because it's probably better than all of us running around trying to track random not-as-famous celebs all over the place, we should prolly make a universal list that way we all know what people to find, dust them off, and push them back into it.

Now this is my list, but my list isn't gonna be enough. For the project to work, I need your lists too! What celebs are you finding you don't see enough of? Use the below list to get some ideas of people you've been missing. Let's begin...



Fiona Apple (above)

Um, yeah, so "Extraordinary Machine" came out in 2005. That was four years ago. Fionnnnaaaa, I know you have a piano so that can't be the problem. Then what is. Your Wiki page makes no mention of new music. How many times is someone supposed to listen to "Criminal"? How many times...



Michael Keaton (above)

I know he's directing and acting in a little upcoming movie, but yeah, that's not enough. I like my Keaton with his eyebrows that go up like a suspension bridge, in big budget movies where he makes them better just by being there. Seriously. I sat through "My Life" because of him!



Dave Chappelle (above)

There was a time when I understood why Chappelle walked away from Comedy Central's "Chappelle's Show" but as I've had time to think about it, I'm becoming more and more mad. Here he is, a black comedian with an enormous following, who willingly decides that he doesn't want to continue being THE ONLY PROMINENT BLACK COMEDIAN ON TELEVISION.

Like seriously, for all the bad he thought he was doing by pandering to the masses, he could have done so much more good by keeping African-American comedy viable. But he chose otherwise. And now I'm choosing for him.

He must return!



Sela Ward (above)

Can I tell you all that when Ward was playing Teddy Reed on NBC's "Sisters," I had a huge crush on her. She was so feisty and cool.

Then, she went to "Once and Again" and the love deepened (she also won Emmys for both perfs). Now she's... only got one credit on her IMDB page! That ain't right! Someone get this woman a show stat!



Gwen Stefani (above)

I know she's touring with No Doubt and managing her L.A.M.B. fashion label and having babies with cutie Gavin Rossdale, but I miss Gwen making her own music, singing her own special song... "The Sweet Escape" came out in 2006 and her Wiki page has no mention of a new solo album.

Why Gwen! When your music was bananas... B-A-N-A-N-A-S!



Whit Stillman (above)

How can you have one of the most perfect credit lists in the history of IMDB and not follow any of it up with new work. This Oscar-nominated writer/director is responsible for "Metropolitan" and really should come out of hiding and make more movies, even if they're only for me!



Lauryn Hill (above)

Need I say anything.



Chow Yun-Fat (above)

I loved Chow Yun-Fat in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" and even in that awful "Anna and the King," but he's disappeared from the English-language stage for a bit. He must return because being incredibly handsome and an amazing actor is enough to make me want more...



Sufjan Stevens (above)

The indie music wunderkind has been threatening new music since 2005's beyond brilliant "Illinoise" and delivered nothing.

What I don't understand with these indie kids is that you're never gonna be a legend if you DON'T RELEASE MUSIC! Even the legends have a bad album or two but at least they gave good output!


And...


Winona Ryder (above)

Nona's got a small part in the upcoming "The Informers" but it's not enough. She used to be the face of the ingenue; the Forever It Girl; the girl who passed on the part before any other actress got it. Yes, she's crazy and most definitely a kleptomaniac, but she didn't kill someone! She stole some clothes from Saks. Who hasn't?! Anyway, I'm ready for her return.

If only to be cast opposite Keira Knightley and eat her off the screen...


Those are my choices, but in order to make this mission truly effective, you have to add yours too! That way I can divide up the factions and we can try to get our favorite celebs back in the public eye! So, who are your choices?!

I was flipping channels yesterday when I stopped at E! Entertainment Television and saw the below image, or just barely saw it...


...If you can't see them, and I know it's hard, above is Debbie Snuffleupagus and Catt Sadler (above left to right) hosts of "The Daily 10," which after looking at the two of these ladies I think it means "The Daily 10 Calories We're Allowed to Eat a Day." Seriously, is it just me or do these two look like they weigh 96 pounds...

In total... when wet!

You guys know I'm all about getting healthier, but do you think these entertainment news host ladies are taking losing weight too far? And I'm including Shawn Robinson, Lara Spencer, Nancy O'Dell, and Maria Menounos, who used to be a size 12, y'all!

A Size 12!

The horror! The HORROR!

Alright, we're back with a new Question to the World, and this one really is due to the quandary I'm experiencing when it comes to those men's fitness magazines like Men's Exercise, Muscle & Fitness, Men's Fitness, FLEX, and my personal favorite Exercise for Men Only (above) that I like to read every so often.

Okay, I think I've made it pretty clear that I like muscular men. Fine. Crazy big muscle men. There. You happy? Hey, I make no apologies for it. Some gay guys like twinks, or younger leaner guys, some guys like bears, or bigger huskier hairier guys (seriously, gay men, we have to stop naming every kind of man; even I did it and it's getting confusing). I like them to be muscular. I have since high school.

I am cognizant of the self-hating nature of this lust, as I am the least muscular person ever. But that was one of my "Looking Fine in 2009" goals: to stop merely staring at these muscle gods and actually start to do some of the exercises that made them look that way in the first place. Here's my issue.

I have a relatively small stock of exercises that I know how to do well for each body part, so I turn to those men's exercises magazines mentioned above for ideas on what new moves I can do to really help target my different body parts.

However, these magazines often only seem to stimulate one particular body part and it isn't my bicep... There are never any new exercises in them! Only page after page of full color pictures of shredded, often sweaty men staring at me.

Seriously, I picked one up last week and do you know what exercise it recommended I do to build a stronger back: the push-up.

Stop the muthaf#cking presses, y'all! Have you heard about this exercise called the, what was it? "Push-up"?! I'm astounded. Tell me more. Again, seriously! How many more times can I see someone perform a triceps extension before I get the general plot? Hand holds weight behind head. Arm goes up. Arm goes down. Done. That's it.

So if these magazines aren't really supplying any new information, are they just the new 1950s "physique" magazines that gay muscle lovers used to buy because actual gay magazines were considered obscene (example above)?

Or does someone actually sit in these magazines offices and think that another (!) article on the benefits of the push-up is worthwhile to the masses. And don't even get me started on the proliferation of amateur gay porn actors in these things or those ads for "Vista Video" in the back. So that's my question I guess.

Do you think those men's "fitness" magazines are really devoted to fitness or are they just muscle porn for gay men?


And as a follow-up question: I've flipped through women's exercise and health magazines like Shape and Self and the way they present women for female readers is a lot less sexualized than how some of these male fitness magazines present their models for presumably straight male readers.

Do you think straight guys realize this? Things that make you go, hmmm...

Answer away and feel free to take the question wherever you want to go with it!

(p.s. the push-up, incidentally, is no joke. That b!tch is a mutha to do but once you do them for a while, your entire torso really does bulk up. Just thought I'd let you know if you didn't know...)

Alright, here's a good one for you...


So the place that pays me twice a month when I go there and do stuff is in the medical field. Thus, we get a lot of e-mails from different medical and health companies trying to peddle their wares on us. Most of those e-mails end up in my Trash, except for one... The above e-mail (click to enlarge) at first was just like all the others until I noticed something different about it.

Wanna guess what that was?


Yeah, guessed right. WTF? is going on with this photo above?

Here's the part that I love. So at some point in time a company (it doesn't really matter who sent it, I get so many of these a day) had a meeting and someone said "Hey, we need to create some new promo images for our medical business e-mails...

Lets get a model who bears a resemblance to Mama Cass (below)...


Put her in a nurses uniform, then put a sorcerer's cape over her, and have her do some magical hand waving motions over a snow globe and we'll use that image in all our promotions to medical companies across the globe to show then that we can predict the future of medicine..."

Then, this is the best part, someone else in the room said "That's a good idea!" I mean seriously, look at this photo and tell me you're not dying inside...


Someone approved this and sent it out in their professional advertising e-mail. I love every minute of my life. Ooh, and I have another favorite part of the e-mail. I'll try to blow it up as it's a little hard to read below...


It says: "We hope you find this information useful and that you will share this email with your colleagues." Yes, I will be sure to let all my colleagues know about the Fortune Teller Mama Cass Lookalike Nurse Photo E-mail. And how!

You can't make this stuff up people, you just can't...

So "12 Rounds" (above) tanked. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times... No one particularly wants to see a movie with John Cena where he doesn't take his shirt off. It isn't rocket science. It's a piece of cotton.

That needs to be removed. But as I'm not a 'I told you so' kind of person, I'm just gonna skip all that and get to the heart of my post. I'm proactive. I really do want to help Cena succeed because A) he's hot and B) he's really hot.

Anyway, I'd like to see that on the big screen. All that sinewy man meat. But for some reason, Cena and his handlers have yet to contact me for my script to the action feature "Shirtless Jones."

The entire script is one page long, guys! I could fax or e-mail it or if you call me, I could even dictate it over the phone. But then it hit me.

The studio execs still do not see the potential hit franchise that "Jones" could spur! They aren't picking up on the fact that these movies could generate millions for all involved. You know what they need? Another script, that's what! They need to be convinced that this idea can span movie after movie, and maybe even include more hunks from the WWE universe. Which brings us to today's script: "Pantsless Jones".

Yes, everyone, it's the sequel to "Shirtless Jones" and it is more action packed, more suspenseful, and I even included a little something for my straight guys and the lesbians, and it even has TWO SCENES! Are you ready for it?


First, here's your cast. Cena would play Shirtless Jones again. Batista (above) would play his cousin Pantsless Jones. Robert Patrick would play the Captain and Rosario Dawson, another cop. OK. Let's begin... And remember this is the ENTIRE FULL-LENGTH SCREENPLAY below!

UPDATED (4/24/09): Sam, who is my official Script Supervisor, had some wonderful edits which I think really give the screenplay that something extra. Enjoy!

INT. POLICE PRECINCT OFFICE - DAY

Inside the ramshackle office of a West Philadelphia city police precinct, a group of rag tag officers gather round CAPTAIN O'FLANNERY as he begins to say a few words. Flanking the CAPTAIN are SHIRTLESS JONES and PANTSLESS JONES, both tall and striking, they are wearing tight t-shirts and slacks that do little to hide their incredibly muscular physiques. The CAPTAIN puts his hand on PANTSLESS JONES' shoulder, and raises his other hand to calm the crowd.


The crowd of officers begins to hoot.


All eyes in the room turn to the back of the office, where standing in a corner shrouded in darkness is the MAN WITH A PAST. He begins to walk toward the crowd as Shirtless Jones stands in disgust.


The MAN WITH A PAST runs to the stairwell and the crowd begins to erupt in activity. Captain O'Flannery stands on a chair.


Captain O'Flannery, Shirtless Jones, and Pantsless Jones all head toward the stairwell until they hear the voice of OFFICER ANASTASIA RODRIGUEZ, a beautiful young female officer from a bad neighborhood whose seen things, but she still has a heart of gold.

[Script Supervisor Sam's Edit: Because she's working the undercover vice squad later that evening, Officer Rodriguez is wearing thigh-high stiletto boots and a pair of hot pants with her badge pinned to her shirt and her hair in a bun, because she's a lady.]


Shirtless Jones walks over to her.


Anastasia undoes her hair pin letting her cascading mane of lustrous hair run down her back. She shakes it all loose.


The four begin up the stairs to the roof.


EXT. POLICE PRECINCT ROOF - DAY

Captain O'Flannery, Pantsless Jones, and Shirtless Jones run up to the precinct roof dotted with water towers and cable switch boxes. They look around feverishly.


As Pantsless Jones and Captain O'Flannery run off, the Man with a Past jumps from behind a water tower and strangles Shirtless Jones with a shoelace. But with a punch and a kick, Shirtless Jones frees himself and knocks the MAN to the ground. Jones stands over him.


Slowly, Shirtless Jones begins to remove his shirt, revealing his beefy chest, six-pack abs, rounded back, and swollen arms.

[Script Supervisor Sam's Edit: A THUNDERCLAP is heard and it begins to rain, however, the rain is contained to the part of the roof where Shirtless Jones stands. The rain water all over his body gives him trouble taking his shirt off, which causes him to rub the water all over his chest and abs in an effort to get the shirt off.]

The camera pans his torso for 45 minutes. Shirtless Jones eventually takes his t-shirt and ties the wrists of the weak Man with a Past.


In the distance, Shirtless Jones hears a SCREAM and runs over to Pantsless Jones and Captain O'Flannery who are peering off the edge of the roof where below Officer Gonzales is dangling from a window ledge.


Captain O'Flannery runs off and returns with a length of rope. He begins to lower it to Officer Gonzales over the roof's edge. The rope grazes the tips of Officer Gonzales' fingers but isn't long enough for her to reach to grab hold and pull herself up.


Slowly, Pantsless Jones takes off his pants revealing his tight quads, the striations in his hamstrings and his rock hard calves. The camera pans his lower half for 45 minutes. Afterward, Pantsless Jones ties his pants to the end of the rope and lowers it to Officer Gonzales, who grabs a hold and the three men pull her back up to the roof for safety.

Once on the roof, Officer Gonzales wraps her arms around Pantsless Jones and begins to get teary eyed.


Pantsless Jones removes his shirt and dabs the tears off her cheeks with it. She takes it in her hand gazing at Pantsless Jones. Captain O'Flannery glances at the Shirtless Jones and then Pantsless Jones.


They all laugh in unison.

FADE OUT.

THE END.


It's got action, suspense, romance, a twist ending!

What more could the studio execs want! I'll even give them a movie poster tagline:

"He takes his pants off one bad guy at a time."

This is quality people! Now, if "Pantsless Jones" were in theaters would you see it? Which do you prefer, Shirtless Jones' top half or Pantsless Jones' bottom? And what about the movie's sequel "Pantsless Jones 2: Pants Off With a Vengeance"?

Oh and lest you think there isn't one, the original has another sequel too: "Shirtless Jones 2: Shirts Vs. Skins". People, I could do this all day!

Hello everyone! If you didn't already know, today is Earth Day, and we here at Juice with Junior have been doing our share to help clean up the environment, and keep it clean by changing...

Listen, I gotta drop the spokesman act for a minute. I'm not gonna lie to you; being Earth-friendly is hard. All that extra crap that fills our for lack of a better term, landfills, makes our lives enormously easier.

Those little paper cup holders they give you at fast food places make sure you don't drop your drinks. That hair dryer helps you perfect your look for a night out. And, of course, your car gets you where you want to go without the hassle of say a horse and carriage (although a part of me would love to travel by horse and carriage all day, as long as I had an assistant to clean up the poop. Horses poop a lot for some reason). But these conveniences (it only took me three times to spell that word right) either make extra material that may not be able to be recycled or add toxins into our atmosphere that slowly kill the ecosystem (and our lungs).

That's why we've got to clean it up! Now, the day may be more than half over, but I wanted to provide some tips that I've picked up from my reducing my carbon footprint (you're welcome Al Gore...) that aren't crazy difficult to do.

The first actually has to do with our blog theme "Looking Fine in 2009." What I've discovered in my whole eating less and healthier and exercising, is that taking care of your body is very beneficial to the environment. That's why my first tip is: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Need some convincing?


When you eat less, you buy less, which not only saves money, but saves the packaging from the products you used to eat ending up in your garbage. Of course, the company is still gonna make that package of Zebra Cakes and someone will buy it, but we're talking about reducing your waste. You can work on reducing other peoples' waste later. Same thing goes with fast food; you'll save money and all that trash from the drive thru will end up in someone else's trash.

Plus, when you're more fit, you'll be more active meaning a drive to the corner store can become a walk saving you gas money, reducing the emissions you release in your car, and cutting some extra calories. It's a win win for everyone.

While my first tip involves your body, my second and third and final tips involve your home, the only other place where you can control how much energy you use helping the environment and saving you money on your electric bill. First, for these tips, you'll need a pad and pencil. Got a pad and pencil? Good. You're gonna have to write down stuff. Can you read and write? Even better! Let's begin.

First thing, my next tip is to: REPLACE OLD LIGHT BULBS.

You'll be picking up new energy-friendly CFL bulbs (learn more about those here) which are better for the environment in so many ways. But, and here's where the pen and paper come in, you're gonna change your bulbs in an efficient way.

One weekend, walk around your home and write down every bulb you encounter and what the Wattage is. Lamps, overhead lights, outside lights, bathroom vanity, refrigerator light, every place there may be a bulb, write down the name of the room, what the bulb is in, and the Wattage on the top of the bulb. The next part is simple. Head over to your local home store (my local Home Depot has a crazy long aisle of just CFL bulbs) and look for the wattages of blubs that you need. If you have a lot of 100 watt bulbs in lamps and things, pick up a combo pack which saves packaging waste and may be cheaper (these bulbs tend to be a little more expensive, but should blow out less frequently).

Then go home and replace all those old bulbs. Unfortunately, you can't recycle these old bulbs but I would recommend that instead of throwing them out (especially if they work) save your old bulbs in the CFL bulb package you just bought.


My last tip is a quickie: UNPLUG ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES YOU'RE NOT USING. Again, you'll need a pen and paper. Start in one room and make a list of everything plugged into a wall in that room, but under two categories: "Needs to be Plugged In All the Time" and "Can Be Unplugged When Not in Use."

An example of both: cable box should prolly stay plugged in but a lamp on a side table you never go near doesn't. Then, if you don't have any, pick up some power surge style extension cords. Then, what you'll do is try to group the appliances that need to stay plugged in on one extension cord and what doesn't on another.

This way, when you leave your house, you can quickly unplug the extension cord to everything that doesn't need to be plugged in while leaving what does need to stay plugged alone. Did that make sense?

This may take some logistical finesse but it's easier than it sounds. Unplugging from the wall is best too; it makes sure you're not using any residual power in any appliance or electronic when plugged in.

If you can't get what needs to be unplugged on one cord, just leave it unplugged until you need it and vice versa. It'll save your electricity bill too!

Those are my tips which you can start today now! Go on! Get started! I'll wait... Hmmm, hmmm, waiting...

If you have any more, feel free to share as there's always something we can do to help the environment. Now, um, it seems all the worms have crawled out of my compost bin starter pack. Um, I gotta go!

Happy Earth Day, everyone!

The picture of desperation. As seen on a subway station poster.

Or a poster for host Vivica A. Fox's reality show "The Cougar" on TV Land above. So many things wrong in that sentence...

I choose to remember her in better times...

(p.s. also the term "cougar," misogynistic term for women or the most misogynistic term for women? You decide.)

As if you guys didn't already know my bestie La and I are kind of obsessed with "Law and Order: SVU" and not only because Christopher Meloni is wicked hot. Although that he very much is.

We love everything about the show: the detectives, the cases, the lawyers, to the big twist, "SVU" is one of those shows that may work by a formula, but it's a formula of which we never tire. We've even gone so far as to insert ourselves into the show, making up scenarios for the people we'd like to play if we were ever cast on the show. She'd like to play that person at the beginning of every episode who is doing something completely unrelated to the rest of the show, when she stumbles on the dead body!

Chung Chung.

I, on the other hand, would like to play that college student who Mariska Hargitay's Det. Olivia Benson and Meloni's Det. Elliot Stabler have to interview, but who is much too busy to stop walking to class to talk to them.

They always say something like "Listen, I would like to help you, I really would. But as I said, I left the party at midnight. And Jessica was there when I left. Is that it because I really have to get to class..." Chung Chung.


But if I'm gonna be on the show, I need to make sure that I can stay alive and not go through the episode being kidnapped, raped, or killed, which in the New York City of the show is a near impossibility. That's why when I was watching an episode on MyNetworkTV on Sunday, I realized that there needs to be some kind of resource guide you can visit that will tell you the biggest mistakes you should avoid if you'd like to live on SVU for an episode.

Then, I realized We Could Do It! I mean we've seen like all the episodes. We can easily put together a list of rules to follow in order to not get raped or killed on "SVU." Of course, you can't really enter a fictional show, but a boy can dream! Let's begin and of course, if you have other rules, do comment away!



1. Do not have sex. Ever.

Like a horror movie, having sex on "SVU" is the kiss of death. You will prolly end up getting abused or killed and Tamara Tunie's Medical Examiner Warner will stand over your body and say something like "I'm seeing some contusions. It could be rape or rough sex. We won't know till she wakes up."



2. Do not date Det. Benson.

Seriously, she (above) is like a man repellent. Date her and you'll either get no screen time or turn out to be the killer, or both.



3. Do not hope A.D.A. Casey Novak will put your assailant away.

Seriously, Novak (Diane Neal above) was the worst Assistant District Attorney ever! All of her cases fell apart!



4. Do not attend Hudson University or be anywhere on campus at night... And maybe even during the day... just to be safe.

A week without a sexual assault or homicide on the Hudson University campus is like front page news for those students. If you don't follow this rule, you will most likely end up raped and/or killed in any of the following places: the dorm, the library, a frat house, the street, a professor's house, a college party, etc.

Try BMCC instead.



5. Don't get in the way of Det. Stabler's (above) incredible hotness.

I had to.



6. Also, don't get in the way of ME Warner's (above) need to be somewhere else tonight but she came in just for you guys to rush you these autopsy results on our Jane Doe, but that's it, after this she's going back home to her husband...

No joke, I feel like she says this in literally every episode.



7. Don't be gay, think gay, act gay, or do anything even remotely gay as the torture of the gay will make you rape yourself.

The gays don't have a great track record on "SVU." Det. Tutuola's gay son has been through hell and back. When Jonathan Tucker's character's father saw him in bed with another man, he murdered the lover.

The list goes on...



8. Do not be any one of Stabler's 27 children.



9. Don't act sane around forensic psychiatrist Dr. George Huang.

If, in the "SVU" universe, you are ever arrested for a crime, whether you did it or not, here's a tip. Just act crazy in front of Dr. Huang (b.d. wong above). He will find some mental defect and get you sent to a comfy psych ward somewhere upstate.

It never fails!



10. Don't be a child.

"SUV" is the worst show ever to be a child. If you're a kid, you will be kidnapped, sold into sexual slavery, just plain having sex too soon, you may kill someone, or have your whole life ruined by a pedo and commit suicide. Or you'll have to say some really uncomfortable dialog in front of a whole lot of adults. I hate this show!

It's so awful! But don't worry, I'll be back tomorrow to watch some more!


Okay, I purposefully left out stuff so that you guys could chime in with more rules for how to stay alive and protected if you're on an episode of "SVU." Whatcha got? And if you were every on the show, what part would you want to play? And don't say the killer because my hand is on the phone right now... And I will call the police...

Toodles!

I have been avoiding talking about this for like a month, but when something literally assaults you every single time you turn on the Top 40 radio station in your area, you realize that it's time to talk about it. What am I talking about? I'm talking about that Flo Rida song "Right Round" (video above).

First of all, I must tell you that I didn't know what a "Flo Rida" was until about a month ago. If someone told me it was the name for a brand of rims made in Miami I would have believed it. So there's that. Then, when I heard that the... singerapper, which is my new word for people who don't sing but don't rap either, had a number one song out there, I was doubly surprised. Who is this person and why is he so popular?

Then I heard the song and realized what the hubbub was about. Basically, Flo Rida's "Right Round" is a repurposed "You Spin Me Around (Like a Record)" (below) by 80s new wave wonders Dead or Alive, which is the only reason it's popular.

I say this because it only takes one listen to Flo Rida's song to realize that the Dead or Alive sample is the only good part of the song. The rest is an unintelligible mess.

Now "Right Round" has been out for awhile so you may be wondering why I'm even talking about after all this time.

Well, it presents a conundrum for me, which is why I've titled this post a "Curious Case" instead of a "Thing I Don't Like." See, unlike a lot of people, I don't dislike sampling or think that it's stealing, or think that artists who sample aren't creative in their own right. I think to hear something and realize it can work in another context is a talent by itself. I also notice a pervasive racism among music lovers when it comes to sampling in that bloggers and critics alike will complain to the high holy heavens when a hip hop artist legally samples a classic song from the past as if any song is so sacred it should be heard again.

Suddenly that hip hop artist is a copycat or stealing or can't think of their own good ideas but when Moby or Girl Talk do the exact same thing, they're "innovative"! Which is why I'm inclined to say that there's nothing wrong with Flo Rida's song. Except that the other part of me says that yes, it may be OK for you to sample something, but you have to take that sample and turn it into something good. The whole has to be more than the sum of the parts.


"Right Round" isn't. It's just bad. Which is why it's popular. But aside from that, it's really bad and its badness is making me feel like, yes, in this case the sampling is cheating, is uncreative, is the easy way to a hit, and is just as bad as say the Crew-Cuts stealing black music in the 50s.

On the one hand, I want to support because I truly do feel like just how you have a Broadway revival, older material can and should be used again in different ways, whether that be doing a cover or using a sample. Then on the other hand, this song is such utter crap that I wanna throw haterade too!

So I'll just leave it where it is and ask: what is your take on this curious case? Are you on Team Sound Sample or are you on Team Song Stealer?

Some of you may remember and some of may have no clue, but about a year ago I moved into a new apartment. Well, I'm about to call up my landlord and let him know that I would like to keep living there (at the same rent! at the same rent! at the same rent!) because my year-long lease is up.

But there's something about that that just feels wrong. It's been a year and, um well, and...

The place isn't decorated yet! Cue cymbals crashing, women fainting, babies crying, balls shrinking! I know! This has never happened to me before. Listen, I'm about to confess something that everyone already knows: I'm a stereotypical gay.

I love to decorate.

Yes, I know, I know. So stereotypical. But I'm good at it, and not like "buy everything at IKEA" good but actually good, if I may say so and I just did so I'll say it again. I'm good.

In her never-ending quest to make me the gayest person alive, my mother dragged me to endless tag sales, flea markets, and yard sales to buy good quality furniture. And then to the design departments' of the nicest stores in the area to look at accessories and accents. Yes, I said "accents"...

Along the way, I learned the difference between modern and contemporary (for modern, think clean lines; for contemporary, think classic shapes paired with neutral colors), traditional and rustic, rustic and Southern rustic, and got good at creating inspired rooms with different themes, concepts, styles, and personalities.

Now before you think me a braggart, I must say that I received many a compliment on my first apartment. Its theme was "Traditional Beach House"...

Naturally, the walls were in a yellowed off-white, the furniture was a mixture of light-colored woods, accessories in greens, sky blues, and oranges and because I couldn't paint (renting remember) I tacked an alternating blue and green striped patterned fabric (that, yes, was from IKEA) to a wall for a punch of color and a dramatic way to sew the room together. Everything was arranged just so. Oh, I loved it so! My friends always said they thought the place looked great and when my old landlords had to sell the place, realtors thought I had staged it for them. Which is what makes this new apartment's lack of design so troubling. See, here's the problem.

While my old apartment was small (a studio; only about 475 square feet), it had great structure and walls that automatically created little areas I could take my few pieces of furniture and accessories and make them look like I had something special.

This apartment is not like that at all... It's a bigger studio (a little more than 515 square feet), and it has miles and miles of wall space, a big open floor plan and a weird shape. I have no idea where to put the furniture! It's been racking my brain for months. I've tried all different configurations and nothing works! I WILL NOT BE BROKEN!


Finally, I just recently came up with a concept for the place: Bedford Modern. Think light walls and really dark furniture, beige rugs, black lamps, all the fixings. But regardless, I still have no clue where to put the furniture in this bizzaro apartment.

That's when I realized something...

I have several (?) people who read this blog when they're bored at work or when they have some free time, and some, if not all, of these people could have amazing design sense! I need to tap this untapped resource! Which is why I'm providing you the tools to help me place the furniture in my apartment and give me a new design! YOU CAN DO IT! And I have no other options...

This is my real apartment's layout (click to enlarge)...


And below is a list of my large pieces of furniture...


Now, okay, I'm begging, PLLLEEEAZE help me! I have a few ideas but I'd love more and every time I ask people they say "You'll think of something..." UM, IT'S BEEN A YEAR! I thank you in advance for any help you can give. Now you don't have to worry about the size of any of the furniture or accessories or artwork.

I have enough framed art to open an art gallery. Seriously, between actual art and my framed photographs, I don't have to paint to put color on the walls. I just want to get an idea of what you'd do with these mile-long walls!

Now I took another crack at it, and that's below...


I was trying to create nooks: when you walked in, there'd be my office nook, then an entertainment nook... If I hired myself to design my apartment, I would have fired myself a long time ago. Why is this so hard? Oh, I wanted to add that I'm not expecting anyone to draw on the plans, just in words tell me where you might put things! GOOD LORD PLEEEZE!!!


If you had this irregularly shaped apartment, what would you do with it?

(p.s. there's another issue with the fact that the living room window looks out onto another group of apartments so there are some challenges with furniture placement, but I'll bring that up if necessary! Thanks in advance!)