Editor's Note: This post contains copious amounts of D. Actually, this post is in fact so NSFW that you can't even read it during business hours. Seriously. Believe it.
Okay, so of course I understand the concept that men will always look for new ways of providing themselves pleasure by putting their Levi Johnstons into things. I mean that's why the glory hole was invented, and if you don't know what a glory hole is I'm not linking to the definition for you. Don't even ask me because I won't tell you either.
That's a glory hole. You're welcome.
But these things men create to pleasure themselves without having to A) invest in human relationships or B) exert any effort by themselves, usually fade away as quickly as they arrive. Aside from the Fleshlight (don't ask me how I know what this is), there hasn't been a stupid thing out on the market for randy gentlemen with little patience at all. Until now...
Thanks to the Real Touch (link SO NSFW!!!), pictured below. The Real Touch is a, um, device, that men can stick their disco sticks into that plugs into their computers (!) and will simulate the sensation of sex courtesy of a bunch of ribbed, rotating, latexy panels inside the device that speed up or slow down according to that sex occurring during the corresponding purchased pornography playing on said computer that the device is hooked up to. Exhale.
I give up.
You try, and you try. You think that one day men are gonna grow up, lead productive lives, heal the sick, feed the hungry, and then something like the Real Touch comes along and reminds you that no, instead men would rather be at home f#cking their Dell Inspirons. Sorry, I'll backtrack. Need to know more before you put the Real Touch on your holiday shopping guides? Never fear, I've got all the details...
Actually, this guy has all the details so I'll let him explain this thing (note the way the interviewer shuffles his papers throughout as if he were interviewing Kofi Annan, love it!)...
This useful and necessary gadget was first brought to my attention by the venerable Gay Porn Blog (link again SO NSFW THAT A KITTEN JUST DIED, IT'S THAT SERIOUS!), which I really need to stop reading except that I, um, can't.
And all I want to say about this device existing is...
No. And then the other thing I wanted to say about it is... No. And the last thing I wanted to say about it is, wait, let me see, I almost forgot, oh yeah, I remember now... No!
No no no no no no no!
Why so against you ask? Well, it has nothing to do with self-love.
Listen, without self-love, I would have never made it out of the 11th grade. My problem has more to do with the replacing human contact for sex with machines. I mean I know the Real Touch can never give you herpes but do we really want to encourage the sad men who watch porn (they are sad, I'm sad, you're sad, we're all sad) to connect more with their laptops than humanoids...
HAS "DEMOLITION MAN" (below) TAUGHT US NOTHING?!!
By the way, all of human existence can be explained by the film "Demolition Man." Moving on. The other reason I'm not a fan has to do with the fact that it's a mechanical device wrapped around your jumblies! Moving parts should NEVER be near your kibbles and bits EVER, even for the sake of pleasure. Why?
Because something will inevitably go wrong...
Think I'm blowing this (ahem) out of proportion. I have one more video to share. Aside from being utterly hilarious, I ask you the following question as you watch, what man who is tacky enough to own a Real Touch and then go about using it is actually gonna follow the myriad instructions presented below...?
Dim the lights and prepare to laugh and cry all at the same time.
Someone is going to the emergency room with their ding a ling stuck inside one of these things I can see it now. Guys, just be nice to someone and they will, funny enough, want to pleasure you! You don't need a repurposed toaster oven to do it for you, promise! Now, what do you think of the Real Touch? Have you added it to your wishlist? Or do those instructions seem like more work than its worth?
Oh and to see the incredibly uncensored, leave nothing to the imagination video of what it looks like when a guy uses one of these things click the Gay Porn Blog link above but I swear to you, I cannot be held liable if you lose your job because you looked at that video at the office. To the breadline for you!
You'll just have to sell your Real Touch to pay the rent.