Juice with Junior

I may be down for the count because of my crazed schedule for the past month, but I am far from out of the holiday spirit! It's inside here, next to the Cool Ranch Doritos and my simultaneous need for attention/to be left alone. I just had to dust it off, wind it up, and it spouted out "We need to do another Anatomy of a Holiday Song before Christmas!" And so it came to be! Anatomy of a Holiday Song is back! WHOO to the HOOO, is what I say!

For those head scratchers out there, Anatomy of a Holiday Song is a feature where I pick apart the lyrics to some classic song we all sing during the holidays to discover its hidden meaning. I mean, we sing these songs every year and often we have no idea what we're singing. In the past, I have uncovered some startling facts: like "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is like a date rape anthem or the fact that "(There's No Place Like) Home for the Holidays" is the gayest song ever written. No one else is willing to say these things 'cept me! So let's enjoy a brand new holiday song and see what we can learn about it we never knew before!

Today's Song: "Santa Baby"

Santa baby, just slip a sable under the tree, for me
Before we start, I just want to say that this is one of my favorite Christmas songs ever, but with a caveat. The only acceptable version was performed by a one Miss Eartha Kitt in 1953 (link above). Her version is sexy, smart, and playful. Everyone else who has ever covered this song sounds like a dirty whore and will be treated as such by me. Now that that's out of the way, let's begin... So a lot of people get the lyrics to this one wrong. First, our girl is requesting a sable, which is shorthand for a coat made out of sable fur. A sable, the animal looks like what would happen if a dog and a bear got it on. Now, PETA, don't get your sable fur in a knot. She recorded this song in the 50s long before people started splashing pig's blood on women on Fifth Avenue, which clearly has been such an effective strategy for getting people to stop wearing fur. Psyche.

Been an awful good girl
I like this line because who knows if she's saying she's been a terrible good girl, which is just like being terrible but calling yourself good, or if she's actually been good. I'm betting the former.

Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
I will think of an incredibly dirty sexual euphemism for this phrase in the next three minutes.

Santa baby, a '54 convertible too, light blue
Wait, me too, Santa! Over here! I want a '54 light blue convertible! I want to drive down the street and have people think my car's a yacht.

I'll wait up for you dear
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
I'll "hurry down his chimney tonight" hubba hubba... Okay, that makes no sense...

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be just as good
If you'll check off my Christmas list
I like these lines because basically she's saying "Hey Santa, here's the deal. I could have been a ho, a big 'ole ho. Let me tell you, there were so many opportunities. That time at the pool hall. That one time at the truck stop. Every Friday down by the docks. I could have "kissed" a lotta guys but I didn't. For you. Now buy me some junk..."

Santa baby, I wanna yacht and really that's not a lot
I with her on this. Didja know, if you get a permit, you can live on a yacht on 79th Street for dramatically less than an apartment at the same address! Hello, I'm there! All you have to do is dodge the dead bodies the mob dumps in the river and seagulls who won't take no for an answer and you're set.

Been an angel all year
I don't believe this.

Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Oh, I got it! So the "chimney" is like her vajay and then Santa is gonna take his big gift bags... why isn't this euphemism working?!

Santa honey, one little thing I really need:
The deed, to a platinum mine
I'm not keen on this one. Having your own mine means you gotta pay for workers who'll need health insurance and then you have to find platinum distributors. I'll pass on this one...

Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex, and checks
"Duplex" is a shorthand for a printer that will print checks on both sides quickly.

Sign your 'X' on the line
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight
I got nothing, darn.

Come and trim my Christmas tree
When I was a kid, I didn't understand that "trim" meant "decorate," and I remember asking my mom one time, "Mom, why do people get a Christmas tree just to trim off the branches. It's not a real tree, it's not gonna grow." Love young me...

With some decorations bought at Tiffany
Make sure he doesn't go to Jared!

I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me
...To not be a ho.

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring
I don't mean on the phone
This song was totally the precursor to "Single Ladies." Santa, if you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it!

Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
I've got it! Okay, so the chimney is her legs, both of them, and Santa means his hands but only after he's taken off his suit because, well, you see smoke leaves a chimney so it's like he's... Forget it. I can't think of anything.

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry, tonight