Juice with Junior

Hey everyone! We're back and we're gonna talk about something a little different today. You see, I was websiting recently when I stumbled across a blog that was extolling the hotness of some actor, and something struck me as interesting. While we here at Juice with Junior spend a lot of time talking about hotness, from John Cena to The Sunday Swoons, I like to think that we aren't 'Hotness Skanks,' you know, those people who just say any flavor of the month is hot without even thinking about it. Not here, and not me.

At the blog, we spend a lot of time going over the key factors that make someone hot, face, body, personality, presence, attitude, face, body, and make a final determination about whether that person deserves to be called hot.

That doesn't mean if they don't make the cut, they're ugly; maybe it means they're cute or lovable or attractive.

But "hot" is reserved for those people who haunt our dreams every night making sweet sweet love to us in a way only hot people can. (And don't look at me cross, in no way do I think I'm hot. Instead, I know what I am: quirky.)

However, more and more, I go around and I read websites and magazines and hear conversations in the streets about how some famous person is "sooo hot" when in fact, they're just alright. Not anything special. I'm not swooning. The reason I think this is important is because back in the day, in order to be famous, you had to come correct with your hotness. It had to be very clear that you looked good. Elizabeth Taylor, Rock Hudson, Marlon Brando... You couldn't be a sex symbol in the past unless your sh!t was on point, which is why this incessant "he's hot, she's hot" gets on my nerves. Make 'em work for it! Don't give away the label so freely. You see the paces I put Javier Bardem through, and even still I'm not 100%.

That's why I'm starting a list of some people in entertainment who need to be brought down a peg because they ain't that hot. Let's start with the men. Now I know, there may be some names on this list people will fight me about, but I stick to my choices and am holding up my shield to protect me from haterade.

Let's go... Here are My Top 5: Male Stars Who Ain't That Hot.


5)


Eric Bana (above)

I've seen a bunch of posters for "The Time Traveler's Wife," Bana's romantic drama with Rachel McAdams recently and heard the swoony comments women and gay men had given to him, but I just don't see it.

Not even when he was practically half-naked in "Troy" did I think he was that hot, which is weird because he's Australian and all Australians are hot. But no. I kinda think that he looks like a chipmunk. But before you think I'm being harsh, understand that this comes from someone who also strongly resembles a chipmunk so I can criticize my own kind.

Hotter Equivalent: Hugh Jackman


4)


Chris Evans (above)

When Evans burst onto the scene in "Fantastic Four," the sound you hear from theater to theater was that of panties hitting the floor. I pulled mine up higher still and rallied to my friends that he was not hot. I was told I was insane.

I countered that Evans would be hot if he was a barista at your local coffeehouse, but as a movie star, he's blah. All doughy blandness, the equivalent of biting into a perfectly golden pancake that wasn't left to cook on the inside.

Hotter Equivalent: Channing Tatum


3)


Tyrese (above)

So I was watching "Chelsea Lately" recently (when am I not?) and she had Tyrese on, and all the ladies in the audience starting swooning.

I wondered, why? He sure does have some big... teeth. That's about it. Anyway, he's been starring in these epic summer blockbusters recently, "Transformers: Taking America's Money Since 2007," being the latest one, and I guess he's a passable actor. He's about as passable as an actor as he is an R&B singer (damn I've got hate, don't I!?) but hot? I think not.

Hotter Equivalent: Tyson Beckford


2)


Jason Statham (above)

I'm gonna say it because I've been thinking it forever. You could crack open Jason Statham's head an fry yourself an omelet. There, it's been said. It's ginormous. I said that too. Listen, I'm gonna say this as well. There is no reason to find the British action star attractive in any way. Done. Except for saying that I won't deny that he has the parts to be hot, but the way they were arranged ended up ruining the final product. Let's do a final check with my groin...

Nothing. Just nothing.

Hotter Equivalent: Bruce Willis


1)


Gerard Butler (above)

The guy who I was reading about being hot, the guy who started it all, Scottish actor Butler (sorry foreigners! I do find so many other men from the UK attractive, promise!) has never been one to light my fire. When he was thin, he was aiiight. When he got thicker for movies like "300," I still wasn't impressed. He just seemed more round than muscular really...

And now that he's become this bone fide star, who might I add gay men seem to go gaga for, I am puzzled. Is he hot? Really? He looks a little bloated if you ask me, and charmless. And dull. And I'm really trying to be objective here. With all the guys, I've tried to choose what I consider their sexiest photo maybe thinking I'll have a change of heart. But Butler still does nothing for me. Is it a type thing? I don't think so, I love me a tall beefy guy. But there's something wormy about Butler. Can't put my finger on it. Don't want to put my finger on it.

Hotter Equivalent: Anyone on the French National Rugby Team


Now I need to know, are there any male movie stars who think aren't that hot or not as hot as people say they are? And it doesn't have to be movie stars, those are my picks.

It could be guys in music, TV, theater, any guy who've looked at and wondered what the fuss was over. I have a few more like Brits Clive Owen and Robert Pattinson (right) who I'm taking a long and hard look at to evaluate their hotness. And if you want to defend the hotness rights of any of the guys I did choose, then be my guest, but I assure you, I will put up a fight.

Betta go and get your armor...

Last thing, don't think this is only the men.

Nexties, we will be taking a look at those female stars who dominate the lad mag covers and ask ourselves, is she really all that hot. See you then.