Juice with Junior

Okay, last time we discussed the guys...

This time, it's all about those girls in Hollywood whose looks get way too much attention for not being that spectacular. Now, understand, I normally give actresses a break from my ribbing. Think about it.

They have enormous pressure to look perfect and be thin thin thin, yet womanly, all the time.

They don't get no respect past 40 and even when they're younger, they have to fight for the too few roles that are out there. If they're not actresses, they often have to trade some of their sexuality to get noticed in H-wood. That's why I was hesitant to even do a list like this. Why should I contribute to the impossible standard of beauty set by Hollywood? Well I'm gonna try hard not to from now on, but here's why I did the post anyway...

I've noticed there's this breed of female celebrity that does little to no actual creating, yet subsists because straight and bi guys and lesbians too (admit it girls) think these ladies are hot. And the stars do nothing to counter that perception. They happily take roles away from the more deserving simply because people think they're hot. But here's the a$$ kicker...

They aren't even really that hot! They just happen to have a coterie of make-up and hairstylists to do up their Plain Jane looks and a team of publicists to make sure the lad mags sell them as hot. Well, here's one guy whose simply not buying!

Here are My Top 5: Female Stars Who Ain't That Hot!


5)


Megan Fox (above)

I chose the pin-up girl of the moment, actress Fox, for the #5 slot because I don't think that she's too far away from hot. I couldn't look into those jewel blue eyes and say that Fox wasn't comely. The thing that I don't understand about all the fervor over how she looks is the fact that no one has said she looks like she's cast out of plastic. It's something about how they shape her eyebrows and use that bronzer on her skin that makes her entire face look like it's literal plastic. And aside from her eyes, it's a pretty normal looking face.

Nothing to write home about.

And her body is beautiful but so are a lotta women's. Fox doesn't need to be as hunted by everyone as she is now. See what I did there? Fox... Hunted... Oh, me!

Hotter Equivalent: Angelina Jolie, yesterday, today, and tomorrow


4)


Jessica Biel (above)

I don't like Jessica Biel, and if I ever meet her, I'll say it to her face. There's something snivelly about her beady little eyes and that mouth with the too many teeth. When she's all made to look pretty, she does pull it off, but "hot?" I'm saving that for someone who deserves it.

Hotter Equivalent: a Baby Colt (that one's for dating the Timberfake!)


3)


Eliza Dushku (above)

I'm pretty sure I've told this story before, but when I was in college I had a little TV and back when you could get TV with an antenna, I managed to get one channel (Fox 68: Syracuse) that came through clearly. As it was a FOX station, I was forced to watch "Tru Calling," Dushku's horrendous show on the network. At the time, she was touted as the hot thing after "Bring It On," but I wondered why everyone was making a fuss over this mousy looking girl with a weird voice and a barely-there attitude. I still wonder this...

Hotter Equivalent: Jamie-Lynn Sigler


2)


Jessica Alba (above)

Okay, can I be honest? Can I be really honest? I have NEVER understood the fascination with Jessica Alba. EVER! I don't know why she ever was picked over someone in an audition. I don't know why she's famous. I don't know why she keeps getting roles. She had one good role, as one of the popular girls in "Never Been Kissed" and that's it. My ranting aside...

I mean she's cute. Lovely? Sure. Attractive? You're pushing it. See, for someone to be hot, they have to have a modicum of passion about them and I'm afraid Alba is about as passionate as a glass of icea tea, which unless it's been poured over someone hot, is just not hot. And having a great figure helps, but it isn't everything... Sorry the other Jessica...

Hotter Equivalent: Zoe Saldana


1)


Kim Kardashian (above)

Kim Kardashian is not an actress. She's not a singer. Or a model. Or anything. Like Joel McHale on "The Soup" says "She's famous for having a big a$$ and a sex tape." And I'm afraid that if the former Almost Mrs. Reggie Bush had to rely on anything lookswise than having comically large breasts and a shelf booty, she's be hurting for food at this point.

There's nothing else.

And can we talk about that body for a minute? That booty is just an un-sexy unnecessary exaggeration of some warped straight guy fantasy and those breasts... they don't look happy. They're big, but they have no joy in life. No excitement. I can't understand why people like her when sister Khloe is bringing the sexy with a personality to boot on the daily!

Hotter Equivalent: Nicole Scherzinger


Now it's time for you to make your opinions known about the ladies. Are there any female celebs out there you find to just be your run-of-the-mill pretty and they prolly shouldn't be getting all this press from everyone for being the hot young thang?

Or do you want to explain what I'm missing about the supposed hotness of the ladies above? I'd love to hear your arguments to my contrary.

Oh and it doesn't have to just be young starlets for your list.

There are plenty of people from the past whose presumed hotness confused me. Like Daryl Hannah (right). I never really understood what was going on there or why she played the sexy one so often. When I saw her in the beginning of "Steel Magnolias," I thought she was finally acting the way I feel about her. But that's enough shade from me.

Throw some of your own!