Little Gay Moment: Love for the Gay Porn Intro...

Editor's Note: Like everything in this post is NSFW. That is not a joke.


Are the kiddies asleep? Are they? They better be, because this post is seriously not for them. We're going to be talking about porn, sorry, personal entertainment videos, and I can't be held responsible if you didn't put the kiddies to bed before now, you let them use the computer, they found this post, and are now... asking questions. Don't blame me. Now, are they asleep? They are... Good. Because this post is only for the grown & sexy... Or should I say the grown & lonely as it is about porn... But not just any porn.

The best kind: gay porn!

Okay, look, I love porn. I do. Love it. And millions upon millions do too. Along with prostitution, people may not like porn but it's always existed, exists now, and will exist in the future. It's always. I know it's degrading to just about everyone and the industry itself is rife with exploitation and drugs and suffering and crying body curled up in the shower.

But so is McDonald's, and at least porn won't make you fat (especially not your right arm). It would be completely hypocritical to say we shouldn't watch it because of all the stuff I mentioned and because it maybe can erode respect for human sexuality...

Yada yada yada. The deal is I posses it. I watch it. I love it. Hey! I'm a single man OK! There is no sex in my champagne room! Why am I being so defensive? You know why. I think it's because when people hear me say I love porn, they think I'm talking about the main event, like I'm some ravenous sex fiend whose hands have turned into claws after years of self-love with the window blinds shut so the days and nights blend together into a dizzying pornographic haze. While that's all true, it's not why I love porn. To be honest, the sex is actually the most boring part.


I mean how many times can you see one thing go into another thing and come out again and back in again and squeezed and licked and put in again over and over. Yawn. Is "Chelsea Lately" on? No, the thing I love most about porn is the set-up. The Intro. The moments before the sex ever happens.

And while I love these moments in all porn, the intros in gay porn are simply the best. Gay porn intros are some of the funniest, most nonsensical, implausible, patently ridiculous pieces of entertainment I have ever seen.

And I thought I couldn't let Gay Pride Week at the blog go by without talking about them. Why? Because it's great to celebrate the community and all that, but when it comes down to it gay people are different from straight people because of who we have sex with so let's not pretend the sex doesn't exist.

There'd be no rainbow flag if it wasn't for the sex, so let's be proud of it! (p.s. this rationale is also why I was disappointed with the reduced numbers of shirtless men at this year's NYC Pride Parade. C'mon guys! Take your shirts off for THE COMMUNITY!) Okay, so let's talk a little watch a little and I'll convince you why there should be a channel that just shows 24 hours of gay porn intros a day.

Now there are all different types of gay porn... Oh, and when I say "gay porn," I'm really referring only to male-to-male porn as most woman-to-woman porn is made for straight men and often lesbians don't watch it... Lesbians have their own porn but its not the junk I sifted through on YouTube. That was all for the titillation of straight guys, and it was really bad. Imagine two women who clearly look like they have no idea what to do nor want to do it pawing at each other like tiger cubs.

No, not hot. Some gay porn actors do have that deer in headlights look too, but most of them look like their pretty into it no matter how "straight" they want to tell people they are. That's also the reason I can't watch straight porn either. The women are always degraded in some way and look like they'd rather not have this guy touching them so much. But I'm getting off track....


Now there are all different types of gay porn, but my favorite is just your run-of-the-mill big studio produced, polished and shiny mainstream porn. No kink. No funny business. Maybe a little muscle worship. But there is certainly no one hanging from a ceiling by a harness while guys in plushy bear costumes beat him with reeds while screaming lyrics from "Hello, Dolly" in baby voices.

I guess when you're like me and you work so hard to just have regular sex with someone, you aren't really interested in dressing it up beyond vanilla.

But for today's purposes, these videos are the best because they often put the sex scenes into the context of some story, which is where the hilarity begins. These porn storylines are usually insane, way too comical, or way too serious for their own good. Take the lawyer who comes home... you know what, I can't even explain this clip below, it's that convoluted. But the acting is boffo. Enjoy!



The thing about mainstream gay porn that's so funny is that because masculinity is so revered in the porn world (feminine men rarely get to be the stars because the consumers want big strong men... I should talk, right?), they get these giant men to be the actors (there are other genres for more femme types but I'm talking mainstream here). But in reality giant men don't start suddenly making out (how great would it be if they did!?). So the porn "writer" has to find a way to connect those worlds. They have to somehow get the big beefy guy to suddenly start having sex with the other big beefy guy.

And as the story is like I said, ridiculous, they can't rely on that. Instead, you get scenes of a guy, you know, just out at a campsite enjoying his bonfire when a property owner without a shirt shows up (below)...



Or when you're just moseying along the beach, minding your own beeswax, and you run into a curious stranger (below)...



Or you are SANDING A TABLE WITHOUT A SHIRT FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER! when your buddy shows up to help (below)...



The other thing I love is the anticipation. You know what's gonna happen next. The actors clearly look like they're waiting for THE SIGNAL, yet we're gonna draw this out for a long as possible because a video of just sex scenes is tres déclassé. And it's not just a duo... or triple or quadruple partner videos...

Speaking of, I can't find a video of it clean enough, but I once saw this video where it was literally like 11 men trapped in an underground coal mine where the only thing they could think to do to save their lives was do each other! LOL X INFINITY! Anyway, the solo videos are often just as hilarious.

Slowly walking, oh you know what? I should take my shirt off. Sitting in bed... Wait, let me take this underwear off, it's awfully tight. Standing in the middle of nowhere and just happening to have a bottle of baby oil with you...



Now by my pointing this all out, understand that that in no way means I want any of it to change. Hell to the no! Stay the same, porn writers! I like my porn like I like my relationships, stupidly ridiculous and ending in a flurry of sex.

Don't make anything more believable or logical in any way. Where's the fun in that? Now because I never leave you guys empty-handed, I found this one video the YouTubes and had to share it. It is, seriously, the perfect example of everything I love about the gay porn scene intro: the nonsensical set-up, the rationalizing two guys suddenly getting together, the dialogue (!), it's so good!

I'll give you a preview: one of the actors utters the line "Hmm... Before I started delivering, I did massages. Would you like one?" Yes, it's that good...



"Great. I'd appreciate that. Let's go to the bedroom." ROTFLMAAFAEEO!! (rolling on the floor laughing my a$$ and face and everything else off).

Alright, now that you know I'm not a complete and total skeeve and that the scope of my love of personal entertainment videos goes beyond the insertion and eruption of things, I need to know if anyone else finds these moments to be little gems of entertainment. Some of these videos are funnier than "The Office," let me tell you!

But let me back it up, anyone else willing to admit they've even seen a personal entertainment video let alone possess them? And if you do, do you love these awkward pre-sex moments too?

And if both apply, which I know will be a stretch, describe the zaniest most crazy storyline you've seen from one of these sex time videos.

While gay is my favorite, if you have stories from straight videos as well, I love hearing about them too! Like the video about the alien zombie crime fighter girls who only knew one way to remove the undead spirit from a man's body...

What way was that again? Darn, I plum forgot...