Friday, May 08, 2009

Old People + Skateboarders = This Sign... To the "Hilariously Misguided Idea" Power

I think I told you guys before that I live in an old people building. Not a nursing home (not yet anyway, give it time), but it's a residential building where the average age of the tenants is 104, and that's factoring in my 23 years (stop laughing).

But I like it. I actually chose it for that reason. You see living in an old people building is wonderful. They don't make any noise unless they forgot their hearing aids and they turn the "Nightly News" up too loud.

But it doesn't matter anyway because they go to sleep at 7 PM. They are sticklers about having a clean, orderly building, which means the first sign of any bug or rodent, they have the exterminators on blast, and they're generally nice.

Plus, many live with their hot grandsons so I've got that covered and they often, very often, do hilarious things to keep the place quiet. Because if there's one thing they hate, it's racket. And if there's one thing they hate more than racket, it's skateboarders (above) making a racket, which brings us to today.

You see, the building is surrounded by miles and miles of flat concrete with steps and levels and all kinds of things that can cause bodily harm, which means that local skate kids LOVE the place. I don't mind them because they're nice kids, they never bother anyone, they just want to ride their skateboards. During the weekend.

Which is two days... Yeah, the old people that run the building's management office weren't having that even if it was just a few hours at the end of every week (I've never seen any skateboarders out Monday through Friday when school's open).

That is why someone down there fired up the typewriting box and decided to post a sign informing the kids they were no longer welcome around the building and post it EVERYWHERE THEY COULD! I stepped outside my apartment door and literally, I'm not making this up, saw the sign I'm about to show you, um, let me see... SEVEN TIMES as I made my way outside.

And the sign. Well, folks, the sign is brilliant. I saw it. Laughed and took like 800 pictures of it because it just feels like cranky old people. Like just read it in the voice of Mary Fisher's mother in "She Devil" to get the full effect.

Oh, yeah, you prolly want to see it. Here it is.

Let's break it down.

1. The fact that they spelled the word "skateboarders" with a hyphen warms my heart like Christmas morning. Oh, old people.

I love 'ya!

2. The fact that they started the sign with "LISTEN UP!!" is a kiss from Baby Jesus. I'm assuming other intro phrases considered were "Yo!", "Word!", "Check it!", and "What's up!" before being ultimately scrapped.

Also, need we mention the brilliance of putting the phrase "LISTEN UP!!"... ON A SIGN!

3. What I glean from these lines is that they would rather you not have a skateboard anywhere near the lobby. But I'm not sure. They aren't clear about it. But I understand why. Those are Thomas Kincades. Real Thomas Kincades!

4. I thought maybe they thought "skateboarders" had a hyphen but surely I thought they'd seen the word "skateboards" before.

Clearly no.

5. Kids, we really do want you to "HAVE FUN". We do. Just far far FAR away from the Thomas Kincades. Seriously.

Also, I snorted when I read this.

6. Residents, this part of the sign if for you. If any of the skate-boarders bothered to read the sign, surely they would have given up by now. Here's what we need you to do. If you see something, say something! Because they must be stopped!

Forget turf wars, will the battle between old people and skate-boarders ever end?!


Pom said...

Well something must be done about those whipper-snappers! (hyphenated for your pleasure) ;o)

westernnc said...

Well Jun-

At least your old folks can read and write. In this part of the South they don't bother with warning signs, they simply poke you with their cane, yell at you like you are deaf (pronounced deef) or wave their trusty double barrel shot gun which you are praying won't go off in their twitchy, jerky hands!

And on another note, I always wondered how you kept up with so much nightly broadcast entertainment. Now we know. You watch one program and listen to ten others through the apartment walls!

Junior said...

LOL Pom! The fact that "Whipper-snappers" wasn't in the sign is something I'm sure was a mistake that they will correct with the next sign!

And double LOL Dale! Yeah, our old people still try to pretend like they're not old, which is adorable, so there's no crotchety cane-poking going on. There's the guy on my floor actually who has to be in his 80s, who still puts on slacks and a dress shirt...

To throw his trash out in the compactor! Like it's still 1962! I keep wanting to tell him, you can just wear shorts or jogging pants, no one cares anymore, but I can't bring myself to do it!

C. Paul Keller said...

Junior! Do you read the Passive Agressive Notes blog? ( You totally could take over that place in a heartbeat...

Junior said...

OMG. Paul, this link may seriously ruin all my free time! I love it! It's so being blog rolled when I can get more time on the computer (at my parents for Mother's Day...)