So "12 Rounds" (above) tanked. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times... No one particularly wants to see a movie with John Cena where he doesn't take his shirt off. It isn't rocket science. It's a piece of cotton.
That needs to be removed. But as I'm not a 'I told you so' kind of person, I'm just gonna skip all that and get to the heart of my post. I'm proactive. I really do want to help Cena succeed because A) he's hot and B) he's really hot.
Anyway, I'd like to see that on the big screen. All that sinewy man meat. But for some reason, Cena and his handlers have yet to contact me for my script to the action feature "Shirtless Jones."
The entire script is one page long, guys! I could fax or e-mail it or if you call me, I could even dictate it over the phone. But then it hit me.
The studio execs still do not see the potential hit franchise that "Jones" could spur! They aren't picking up on the fact that these movies could generate millions for all involved. You know what they need? Another script, that's what! They need to be convinced that this idea can span movie after movie, and maybe even include more hunks from the WWE universe. Which brings us to today's script: "Pantsless Jones".
Yes, everyone, it's the sequel to "Shirtless Jones" and it is more action packed, more suspenseful, and I even included a little something for my straight guys and the lesbians, and it even has TWO SCENES! Are you ready for it?
First, here's your cast. Cena would play Shirtless Jones again. Batista (above) would play his cousin Pantsless Jones. Robert Patrick would play the Captain and Rosario Dawson, another cop. OK. Let's begin... And remember this is the ENTIRE FULL-LENGTH SCREENPLAY below!
UPDATED (4/24/09): Sam, who is my official Script Supervisor, had some wonderful edits which I think really give the screenplay that something extra. Enjoy!
"Pantsless Jones" by Junior
INT. POLICE PRECINCT OFFICE - DAY
Inside the ramshackle office of a West Philadelphia city police precinct, a group of rag tag officers gather round CAPTAIN O'FLANNERY as he begins to say a few words. Flanking the CAPTAIN are SHIRTLESS JONES and PANTSLESS JONES, both tall and striking, they are wearing tight t-shirts and slacks that do little to hide their incredibly muscular physiques. The CAPTAIN puts his hand on PANTSLESS JONES' shoulder, and raises his other hand to calm the crowd.
CAPTAIN O'FLANNERY
Alright, quiet down. I wanted to
take this time to introduce
a new Special Agent to the force.
His name is Pantsless Jones
and he's our resident crime
stopper Shirtless Jones' cousin.
Alright, quiet down. I wanted to
take this time to introduce
a new Special Agent to the force.
His name is Pantsless Jones
and he's our resident crime
stopper Shirtless Jones' cousin.
The crowd of officers begins to hoot.
CAPTAIN O'FLANNERY
(shouting)
Yes, alright, that's enough.
I'm positive that his talent
and skill will be able to stop
any bad guy in their tracks.
(shouting)
Yes, alright, that's enough.
I'm positive that his talent
and skill will be able to stop
any bad guy in their tracks.
MAN WITH A PAST
Will he be good enough to stop me?
Will he be good enough to stop me?
All eyes in the room turn to the back of the office, where standing in a corner shrouded in darkness is the MAN WITH A PAST. He begins to walk toward the crowd as Shirtless Jones stands in disgust.
SHIRTLESS JONES
What are you doing here?
The only reason you're free
is because you paid off that
crooked judge. You should rot
in prison for what you did
to those nuns.
MAN WITH A PAST
Silence, Shirtless Jones.
You always talk but so rarely
do you ever listen.
Well have I got a message...
I'm tired of you and the rest
of your cronies ruining my plans
to take over the city's nursery
schools to build my baby army,
and I'm putting a stop to
you once and for all.
SHIRTLESS JONES
What are you talking about?
MAN WITH A PAST
Haven't you guessed, Shirtless Jones?
I'm talking about a bomb, on the roof
of this building that will blow you
all to smithereens if you continue
to interfere.
SHIRTLESS JONES
Not only will I dismantle
that bomb, but I'll personally
send you back to prison
for the rest of your life.
MAN WITH A PAST
(laughing)
Really, Shirtless Jones?
Well, you'll have to catch me first.
PANTSLESS JONES
(shouting)
He's heading to the roof!
What are you doing here?
The only reason you're free
is because you paid off that
crooked judge. You should rot
in prison for what you did
to those nuns.
MAN WITH A PAST
Silence, Shirtless Jones.
You always talk but so rarely
do you ever listen.
Well have I got a message...
I'm tired of you and the rest
of your cronies ruining my plans
to take over the city's nursery
schools to build my baby army,
and I'm putting a stop to
you once and for all.
SHIRTLESS JONES
What are you talking about?
MAN WITH A PAST
Haven't you guessed, Shirtless Jones?
I'm talking about a bomb, on the roof
of this building that will blow you
all to smithereens if you continue
to interfere.
SHIRTLESS JONES
Not only will I dismantle
that bomb, but I'll personally
send you back to prison
for the rest of your life.
MAN WITH A PAST
(laughing)
Really, Shirtless Jones?
Well, you'll have to catch me first.
PANTSLESS JONES
(shouting)
He's heading to the roof!
The MAN WITH A PAST runs to the stairwell and the crowd begins to erupt in activity. Captain O'Flannery stands on a chair.
CAPTAIN O'FLANNERY
Everyone, remain calm.
Stay here, where you'll be safe.
There's nothing to worry about.
The Jones boys are on the case.
We'll all be back soon.
Everyone, remain calm.
Stay here, where you'll be safe.
There's nothing to worry about.
The Jones boys are on the case.
We'll all be back soon.
Captain O'Flannery, Shirtless Jones, and Pantsless Jones all head toward the stairwell until they hear the voice of OFFICER ANASTASIA RODRIGUEZ, a beautiful young female officer from a bad neighborhood whose seen things, but she still has a heart of gold.
[Script Supervisor Sam's Edit: Because she's working the undercover vice squad later that evening, Officer Rodriguez is wearing thigh-high stiletto boots and a pair of hot pants with her badge pinned to her shirt and her hair in a bun, because she's a lady.]
OFFICER RODRIGUEZ
I want to help.
I want to help.
Shirtless Jones walks over to her.
SHIRTLESS JONES
Anastasia... I mean Officer
Rodriguez, it's too dangerous.
You're not ready.
Anastasia... I mean Officer
Rodriguez, it's too dangerous.
You're not ready.
Anastasia undoes her hair pin letting her cascading mane of lustrous hair run down her back. She shakes it all loose.
OFFICER RODRIGUEZ
You're wrong.
I am ready... For anything.
You're wrong.
I am ready... For anything.
SHIRTLESS JONES
Fine. You take the front roof
entrance and we'll take the back.
Fine. You take the front roof
entrance and we'll take the back.
The four begin up the stairs to the roof.
EXT. POLICE PRECINCT ROOF - DAY
Captain O'Flannery, Pantsless Jones, and Shirtless Jones run up to the precinct roof dotted with water towers and cable switch boxes. They look around feverishly.
CAPTAIN O'FLANNERY
Do you see anyone?
Do you see anyone?
SHIRTLESS JONES
Where's Anastasia?
Where's Anastasia?
PANTSLESS JONES
Don't worry, we'll check
the perimeter.
Don't worry, we'll check
the perimeter.
As Pantsless Jones and Captain O'Flannery run off, the Man with a Past jumps from behind a water tower and strangles Shirtless Jones with a shoelace. But with a punch and a kick, Shirtless Jones frees himself and knocks the MAN to the ground. Jones stands over him.
SHIRTLESS JONES
(shouting)
Where's the bomb?
(shouting)
Where's the bomb?
MAN WITH A PAST
Stupid, stupid man. There is
no bomb. I just wanted to lure
you here to kill you. And
you've foiled my plans again.
But it looks like I'll be
the real victor as you have
nothing to tie me up with
and once I regain my strength
I'll be able to escape from you.
Stupid, stupid man. There is
no bomb. I just wanted to lure
you here to kill you. And
you've foiled my plans again.
But it looks like I'll be
the real victor as you have
nothing to tie me up with
and once I regain my strength
I'll be able to escape from you.
SHIRTLESS JONES
Not so fast. I have an idea.
Not so fast. I have an idea.
Slowly, Shirtless Jones begins to remove his shirt, revealing his beefy chest, six-pack abs, rounded back, and swollen arms.
[Script Supervisor Sam's Edit: A THUNDERCLAP is heard and it begins to rain, however, the rain is contained to the part of the roof where Shirtless Jones stands. The rain water all over his body gives him trouble taking his shirt off, which causes him to rub the water all over his chest and abs in an effort to get the shirt off.]
The camera pans his torso for 45 minutes. Shirtless Jones eventually takes his t-shirt and ties the wrists of the weak Man with a Past.
SHIRTLESS JONES
You won't be going anywhere now.
You won't be going anywhere now.
MAN WITH A PAST
Boy, you take a long time
to take off your shirt.
(Pause)
Oh, and you've foiled me again.
Boy, you take a long time
to take off your shirt.
(Pause)
Oh, and you've foiled me again.
In the distance, Shirtless Jones hears a SCREAM and runs over to Pantsless Jones and Captain O'Flannery who are peering off the edge of the roof where below Officer Gonzales is dangling from a window ledge.
CAPTAIN O'FLANNERY
Where have you been, Shirtless Jones?
And where is your shirt?
Where have you been, Shirtless Jones?
And where is your shirt?
SHIRTLESS JONES
I used it to tie that criminal up.
And guess what, there's no bomb.
Anastasia, what happened?
I used it to tie that criminal up.
And guess what, there's no bomb.
Anastasia, what happened?
OFFICER GONZALES
I got to the roof first and we fought.
I got too close to the edge and he
pushed me. Luckily, I grabbed hold
of this conveniently placed window
ledge as I fell, but I'm slipping!
I can't pull myself up!
I got to the roof first and we fought.
I got too close to the edge and he
pushed me. Luckily, I grabbed hold
of this conveniently placed window
ledge as I fell, but I'm slipping!
I can't pull myself up!
PANTSLESS JONES
(shouting)
Hold on!
(shouting)
Hold on!
CAPTAIN O'FLANNERY
I'll get some rope.
I'll get some rope.
Captain O'Flannery runs off and returns with a length of rope. He begins to lower it to Officer Gonzales over the roof's edge. The rope grazes the tips of Officer Gonzales' fingers but isn't long enough for her to reach to grab hold and pull herself up.
SHIRTLESS JONES
What are we going to do?
The rope isn't long enough.
What are we going to do?
The rope isn't long enough.
PANTSLESS JONES
Give it to me. I have an idea.
Give it to me. I have an idea.
Slowly, Pantsless Jones takes off his pants revealing his tight quads, the striations in his hamstrings and his rock hard calves. The camera pans his lower half for 45 minutes. Afterward, Pantsless Jones ties his pants to the end of the rope and lowers it to Officer Gonzales, who grabs a hold and the three men pull her back up to the roof for safety.
Once on the roof, Officer Gonzales wraps her arms around Pantsless Jones and begins to get teary eyed.
OFFICER GONZALES
You saved my life, Pantsless Jones.
As a capable woman of the law,
who's seen things that would tear
any normal man down, who's been places
no one should ever go, I rarely need
rescuing. But I'm glad you were there.
There, to save me from death...
And from myself.
You saved my life, Pantsless Jones.
As a capable woman of the law,
who's seen things that would tear
any normal man down, who's been places
no one should ever go, I rarely need
rescuing. But I'm glad you were there.
There, to save me from death...
And from myself.
PANTSLESS JONES
Don't cry. Here, wipe your eyes.
Don't cry. Here, wipe your eyes.
Pantsless Jones removes his shirt and dabs the tears off her cheeks with it. She takes it in her hand gazing at Pantsless Jones. Captain O'Flannery glances at the Shirtless Jones and then Pantsless Jones.
CAPTAIN O'FLANNERY
With you Jones boys here,
I'm suddenly starting to
feel like I'm overdressed.
With you Jones boys here,
I'm suddenly starting to
feel like I'm overdressed.
They all laugh in unison.
FADE OUT.
THE END.
It's got action, suspense, romance, a twist ending!
What more could the studio execs want! I'll even give them a movie poster tagline:"He takes his pants off one bad guy at a time."
This is quality people! Now, if "Pantsless Jones" were in theaters would you see it? Which do you prefer, Shirtless Jones' top half or Pantsless Jones' bottom? And what about the movie's sequel "Pantsless Jones 2: Pants Off With a Vengeance"?
Oh and lest you think there isn't one, the original has another sequel too: "Shirtless Jones 2: Shirts Vs. Skins". People, I could do this all day!
8 comments:
Brilliant. Is that Oscar buzz I hear? Could I make a tiny suggestion, which is totally gilding the lily, but here goes: When Shirtless Jones takes his shirt off, it starts raining, at least on him, and he slowly runs his huge hands over his rock-hard abs and mountainous pecks, dripping with wetness (him, not me).
Also, what do you think about this: Anastasia just happens to be dressed like an undercover prostitute in hot pants and stiletto thigh-highs?
Have you ever had one of those years (…er, days? …No, years) when nothing seems to be going right and it seems like all you ever receive day after day is bad news? And you get so use to feeling like crap that you begin to wonder if you’ll ever be able to smile or laugh again? Well that’s been me lately, stuck in this defeated catatonic state.
But then along comes another script from you, Junior, which actually makes me laugh again. Out loud, no less.
Kudos to you for integrating “cronies”, “nuns”, and a “baby army” into this work of art. This is a series for which I’d want to own the collector’s edition box set… you know, so I could watch it repeatedly in the privacy of my own home.
Please don’t judge me as I sit here and openly weep.
Yes, you and Robert Patrick make me cry the ugly cry.
PS – Anastasia as the undercover hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold? Classic.
Junior...once again your brilliance is beyond anything I can possibly match. They say the sequels are pale imitators of the originals. But in this case, i think the sequel surpasses the original.
I think that the next sequel should be exploring the "man with the past" angle. He turns out to be Wristguard Wallace, brother to Shirtless Jones who was given away at birth for adoption because their poor single mother had to make a choice. He is bitter and out for revenge. Will pantless Jones be able to unite the two brothers?
In my mind, he will be played by Chris Jericho. We can call it "Brothers of Justice" or something. Oooh..and plot twist. My favourite DILF Robert Patrick, who plays captain...turns out to be the father of both...but that's not revealed until the fourth sequel.
You sir have a brilliance. You do so!
SO they are like... gulp... hot brothers in the movie?
Oh man, I think my antiperspirant just failed me.
I feel this story
Great! I'm so glad you guys enjoyed it! I really worked hard on it, building character arcs and thinking a lot about motivation and plotting...
Hi Sam! OMG! How did I not think of those fabulous ideas! I'm so gonna edit the screenplay, but don't worry, you'll get the credit as you have officially become my script supervisor!
Hi joanna! I'm so glad it made you laugh. Can I just tell you, your comment is seriously the reason that I do this. I know what you mean. There is so much stuff, so much negative crap all around and sometimes you feel like you're gonna drown so if my irrational obsession with John Cena can give you a chuckle then it's worth it!
Ooh, thank you Dani! I think the next one will def work the "Man with a past" angle. We're gonna learn just what that past is all about and how it's related to the Jones Boys, definitely...
Hi ermine! No, they're hot cousins which is even better because you have kinda have a three-way and it's not 100% incesty!
LOL Wonder Man, glad you enjoyed it!
I would pay twice to see it, and buy the DVD.
Yeah, thanks Allan!
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