So banner man (cover boy? blog mascot?) or the man who has replaced LL Cool J as the Man I Most Want to Have Lay On Top of Me for a Half an Hour, John Cena has a new movie coming out next Friday called "12 Rounds." Yeah, I don't care either, other than for my obligatory gazing at Cena's, um, face and body.
So let me get my popcorn and "personal skin conditioner" out here while I sit back and enjoy his glory in the trailer (below)...
Riiiiiiiiiiiiight? About that trailer... Um...
WHAT THE F#CK!? WHERE IS MY COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY SHIRTLESS JOHN CENA SHOT!? I JUST SPENT TWO WHOLE MINUTES OF MY LIFE WATCHING A BEAUTIFUL TORSO BEING CRIMINALLY RESTRAINED BY NOT ONE, BUT TWO SHIRTS!!!!
I COULDN'T EVEN GET A GOOD BICEP SHOT!! NOTHING! CAN A B!TCH GET A BICEP!? CAN A B!TCH GET A BICEP!? *Dissolves into tears*
Okay, we have to discuss this.
I know Cena wants to be taken seriously as an actor... Yeah, I couldn't type that without laughing either. Um, but even Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (left) who is kind of an actor after wrestling, had the good sense to do a movie where he appeared shirtless for 98% of his time on-screen!
(p.s. I saw "The Scorpion King" in theaters. Don't look at me like that.)
It's just what you do to appease your fans. You take off your shirt. Do it!
And while Cena's first movie "The Marine" did feature some good Army gear and tight t-shirts that showed off his arms *slight drool*, to completely cover up for your next role is just... not... right!
Especially when the viewing public could be getting all up in this...
The word you're looking for is H-O-T-D-A-M-N.
Luckily, it's not to late to make it up, Mr. Cena in My Dreams! Just for your next movie, you'll have to take off your shirt more. And because I care, I've decided to help you out by writing the entire screenplay for that next movie so you don't have to do any script reading or nothing. The ENTIRE script is below.
The movie's called "Shirtless Jones" and Mr. Cena, you would play Shirtless Jones. I hope you like it! I spent a lot of time on it!
FADE IN.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT
A DARK SHADOWY FIGURE sits in a steel chair in an empty room deep in the bowels of a West Philadelphia city precinct. A faint SIREN is heard as the FIGURE is revealed to be a MAN WITH A PAST. He slowly lights a cigarette, the stream of smoke illuminated by the glow of city lights pouring in from a lone window.
Before the MAN WITH A PAST can take a puff, the door behind him creaks open and in saunters SHIRTLESS JONES, impossibly muscled and sweaty wearing a t-shirt and frayed Army shorts. The MAN twists in his chair as if he expected JONES' arrival. JONES mops his wet brow and switches on the overhead lights.
Can't smoke in here.
It's hot enough as it is.
MAN WITH A PAST
(putting out cigarette)
Took you long enough, Shirtless Jones.
What? The heat wave slow you down?
SHIRTLESS JONES
Please. I could have chased you 'round
the city for another 16 hours if it
meant saving those nuns.
(Pause)
But you've made me all sweaty.
Mind if I remove my wet shirt?
MAN WITH A PAST
By all means, Shirtless Jones.
Slowly, Shirtless Jones peels his t-shirt up over his head and chucks it to the floor. The camera pans Shirtless Jones' hard sweaty body for an hour and 45 minutes.
FADE OUT.
THE END.
The tagline? "He'd give you the shirt off his back. If he had one."
I smell a blockbuster! What do you think? Is Cena not utilizing his best asset in "12 Rounds"? If I directed "Shirtless Jones" how many takes do you think I'd need to get it right? And how long would my private rehearsal time be? And who would be interested in the sequel: "Pantsless Jones" starring Batista?
11 comments:
I LOVE MEN!!!! However, I just want Johnnie boy here to hold me ever so tenderly in his arms and whisper words that reveal his total devotion to me.
Yes, his body is hot. Yes, he has the man parts I love so much. All is want to experience is that space within his inner being that is unique and his source of love.
Don't we all, Allan. Don't we all...
Junior. Junior. Oh Junior. This was single handedly the funniest thing I have read in a very long time. I was literally laughing so hard that I had to GET UP and leave the room because I could not stop laughing. I had tears in my eyes and snot coming out of the nose. And just when I thought I could breathe again, I came back into the room, sat down, looked at the screen, and started laughing hysterically again. I am SO going to send a link to this blog to Joanne, another wrestling fan. Pantless Jones with Batista?
SOLID GOLD baby. Solid freaking gold.
Back to my make believe boyfriend - just make him Shirtless Jones! John - Shirtless Jones - Cena! I will die a happy man . . . .
Oh, and Junior, while you are at it, could you have Shirtless make an appearance in a couple of magazines? Muscle Men maybe and Mandate? I think circulation would triple. No reason you shouldn't have a little piece of the action.
OH! And Junior -
I just came up with a new exercise routine. Instead of those worthless boring bench presses, I'm gonna have John lay himself down on top of me and then I'll push him up and down.
I think I could stick to that routine . . . .
ah
umm
could the sequel maybe star BOTH John and Batista?
and maybe, just maybe
could I be your new assistant . . . ?
Thanks Dani! Just for that compliment, you know how every movie set has that person who sprays the fake sweat on the actors. Well, I'm so saving that job for you!
You know, after I've warmed Cena up during my private rehearsal time in which we go over Shirtless Jones' motivation and his intricate back story.
Dale! You are too much! I think I'll put you in charge of promoting the film. This will mean long hours with Cena at photo shoots and of course you'll have to get him ready for those shoots by supervising his workouts.
And if that means hours and hours of your patented Cena bench presses than who am I to stop you?
Oh and "Pantsless Jones" would have to star them both because Shirtless Jones would have to introduce Pantsless Jones into the police department when a psychotic criminal would burst into the precinct with a gun and the only way to stop him would be ripping Pantsless Jones' pants off and tying up the perp.
Shirtless Jones would naturally remove his shirt to tie up the legs. It's a whole series of films, like "Die Hard"...
Ah, Junior. As Dani can attest, I, too, have a certain fondness for John Cena. Especially in camo.
Actually, I have a fondness for all men in camo... hence my husband.
Speaking of which, you know what else made The Marine that much more enjoyable for me? The presence of Robert Patrick.
Sure, he's almost (but not quite) twice my age. Sure, he's not as pretty as John Cena. And sure, he seems to be typecast as the father figure type or as the stoic colonel with balls of steel.
But it's exactly for these reasons that I think he should make a cameo appearance in your film as the all-knowing Chief of Police.
Frankly, I would gladly take orders from that man. In The Marine or anywhere else. Ahem.
Just the thought of seeing him reunited on the big screen with John Cena is enough to make me squeal like a school girl again.
And Dani, too. I know she's nodding in agreement just thinking about the rugged older man. :D
Hi joanna, that is a fantastic idea! Because I do want the film to have some shot at the Oscars and Robert Patrick could totally get a Best Supporting nod when I include that monologue about how the Captain saw he partner killed in the line of duty. Of course, Shirtless Jones would then take off his shirt to dry his tears...
I'm on it!
I want to be in the sequel and the prequel
Alright everyone, this cast and crew is growing by the minute but Wonder Man gets to be the upstart young cop who doesn't think Shirtless Jones can free the nuns before the explosion but of course all Jones has to do is remove his shirt and get into the action...
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