Juice with Junior

"You betta wurk! COVERGIRL! Work it girl! Do that twirl!... Do your thing, on the runway... WURK! Supermodel... Oh sorry, I didn't see you there... Why hello, and welcome to my first ever recap of the fabulous drag queen competition show "RuPaul's Drag Race" on Logo!

With 5 votes (more than any other show!), you guys chose "RuPaul's Drag Race" as the show you wanted me to recap... which is something I've been trying to sit down and do for the past three days! But like any good drag queen will tell you, you never come to the stage until your sh!t is looking perfect!

Alright, four episodes have already passed so we have to move quickly to cover everything. But first, some basics.

First, RuPaul (right) is fierce.

Second, like my "Project Runway" recaps, I'll be recapping all the action for every two episodes (they air Mondays at 10 PM) in one recap (this recap covers episodes 1 and 2; episodes 3 and 4 will be recapped later in the week). Expect recaps either Wednesday or Thursday depending on when I can dislodge the glitter that builds in my mouth every time I watch this show. Seriously, it's that good...

Thirdly, I have thought long and hard (hehe) about the fact that I know a lot of you guys out there don't get Logo at all. My parents in Pennsylvania don't even get it and they live an hour out of NYC. That's why I need you to head to the video page and click on anything and tell me if you can or can't see it.

Because that's where you can watch full episodes of the show, which will give you everything you need to enjoy my recaps. I'll try to make them funny without you having to watch the show but I'm not promising anything.


Alright, now as you prolly guessed, "RuPau's Drag Race" is a reality competition show that pits aspiring drag queens and drag princesses against each other as they try to become America's newest drag star, much like Madame Ru herself. Clearly, this makes it the best show on TV right now.

Let's meet the contesties in the order of how I want...


Ongina (above) is 26 years of FABULOUS! I know we haven't started recapping yet but I'm letting you know now that Ongina is my fave and if she doesn't win, I'll be A) peeeved and B) writing Logo to make sure she has her own show.

Trust me, you will fall in love too...


Nina Flowers (above) is 34 and she is like a hybrid drag queen who works her maleness sometimes for a more raw edge or can go ultra femme if necessary. Consult Acid Betty from that "Project Runway" episode where they designed for drag queens for reference...


Also, Nina is Puerto Rican and her accent is deeeellicious. It reminds me of Agador (above) in "The Birdcage," remember him? "Jeess, it's sludge, I thought it'd make a nice change from coffee." How could you ever forget?


Next is Bebe (above) who is from Africa, is 28 years old, and is the one whom I most want to be the personal assistant for. Can you imagine holding her Louis Vuitton make-up case as the two of us "jaunt." I know, right?!


Now I'm grouping Jade (25; left) and Rebecca Glasscock (28; right) together because for the longest time, I couldn't tell the two of them apart. I know that sounds awful... What just because they're both Latin and young and pretty, they are interchangeable. Well, no, it's just that I still have trouble telling the two of them apart.

I know, it's awful...

The only thing that helps distinguish them is Rebecca's supposedly real nose.


Tammie Brown (above) is 26 and she channels old-Hollywood glamour like Joan Crawford or Bette Davis, which so needed in this crop of dragnistas.


Shannel (above) is 29 and has a show in Las Vegas which tells you everything you need to know. I suspect that at some point in time Shannel pushed some rival queen down a flight of stairs a la "Showgirls" to get her big break.

Who wants to bet?


Akashia (above) is 24 and is a hot mess. That is all.


Last but certainly not least is Victoria Parker who at 39 is the oldest (I guess in drag years?) and has lived the most honey child. But we're loving her Lots-to-Loveness and living legendeness status among the girls!

Alright, those are the girls and we have to get busy, we have two shows to recap and another one comes on TONIGHT!!! OMG. I'm starting to get an idea of how fast a drag year is! Okay, so in the First Episode (you can catch the whole episode here), I notice some things immediately.

First of all, the show is filmed in what I like to call Lifetime-o-Vision!


Seriously, there is so much Vaseline and so many filters on the camera that I'm surprised we can still see images on the screen. I don't know why too when RuPaul still looks fabulous! Not a day over zygote! Secondly, can we talk about these prizes! They are SO MUCH BETTER than what I thought they'd be. To be honest, I thought the prizes would be a coupon for a Raquel Welch Wig and a spot near the back of the West Village Halloween parade.

But the actual prizes are so much better.

The winner gets the title of course (what that title is I'm not sure, but we're talking drag queens here so it's gotta be fierce), a headlining spot on a gay tour across the country, a spread in Paper Magazine, an ad taken for a (national?) eyewear campaign, and CASH baby! $20,000! What?! I've never done drag before but can I sign up? Hello?

Okay, so the first eppy starts with the girls meeting and sniffing each other out (literally, Shannel and Akashia showed up with their bootaytays hanging out all free and wild), and right away we're introduced to RuPaul Charles, RuPaul outta drag who acts as like a Tim Gunn mentor for the ladies.

And although Ru hasn't been on TV for 10 years (Neone else used to watch "The RuPaul Show" before going to bed? With Michelle Visage? Anyone?), he's just as comfortable as ever.

So he tells the ladies not to get comfy. Someone is here to take them to their first photo shoot. And that someone is hubba hubbba hubbbbba Sunday Swooner Mike Ruiz (below)! Cue ladies getting the vapors...



Okay, the girls head outside to what looks like the back parking lot of an Odd-Lot Outlet and who is waiting for them but two muscle bound, scantily clad Beautiful Black Men (below) holding hoses (no, actual hoses) and buckets of soapy water.

Oh, I think there was a car there too.


Now Mike begins yelling at the girls to show him sexy with the models and the car and some girls get into it...


...While others literally orgasm on the car...


Thankfully, they had the buckets with soap and water. After the gratuity is over (I'm not complaining), the girls are fuming because their make-up and clothes are all ruined. Luckily for us, we get to see the girls out of their drag looks. Nina is HOTTT and very biker: all tats and muscle tees. Jade is exceedingly pretty... Wait, hold the phone. I wanted to discuss this.

How come 80% of drag queens and like 97% of Trans people I see are INCREDIBLY HOT as both genders! Seriously! I'm a bisexual (me and Tila [left] holding down the fort) and my brain gets all kinds of confused seeing someone hot as a boy and a girl!!! It's not fair!!! I'm just trying to be hot as a boy and failing miserably!!!

Anyway, aside from Nina, everyone outta drag pretty much looks like they do in drag except 10% less fabulous (sorry for all the percentages, I won't get Square One up in here)... Okay, because we have another episode to get to, here's the long and short of it.

The girls had to make outfits out of cheap things found at the Odd-Lot Outlet they were just at and then the show morphed from "America's Next Top Model" to "Project Runway," which made me miss "Project Runway" a lot! In the end, the judges agreed that Nina's outfit (below)...


...Was the best and I agreed with them. Oh, speaking of judges, the only one of note (sorry random journalist/friend of RuPaul) is "Runway" alum Santino Rice (below), who I'm calling it first, IS TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH RUPAUL! Just look at the way he looks at her when she shows up to the judging panel...


...That's real and it's changing Santino's whole world. We'll revisit this development in the future as I'm sure more will come of it.

Okay, after Nina is named the winnah, Akashia and Victoria are placed in the bottom two after Victoria's outfit (below) looks like she was rolled in glue and ran around like a crazy person inside the Odd-Lot Outlet letting whatever stick to her. Not cute.


Now instead of just voting someone off, this is a DRAG QUEEN SHOW! Everything must be fab! So the way Ru decides who to get rid of is to have the two in the bottom "lip synch... FOR YOUR LIVES!" Oh, I forgot, Ru is a literal dictionary of hilarious catch phrases: "Don't f#ck it up," "Gentlemen, start your engines," "Charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent" (what do the first letters of those words spell? Try again. There you go!).

So Akashia and Victoria have to lip synch to "a song that's currently paying the mortgages on homes across the country" as Ru puts it "Supermodel (You Betta Work)" and Akashia gives it her all and Victoria goes home.

BYE VICTORIA!!!

At least you got to rub up on some real fine mens for a minute.

Episode Two (which you can watch here) was a little less eventful but because this is "Drag Race" it was still amazing...


So the girls had to split up into rival girl groups and do the thing that every reality show does at some point in time: put people in groups and tell them to "shine" at the same time. It's so stupid every single time, but it always happens.


After a impromptu photo shoot, Ongina and Akashia (above left to right) were picked as the Diana Rosses of their groups, which automatically meant that we knew Ongina was gonna win because she is so amazing.

Also, because Akashia decided to "play the b!tch role" like Jade said, we knew there was no way she could win. Okay, as I said, this episode was not as exciting but it was as informative because it showed how much knowledge about make-up and sewing drag queens have to have. I have a new respect.

Skipping forward.


This episode was great because the rival girl groups had to lip synch to the music of Destiny's Child and the guest judge was actually a Destiny's Child herself, Michelle Williams (above)! Now I don't know about you, but I love Michelle Williams for one reason and one reason only...



...Her 12-second section in "Lose My Breath" (starts at 2:18 in the above video). If you can't make me say ooooh, like the beat of this drrruuuum. Why you ask for some, if you don't really want none...

Anyway, the introductions really ate into my episode comment space so all I'll say is that obvises Ongina's team (above with Nina, Shannel, and Rebecca) was more organized and performed better and they won the challenge!

Akashia's team imploded in on itself and during their performance, the unthinkable happened!


TAMMIE HAD A NIP SLIP (above)!

Clearly, she was a goner from that moment on, which is sad because I liked her style. Regardless, she and Akashia ended up in the bottom two and had to sing for their lives to Michelle's "We Break the Dawn."

While Tammie gave up (she said "I told myself I wouldn't perform this song" like she had such a personal objection to breaking the dawn...), Akashia performed her heart out and even made Ms. Williams cry (below)...


...Which I thought was sweet. Oh, and BYE TAMMIE! It was nice while it lasted. But you can't get past a nip slip... And before we go, how much in love was Santino (below) with Ru this episode?


Alright, the recaps were a little short because we had a lot of intro crap to cover but now that that's all done expect my second recap (eppys 3 and 4, 'member?) to have more stuff you can really sink your teeth into! See you later this week for more!


Toodles til later! Remember, don't f#ck it up!