Juice with Junior

Okay, this has nothing to do with the topic, I just wanted to say that last week, I told myself "Self, you're doing too many lists on the blog. You need to do more essays where you talk about your opinions." Now, this week, I'm like "I've already done two essays! Now I'm doing another one! It's too much!"

Well, don't worry, I'm gonna bring you some more list action tomorrow. Tonight, we have to talk about football because it seems to be that time of year again when it become all the rage and the hate I feel for this American pastimes grows to a fever pitch (notice how I used two baseball references in that sentence. God, I hate football!)

Alright, let's talk for reals about this...

The Super Bowl is this Sunday all day I think.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are playing some other team I don't care about because I only root for the team that's closest to New York. And like every year, peeps have Super Bowl Fever!

All the commercials are 'bout the game, getting a big TV, chips and dip, and the commercials that they are charging millions to show on NBC. Even "The Office" is having a supersized show after it to capitalize on the viewers. It's like the Super Bowl, and American football itself, is this self-sufficient entity that just keeps chugging along stealing people's time and money and I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: AMERICAN FOOTBALL IS THE MOST STUPIDEST SPORT EVER MADE! Why will no one listen to me?!

Alright, you think I'm exaggerating about this. Here is a clip I found of the fourth quarter of last year's Super Bowl, so this is supposed to be the most exciting time of the most exiting game, agreed? Alright, now watch the clip.




WHAT THE F#CK IS THIS GAME! WHAT?!

Every single time I'm at home, I walk into the den and see my father watching football and every single time all I see is a bunch of people walking around, yelling at each other, and then when they finally get up to do something, they look like a bunch of hamsters in a maze, something happens, and then it stops again.

And I remember, one time I asked my dad "Why are they stopping?"

"Because they're reviewing the play" he replies.

(Btw, my father does bear a striking resemblance to Denzel Washington (right), and it's not a tooting his horn kind of thing. He really does look like him.)

"Why is it taking so long?"

"They're reviewing the play."

"Why is it taking so long?"

This went on a few more times before I finally gave up and said "OK" and went to the kitchen. Seriously, this is not a game. This is not a sport. It's a series of events given a point structure mutually agreed upon by a bunch of idiots.


It doesn't make any sense to me why this game is so popular!

And I used to think it was because I didn't like any sports. I was actually gonna do a post about all sports when I realized I like other sports. I think hockey takes a lot of skill. Tennis is a favorite. My dad played basketball for years so I totally understand the quality of that game. While I think baseball is a little antiquated, I still appreciate it.

But football? Ugh city!

And I know the rules. I did a post last year when I kinda joked about the rules but I do know them. And they're stupid. Yards? Really? What are we landscape architects over here? Most all sports use points because IT FREAKIN' MAKES MORE SENSE! And while we're at it, what's with these uniforms? They're all over the place...

These players wear more padding that soldiers going into battle and yet researchers still discover that longtime football playing can cause progressive brain damage. People, it can cause brain damage WITH THE PADDING! Because this game is f#cking dangerous and shouldn't be played anymore.

Especially when the lesser known players barely get healthcare. And my last complaint about this completely ridiculous game that I've spent way too long talking about. Football is filled with some of the hottest men! And you can barely see them!

I mean really, the one asset this stupid sport has is that it is filled with my favorite kind of man: gigantic and muscular with a slight case of progressive brain damage.

And then they don't even show off the goods! I hate football!

Take player Patrick Kerney (below) for example...


Look at this man! Wouldn't it be so much better if he was completely nude? Wouldn't you watch every game? It's like they don't even care!

But go ahead, watch your Super Bowl, but don't tell me anything about it and don't ask me my opinion. Unless they've replaced the Super Bowl with a championship game between Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal.

Then I'm there. And my money's on Nadal.