Thing I Don't... Need to See When I've Finished Eating an Entire Bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, For Reals...
Don't worry. I haven't been eating the deeeelicious Cool Ranch Doritos while I've been sick.
I actually haven't eaten much of anything as my taste buds have shut off, but this happened last week and I wanted to point it out because laughing at my plight is sooo much easier than dealing with it.
So last week, I sat down at my desk, loaded up "30 Rock" on the Hulus, and opened up a bag of the aforementioned slices of heaven and proceeded to eat all of its contents in one sitting.
I did this despite how the sound of my incessant crunching was reverberating throughout the entire office, kind of like how the web of saturated fat in my beloved chips was invariably clinging to my thighs. I didn't care. It was time for some Cool Ranch and when it's time for some Cool Ranch nothing gets in my way. And when I say "nothing," I mean nothing!
Okay, so when the feeding was over, for some reason I nonchalantly flipped over the bag, which is odd for me because it may mean I come in contact with the Nutritional Facts, and that is information that I just don't need to see. Instead, this is what I saw.
My cell phone camera didn't do the best job but if you follow the red arrows, you'll see that I saw a little human interest feature called "Doritos Recognizes Those Who Do Something." Today's profile was about a 16-year-old boy from New York named Avery who started a non-profit called relightNY whose aim is to educate people about protecting the environment by having companies replace regular light bulbs with energy-saving CFL bulbs.
That's truly wonderful.
I'm so gonna replace all my bulbs. But then the bad me had a thought...
"This kid is 16 years old and he started an organization working to save the environment. You're 10 years older and what have you done...?"
I've finished an entire bag of Cool Ranch Doritos in less than 20 minutes.
Some of you may be like, "But Junior, I'm sure Avery eats Doritos too." And you may be right, but 16-year-old Avery eats Doritos and saves the planet. 2#%#%-year-old me eats Doritos and... gets fat. Someone is clearly winning the game of life here (HINT: It's not me...)
This is why I don't need to see things like this when I've finished an entire bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. Only two things made me feel better...
NO CHOLESTEROL!!
AND 15% OF A DAY'S SERVING OF VITAMIN E!!!
IT'S PRACTICALLY HEALTH FOOD!
MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH *COUGH* MUNCH MUNCH...
11 comments:
I love how your pic of the Doritos bag obscures the calorie count. Nobody needs to see that, especially after eating an entire bag. I also love how Doritos recognizes people who "do something." It's like they know their audience. "All right, fat ass, we know you're feeling guilty about eating an entire bag of Doritos without moving anything other than your arm and jaw. Now, act on that self-loathing and try to actually do something with your life. Give a light bulb to a homeless person. Then you can eat another bag of Doritos as a reward."
Sam! I'm LOLing despite the fact that I think I'm included in that "fat ass" group you mentioned! But it's so true, they are like "maybe if you see someone younger who's more put together, you'll put the chips down and DO ANYTHING!"
I need to switch to Baked Lays solely from now on...
I'm so horrified! I didn't mean to imply that you're a fat ass. I'm sure you've got a totally hot ass. I was trying to comment more on how people (like me) feel after eating a bag of something like doritos. Sorry.
No Sam, it's cool! I'm totally a fat ass, and you can call me that! I don't mind! It's a badge of honor as far as I'm concerned. Every dimply pucker is a reminder of how good a McFlurry tastes after a hard day at work...
No seriously me going to the gym is SO GONNA HAPPEN in the New Year. This needs to stop! And by "this" I mean "fat" and by "stop" I mean "turn into sinewy hotness"!
I find it almost snotty in it tone to the eaters. Those who DO SOMETHING. As opposed to the absolute nothingness of everyone else. I say who the hell does that bag think it is! I know judgment when I see it.
On another note. I just noticed it's the (ahem) small 99 cent bag. Here I was reading to the end thinking it was the full sized weekend bag. And thinking , man he loves those chips as much as I do. And why does the image of you smacking on chips at work seems so endearing?
Hi ermine! Thanks, I think the idea of me eating at my desk is better than the reality which looks like a horse at a trough! It was the 99 cent bag but I literally inhaled it!
And the big bag is totally the weekend bag! I've been known to finish one over a weekend too!
OK, Ermine's comment about the snotty tone, that's what I was trying to say, thought not as artfully. Just in case I haven't apologized enough.
It's ok to have a fat ass. Because then you have something to shake. Woot.
XO ~Dani.
LOL! Sam, it's OK! I take ABSOLUTELY NO OFFENSE to being called a fat ass... well, by you because I knew that you didn't really mean it and that you were trying to make a point.
And Dani (hi!) is right, having a fat ass is good when you want to shake something! (However, I would like to slim down the rest of me too).
I agree. I would love to havea J-Lo type body where I have a booty but a fab body...and if I could do that eating doritos and poutine, then life would be good.
You are so right Dani, life would be good if I could eat Doritos and direct the fat to my ass to make it rounder and more supple but the rest of me stayed ripped! I'm off to talk to someone at Frito Lay!
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