Juice with Junior

This is the Amazon Kindle (left).

I'm not sure if you've ever seen it before, but chances are that if you've ever logged onto Amazon's homepage just to see how much that U2 CD you wanted costs (it's 13.98 btw), you've seen ads for the Kindle in your face like Steve Guttenberg in front of the paparazzi.

(p.s. Gutte, you were cute on "Dancing with the Stars," but now it's over. Go away.)

For the purposes of this post, I'll pretend you don't know what the hell a "Kindle" is because it's very possible that you don't.

Okay, a "Kindle" is Amazon's almost year old electronic book and magazine reader that allows users the ability to download complete books and magazines (well not all books and magazines, only the ones they offer, which is a lot but not that much) and read them on the device, which offers lightweight construction and a paper-like screen. Doesn't that all sound wonderful, you think and you'd be right to think it's a smart purchase for me.

Except that it costs $359 BEFORE you pay MORE for the electronic books.

As I like to think that many of you are open-minded, you may be thinking "Yes, Junior, but you'll get your money's worth because you'll be able to store all your books with you like an iPod and read new ones without wasting paper."

That would be a valid point if the last book I read wasn't "The Westing Game," (right) a book written for those with an ninth through twelfth grade reading level.

Oh, but it was SO GOOD the third time around!

This gives you an idea that I'm not one of those people who walks into Barnes & Noble and gets all excited about books. Like Mike Birbiglia says, I'm not "book smart," I'm "magazine smart."

And yet, I want a Kindle SO BAD!

It's just so cute! And you can turn pages with the turny things and... Yes, I want this to look cool!

You got me.

I want it to take out on the subway and have people look at me like I'm better than they are even though I'm not, I just spent way too much money on a device that I only use to take out on the subway and have people stare at me like I'm better than they are... *panting* You got me. Yeah, I know. I'm that guy. No judgment. This is a space of healing.

But that knowledge doesn't stop me from wanting the darned thing. I still want it. I have been watching the video demonstration (below) for it ALL DAY LONG...



...And the video's only 6 minutes long! It's just been on loop all afternoon!

Although my car cost $6,000 to be fixed (which coincidentally is more than the cost of the car itself) and I am eating peanut butter & jelly all week because I have no money for food (wait, do I have peanut butter & jelly left? Sh!t.) I still really want one of these stupid readie things!

I mean look at all the stuff you can do with it!

You could...


Bring your Kindle to the beach, just don't get too close to the water, *throws head back* hehehehehehe.... No seriously, that think costs almost $400. Don't get it wet.

Or you could...


Have your priest officiate your wedding using a Kindle. Who needs to memorize a ceremony that's been performed hundreds of years; we have the Kindle!

Plus, that'll give your pastor an excuse to drink! YEAH for them! You could also...


Cover up half your face with it! Just for fun! Or you could...


Become a crazy cat lady in style with your Kindle.


Did I mention you could cover up half your face with it? Seriously, Kindle owners love to copy that Newsweek cover. Let it go.

See, there's so much I could do with a Kindle. Use it to read books? Well, that I don't know about but I'm down for the covering up half your face thing. That looks like fun! This is my actual thought process. Are you reading this? Doesn't this make you sad?

That's why I need you to save a defenseless animal... Wait, that's the wrong script. Let's see, oh here... I need you to make sure that I don't buy this completely unnecessary thing to use once and never use again because I'm losing my will to not buy it...

You know how I get around small, completely unnecessary things...


Help!