Since I had the day off today, I was in The Happiest Place on Earth, my local CVS, stocking up on my monthly supply of Cool Ranch Doritos and Noxema, when I passed by the magazine rack, as I have been known to do from time to time.
That's when I spotted this year's Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue (cover above) just sitting there, calling out to me to pick it up, read it, and not buy it.
As I was about to start flipping through, I looked at the cover featuring the hottest young actresses in pastels ("But Debbie, pastels...") and realized that there is a clear winner of this cover, despite the fact that no one but me thinks the cover is a competition.
But it is and there's a winner, so let's unveil the results...
FOURTH PLACE
Jessica Biel.
Why is she even on the cover of the "Fresh Faces" issue anyway?
Wasn't she on "7th Heaven" for like 22 years?
I never watched the show but someone told me 'bout it.
And please don't tell me it was because of her body of work last year, which included the deliciously offensive "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" or the Nicholas Cage-vehicle "Next," which was thisclose to Oscar consideration.
Plus, she has slept with the Timberfake.
And I'm spent.
THIRD PLACE 
Anne Hathaway.
Don't get me wrong, I love Anne Hathaway. I've watched "Brokeback Mountain" and "The Devil Wears Prada" more times that I care to admit, and I even liked "Becoming Jane" more than other people did.
But Annie, what's with the puss? You look like you're about to cut someone. Did that Jessica Biel b!tch say something to you right before Annie Leibovitz took the photo?
Annie, hun, I'm concerned. Call me!
SECOND PLACE
Amy Adams.
Not only do I still love her from "Junebug" (fav line: "I can't! I'm too excited!") and "The Office," but she earned raves in "Enchanted," which I still haven't seen but I will eventually.
But more than all that, can we talk about the Lana Turner hair, the dress and the red shoes.
As Christian would say, the combo is "fierce!"
However, I don't know how I feel about the pose.
It looks like if someone tapped her on the shoulder she'd go flying to the floor, which would not be cute.
FIRST PLACE
Emily Blunt.
Are you prepared to hear the word "fierce" a lot? Good.
Here we go.
The gloves. Fierce. The earrings. Fierce. The pose. Fierce. Covering the "I," "T," and "Y" of "Vanity Fair." Fierce x3. The hat! Fiercey McFiercestein. The icy stare. Fierce!
It couldn't get fiercer if... Well, it just couldn't okay?!
Why she's on the cover after only one high profile role (in "The Devil Wears Prada") is beyond me but who cares! Her boyfriend is Michael Bublé so take that Biel!
Thank you ladies. You can pick up your certificates at the registration desk.
And if you were featured on the inside cover, then you've already lost. Good day.
Dallas Blonde
3 hours ago
7 comments:
Okay Junior, ummm, I'm gonna go off right now. Both of my eyebrows are at full arch and it will get ugly within a few more keystrokes. Darling it is not directed at you, but rather what this soon to be 40 year-old queen can't take anymore.
Once again Black and Brown peoples are litterally in the margin. Here I am a hard-working, god-fearing, law-abiding human being in this country being asked to accept this bullshit. The bullshit being that white is right and black is whack and brown gets put down.
Oh hell motherfucking NO. This is bullshit. It is 2008 and this is the best this American culture can do. Basically they sent the women of color to the back of the bus.
Man, Fuck Vanity Fair and their bullshit. Fuck Vanity Fair and there only hint to loving color is the cliche longing for the latin lover via the reference to Javier.
As an educator I am fortunate to work with Black and Brown children. And, I have to say what the media puts out has major impact. The kids I work with see these messages. It is sad that the message continues to be that you are not to be in the forefront, you are not AS GOOD, therefore, take your place in the margin.
And, gag on this. The only visible black women is totally exoticize and eroticize by being put into a swimsuit. While her light-skinned sisters are draped in couture.
Am I making too much of this? You damn right I am! I'm reacting to the fact that in 2008 we are focused on whether America is ready for a black or female president. This Vanity Fair cover sustains some played of the played out mentalities that gives life to the questions I just mentioned.
I'm gonna relax now. I feel blessed I can see through this bullshit. I feel good to know that I don't have to be white to be of value. I feel good to know that what my ancestors have done is amazing. I must also acknowledge, being of Spanish descent, that my ancestors were slave owners.
With that said I feel that serious mark against my forefathers and mothers needs to be corrected by me saying, Fuck Vanity Fair.
ALLAN! I didn't mean to set you off! Oh no, hopefully you listened to some Sade and drank some herbal tea and have since calmed down.
I first wanted to say that I completely agree with you! Then, I wanted to talk a little about why I didn't bring the subject up (although I thought about it and may do so overall at another time).
Okay so first, I completely agree with you! National magazines act like dark people are incapable of appearing on magazine covers. It's one of the reasons Oprah said she is going to be on the cover of every issue of her magazine.
Their whole rationale is always "White people won't relate to a dark person on the cover and won't buy it," which is completely ridiculous because when I worked at a Barnes & Noble, I had many white women buying Essence, which is SO a black women's magazine!
Secondly, the reason I didn't bring it up is because Vanity Fair has had (a few) dark people on its covers before (Zoe Saldana and America Ferrera are the two lone dark people this year and America is alllll the way at the end, but at least their on the cover and deservedly so, they aren't like the token dark people).
Also, I feel like this truth can be said about so much of entertainment that it felt best to bring it up when it was most glaring (Food Network, for example). Like take "Project Runway" for example. This year, there were only a handful of people of color yet I still love the show because I know they highlight diversity when they can (and 99% of the men are gay).
I am not excusing them, so don't think that. But I do think that Vanity Fair's spot should be blown up but I'm gonna go there and talk about Vogue and other magazines too.
I also think the problem is because the Hollywood machine does not sell actresses of color (they're like "We have Halle, that's enough"). That's why I'm glad that Queen Latifah and Salma Hayek often produce their own stuff.
For all these reasons, I figured it would be better to hold off on talking about it now and wait until I could do something a little more comprehensive. But never fear, I'm on it!
Darling we will be "on it" together. Power to the people, and let us fight the good fight. PEACE BABY LOVE.
YEAH! I love fighting the good fight. I have one other fight that I am planning for next week (it has nothing to do with this) and then it's on to this fight.
The man keeps trying to bring me down, but I'm not going! I'm not going!
I'm just glad Jessica Biel kept her mouth shut and hid her gigantic horse chompers.
Sam, I know right? Jessica Biel is the worst!
And if that's not what you meant, I'm gonna pretend it is what you meant just so I can say "Jessica Biel is the WORST!"
She's the worst when it comes to fake teeth extensions, which is the oddest Hollywood plastic surgery trend. Take a pretty girl, put a piano keyboard in her mouth and pronounce her hot. Hillary Duff is another.
Every time Jessica shows up on a red carpet the talking heads fall over themselves salivating over her and declare that she's the hottest woman in Hollywood.
Jessica is also, like you said, not exactly a "fresh face." She must be about 47 by now, or at least it seems like she's been around that long. Then again, Anne Hathaway, who I love, was a "fresh face" when she did the Princess Diaries.
Maybe it should have been "Fresh faces of the millenium, where are they now?"
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