Juice with Junior

I don't know if you know, a lot of people don't in fact, that there's a football game called "The Super Bowl" happening today. Apparently, it's like the Best Game of the Year (I think they have like pyrotechnics or something) and that's why it's called "super."

Nevertheless, I know that this may be confusing for you so I thought I would call upon my extensive knowledge of all things football to explain to you exactly what's going to happen today. If there's anything you don't understand, feel free to ask questions.

Okay, to begin, the way the day works is that football fans (left) all over the country put on big shirts and they go to whatever stadium is hosting the game.

This year, I believe the game is in Wichita Falls or is it Oklahoma City? I know for sure that it's somewhere out West before you get to Las Vegas.

But most people go to the game because you could get arrested for watching it on TV. The people that run this game want to keep it a secret because it's "super," you know?

Anyway, so once people get to the stadium they start cooking food in the parking lot because there's no food allowed inside the stadium.

It's very proper in there. It's like the opera.

You have to behave yourself, so they cook outside so they can have full stomachs to sit and watch the game, in silence.

Onto the game, okay this is how football is played if you don't know.


1) The players line up next to each other and one player bends down really far in front of another player. Then the player behind them puts his hand as far in between the first player's crotch as possible. He has to get in there really deep. Then the first player passes the second one the ball.

2) All the players run around.

3) A whistle sounds and then all of the old men affiliated with each team talk to one another for a little while. Topics include the presidential race, fashion, global warming, and cars.

4) They do it all over again.

The team that has racked up more running around time as compared to old guys talking time wins the game. See, it's very simple.

Now, who's playing in the game that you should know about?


Let's see there's Tom Brady (above) who is both a football player, a baby daddy, and a fashion model.

He's a very busy guy.


Then there's Eli Manning (above), whose brother Peyton Manning is also a football player and is pretty funny.

I think that guy who's in those commercials with Jared from Subway is also playing. And I think that's it. No one else is important.

But the game is not the only thing for people to watch during the "Super Bowl."

No! There's so much more!


There are cheerleaders (above) whose main responsibility is to provide titillation to the young boys in the crowd and not be sexually harassed and/or violated by any of the massive horned up players.

It's a hard job, so give these girls their due!

Also in the middle of the show, the players have to go back to the locker room and blow off some steam with each other, so they have a Half-Time Show, which is like a tiny concert for people who don't care about football.

This year, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers (left) will perform, which ensures that there will be no wardrobe malfunctions or phallic guitars to worry about.

Right, Tom? Right, Tom... He's been known to talk about drugs so this could get interesting.

And that's pretty much it! Do you feel you got everything?

Read this post over again if you need a refresher and have fun enjoying the game!

I'll be watching Law and Order: SVU so you'll have to tell me what happens!